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Wednesday, January 2, 2013 Dave shows off the future of New Year's Eve ball drops in Times Square.
Show #3781
Kathy Griffin, Chris Pratt, and Big Boi.
PLUS: a new crisis in Washington; Bad Acting Gig; what's that at MSNBC?; Sherman's New Year's Eve; next year's "ball drop" in Times Square; and a Top Ten list.

"From the heart of Broadway, broadcasting across the nation and around the world, it's the Late Show with David Letterman! Tonight: Kathy Griffin, from 'Zero Dark Thirty Chris Pratt, and music from Big Boi. Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. I'm Alan Kalter. And now, with the latest on the fiscal cliff . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

Yes, a new year brings in a new opening announce.

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"Some of my new year's resolutions: have a gallery showing for my clown paintings, put my Late Show jackets on ebay, to speak up more at my book club"

They say we've averted the fiscal cliff, but it's just one of many problems confronting lawmakers. We take a look at a segment called, "The Next Crisis in Washington."
ART CARD: THE NEXT CRISIS IN WASHINGTOIN
ANNOUNCE: "As of 3 P.M. today, the Senate cafeteria reached the Napkin Cliff."
We see a shot of an empty cafeteria-style napkin dispenser. Psycho sting.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'The Next Crisis in Washington.' Contact your elected officials and demand action."

Now it's time for a segment called, "Bad Acting Gig"
ART CARD: "BAD ACTING GIG"
We cut to a chubby guy in a t-shirt that reads: "Fat Pants."
He bellows: "Hey, it's me, your fat pants."
ART CARD: "BAD ACTING GIG"

And since it's a new year, we have another new segment, "MSNBC: What the Hell Was That?"
ART CARD: "MSNBC: What The Hell Was That?"
We see an anonymous congressman droning about something on the House floor. We see, via split screen, an anonymous MSNBC anchorman droning on about something to a female pol. As the MSNBCer speaks, we hear a ringing phone . . . . and then a loud enormous crash. The anchor continues on with barely a blink.
ART CARD: "MSNBC: What The Hell Was That?"

Sounds like me at my house when the phone rings and no one cares to pick up the phone.

You saw how he celebrated Christmas, but how did Sherman the Sneezing Monkey celebrate New Year's? We take a look.

We see Sherman sitting in his familiar spot. We hear an instrumental "Auld Lang Syne" On the final note, Sherman sneezes.

ACT 2:
It's a new year, but Dave is still at odds with the world. His pet peeve tonight has to do with the dropping of the ball in Times Square on New Year's Eve. It's not a "drop" at all. It's just a slow descent. This year, Dave decided to take action. He called his buddies down at NASA and was put in contact with Felix Baumgartner, the guy who parachuted from space this past year. Instead of dropping a ball next year in Times Square, the New Year's Eve people will . . . well, we take a look.
We see the festive Times Square on New Year's Eve. As the countdown approached zero, Felix Baumgartner jumps from his spaceship. As the countdown hits zero, we see Felix fly down and crash into the Times Square "2013" sign, though next year it'll read "2014".
Now THAT'S a drop!

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOUR CONGRESSMAN IS A HOTHEAD
-In a heated exchange last week outside the Oval Office, Speaker of the House John Boehner told Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to "go 'givl' himself." This was a topic in the monologue and Top Ten. I placed the over-under line for the word 'givl' at four-and-a-half. I bet the over. The final tally, I believe, was 4 utterances of the word 'givl'.
TOP TEN: SIGNS YOUR CONGRESSMAN IS A HOTHEAD
7. Was ordered to switch from Tea Party to Decaffeinated Tea Party

ACT 3:
KATHY GRIFFIN
: Enters to Bob Dylan's "Gotta Serve Somebody." Nice job, Paul, well done.
Ms. Griffin has found herself once again in hot water for kissing the crotch of Anderson Cooper on national TV . . . well, CNN, anyway.
CNN - the Crotch Nuzzling Network.
During the New Year's Eve festivities in Times Square, CNN split-screened to Maine to report on some Sardine Drop the small town holds. Says the correspondent, "Everyone wants to kiss the sardine!" Kathy Griffin took that as a cue to kiss Anderson Cooper's "sardine." The reaction was expected. Kathy says her mom was livid because everyone in the retirement home was up in arms in anger. And parents had to explain to their children what she was doing. I'm sure CNN was shocked that Kathy would do something tasteless on New Year's Eve, considering her saint-like reputation and all. When the head of CNN was asked for an explanation, he said, "I missed it. I was watching Seacrest."
You can see the wacky Ms. Griffin Thursday night, January 3rd in her Bravo special, "Kathy Griffin: Kennedie Center On-Hers" at 10:00 PM. And her talk show, "Kathy," also on Bravo, returns next Thursday at the same time.
Bravo is not the network bought by Al Jazeera. That's Al Gore's channel.

ACT 4:
CHRIS PRATT

He's in the highly anticipated film, "Zero Dark Thirty" about getting Osama bin Laden and in the NBC comedy series, "Parks and Recreation." Dave enjoys the Parks and Rec and says that many from the show have already been guests here. Chris gives an "Oh, I know" with a bit of wonder why it took the Late Show so long to book him.
Chris reminded me of a well-behaved Zach Galifianakis.
Chris is from the Great Northwest and grew up doing a lot of fishing and hunting. One of his first jobs was selling door-to-door but left that to move to Hawaii with his friend, Zeb. It wasn't all that glamorous. For the first year they lived in a van secluded on a beach. He worked at Bubba Gump Shrimp Company restaurant. He would swipe wet-naps in lieu of showering. His big break in life came when he served Rae Dawn Chong, the actress and movie director. She offered him a role in her next film, "Cursed: Part 3." Chris says the part in the film didn't quite open doors, but it at least unlocked it. Dave is very excited about the "Zero Dark Thirty" film. Dave says to Chris that it must feel great to be part of such a movie like this, one that shows the greatness of America in war and the excellence of the Seals. Chris says he was happy just to be in a film.
"Zero Dark Thirty" - it opens nationwide on January 11th.
"Parks and Recreation" - NBC - the new season debuts next Thursday, January 17th at 8:30.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Join us again tomorrow for Dave and his guests Regis Philbin, and Zedd. Stay with us, or live with the knowledge that you've hurt me deeply."

ACT 7:
BIG BOI

Winner of 6 Grammy Awards with Outkast, Big Boi, along with special guest Jake Troth, performed "Apple of My Eye" from his sophomore album, "Vicious Lies and Dangerous Rumors."

And that was our show for Wednesday, January 02, 2013.

It's 2013 and my bank is still writing "insufficient funds" on my checks.

Which did you watch, The Honeymooners marathon, the Twilight Zone marathon, or the Odd Couple marathon?
I went with the Honeymooners, with some Twilight mixed in. Damn, that Kramden can make me laugh still to this day. I even watched a few episodes with the sound off just to experience it in a different way. You can really notice the excellence and perfection in every movement, in every twitch, in every glance.

The Port Clinton, Ohio's reporting that the Late Show would be attending their Walleye Drop on New Year's Eve reminds me of our dare-devil stunt on 53rd Street with Johnny Depp involving a bus, a ramp, a motorcycle, a ring of fire, and no helmet back in '98.

I read where a gallon of milk was going to skyrocket to $8 a gallon due to the fiscal cliff crisis. I bought 29 gallons on Monday.

My local newspaper is in the news. You may have heard of the Journal News publishing the names and home addresses of all the licensed gun owners in Westchester and Rockland County. It made the Drudge. Many throughout the country are outraged. In response, a weekly Rockland County newspaper has published the names and home addresses of the editors, CEO, and reporters of the Journal News. The ire on both sides is making for some great theater and entertainment.
I used to deliver the Rockland Journal News back in the freckled days. The paper was 50 cents a week. The Wednesday paper was as thick as a Manhattan phone book with sales and stuff. Today's paper is more like a pamphlet. You can skim through it in a minute.

Oy. Got on the scale today. I'm back to where I was. I felt it coming back but I didn't think I came all the way back. After I finish all the holiday leftover snacks around the house, I'm back on the discipline.
My discipline does not include beer.
Losing 15 pounds is easy. I've done it dozens of times.

No New York football Giants in the playoffs? For whom am I to root? -it's hard not to root for the Indianapolis Colts and their head coach Chuck Pagano.
-Same goes for Peyton Manning on the Denver Broncos
-The Vikings' Adrian Peterson is an incredible story
-I admired the way Packers coach Mike McCarthy reacted with grace and class following the "Inaccurate Reception" against the Seattle Seahawks back in September with the replacement refs.
-Two finer young men in the NFL would be hard to find than the Washington Redskins Robert Griffin III and Alfred Morris
-And it's fun to root for the New England Patriots because Jet fans hate them so much.
So there's my six teams I'll be pulling for.

I think if the NHL comes back now it'll do more harm than if they just decide kill the year and start again in October.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
The first cameo of 2013, in her Ho Ho Ho flannel pajamas, it's Pat Rudy Fleet
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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