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Friday, January 4, 2013 Spokesman Jim Keyes apologizes on behalf of the Mayans.
Show #3782
Regis Philbin, and Zedd.
PLUS: The New Al Jazeera Channel; the Story Behind Neil Armstrong's First Words on the Moon; the Director of Mayan Public Relations; a Top Ten List; and Alan Plugs Reverse Mortgages.

" . . . and now, here is the host of 'Jeopardy' . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Cold in New York City today. When it gets this cold, it's important to remember that 'layering' is important. In fact, tonight, I am wearing an extra layer of makeup."
News from the television industry . . . Al Jazeera is buying Al Gore's Current TV. Dave saw this report.
ANNOUNCE: "Al Jazeera, the Arab news channel, has purchased Al Gore's struggling Current TV for 500 million dollars. The channel will be relaunched as Al Jazeera America, with new programming such as 'Weird Al Jazeera.'"
We listen to a bit of Weird Al Jazeera singing "Girls Just Want to Have Lunch," spoofing Ms. Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want To Have Fun."
ANNOUNCE: "More news after this."

In a new documentary, Neil Armstrong's brother . . . . Jerry Van Armstrong . . . did not come up with his "one small step" line upon landing on the moon as previously thought. Rather, he wrote it months ahead of time. Armstrong tested out many line in advance and we happen to have the rehearsal tape here tonight. We take a look/listen.
We see Neil Armstrong on the moon skipping about. We listen on a "first step on the moon" line he considered.
NEIL: "We finally put a man on the moon. No word yet on putting a man on Phyllis Diller."
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Neil Armstrong's Moon Landing Rehearsal.' "

How about another line Neil Armstrong thought of using when he first stepped on the moon.
We see Armstrong dancing along on the moon. Says Armstrong: "The moon is eerily silent and cold. It's like I landed on my wife. Hey-Ohhhhh!"
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Neil Armstrong's Moon Landing Rehearsal.' "

Act 1 tease: "Stay here for the Top Ten Questions People Have About Larry the Vomiting Robot, and Regis Philbin. Trivia Question: What was the first show hosted by Regis Philbin? The answer when we come back."

ACT 2:
Alan announcing the answer to the Trivia Question.
ANNOUNCE: "And now the answer to our trivia question: 'What was the first show hosted by Regis Philbin?' . . . . . . . . 'Live! With Regis and Mary Todd Lincoln.' Hope you got it!"

There was no Mayan Apocalypse on December 21st and everyone's been wondering what happened. To explain, we invited Jim Keyes to the show, the Director of Mayan Public Relations.
Jim Keyes enters; stands center stage.
KEYES: "Thank you, Dave, for giving me this forum to talk about recent events. Did the world end? No. Were the Mayans embarrassed? Absolutely. I'm here to admit that mistakes were made, and that several high-ranking Mayans have been fired or reassigned. But we know that's not good enough for you folks. You were misled, disappointed and inconvenienced. That's why we're making the following offer: If within the past 1,200 years you purchased one of the defective Mayan calendars, simply return it to the place of purchase for a full refund, plus a free 2013 Mayan Joke-a-Day Calendar. You'll love it. It's a real hoot! The Mayans are committed to making this right, and regaining your trust. Thanks, and happy new year."
Keyes exits. Dave is satisfied, feeling Keyes and the Mayans did the right thing.

TOP TEN: TEN QUESTIONS PEOPLE HAVE ABOUT LARRY THE VOMITING ROBOT
- The Health and Safety Laboratory in Northern England has developed a humanoid simulated vomiting system to study the spread of contagious infections, such as norovirus. We take a look at a clip of Larry, the Vomiting Robot.

TOP TEN: TEN QUESTIONS PEOPLE HAVE ABOUT LARRY THE VOMITING ROBOT
8. "Does he also vacuum, like my vomiting Roomba?"
7. "How often does he eat at the Hello Deli?"
2. "Will this solve our vomit shortage?"

My 3 submissions in case needed:
- "Have you ever sat in the balcony for that Paul Rudd play?"
- "Larry? Aren't you Nick Nolte?"
- "Are you related to Dyspeptic Donald?"
They weren't needed.

ACT 3:
REGIS PHILBIN
Regis is a little steamed that Larry the Vomiting Robot opened for him tonight.
Regis shows some concern for Dave now that Dave has recently picked up skiing. Dave's been at it for a few years now. Does he fall down a lot? Dave: "Oh, yeah, and that's just in the restaurant." Dave says Harry does very well.
Ever see little kids ski? They show incredible balance and skill at such a young age. They zig-zag right past you while you're trying to snowplow . . . . . or stem-christie. (I've been using the "stem-christie/skiing" reference for years and no one seems to know what I'm talking about. Stem-christie is a ski term, right?) Anyway, the reason little tykes are so good at skiing is because of their low center of gravity. That's my theory, anyway. For you tall, lanky folk, you can use that as an excuse.

Dave picks up the phone. He has someone he'd like to call. Dave punches in a long-distance number. Who is he calling? Regis asks, "Oprah?" Dave shhh's Regis, adding "It's not the paramedics. Relax." On the other end, Don Rickles. Mr. Warmth wonders why Dave called, asking "Oh, you're that lonely?" After some chit-chat, Dave tells Don he's going to put Regis on the phone. We hear Mr. Rickles moan, "Oh, why? Why?" Regis gets on the phone and Don chastises, "Can't you handle anything by yourself?"
Dave takes back the phone and asks Don, "Does this sound like I'm hanging up?" As Don begins to answer, Dave hangs up.

Hey, hey! How 'bout that Notre Dame! Regis will be there for the big championship game vs. Alabama on Monday night.
Dave shares that he was nominated for a People's Choice Award. Unfortunately, Dave didn't win. Dave wonders, "What's wrong with the people?" The People's Choice is on CBS . . . couldn't they rig the voting like they did for the Kennedy Honors?

Dave asks Regis if he would go back on the Kelly show as a guest if asked. Regis isn't sure, since he's never been asked. Dave thinks he knows why Regis left the show and blames it all on that beady-eyed little weasel, Gelman. Regis comes to the defense of the beady-eyed little weasel, saying he's quite a producer. At least it sounded like a defense.

Something's been bothering Regis. He wonders if he saw correctly . . . . Did Dave kiss Dustin Hoffman on the lips? As Dave tries to explain what happened, the clip comes up like magic of Dave kissing Dustin on the lips.
Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave . . . . couldn't you see what Regis was doing? Couldn't you tell what Regis was hoping for? He was practically begging for it! Instead of Dave leaning over and kissing Regis on the lips, Dave throws to commercial.

Dave asks Regis about his appearing on some ghost show. Regis admits he once saw a ghost.
Dave shouts with alarm, "You once saw a ghost? Was it Frank Gifford?"
There was a ghost-hunting show a long time ago and Regis decided he wanted to interview the ghost hunters when Regis had a show in California. Regis and the ghost hunters went to a house that was a known ghost hangout in search of a ghost. After some hours, Regis saw something. It was on the wall . . . an image . . . that wasn't there before. Was it the ghost? Maybe it was. Regis flicked on the lights to get a better look. At least that's his story. Sounds to me like he was a scared. Anyway, when the lights came on the image disappeared. Regis continued with the story. Dave concluded, "All this story needs is an ending." But Regis continued on in search of an ending, but didn't really find one.

Regis Philbin - You can see him March 8th at the Twin River Casino in Lincoln, Rhode Island.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Why does this bit always have a shot of the audience? Can we try something else?" (shot changes to Shecky footage - b/w of fats guys on a motorcycle with side car) "Now we're talking! Join us tomorrow as Dave welcomes Tracy Morgan, Marv Albert, and Everest. Back after this."

ACT 6:
Back from commercial, Dave hears laughter. He's quite surprised since it is so rarely heard in the theater. He looks over to find our announcer Alan Kalter yukking it up. What gives?
ALAN: "You crack me up, Dave." (to the camera) "Hell, I'm Alan Kalter, star of the Late Show with David Letterman. This is a message from people 62 and over. What if I told you there' tax-free money to be made? That's right! Sign up for a reverse mortgage today and before you know it, you'll be living on Easy Street. (Alan laughs) How does it work? Who knows? Leave all of that to the lawyers! Just go to my website at KalterFinancial.com . . . . (Dave grows impatient) . . . I'm almost done, Dave. Give your bank information and then call your friends and tell them you're rich! I did it! Talk show host David Letterman did it! And so can you!" Freeze on Alan.
Quick Announce: "Results not guaranteed. Not affiliated with a financial institution. Alan Kalter and KalterFinancial are not liable for any losses. Consult with a professional before taking financial risks. KalterFinancial is an equal opportunity lender."

ACT 7:
ZEBB
The gifted musician and DJ from Germany performed a song from his CD, "Clarity," accompanied by guest vocalist, Foxes. The song: "Clarity"

And that was our show for Thursday January 3, 2013.


Some of my resolutions for the new year:
- To finally learn how to tightly wrap a sandwich in wax paper.
- Learn how to write in Wingding
- Relose 15 pounds

Over the break, I actually had time to rent some movies off the TV. In spite of sitting through "Rock of Ages," it was still a very enjoyable time off. I also watched "The Way We Were" and "Ted." Besides being so adorable, what did Barbra Streisand see in Robert Redford? C'mon, they had nothing in common. As soon as she got him she tried to change him. Why couldn't she let the happy man be happy?
Can anyone explain "Rock of Ages" to me? Mostly the "Why?"

If the NHL ever gets around to playing this year, they'll start so late they'll have the playoffs before the regular season.

Did you watch The Kennedy Center Honors last week, celebrating Dustin Hoffman, Natalia Makarova , Buddy Guy, Led Zeppelin, and Mr. Dave Letterman? Very enjoyable, very entertaining. I particularly enjoyed Ray Romano's telling of his first appearance on the Late Show. He recalls how he received a phone call a day or two later from the Late Show with an offer of a future production deal. I was in the control room following his stand-up that night and remember seeing a big wig lean over to another wig that was big and said, "Let's get him."

Hugh Hefner's best man was his little brother, Keith, 83

Do radio program directors realize how many people slam off the radio station when they begin to hear the Kars-for-Kids commercial? I can't turn it off fast enough. It was cute the first time, but is now like fingernails across a chalkboard. Incredibly annoying.
Teens . . . . ask your parents what a chalkboard is.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's Donald "Sam Drucker" Drone
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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