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Friday, January 4, 2013 Is "Weekend Late Show" co-host Bruce a little too shifty? Dave says yes.
Show #3783
Tracy Morgan, Marv Albert, and Everest.
PLUS: considered first words on the moon by Neil Armstrong; what's in store on the "Weekend Late Show"; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . and now, in all his splendor . . . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:

MONOLOGUE

-"White collar crime is down. Last year, almost no white collars were stolen . . . . . my 9-year-old son wrote that."
-"Overweight people live longer. It's the cardio workout they get on the ketchup pump." ODD DAVE – Dave pumps a ketchup dispenser --- does again later.
-"The Hefner marriage is not going well. Today, Crystal was in the shower stall loosening the screws on his grab bar."
-"Kim Kardashian is pregnant. She and her family requested that the media to please ignore their privacy."

In a new documentary, Neil Armstrong's brother says Neil did not come up with his "one small step" line upon landing on the moon as previously thought. Rather, he wrote it months ahead of time. Armstrong tested out many line in advance and we happen to have the rehearsal tape here tonight. We take a look/listen.
We see Neil Armstrong on the moon skipping about. We listen on a "first step on the moon" line he considered.
NEIL: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

And another possible first line on the moon considered by Neil Armstrong. We see Neil Armstrong on the moon skipping about. We listen on a "first step on the moon" line he considered.
NEIL: "I just landed on the moon. Tell my high school guidance counselor he can ‘eat me'"

Uh, oh, Alan Kalter's microphone isn't working. He holds up signs informing us to what is coming up.

ACT 2:
Let's check in with Bruce and Linda to see what's coming up tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show.
We come upon Bruce and Linda at the familiar desk of the Late Show. It is adorned with festive flowers and light-hearted décor of a weekend morning program.
LINDA: "Thanks, Dave . . . and a happy new year! How is 2013 treating you so far, Bruce?"
BRUCE: "So far, so good. And I'm happy to say I once again have a clean credit report."
LINDA: "Well, that's exciting. Something else that I find exciting is ice skating. Not every community has an easily accessible ice skating rink. That's why our fix-it guy, Fred Bartow, is going to show us how, with a little ingenuity, anyone can turn their yard into a rink!"
BRUCE: "I've gotta try that. Everyone knows about eBay and Craig's List, but suppose you don't like using the computer, or you've been prohibited from those websites . . . we've got a bunch of great ideas for you to turn your unwanted holiday gifts into cold, hard cash."
LINDA: "And speaking of gifts, it's time to write ‘thank you' cards, so bring a pen and paper to take notes from our gratitude expert, Doris Hewlett, who will offer up just the right ways to express your appreciation."
BRUCE: (to Linda) "Thank you, Linda . . . . . (to camera) . . . "how was that, Doris? All that, plus toothpick etiquette, coping with eczema, and ‘When is it okay to fudge a tax deduction?' . . . . tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."
LINDA: "Back to you, Dave."

Dave can't hide it anymore. He admits, "I really hate those two . . . . especially the guy. He oughta be in prison. She hates him, too." Dave doesn't like the way he's always jostling back and forth in his seat as if trying to get a good fit. Too shifty. Something about him ain't right. But the "Weekend Late Show" brings in good numbers so Dave lets them continue on.

TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD AT HUGH HEFNER'S HONEYMOON
-He's 86; she's 26.
10. "Look, a gift basket from Pfizer."
5. "It'll just take a minute to inflate."
4. "How that's what I called wrinkled"
2. "Now will you blow on my soup?"

ACT 3:
TRACY MORGAN

He's in the hugely successful, "30 Rock" on NBC. It's currently in its final season with the big finale scheduled for January 31st.
The man is wacky. Wacky and entertaining. But thank goodness for him. This past week he was holed up at the U.N. ironing out an agreement with this fiscal cliff thing. But does he get credit? NO!
He spent the holidays with the family. Thanksgiving isn't as exciting as it once was, mostly because many in his family are in A.A. You can't get much fire without fuel. Christmas is always a festive time. When he was growing up, he didn't have a Santa Claus coming to his house. Instead, he got a guy named Sonny who drove a white van. Tracy's Christmas gift usually consisted of $85 left on the dresser. With that he bought groceries.

Back in November, Tracy honored fellow comedian Eddie Murphy in a televised special. During the special, Tracy dressed in a replica of Eddie Murphy's red leather suit worn by Eddie in his 1983 standup show, "Delirious." We see a photo of Tracy from November and a photo of Eddie in 1983. Very similar, except for the belly on Tracy. Though Eddie is one of the funniest Tracy has ever met, he's not quite as funny as Tracy's dad. Tracy's dad would do "routines" while stationed in Viet Nam. I wonder . . . was it easy to make people in Viet Nam to laugh, or hard?

"30 Rock" – it's had a great run, but it all comes to an end on January 31st. I must admit I've missed most of the 30 Rocks the first time around but look forward to the years and years of repeats.
"30 Rock" – Thursday nights at 8:00 on the NBC.

ACT 4:
MARV ALBERT


The voice of "The NBA on TNT" and the play-by-play announcer for "The NFL on CBS." But the voice is only at 65% tonight as Marv's got a bit of the laryngitis.
Dave has a bunch of sports questions for the area sportscaster. What's the deal with Tim Tebow? What happened there? Marv says Tebow as under the right circumstances in Denver last year and did quite well. The Jets . . . . not so good. The circumstances were not quite right. Tebow is more of a running quarterback and the New York Jets offense this year was a "ground and pound" that relied on . . . . the run . . . . not so much passing . . . . so . . . uhh. Yeah. Dave has heard that Tebow may go back to college ball. Any truth in that? I think Tim Tebow should create a slew of workout videos to go up against Billy Blanks.

Dave has a photo of Marv when he was just a boy of 16 sitting in the Brooklyn Dodger dugout with Gil Hodges. In recent years, New Yorkers have changed the name of Dodger-great Gil Hodges to "Gil Hodges, Who Should Be In The Hall of Fame, By The Way." Try it the next time you're in New York. Someone will mention it.

With Marv tonight is his annual Best of Sports Bloopers reel. Yes, I'm a sucker for blooper clips, no matter the topic. I forgot to count but I think there was only one clip of some guy getting hit in the nuts. That's usually a staple with blooper clips.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE – from Tony Cue Card Mendez on stage:
TONY: "Join us again Monday as Dave welcomes Michael Strahan, Jessica Chastain, and Conor Maynard. I have a bright future as an announcer."

I guess Alan's microphone still isn't working.
Why do I think this will be the last time Tony does this?

ACT 7:
EVEREST

From their album "Ownerless," Everest performed "Into The Grey."

And that was our show for Friday, January 04, 2012.

Mitt Romney's son Tagg now says his father had no real interest in being President. Wow, what a coincidence, because the American public felt the same way!

Looking for something to do? Check out the reviews on Amazon for the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. It'll keep you laughing for hours. Very creative, very funny.

How many Christmas gifts are you returning? We got three little fitness things this year that clip on your belt that is supposed to record how many steps you've taken, the amount of calories you've eaten, how much sleep you got, etc. Well, I couldn't get the first two fitness recorder things to work. It would work for a second, and then go off. I double checked the battery and the battery was fine. No need to check the third fitness thing because they are all going back.
And then I found a fitness watch that goes around your wrist that I bought a year ago. Another strap goes around your torso. The watch is supposed to synch up with the thing around your torso and some computer app/program/thing. It was out of the box for the first time and the fitness watch wasn't working. I figured the battery must have been dead since it's been lying around for a year. I took off the back to the watch and put in a new battery. It worked. Now I had to put the back of the watch back on. This may have been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. Now, I'm pretty handy and I have a lot of tools around the house, but this was nearly impossible. Yes, I decided to put a rubber mallet to it but not until I put the back on the watch. I wanted to see if I could do it. The screws were teeny-tiny and the springs that kept the bands on the watch were impossible to get to. Who designed this thing? Why make it so hard to operate?
On the bright side, I did lose 3 pounds trying to get these things to work. Maybe that's the idea behind it.
My diet plan has always been the same, and it works!: Less in, more out. But how can I make money on that?

For years I would joke to my girls that all I want for Christmas is socks and underwear. And now, yeah, it's all I really want. And if you have kids in college, socks and underwear make the best gift. If you have enough of them, you don't have to do wash for a month.

I think this is what the NCAA was afraid of. With a BCS championship game, no one much cares about the Rose Bowl or the Orange Bowl or the Sugar Bowl or the Cotton Bowl anymore. It's all about the BCS championship game. In the near future, these Bowl games will be part of the December Madness football tournament. Just a guess.

No, I mean it! Check out the reviews on Amazon for the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
He's out! He's entered the life of retirement! Congratulations, Matt Mulligan!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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