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Monday, January 14, 2013 Did this really happen or is Dave hallucinating again?
Show #3789
Charlie Sheen, Phil Simms, and Jose James.
PLUS: Tommy Lee Jones at the Globes; coming up on "Downton Abbey;" Small Town News; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . and now, with 13 essential vitamins . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-"It's c old and flu season. I asked my doctor what's the difference between a cold and a flu? He said, ‘Fifty dollars.'"
-"It's the 13th anniversary of my open heart surgery. I called my surgeon, Dr. Wayne O. Isom, and said ‘You saved my life that day.' He said, ‘Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.'"
-"The Golden Globes were Sunday night. It's a night when Hollywood takes a break from self-congratulation to let the foreign press do it."

Dave mentioned that Dr. Wayne O. Isom lost a thumb somehow. I pitched this idea: Dave's chest x-ray shows a missing thumb.

Dave had a quintuple bypass, or as Dick Cheney calls it, "a routine check-up."

We take a look at how ol' Dickie is doing. It's Cheney with his new mechanical heart exposed for an interview. Lots of wire and ticking stuff. I figure Apple could get involved to make it smaller and more efficient. Maybe it would stimulate its stock.

The Golden Globes . . . now there's an award show that really let's go. It's a raucous, good time. We take a look at how much fun it can be. Tommy Lee Jones, how did you enjoy the Golden Globes?

We take a look at an unamused, stoic and stern, Tommy Lee Jones. Not much fun going on inside that head.

Have you been watching the "Downton Abbey"? I've been watching, mostly so I have something to talk about with my wife. Have you seen what's in store in Season 3? We take a look. Lots of exciting stuff, some scenes you wouldn't expect in a highbrow Masterpiece Theater piece of work. It was probably added for the American audience.

Going into commercial, the night's program is billboarded by a fellow standing by a newsstand and reading tonight's guests from a newspaper.

ACT 2:
Dave watched the Golden Globes Sunday night and isn't sure if what he saw he actually saw. We take a look. It's a photo of Arnold Schwarzenegger with Sylvester Stallone on stage. And this happened. The head switch. It's now Sylvester Schwarzenegger and Arnold Stallone.

It's Monday night and that means it's time for "Small Town News." -"Bucks County Courier Times," Levittown, Pennsylvania: real estate listing: "Built in the early 1700s, wide plank floors, walk-in fireplace." That's good on those dark cold nights. (I just watched a PBS special about Levittown, Pennsylvania)
-"Indianapolis Star," Indianapolis: an Italian restaurant advertisement: "Open Christmas Day, 4 P.M. - 9 P.M. Closed December 25th and 26th." Maybe they were going by the Mayan calendar? (I know, that makes no sense, but Mayan calendar references are hot right now)
-"The Herald Tribune," Sarasota, Florida: an engagement announcement: Shamp/Pemrick: "The couple relocated to Asheville after meeting two years ago near a dumpster on Fruitville Road in Sarasota."
-"The Star Herald," Presque Isle, Maine: a classified ad for a restaurant line cook: "Proficiency in grilling steaks and cooking children and seafood is required."
-"The Times Union," Colonie, New York: a local car dealer has a great deal on a 2010 Jetta: "Was $16,890 . . . now $16,890" Wow! Better hurry before it goes back up to $16,890.
-"The Seabreeze News," San Leon, Texas: "Free dog: male, light brown, hateful little bastard, bites."

And that's just some of the things going on in small towns across the country.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD BACKSTAGE AT THE GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS

-The 70th Golden Globe Awards were held last night at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, presented by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Dave says the Hollywood Foreign Press currently consists of 12 people. It was hosted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
Dave applauds the job done by Tina and Amy. "Let me tell you something," says Dave, "I would watch Tina and Amy make salad," adding they are both witty and smart.

THINGS OVERHEARD BACKSTAGE AT THE GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS
7. "What would Lincoln find worse . . . being assassinated, or losing to Ben Affleck?"
3. "If you're the owner of a vintage fire engine, license plate L-E-N-O, your lights are on."

CHARLIE SHEEN
The wild and the wacky. Dave tells Mr. Sheen that it's nice to have him back on CBS tonight. Charlie says it is nice to be back in the CBS family, "even if I am a foster child."
Big news in Charlie's life coming up. His daughter is pregnant . . . which means Charlie will be a grandfather. "And she's married!" Charlie blurts, as if that's not what you would expect with a bloodline that descends from him. Will Charlie be a good grandfather? Sheen is sure he will because "you can leave the kids."
Dave goes into Charlie's recent past and his prolonged bout with reality. Charlie says it wasn't so much the cocaine or alcohol or pills, but mostly his brain just separating from itself. Did his recovery involve rehab? Charlie quickly responds, "Oh, yeah, 9 times."
Dave says if we all knew that Charlie's life wasn't in grave danger at the time, it all would have been tremendously entertaining. Did Charlie enjoy this episodic period of his life? Charlie says a lot of it was memorable. I took that to mean a lot of it he can't remember. Charlie says he booked "a 21-city tour in 33 days with no act." Only in America!

Dave asks if the anger is now gone that seemed to pervade his personality. Charlie doesn't refer to it as anger, but as passion. I like that. I'll have to remember to use that myself. "No, honey, I'm not angry! I'm passionate!" Yeah, I think that'll work.
Does Charlie think he'll ever go back to "Two and a Half Men?" He says he would like to go back, sure, maybe for the last episode. Dave reminds him that the show did kill him off. Charlie says, "Oh, yeah, I'm dead but so is the show." Hey-oh!

Charlie's new show is entitled, appropriately, "Anger Management." You'll find it on the FX channel, and the 2nd season premieres in a two-parter this Thursday at 9:00 PM.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Here's the plan for tomorrow: Jennifer Lawrence, Alan Zweibel, and A$AP Rocky. We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
PHIL SIMMS

He's the lead football analyst on CBS and will be broadcasting the Super Bowl on February 3rd. Phil enters and gives a quick wave and hello to Late Show writer Bill Scheft in the wings. He sits and before sipping from the Late Show mug, asks with concern, "Is this the cup that Charlie drank out of?"
Phil was the Super Bowl winning and MVP quarterback for the New York Giants in 1987. He completed 22 of 25 passes. I was walking a foot-post that day as a member of the NYPD. I would peek into a bar window to try to keep up with the game. I would wave to the people inside to get out of the way of the TV. The festive crowd would wave back at me, thinking I was saying hello. I was not a happy patrolman that night, believe me
How has football changed since '87? Phil says everything is now geared towards protecting the players and creating more offense. The game is more wide open today; you can't hit the quarterback, and you can't hit the receivers. The fans want more offense, so the league changed the rules to make it so. (It's all entertainment. Got to bring in more eyes to the game. More eyes equal more advertising dollars.)
Concussions are the big story in the NFL game today. Did Phil ever get a concussion? He says he did in the first game in 1987 against the Chicago Bears. He got hit and knew he got banged up pretty good. A play came in from the sideline and Phil remembers thinking, "We don't know this play! We've never done this before!" He was taken out . . . for about 10 plays and then went back in. Players never want to be taken out. They have 3 things in mind: to perform, to be out on the field, and to be there for the next game. The career is short and there is a long line of players wanting to take your place. What can we do about players today seemingly getting in trouble off the field? Phil doesn't think things have changed all that much, but today everyone has a camera. If a pro athlete does anything wrong, somebody will have a camera to record it. And that is the reason why I am so glad I went to college when I did. I'm not sure if anyone would have hired me if my 4 years in college were captured by the social media.
Who does Phil like in the Super Bowl? He won't say . . . he can't predict . . . Phil is doing the game and doesn't want any of the players getting sore at him. He's too frail.

Phil Simms – one of the best at what he does. Doesn't talk too much and admits when he's wrong.
Hey, Phil! Tell your director to keep the cameras on the game.

ACT 7:
JOSE JAMES

From his forthcoming album, "No Beginning, No End," Jose James performed "Trouble." Liked it. Reminded me of Al Jarreau.

And that was our show for Monday, January 14, 2013.

Phil Simms quarterbacked the Giants from a laughing stock to respectability and then onto being Champions. I still remember his being drafted #7 overall in the 1979 NFL draft. The boos rained down from the Giant faithful: "Phil Simms? Who the hell is Phil Simms? And what the hell is a Morehead State?"
All I know about Morehead is it graduated Phil Simms and it has an annual festival for bald men. And just now when I looked up more info on Morehead I learned that Phil went to Morehead State University in Kentucky. The Morehead with the "Bald Is Beautiful" festival is Morehead City, North Carolina.
Oops, or as so many on the internets write: "opps"

I'm watching the Broncos/Ravens football game Saturday. It's frigid cold in Denver and as a show of mental toughness, many Ravens went with short-sleeved jerseys without a long sleeve underneath. They were so single-minded that the cold would not bother them. Announcer Greg Gumbel asks analyst and former player Dan Dierdorf if he ever wore long sleeves in the cold when he played. Dan quickly shoots off a "NO!' then backtracks with, "Well, maybe once in Minnesota."
And then I waited. Somebody is on it, right? Somebody working behind the scenes at the CBS game would recognize what was now lying out there just waiting . . . . But no one took up on it. So I did. Within 30 seconds on the Google I found 3 shots of St. Louis Cardinals' Dan Dierdorf in his playing days wearing a long sleeve shirt under his jersey. C'mon! We should have seen Dan in a long-sleeve, especially after he said he did not wear long sleeves. One of Dan in long-sleeves was on a football card; another was his playing against the Baltimore Colts.
If I worked the game for CBS, you would have seen Dan Dierdorf in a long-sleeved shirt under his jersey.

Shots of Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis sitting on the sideline when the Ravens have the ball. Shots of Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco sitting on the sideline when the Ravens defense is on the field. Why?
CBS carries the Raven/Patriot game this Sunday. I'm sure they'll do it again and again; shots of Lewis when the Ravens are on offense; shots of Flacco when the Ravens are on defense. It drives me CRAZY! How about showing us who is going in or who is coming out between plays? Or how about discussing Peyton Manning's signal-calling? All game Peyton would bark out signals, numbers, and stuff, and then just before the snap he would shout, "Hurry hurry . . . hut!" Every snap came right after "hurry hurry. . . . hut." Unless Peyton was setting up the Ravens for an offsides when desperately needed, the "hurry hurry . . . hut" was a very predictable snap count.

My high school football team wasn't the sharpest. The 3 years I was on the team we hiked the ball on the first "hut" every time. "Down . . . green 38 . . . . hut!" If we ever tried to go on "two" the entire team would jump offsides. And the one time we didn't jump offsides, we all forgot the play.

Watching the football playoffs without the New York Giants involved is like being at a party that you're not really invited to. It's like going to your wife's college reunion. It's supposed to be fun, you can see people having fun, but it's not all that much fun.

"Downton Abbey" – I expect great things from Edith this season. "You're being tested. It will make you stronger." Look out! Edith is going to rip it up! The middle child will be seen, will be heard, will be a tsunami of action in Downton. I would not want to be in her way.
What did they do with "Downton Abbey" last year on Super Bowl Sunday?

Tomorrow: Jennifer Lawrence, Alan Zweibel, and A$AP Rocky. One of them is a rapper.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Rolla, Missouri, it's Suzanne Roberson Femmer
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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