Jennifer Lawrence, Alan Zweibel, and A$AP Rocky.
PLUS: The Vaccine Shortage, the Noisy City, a Message from the CDC, Lance with Oprah, a Dave Sneeze, a New Product to Fight the Flu, a Top Ten List; and the "Match & Win Lucky Temperature!"
" . . . and now, acclaimed plate spinner . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "Lance Armstrong admitted to what we pretty much knew all along . . . he's a lesbian."
- "Oprah interviewed Lance Armstrong. I think Oprah was confused. She kept asking, 'Tell us about walking on the moon.'"
- "Obama's half-brother is running for Governor of Kenya. But there's a problem. Opponents claim he was born in Hawaii."
People wishing to protect themselves from influenza have to tend with a vaccine shortage. The Centers for Disease Control addressed the issue with this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "The worst flu season in a decade has left health officials concerned about vaccine shortages. To those people who have not yet been vaccinated, we here at the Centers for Disease Control recommend injecting yourself with .5 milliliters of root beer!
Let us know how you make out!
The CDC: The only missing ingredient . . . . is you!"
New York City . . the noisiest city? Some think so. I said "SOME THINK SO!" Experts think they know why. We look at a clip. It's the cackling from the hosts of "The View."
Uh oh. You know it's flu season and it's an epidemic here in the city. Dave lets out a huge sneeze. The audience in the front row was prepared. They quickly cover themselves in a clear tarp as Dave's mucus-sneeze sprays upon them. I think the CBS Pages deserve credit for their preparation of such happening.
Oprah has a big interview with Lance Armstrong coming up. We take a look at a promo for the very revealing discussion between the two. We take a quick gander. Ooh, Lance . . . he looks ancient.
Steroids are fine, but you have to keep taking them once you start or else . . . you age quicker than a precocious child star.
The flu season . . . bad news for many, but an opportunity for others. Have you seen the new product on the market? We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "If you are one of the miserable Americans battling the flu . . . and Kleenex with lotion just isn't enough . . . (happy announce) . . . introducing new Kleenex with Chicken Soup! It's the healing power of delicious chicken soup in Kleenex form!"
Cut to a guy blowing his nose in Kleenex with Chicken Soup.
The tissue is dripping with soup . . . at least I hope it's soup.
GUY: "Ahh . . . . much better!"
ANNOUNCE: "Kleenex with Chicken Soup. In your grocer's wet paper goods aisle."
Going into commercial, Paul billboards the night's show.
PAUL: "Coming up, Top Ten Other Lance Armstrong Revelations. And Jennifer Lawrence. Why do I have to do this? I'm a little busy here!"
Doping and steroids are big in the news of late, especially with the Lance Armstrong interview with Oprah and the lack of baseball players being voted into the Hall of Fame this year. But Dave isn't sure what to think about steroids. He wonders . . . wouldn't baseball be more exciting if a guy hit 100 home runs in a season?
I remember seeing a cartoon strip. A guy is sitting at a bar. He says to the guy next to him:
"To tell you the truth, I wouldn't have minded seeing Mickey Mantle on steroids."
Dave opens the Top Ten and asks Paul to guess tonight's topic. Paul muses a moment and "guesses" it has something to do with Lance Armstrong and steroids. DING! I guess Dave was busy when Paul billboarded the Top Ten going into the break.
TOP TEN: OTHER LANCE ARMSTRONG REVELATIONS.
My info blue card provided the basics, that Lance Armstrong admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs to win 7 Tours de France. Dave wonders if that's how you pluralize Tour de France.
Yes! It is! I originally had "Tour de Frances" but searched out the plural for Tour de France. It is TOURS de France. I figured Dave would question that. It sort of like Attorneys General.
OTHER LANCE ARMSTRONG REVELATIONS
9. Still never leaves the house without several vials of clean urine
7. Took steroids to work up the strength to admit taking steroids.
4. Has given up on making the Baseball Hall of Fame.
2. Started erotic website, "Tour de Pants." --- (yes, people, when in doubt, make your jokes sexual in nature. It always gets a big response.)
She won a Golden Globe the other night and she is nominated for an Academy Award for her work in "Silver Linings Playbook." It's her 2nd Academy Award nomination. And she's just a kid . . . 22 years old. We had a big crowd outside the theater today for her arrival. When I asked why, I was told she was in the Hunger Games movie. Oh, well there you go.
Dave asks how she became such a good actor. Jennifer says it's because she is a good liar. She's been lying her whole life. In school she lied about needing to have her leg amputated, that her mom was pregnant, that dad worked on a barge. Why would she do such things? Jennifer can't really explain her behavior other than that she loves stories.
Before going to commercial, Dave says "A lot of controversy in your life . . . and we'll talk about it when we come back." WOW! Dave's like . . . like a professional talk show host! He teases something you won't want to miss, so don't go away! It's like he a graduate of the Connecticut School of Broadcasting. Nice going, Dave!
Jennifer got into some hot water Sunday night on a night that should have been a big celebration. She won a Golden Globe and when she went up to accept the Award, she blurted out, "I beat Meryl!" The twitter world exploded that Jennifer dissed Ms. Meryl Streep. Even Lindsay Lohan was appalled at Jennifer's behavior. But Jennifer explains she was quoting a line from "The First Wives Club." She explains how that line was used in the film and Jennifer was simply re-using it. Jiminy! C'mon, nobody disses Meryl. It's Meryl Streep!
That's the problem with this social media. Stuff gets out there that hasn't been checked and people take it as truth. Dave tried the tweeting for a while but soon learned he had nothing to say. Dave pretends to tweet out a twit: "I have abdominal cramps." Who wants to know that? Jennifer agrees, and adds to the abdominal cramps with something about anal leakage. Uh oh, this has taken a turn. And all I can think about when I hear "anal leakage" is Olestra Potato Chips. Wasn't that one of the side effects? And isn't Jennifer too young to remember Olestra? A quick check finds that it was in the news in 1996, 17 years ago. Jennifer would have been 5.
And there's another controversy in Jennifer's life. A magazine published a photograph of Jennifer with somebody else's butt. It was in an issue of "bad bathing suit photos." But it's not her butt! It's her face, but with another's butt. I would never dream that a magazine would do such a thing just to sell their magazine.
Jennifer Lawrence - good guest, quick witted, not afraid to be . . . well, just that, not afraid to be.
"Silver Linings Playbook" - Jennifer Lawrence is nominated for an Academy Award. Lots of good reviews out there for the film. It opens nationwide this Friday.
Here's something new, it's time to play "Match & Win Lucky Temperature!"
DAVE: "Alan, what's the 'Match & Win Lucky Temperature' tonight?"
We cut to a very illin' Alan Kalter. His face and eyes are blotchy red. It's apparent he's got the flu.
ALAN: very drowsy, very frail - he takes a thermometer out of his mouth and reads softly: "103.5."
DAVE: "Gosh, that's pretty high! And what do we have for the home viewers who match your temperature, Alan?"
ALAN: groggy, lost, barely alive: "I don't know."
DAVE: "Wasn't it something like an electric hedge trimmer?"
ALAN: "Yeah, maybe it's a hedge trimmer." Quick shot of an electric hedge trimmer.
DAVE: "That's a beauty! Hope you folks had a match on 'Match & Win Lucky Temperature.'"
ALAN: "Dave, can I go lie down?"
DAVE: "Let's talk about it after the show, Alan. "
Over the waving audience, we get a crawl along the bottom of the screen with tomorrow's weather: "Weather Bulletin: Tomorrow, Dave welcomes Kim and Kourtney Kardashian, and Buddy Guy. No idea about the weather, sorry."
The very funny writer recently was honored at his high school, being inducted into the school's Hall of Fame. That must be very cool. High school is just a pot of people, and from the pot just a few are picked out for fame and fortune. Alan invited friends and family to the ceremony, including his high school English teacher who repeatedly failed him. Unfortunately, the teacher could not attend. Alan is not one to hold a grudge but judging from the letter the teacher wrote, she does. The gist of the letter was condescending and hurtful, but I must say the grammar was impeccable.
Alan and his wife of a lifetime are now living in the empty nest. The last of their 3 children has moved out. And now it is just Alan and his wife. They moved their daughter into New York City and on the drive back to New Jersey was very lonely and quiet. For the first time in 33 years their life did not revolved around the children. As they made their way through the Lincoln Tunnel into the Garden State, Alan turned to his wife and said, "So, how've you been?" I think I'll feel the same way when my girls head off to college. I'm already making a list of topics for conversation.
When they got home, Alan and wife sat in front of the TV. There was quiet. There was an emptiness. All Alan could think of was, "Shouldn't we be naked now?" I don't know. A lot changes from before kids to after kids. One thing is we all look better with clothes on.
Look for Alan's book, "Lunatics," now in paperback, and soon to be a major motion picture. How 'bout that! Congratulations, Alan Zweibel and co-author Dave Barry. Nice.
A$AP ROCKY: From his debut album, "Long. Live. A$AP," A$AP Rocky performed "Long Live A$AP/Wild For The Night" medley.
And that was our show for Tuesday January 15, 2013.
I had this last year. For a month it seems I'm two days away from coming down with the flu. I could feel something coming but it never comes. I'm getting a sniff of the flu but it never gets any closer. I'm going to Puerto Rico for a couple days next week. I imagine the flu is waiting for that.
Just when I start to think I'm talented in some respects, I go see an old high school chum in a one-man performance down the block. Friday night I went to see Rock Wilk in "Broke Wide Open" at the 45th Street Theater, his final performance. In it, Rock explores his life as an adopted son in search of himself. Jiminy, the talent in this guy was astounding. A tremendous story told in gripping detail left me and the entire audience spellbound. It was an evening of "Wow!"
Keep an eye open and an ear listening for Rock Wilk.
As Rock says, "Check it out." www.brokewideopen.com
Look Alikes/Sound Alikes: NFL Officiating guru Mike Pereira and Storage Wars Barry Weiss.
And now, from the Donz, it's time for Late Night the Day They Were Born.
Jennifer Lawrence was born August 15, 1990
What happened on LATE NIGHT the day Jennifer Lawrence was born?
LATE NIGHT, August 15, 1990 (#1349): Buddy Hackett, Zachary Richard, who sang "Who Stole My Monkey," and Christian Slater, who, when he was eight, was babysat by Dave's assistant Laurie Diamond. Also: debut of Anton Fig's Expiration Date Guess, 1-900-DAVECHAT.
Top Ten Ways Khadafy Can Regain Title of World's Most Insane Leader:
10. Eat his own foot in front of Newsweek reporter
9. Hijackings every hour on the hour
8. Put inflated surgical glove on head at press conferences
7. Buy stock in Eastern Airlines
6. Go on cross-country car trip with Joe Piscopo; ask, "Do you do impressions?"
5. Continually ask himself, "What would Curly do?"
4. Appoint Quayle Vice-President
3. Open a retail electronics store and sell stuff at prices so low he's practically giving it away!
2. Marry Cher
1. Try the McRibs
And that's what happened on LATE NIGHT the day Jennifer Lawrence was born.
Can you remember what you were doing on August 15, 1990?
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Trussell Technologies and a former Edina Hornet, it's Dave Hokanson
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
Instructions to change your password should arrive in your inbox in a few moments.