Jeremy Renner, and Jack Hanna.
PLUS: The Detroit Auto Show; the Flu in New York; an Inauguration Preview; Dave's Super Bowl Promo; and a Top Ten List.
" . . . and now, steamboat captain on the Mighty Mississippi . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o's girlfriend turned out not to exist. Even still, Brent Musburger thinks she's hot!"
- "A loaded 200-year-old cannon from the Revolutionary War days was discovered in New York City's Central Park. It's nice to know the city cleans the Park once every 300 years."
- "A loose cannon, loaded and full of powder . . . it's just like Charlie Sheen."
The North American International Auto Show
is underway in Detroit. And there's more excitement ahead in Motown. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "It's the North American International Auto Show in Detroit! Catch all the latest sports cars, SUVs, luxury cars and concept vehicles. And next month, don't miss the Detroit Giant Turntable Show!"
We see a rotating platform without a car on it.
ANNOUNCE: "Detroit: We're back!"
The flu season is so severe, New York Governor Cuomo declared a public health emergency. Luckily, officials are being proactive in providing some relief. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "Attention, New Yorkers: Despite providing more access than ever to flu immunizations, thousands of new cases are being reported every day. That's why we're administering complimentary topical analgesic treatment in the form of city-wide Vicks VapoRub distribution
We see two city employees on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater building. They lug a large bucket filled with Vicks VapoRub. They dump the contents over the side down to the sidewalk. An unsuspecting pedestrian is hit by the viscous Vicks atop the head. At first he is confused and perturbed, but then the soothing vapors of the Vicks take effect. He's now a satisfied customer! He rubs the Vicks on his chest and continues on his way.
ANNOUNCE: "In regular and lemon. New York: Breathe in your tax dollars at work."
Barack Obama's 2nd inauguration is only a few days away, so we've prepared this special preview of what you'll see on Inauguration Day.
ART CARD: THE LATE SHOW INAUGURATION PREVIEW
But we have nothing. We listen and read along the following scrolling down the screen:
"This comedy piece could not be completed because the Late Show's writers, editors and graphic artists are all out sick with the flu. Instead, please enjoy this video of singing legend Pat Boone."
We see former heavy-metalist and famed crooner Pat Boone doing lasso tricks on a stage. Oops! His hairpiece goes flying off!
ANNOUNCE: "Thanks for watching The Late Show Inauguration Preview."
I did a quick Pat Boone search on the wiki. I learned this: Pat Boone still holds the Billboard record for spending 220 consecutive weeks on the charts with one or more songs each week. The Beatles wish they could say that.
Dave's all excited about the Super Bowl being carried by CBS this year. Yeah, it's our turn! The network asked if we would do a promo for the Big Game. I guess Dave was hoping to score a ticket or two because he agreed to do it. He calls in the boys to bring out the green screen to place behind him. When all is set, Dave begins his promotional announcement.
DAVE: "OK, ready, set! Hut 1 . . . . hut 2 . . ." A football is tossed Dave's way. "Hi! Eli/Payton/RGIII-Dave here, reminding you to huddle up around the TV for Super Bowl XLVII on CBS, February 3rd. Yeah, the Tiffany Network is now the Pigskin Network! Super Sunday? Heh heh heh, No no no, more like Super Funday!"
Dave turns and passes the football towards the green screen. A receiver appears, running an in-pattern and makes the reception.
Freeze on Dave.
ALAN ANNOUNCE: "Super Bowl XLVII, only on CBS!"
By the way, since CBS is carrying the Super Bowl, the Late Show will be doing a commercial promo during the game, featuring Dave. I have no idea what is planned, but I imagine it's going to be big.
TOP TEN: SIGNS YOU HAVE AN IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND
Hoo, boy, this is some story. The reported death of the girlfriend of Notre Dame All-American linebacker Manti Te'o turned out to be a hoax. And then it was later learned that his girlfriend never existed in the first place. DOH! I was going to say, "You can't make this stuff up" . . . . but I'd be wrong since the whole thing was made up.
Sort of sounds like a Seinfeld episode involving George or Kramer.
SIGNS YOU HAVE AN IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND
"Photo" of girlfriend looks suspiciously like SunMaid raisin lady
You keep referring to her in the first person
Have a patent pending for a machine that gives you a hickey
Everyone can tell you're arguing on the phone with Siri.
My submission: The only photo you have of her is a racy folded cut-out of the woman on the Land-O-Lakes butter carton.
He's a two-time Academy Award nominee; one for "The Hurt Locker," directed by Kathryn Bigelow, and the other for "The Town," directed by Ben Affleck. Bigelow won Best Director for The Hurt Locker and Ben is nominated this year. Who does he prefer to work with? Jeremy wisely won't say; it's like choosing between which child you like better.
Jeremy and his buddy have a "hobby." They go out and flip houses. They buy up a house and needs some loving care and they fix it up. They started this early in their show business career and have kept at it even now when they have success. They have bought, fixed, and sold about 20 homes so far. Jeremy likes houses with some history behind it, which is kind of hard to do in Los Angeles. They live in the structures while they renovate. All they really require is a working toilet. Showers can be taken at the local gym. The price range started around the half-million mark and now can go up as high as 25 million. They pour a lot of work and money into it, but they get a lot out of it, too. It's a hobby I would like to have. Takes time and money, neither which I have much of at the moment. Rehabbing a house requires some knowledge about everything, and you learn more and more following every flip.
Jeremy's new film is entitled, "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters." It sort of takes off where the story ends. I like the idea of taking a closer look at stories we have long loved, sort of like the super successful "Wicked" exploring The Wizard of Oz. I would like to follow up on Humpty Dumpty and the lawsuit I'm sure he filed. It would make for a thrilling court room drama.
"Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" - opens January 25th.
Dave considers the segments with Jack Hanna as the most popular among our audience over the years.
Jack enters with an anteater around his neck. He places it on Dave's desk and then leaps across the desk to save Dave's pencils from the ant-eating anteater. Little does Jack know that we have more pencils upstairs, but I appreciated his concern. This anteater is from Central/South America and is rumored to enjoy oranges. Jack tries to have the anteater suck on Dave's orange-dunk finger but he won't do it. Though brown in color now, this anteater's fur is green in the Amazon because algae will grow on it.
The next animal is some kind of road runner bird; a Sierema. Jack places a plastic lizard in front of the bird and we watch it attack the lizard, grabbing it in its beak, and slamming it down on a rock. It does this over and over again much to Jack's amusement.
Next up: a pug for Jack and a baby lion for his handler. Jack is awed by the King of Beasts. Their numbers have dwindled in the past few decades but are now protected in hopes of bring up that number. And why is the pug here? Nobody's quite sure.
The echidna - a spiney, porcupine-like critter. It's very rare. Jack says how the echidna likes to hide in dark places so he shoves it in his crotch area. But the spines, Jack, the spines! Not sure if that is a good idea. From Australia, the echidna is one of only two egg-laying mammals in the world. The other . . . class? That's right, the duckbill platypus. What makes the echidna so interesting is it has four parts to its penis. So why is it so rare? I would think they'd be plentiful!
And finally, it's a huge python. It takes a team of three to carry the reptile out on stage. Jack says these are slithering amok in the Florida everglades and the citizenry is having a hard time containing them. With no natural enemies, the python is multiplying much too rapidly for the likes of the Floridians. With his back to the python, Jack explains something about the snake. Dave suddenly blurts in great fear and excitement, "Oh, geez, look out!" Jack leaps out of the way . . . for no reason at all. Dave was just kidding.
And that was Jack. Look for him at his Columbus Zoo, and on the TV on "Jack Hanna's Into The Wild" and "Jack Hanna's Wild Countdown."
ANNOUNCE: "Tune in tomorrow as Dave welcomes Kevin Bacon, comedian Brian Kiley, and The Amazing. Back after this.
And that was our show for Thursday January 17, 2013.
Lance Armstrong is now on the cereal box of "Cheaties"
No matter what you know, no matter how much you think you know, somebody knows more. I was watching the Atlanta Falcon/ Seattle Seahawk game last Sunday. The Falcons blow their big lead late in the game, but then make a miraculous comeback with only seconds remaining, and then make the bonehead play of the decade that could have lost them the game with 6 seconds left. The Falcons go up by two points and then kick an onside/squib kick. This gave the Seahawks, who didn't have a chance to win, a chance to win. Luckily for the Falcons, it turned out OK.
I mentioned to Bill Scheft that the squib kick reminded me of a New York Giants' loss to the Redskins in the late 70s. Scheft snaps back, "1981" and moves on.
I looked it up. It was November 15, 1981. Scheft isn't even a Giants fan.
Imagine this . . . I'm making pea soup last week and the recipe says I don't have to soak the beans. Usually I have to soak them over night or put them in a pot to a boil and then let them sit for two hours. This recipe said that wasn't necessary. No soaking required. And the pea soup tasted great. No difference between soaking and not. Fascinating stuff.
I'm not all that anti-steroids. I can understand why somebody would take the stuff, especially if you are close to making it to the big time. We all know Lance Armstrong won 7 Tours de France and made a lot of money along the way. Can anyone tell me who came in second those years? And how much money they have made? Imagine you're in a Triple-A minor league baseball team. You just can't make it over the hump to the big time. A shot in the butt could get you there; for the money, for the glamour, for the financial security or at least for the financial reward for the years you put into the sport. You can make well into the six-figures as the 24th man on the baseball team, or you can go home and . . . well, you can see how much your friends are making. Athletes will use any edge they can. Keds will make them run faster and jump higher. PF Flyers have a secret built-in action web. Steroids contain performance enhancers.
I wrestled in high school. I excelled at mediocrity. A side-effect of using steroids is back acne. I remember wrestling guys who had more bumps on their back than a braille telephone book. The stuff's been out there a long time and athletes will continue to look for the magic potion to make them better. They all want to win. Some will eat Wheaties. Some will go in a different direction. Yeah, it's not right, it's not fair, but it's understandable.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Jumping on the blues wagon along with me, from Durham, North Carolina, it's George Craver
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee