Jason Bateman, Alison Brie, and Shovels and Rope
PLUS: Discontinues Academy Awards; Pat Farmer’s family; Iranian Science; Subway sandwich news; Rupert’s Foot-Long; a Top Ten List; next week on the Late Show; and next month on the Late Show.
“ . . . . and now, Hall of Fame umpire . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“It’s warm and cloudy . . . like A-Rod’s urine test.”
-“A-Rod denied the allegations of using performance enhancing drugs; then he tested positive for bull-djoy.”
With the Academy Awards just around the corner, we thought it would be fun to look back at winners of categories which have been discontinued. We watch.
ART CARD: "Discontinued Academy Awards Categories"
ANNOUNCE: "In 1968, the winner for Best Picture Featuring Two Guys Eating Soup was ‘The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.’"
We see Eli Wallach and Lee Van Cleef and Eli Wallach slurping soup.
ANNOUNCE: "See you next time on 'Discontinued Academy Awards Categories.' "
Hmmm, even though Dave did this from the monologue, I typed up a blue card, as I do for all vt jokes. I looked up “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.” I had it opening in December of 1966. I’ll be right back.
“The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly” – was not nominated for any Academy Awards. I keep seeing 1966 as the year it opened, so if it were nominated for anything it would have been in 1967. No?
Add it to your blooper reel.
Pat Farmer enters with two children. He is giving the children a tour of the theater.
DAVE: "Uh, hi, Pat."
PAT: "Hi, Dave. How are you?"
DAVE: "Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen.” (The audience, desperate to see any celebrity, applauds Pat Farmer) “Nice to have you with us."
Pat introduces the kids to Dave.
DAVE: "Pat, I'm sorry. What's going on?”
PAT: “My grandmother's watching the show tonight, Dave. She hasn't seen my kids in a while, so I thought I'd bring them out." (to the camera) "Look how big they're getting! It's crazy, isn't it?"
DAVE: “Well, Pat, that's great, and my best to your grandmother, but we're right in the middle of the show. Maybe we can do this a later."
PAT: (as he and the kids exit): “Uh, sure. Come on, kids."
Before exiting, Pat has one more thing for Dave.
PAT: "Don't ever yell at me again in front of my family."
Dave doesn’t think he did any actual yelling. He then wonders with a mutter: “His grandmother has got to be close to 150!"
Did you hear about the space launch by Iran? They sent a monkey into space. It’s an exciting time in Iran. We take a look at this segment, “Iranian Science Breakthroughs.”
ANNOUNCE: "First, Iranian scientists successfully launched a monkey into space. And today, they put an astronaut in a zoo."
We see an astronaut in a spacesuit. He is in a cage at a zoo. He tries to gets anyone’s attention.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Iranian Science Breakthroughs.' "
Subway has come under fire because it turns out its foot-long sandwiches are actually not 12 inches long. Now things have taken an even more unfortunate turn. We take a look at this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "We here at Subway admit that we can no longer refer to our sandwiches as 'foot long,' when they actually measure less than 12 inches. In addition, our lawyers now inform us that we can no longer refer to this menu item as 'meat' balls."
Exciting week coming up here at the Late Show. Next week, following all the Super Bowl hullaballoo, the Late Show will feature Elvis Presley Tribute Week! Elvis impersonators all next week! Songs on the playlist:
Dave announces Elvis Presley Tribute Week next week. Here's the line-up:
- “Jailhouse Rock”
- "Hound Dog"
- "I Can't Help Falling in Love"
- "If I Can Dream"
- "Suspicious Minds"
I’m looking forward to this so much more than I should. I love the Elvis. And I will try to put this question in Dave’s head next week:
When going to see a tribute band, would you rather sit in the front row or the back row?
Dave then does some “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You” resulting in a standing ovation. It looked and sounded like 1990s Elvis.
Hey, let’s go over to the Hello Deli.
Dave asks Rupert if he is aware of the Subway foot-long sandwich controversy. The sandwiches aren’t a foot-long at all! Well, Rupert is advertising a Foot-long hot dog and a Mega Foot-Long Hot Dog. The Mega comes with bacon, French fries, chili, cheese, and whatever else Rupert has leftover in the fridge. Does Rupert have one of those foot-long dogs handy? Yes, he does. Rupert reaches under the counter to reveal his foot-long.
During rehearsal, we just had someone ask Rupert for a slice of meat. The rehearsal was for a sound check and camera angles and to make sure nothing has changed much since the last time we visited Rupert. For the show, we asked Rupert to have a hot dog ready in case Dave wanted to try one of those. Rupert was unaware of what we had planned.
Is Rupert’s foot-long actually 12 inches? The stage manager hands Rupert a tape measure. Huh? It measures only 8 inches, 9 with the roll. Dave makes Rupert go outside to the menu board to change the foot-long hot dog special to the 8-Inch Hot Dog special. Will Rupert now lower the price of the “foot”-long? Rupert hems, then haws, then says, “Well, it is nice and thick, though.”
The foot-long is only 8 inches. Close enough, I guess. And try paying him a dollar less than it reads on the menu. Try telling him it’s close enough.
TOP TEN: CHANGES AT CNN – The new president at CNN, Jeff Zucker, is making big changes at the CNN in hopes to make it a player in the news game once again.
CHANGES AT CNN
10. The Situation Room now hosted by the Situation.
9. Sanjay Gupta’s hilarious new sitcom: “Two Broke Guptas.”
1. More coverage of goats. (we see the vt of the newswoman getting butted to the ground by a goat.)
Any kids? The audience laughs at Dave’s sudden opener. Jason is the dad of two girls, a 6 –year-old and a 1’er. The little one just found her voice . . . . . somewhere over Nevada on yesterday’s flight east. Oh, boy. The baby on a cross-country flight. It’s everyone’s nightmare. I don’t mind a crying baby. I enjoy the fact that it isn’t mine doing the crying. I don’t mind if the baby is crying just as long as the parents are making an effort to calm it down. Are the parents equipped with a pacifier, a bottle, toys, games, stuffed animals? If they have their supplies and are trying their best, I don’t mind a crying baby. If the parents act as if the crying baby is adorable . . . .well, then I start crying.
Dave admits he’s only a recent watcher of “Arrested Development.” He says all the other times Jason has been here to promote the show, he had never seen it. Now that Dave’s caught up, he loves the “Arrested.” He likes everything about it. Me, I still haven’t watched it but everything I hear about it is great great great. I remember when FOX canceled it. Even though I never saw it, I thought CBS should steal it. Those who watched it, loved it, and it was only a matter of time before others discovered it. If Les Moonves was my older brother, I would have told him so. But he’s not. My brother’s name is Bob.
Jason’s new film is entitled, “Identity Thief,” co-starring with Melissa McCarthy who was here earlier this week. Jason said she looked so relaxed during her appearance. He credits that to her keeping her kids back home in L.A.
Dave is chatting at the desk when he is interrupted by a Late Show promo.
ANNOUNCE: (ominous) “This month on the Late Show, one of these familiar faces . . . . (shots of Paul, Biff, Dave, Tony, Pat, and Alan). . . . will not make it out alive. And one of these familiar faces . . . (Paul, Biff, Tony, Pat, and Alan) . . . will be accused of murder. And one of these familiar faces . . . (Paul, Tony, Pat, and Alan) . . . will be accused of bribing Biff to lace Dave’s coffee with arsenic. And one of these familiar faces . . . (Tony, Pat, Alan) . . . will be charged with obtaining the arsenic to poison Dave. And of these familiar faces . . . (Tony, Alan) . . . . will be accused of being the mastermind of the plot to poison Dave. And one of these familiar faces . . . (long shot of Alan) . . . will be fined for an unrelated incident at an adult bookstore in Trenton. Only on the Late Show.”
DAVE: “I can’t wait to see what happens.”
Alan Announce: “Don’t miss tomorrow’s Late Show with Dave’s guests Al Pacino, and Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Wait! Go back! I think I saw someone I know!” (the camera stops panning and reverses, zeroing in on a guy in the audience.)
“Yeah, right there . . . . . nope, that’s some other guy. Never mind.”
She’s stars in the NBC series, “Community.” Also starring at one time on “Community” was Chevy Chase. She and he once stole a golf cart and barreled through the production grounds of various films and shows in progress. She admits to being lucky to survive the 5 mph mad dash. But it was OK, nobody got mad, because she was with Chevy Chase. Or it may have been due to her gorgeous feet.
“Community” – the 4th season premieres Thursday, February 7th at 8 PM. And you can see her in the new film almost everyone is talking about, “Toy’s House,” written by former Late Show staffer Chris Galletta. He got his big start directing “The Tony Mendez Show.” I think his first order of business was eliminating my opening announce.
SHOVELS AND ROPE
From their album, “O’ Be Joyful,” Shovels and Rope performed “Birmingham.” Shovels is Michael Trent. Rope is Cary Anny Hearst . . . or vice versa.
And that was our show for Wednesday, January 30, 2013.
Oh, about the 5-Dollar Foot-Long Subway sandwich . . . . there is a big billboard at Yankee Stadium advertising the $5 Foot-Long Subway sandwich. When you go to the snack stand, the $5 Foot-Long costs $14. Now THERE’S your controversy! And do you know why they can charge $14? Because people are willing to pay $14.
In case you’re wondering, we restarted the segment with Jason Bateman . . . twice. The first time Dave misspoke and called Bateman’s new film, “Identity Theft,” not “Identity Thief.” I think everyone who had to write the film’s title did that at least once. I know I did. I know the segment producer who wrote the intro did it. And I know cue cards did it. We each caught our own mistake as soon as we made it. As did Dave.
And then during the Bateman segment, Jason made a joke about one of his children. It was kinda funny but he then tried to talk his way around it and he seemed to only dig himself deeper. Dave saw the trouble that would be awaiting Jason at home and asked if he would like to start over. Jason thought a moment, paused, muttered, “yeah” and then bolted for the guest entrance. And then you saw the rest.
New York City is taking down those “Don’t Honk” signs because they are generally ignored. So why take them down?
On my flight back from Puerto Rico on Sunday, I watched the Clint Eastwood movie, “Trouble With The Curve.” It had Clint and it had baseball. I liked it. How could it miss? It had Clint and baseball! It also starred Amy Adams and Justin Timberlake. I thought it was a bit too nicely packaged with too many things ending just as you hoped. There was the main story and then there were 4 or 5 ancillary stories going on. And then at the end, everything was perfect. A bit too Pollyanna? Yeah, but that’s the beauty of baseball. I bought into the fairytale and was entertained from the Turks and Caicos Islands to Dover.
Here’s some sad news . . . . the last survivor of The Andrew Sisters passed away. Patty Andrews was 94. Back in high school and college, I would bring out my Andrew Sisters album and dance the night away to “In The Mood.” Come to think of it, not only did I dance the night away, but when I put the album on I may have danced the party away, too.
I’m gonna miss you, Patty Andrews!
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Atlanta, Georgia, by way of Yonkers, New York, it’s his birthday today, Brian Morrissey.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
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