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Friday, February 8, 2013 After 31 years, Paul Shaffer finally gets to watch the Late Show.
Show #3803
Pauley Perrette, Jake Johannsen, and Ben Portsmouth.
PLUS: the Weekend Late Show; a Top Ten list; and Paul watches the show from the audience point of view.

" . . . and now, holder of many many world records . . . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-"It's the Chinese Year of the Snake. I'm so dumb, I'm still writing ‘The Year of the Dragon' on my checks."
-"It's Fashion Week, and Monday is the Dog Show at Madison Square Garden. We've got bitches coming and going." I should go back and see how many years in a row we've done this joke. It's like Jay Thomas and the football thing.
-"A list of the worse jobs in America was published. The worse jobs: lumber jack, roustabout, and taxi driver. Also on the list, Arnold Schwarnegger's nanny."

After telling the above joke, Dave says he isn't quite sure what a ‘roustabout' is. Really? He's asking "What's a ‘Roustabout?" during Elvis Tribute Artist Week? Oh, come on, Dave! Roustabout! It was one of Elvis's movies! "Roustabout" – 1964. Elvis joins a struggling carnival and works as a "carnie," or a roustabout.
The screenplay was nominated for a Writers Guild of America award for best written American musical. The film's soundtrack reached Number 1 on the Billboard Album Chart.

Roustabout . . . . now you know.

ACT 2:
Time to check to see what's in store tomorrow on the "Weekend Late Show" with Bruce and Linda.
We find Bruce and Linda in their familiar position at the desk. The desk is adorned with festive and seasonal morning show motif.
LINDA: "Thanks, Dave. It's the weekend after the Super Bowl and you know what that means, Bruce. It's our annual juice cleanse. Follow along with us at home --- the instructions are on our website ---and see if you aren't feeling like a new person by next week!"
BRUCE: "I always feel like a hungrier person! Hey, Linda, do you know CPR?"
LINDA: "Why . . . did your heart stop? (laughing at her own joke) Yes, I do."
BRUCE: "Well, in a fascinating interview, our health editor Tammy Van Bushkirk, sits down with Al Wagner, the inventor of the CPR practice dummy. He'll also show us some of the other, less famous dummies he's built just for fun."
LINDA: "I'm intrigued. It's also the 50th birthday of country singer Travis Tritt --- he'll join us by phone to talk about the big day, his music, and what it's like to be a member of the Grand Ole Opry."
BRUCE: "Cool! All that, plus breeding ferrets, work-release programs, and ‘What three minor surgeries can perform at home?' tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."
LINDA: "Back to you, Dave."

TOP TEN: PEOPLE NOT NOMINATED FOR A ‘BEST SPOKEN WORD' GRAMMY AWARD
-Tonight's Top Ten is a video Top Ten.
10. GWBush: "Are my testicles black?"
9. Joe Theisman: "My prostate is giving me fits."
8. Brad Pitt: doing his Chanel No. 5 commercial: "The world turns and we turn with it."
7. Al Roker: "I pooped my pants . . . not horribly."
6. Mitt Romney: "I like being able to fire people."
5. Mayor Michael Bloomberg: "I don't think we've had a murder in the past 2 or 3 days."
4. This woman: "Constipation, diarrhea, gas, bloating . . . that's me!"
3. Me, Dave: We see a vt of Dave with his face to the desk making growling, gnawing sounds. After watching the clip, Dave mutters, "Nice bald spot."
2. Vice President Joe Biden: "This President has a big stick"
1. Ernie Anastos: "Keep ‘givl'ing that chicken."

Before presenting the Top Ten, Dave offered an impression of his mother's reprimanding, if Dave's mother was Charles Bronson.
Dave, as his mom, if she were Charles Bronson: "I do and do for you kids and this is the thanks I get?"

ACT 3:
PAULEY PERRETTE

She's on the NCIS, the number 1 series on the TV and you can find it on CBS. Talk turns to shoes, sprained ankles, and how a sprained ankle stays with you for a long long time. Dave says he sprained his ankle when he was a kid and never got over it. Pauley is also involved in many charities, including the support of hero dogs that benefit people from all walks of life. Did you see the Clydesdale/Budweiser commercial during the Super Bowl? Sorry, this is all I have. I left my notes at work and I'm doing this from home.
NCIS – Tuesdays at 8:00 PM on the Columbia Broadcasting System.

ACT 4:
Dave starts talking about the Hostess snack company that is going out of business. People are concerned that there will be no more Twinkies and Ho-Hos and . . . .what is that in the audience? Dave peers into the crowd. Is that Paul?
DAVE: "Paul? What are you doing in the audience?"
PAUL: "You know, after 31 years of working with you, I realized something crazy. I've never seen the show before."
DAVE: "And you picked THIS show to watch?
PAUL: "I just wanted to check it out. Don't mind me. Go ahead with your skit."
DAVE: "Well, it's not really a skit . . . anyway, Hostess went out of business, or so they say."

Dave says how he thinks the Hostess thing is all manipulation. They create the fear that there will be no more Twinkies which throws the Obese States of America into a conniption fit. Now everyone is rushing out to buy Ho-Hos and Twinkies. Well, a new international company, Apollo Global Management, has bought up Hostess which means the Twinkie is coming back.
We cut to celebrations from around the world; New York, Paris, Tokyo, the Vatican, Australia.

Back LIVE to Dave. Dave sees that Paul is leaving his seat and exiting out the back.
DAVE: "Paul! Paul! Now what are you doing?"
PAUL: "I've seen enough. I'm good." Paul exits. Dave wishes he could join him.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE:
Monday's show: Bill O'Reilly and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Cover revealed.

ACT 6:
JAKE JOHANNSEN

He will be performing at Goodnight's Comedy Club in Raleigh, North Carolina from February 14th through the 16th. Jake opines that no one talks to anyone anymore. It's all done on the social media. And we no longer have people friends, but we are friends with malls and gas stations.

ACT 7:
BEN PORTSMOUTH

Ben is the first European to be named the "Ultimate Elvis Tribute Artist." Ben performed "An American Trilogy," comprising of "Dixie," "All My Trials," and "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." Tremendous.

And that was our show for Friday, February 8, 2013.

After a week of Elvis, I've put on my shopping to-do list to pick up the 1968 Elvis comeback concert and the '72 concert in Hawaii.

By now you know how much I enjoyed Elvis week. I went out in the audience for each performance and watched from the back. I found that I was just about the perfect distance away. Sit too close and you could tell it wasn't really Elvis. 100 feet back and eyes like mine you could pretend. Watching the close-ups on TV would probably lessen the fantasy.

Who was your favorite Elvis? I liked ‘em all, but my favorites may have had to do with the song more than the performer. Tonight's "An American Trilogy" may have been my top.

ELVIS FACTS
-Elvis had a 15 1/2" - 16" neck size and size 11 shoe.
-Elvis 3 Grammy Award were in the Gospel category
-His hobbies included go-carting, karate, touch football, and numerology
-Elvis named two of his jumpsuits "Gypsy" and "Mad Tiger."
-He performed only 5 concerts outside the United States, all in Canada in 1957.

Seeing himself in the Top Ten, Dave commented on his bald spot. Yes, those who have more hair on the floor than on their head all go through this. You're the last to see your own bald spot, and when you finally do, it's quite a shock. I remember my first sight of my bald spot. It was in someone's wedding video. The congregation was exiting the church. An overhead shot was shown. And that's when I first saw my bald spot.
I'm now thinking of shaving my head to make it appear as if bald is my idea.

Snow in the northeast. My girls had an early dismissal from school. It was known going in. They have to go in because they missed a lot of school during Hurricane Sandy. The schools have used up their allotted snow days and now have to pull stunts like "early dismissal." It's not much more than taking the bus to school, milling about until the buses have transported the other school-aged kids to school, and then return home.
Meanwhile, I'm going to the supermarket to watch the panic.

While you're out shoveling, don't forget to clear the hydrants even if it's on your neighbor's yard. The hydrant is for you, too.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday today, from the 14th floor, it's Walter Kim
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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