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Monday, February 11, 2013 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover girl Kate Upton stands tall over Broadway.
Show #3804
Bill O'Reilly, The Avett Brothers, and a Top Ten list presented by models featured in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
PLUS: the asteroid; a collection for the Pope; the auditions for the Pope; a Dave apology; and a look back at Elvis Tribute Artist Week.

" . . . and now, voted ‘Best in Show' . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"10 Sports Illustrated swimsuit models are on the show tonight. And then we have Bill O'Reilly. It's like taking Viagra and an antidote."
-"The Pope announced his resignation. He was complaining of a chronic problem neck pain after years of looking the other way."

Have you heard about the asteroid heading our way? It is believed that it will just miss us. Did you see the commercial of someone who is trying to cash in on the people's concern? We watch.
ANNOUNCE: "A large asteroid is tumbling toward the earth. Are you prepared? Get ‘Asteroid Off Space Rock Repellent.' It's reliable, long-lasting protection.
Also try ‘Deep Woods Asteroid Off,' available at True Value Hardware."

Cue car fella Todd Seda enters. He is holding a brown envelope.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Todd. How are you? Nice to see you."
TODD: "HI, Dave. Sorry to bother you."
DAVE: (sarcastic) "It's not a bother, really. We're right in the middle of the show."
TODD: "Uh huh. So, the Pope is retiring and the staff is taking up a collection to get him a gift."
DAVE: "Really?"
TODD: "Yeah." (shows Dave the envelope.)
Dave reaches into his pocket for the $20 we put into his pocket for this bit.
DAVE: "Well, alright. I don't want to be the one who didn't who didn't chip in." (hands Todd the $20)
TODD: "Thanks. We're going to get him a Vespa scooter."
DAVE: "Uhh, that's a great idea."
Todd begins to exit, but adds one more thing.
TODD: "Oh, and we're gonna have bagels for the Pope at the Thursday production meeting, if you want to stop by. Up to you."
DAVE: "Thursday? Well, that's Asteroid Day."
Todd exits with his dinner money for the night.

Pope Benedict XVI has announced he'll retire at the end of the month. He's agreed to help the Vatican find a new Pope. We take a look at some video of the auditions already underway.
We see the Pope sitting in his big expensive chair in his big expensive house. In front of him are a bunch of shirtless hunky acrobats trying to impress the Pontiff. Good luck, guys!

ACT 2:
Dave takes a moment to apologize and to give credit. On Thursday's show, we had Sally Field on the show. She's Academy Award nominated for her role in "Lincoln." Dave threw out a line about Lincoln walking 5 miles to and from school each day. What they never told you was he was always late. It was a funny line, but Dave realizes he isn't all the funny. Where did he get the joke? He now remembers he "borrowed" it from comedian Steve Mittleman. Mittleman was on the old show. Dave apologizes for using Mittleman's joke with crediting him. His $75 is in the mail.

What I know about Steve Mittleman. It must have been in the early 80s. A group of us went to a local comedy club. Mittleman was one of the stand-ups. He walks on stage and I immediately think, "Wow, this guy doesn't have a chin." He takes the microphone, looks out into the crowd, and after a beat, says, "I know what you're thinking." I howled.

Dave relives the glory of last week's "Elvis Tribute Artist Week." We show a quick montage of the 5 performers who graced out stage.
I was hoping we would keep doing and doing Elvis Tribute Artists until they got really really bad. The Gong Show did that once. The entire show was Elvis impersonators. Oh, that Chuck Barris!

TOP TEN: Questions on the Application to Become a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model.
It's an annual thing at the Late Show . . . the big unveiling of the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. The big question: Who is on the cover? Well, this year there was a leak. Seems Chinese hackers hacked into the S.I. computers and released the top secret cover before we were able.
10. "How naked do you see yourself in five years?" (Emily Didonato)
9. "Have you dated Charlie Sheen?" (Nina Agdal)
8. "Are you willing to kiss a tubby guy for a Super Bowl commercial?" (Ariel Meredith)
7. "Can you provide your own beach towel?" (Chrissy Teigen)
6. "Will you keep your mouth shut if we lose a couple of girls to shark attacks?" (Hannah Davis)
5. "Please list your three most recent employers' measurements" (Alyssa Miller)
4. "Have you ever used pose-enhancing drugs?" (Julie Henderson)
3. "Are you willing to visit the elderly at his late night talk show?" (Genevieve Morton)
2. "How would Brent Musburger describe you?" (Katherine Webb)
1. "Where's the strangest place you've found sand?" (Kate Upton)

Dave presents each with a red rose as we go to commercial, taking a look at the unveiling of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, posted this year against the offices of the Ed Sullivan Theater. Our neighbors next door across Broadway are delighted with the new view. On the cover is Kate Upton, earning the very desirable spot for the second year in a row.

Dan Fetter, CBS Orchestra coordinator, is campaigning to have the billboard turned the other way, facing in.

ACT 3:
BILL O'REILLY

Once these two were adversaries; now they seem to enjoy the good-natured battling. Bill O' is here to promote "The O'Reilly Factor," weeknights at 8 P, 11P, and 5A. And he's the author of 3 bestselling books "Killing Lincoln," "Killing Kennedy," and "Lincoln's Last Days." Sounds perfect for Valentine's Day! And we take a look at Bill's newest work, "Zachary Taylor: Not Feeling So Well."
What makes Bill's books so appealing? He says the books make history exciting, interesting, and puts you there in time. National Geographic has teamed up with O'Reilly for a docudrama based on Bill's "Killing Lincoln," to be seen this Sunday at 8 PM.
My mother-in-law always said that if Lincoln stayed home on Good Friday like he should have, he'd still be alive today. And Ted Kennedy got into a mess with his nephew William Kennedy Smith on Good Friday, too.
Talk turns to Andrew Johnson, drones, guns, the Seals. Dave had one more thing to ask O'Reilly but it escaped him. We'll get to it next time.

ACT 5:
Out on the Late Show marquee stands Kate Upton, standing just below her 55' x 35' billboard. My interest was more on the billboard.

ACT 6:
Hey, where's Anton? He's supposed to be at his drummer's post with the orchestra but he's gone missing. Paul? Paul is embarrassed that he has lost track of his drummer. A band needs a guy with a beat. Where is he? Anton?! We cut to the green room. We find Anton teaching S.I. swimsuit model Chrissy Teigen the art of drumming. Anton sits behind her as she is enveloped within his arms. Dave calls out to Anton a number of times but his mind seems elsewhere. Finally Anton snaps, "Dave, can't you give me one damn minute!" Dave apologizes and has Anton continue.

An idea that just came to me. After Anton's line, the camera widens to find the rest of the CBS Orchestra standing in line with their instruments waiting to teach Chrissy how to play.

ACT 7:
THE AVETT BROTHERS
: From the CD, "The Carpenter," The Avett Brothers performed "February 7."

And that was our show for Monday, February 11, 2013.

Sigh . . . . . did you see today's Huffington? Featured is an article and video, "Walter Cronkite's 1967 Vision Of The 21st Century Home Office Is Shockingly On Point."
From the December 10, 2012 Wahoo Gazette:
"You know what show I wish they brought back? ‘Twenty First Century.' It used to be on CBS back in the late 60s that showed what we could expect in the next century. It was narrated by Walter Cronkite. Well, we're in the next century. Let's see how close the 60s documentary came to reality. That's what I would do if I ruled the world . . . or if I were Les Moonves."
I'm glad somebody's reading the Wahoo Gazette. Thank you, Arianna. C'mon, Les! How ‘bout it?

The weather report for last Friday was for snow starting at 7:00 AM and then it would stop. It would start again later that afternoon. At 8:00 AM-ish I e-mailed in to in to say I wasn't coming in since it had already begun to snow. I pretended not to know that it was going to stop. I figured it wouldn't be a major inconvenience to the show if I stayed home since we don't tape on Friday. It's mostly a "catch up" day, getting to stuff we put off during the week. If it were a show day I would have definitely gone in. So I e-mail in, I get the OK, and then sit back and do my Wahoos from my home computer. And the snow never stopped. Not once. It went from 7:00 AM well into my sleep that night. It's a good thing I didn't go in because I don't know if I could have made it home. My guess is we had 18 inches by me. But it seems like so much more when you're shoveling it.

California is offering a $1 million reward for the capture of the California gun man. Is this really a good idea? I mean it's like "Hey, there's a million dollars out there! Go get it!" I can imagine how many vigilantes are out in the mountains with rifles and pistols and handguns and shotguns looking for their retirement. I wouldn't go out on a pleasure hike for a few days.

The Pope quits. Really? During Lent? It's like quitting right before the playoffs. He can't quit now! Easter is coming! It's his Super Bowl! It's his World Series! If he's going to quit, Benedict should have done it a month ago or waited until after Easter. He can't quit now. It's like a paperboy quitting two weeks before Christmas. Yeah, it's just like that, like a paperboy quitting two weeks before Christmas.
Oh, and I can't wait to hear the real story.

I finish shoveling my driveway Saturday morning. I make some talk with my neighbor and we both agree how we hate how people will clear their cars of snow but leave that big mesa plateau of snow sitting on their roof. Where do these people think that snow will go when they get out on the streets or, worse, the highway? The snow will blow off and crash into the windshield of the car behind them. But they don't care just as long as their little world is taken care of. It's another case of people going through life with blinders on.
We both agree there should be spot where cops stop every car with snow on the roof. The driver can either get a summons or they can get out right there and clean it off. We are satisfied with our solution to such a problem. It's dangerous and there should be something done about it. As we talked, an off-duty cop from the neighborhood drives by. His car has a10-inch top hat of snow on the roof. And then a volunteer fireman drives by. He too has a mattress of snow on his car roof. And then a guy who works with the Ambulance Corps drives by. Same thing. All these safety soldiers and they don't get the danger of icy snow on the roof of their car? Somebody explain please.

When it snows in New York City, it's very pretty for about 12 minutes. Then it goes to slush and dirt and muddy water. Everything starts to melt and the slush has nowhere to go.
My Show Idea: put a camera outside by a street corner. Watch the people step into a 1-inch puddle that is actually12-inches deep. Watch and enjoy their reaction. These slush puddles are all over the city. You think it's just an inch. It's not. It's great fun to watch the non-suspecters.

Not a good start to my week. Walking out onto my front porch this morning I slipped on the ice and took a header. It took me 15 minutes to find my keys in the snow. I feel a little bruise on my thigh and elbow. Tomorrow I'll be feeling the pain all over. I know what you're thinking . . . . "How's your 54-year old hip?" I know I'm approaching the age where every fall is followed by "How's your hip?" My hip is fine, thank you.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From South Portland, Maine, it's Danny Page
And that concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Tuesday, September 30
Alan Kalter reveals the Secret Word of the night!
Monday, September 29
Late Show costume designer Sue Hum takes a $200,000 trip around the world.
Saturday, September 27
The Pop-Tarts are ready!
Friday, September 26
The very funny Jerry Seinfeld stops by for standup and sit-down.
Wednesday, September 24
Kelly Ripa sends Dave's butt to the cloud.