Jason Bateman, Piedmont Bird Callers, and John Fogerty.
PLUS: Justin Bieber's Past Pets; Good Commencement/Bad Commencement; Dave's New Medical Drama; a Top Ten List; and Tom Hanks Keeps Interrupting.
" . . . and now, beleaguered big leaguer . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "HBO is airing a movie about Liberace this weekend, 'Behind the Candelabra.' We learn he was addicted to plastic surgery, had a wig collection, made 12 costume changes a day . . . . OK, everybody, all together . . . . . 'it's like I have a twin!'"
- "Lots of scandals in Washington. Obama's in trouble. He's thinking he may have to go out and kill Osama bin Laden again."
Justin Bieber's monkey, Mally, has become German property after Bieber failed to retrieve the animal with proper documentation. Dave is beginning to think that Justin may not be the most qualified pet owner. Rumors have it he's a bit irresponsible. We take a look.
ART CARD: THE DARK SIDE OF JUSTIN BIEBER PET OWNERSHIP
ANNOUNCE: "March 21, 2011: Justin's pet bear sneaked out of his hotel room." We see a clip of a bear ambling around the lobby of a hotel.
"July 13, 2012: "Justin left his pet deer on a city bus." We see a clip of a deer that has wandered into a city bus looking for a way out.
"May 9, 2013: "Justin forgot his pet moose at a pool party." We see a clip of a moose enjoying a dip in a pool.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'The Dark Side of Justin Bieber Pet Ownership.' "
This piece was made up of old clips we've used before. We simply changed the set-up.
Hey, it's college graduation time and nothing is more important to a graduation than the commencement speech. Some are good; some are not. We take a look at this:
ART CARD: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH / BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH"
ANNOUNCE: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see former President Bill Clinton giving a roaring good commencement speech.
ANNOUNCE: "BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see Charlie Callas in cap and gown honking repeatedly.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.'"
Hey, here to save the day is Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks enters and stands by Dave. Tom is going through his daily voice exercises, sputtering silly syllables to warm up and strengthen the muscles needed to reach the back row of a Broadway theater. Dave welcomes the multiple Academy Award winner.
TOM: "Dave, you know that I'm doing a Broadway show just down the street. I invited you to the opening but you didn't show up."
DAVE: "Yeah, I'm sorry about missing opening night, but I loved seeing the show a week ago."
TOM: "Oh, it's fine, Dave. I gave your seats to Jimmy Fallon." (Tom does more voice exercises)
DAVE: "That doesn't explain why you're here."
TOM: "I'm testing out the acoustics, Dave. You never know when we might need a new theater."
DAVE: "We're not planning on going anywhere." (ed.note: You hear that? We're not leaving! Not any time in the near future, anyway!)
TOM: "Neither was Leno. Don't mind me. You won't even know I'm here." (Tom continues with his voice exercise as he exits.)
Working in theater does something to people.
You can see Tom in his Tony-nominated role of "Lucky Guy" at the Broadhurst Theater right down the block.
Sitting in for Felicia Collins tonight is Mike Muller.
CBS announced their new fall lineup of programs this week and Dave is very excited to be included in a new medical drama
. His part is small right now but who knows where it will lead? You never know. We take a look at a promo/preview of the new CBS medical drama.
ANNOUNCE: "When a patient develops a mysterious ailment that no one can identify, they're sent to a team of specialized doctors, led by a surly, unconventional genius."
Cut to Dave, LIVE, at the desk. He is in a white lab coat and studying an x-ray.
DAVE: (exclaiming) "This man's lungs are upside down!"
ANNOUNCE: "Starring Hector Elizondo, Amy Brenneman and David Letterman. 'Medical Hospital' . . . this fall, on CBS."
TOP TEN: BIRDS
We see the opening animation. When we come back we find Tom Hanks in the steps behind Dave. He speaks with his finger in his mouth as another Broadway theater voice enunciation exercise.
TOM: "Now entertain conjecture of a time . . . ."
DAVE: "Oh, no, not this again."
TOM: "Can you people hear me in the balcony? Dave, I think this theater might work out well for us.
DAVE: "Tom, why do you have your finger in your mouth?"
TOM: "Vocal warm-ups, Dave. Try it. Want to use my finger?"
DAVE: "If I had a nickel for every time I was asked that . . . Now, Tom, don't you have somewhere you need to be?"
TOM: "Oh, good idea. I'll go take measurements of your dressing room." Tom exits.
Dave senses Tom's visits are becoming annoying, but how do you tell that to Tom Hanks? You can't! He's Tom Hanks.
I "Played The Dave" during this 2nd Tom Hanks interruption. When it was hard to understand what Tom was saying with his finger in his mouth, I "Played The Dave" and guessed Dave was going to bellow, "It sounds like your lungs are upside down!" BUZZ!
TOP TEN: BIRDS
(Piedmont Bird Callers are here tonight)
Originally, the category was called "Top Ten Bird Names We're Not Sure We Can Say On Television." The list may have made more sense with that title.
PIEDMONT BIRD CALLERS
- It's the 48th year of the Piedmont bird calling competition. Winners used to visit Johnny Carson. Dave continued the tradition and they now come here to the Late Show.
1. Amy Kelleher, Becca Havian, and Jo Ireland.
Each is 16 and a sophomore. They finished in 3rd place in the competition. Their bird call is that of the gyrfalcon, the largest falcon in the world. The three gather in a half-circle and do their best gyrfalcon.
I again "Played The Dave" and guessed Dave would point out Becca's last name, "Havian, like avian." BUZZ!
Damn, I'm going to have to start hanging out in Dave's dressing room before the show. I can give him a lot of good ones.
2. Dina Zangwill - 2nd place.
Dina is 18 and a senior. What does she plan to do this summer after graduating? Dina excitedly says she's going to ComicCon. Yup, that's a big deal for a lot of people. I have to remember it's their baseball All-Star game. Dina plans to study biotechnology in college and then become a patent lawyer for biotech. Kids are so much more mature than I was when I was their age. My summer after high school I dreamed of becoming an astronaut or a cowboy.
Dina's bird call: the red-throated loon. She deserves points simply for the fact that she did a solo. Dave isn't sure why the last bird needed three people to do it, but he has his suspicions as to what's going on.
3. The 1st Place winners, James Clifford, Eli Nash and Gabe Bolio.
James plans on interning this summer for a water engineering firm. Dave can read between the lines and says, "Oh, a water park, right?" Eli will be spending his exciting summer getting started on his college applications. Gabe will be traveling to Uruguay and staying with a host family. Dave asks, "Do they now it?"
Their bird call: the greater prairie chicken. Dave is excited with this call since he is familiar with the mid-west bird, sharing what he knows.
The three then do the greater prairie chicken. As with all the bird calls, we have to accept that's the way a greater prairie chicken actually sounds
And to finish up, the bunch gets together and they do their calls in unison. Sounded a lot like "The View."
Back from commercial, we hear a ringing cell phone from the audience. And then we hear a hacking cough, as if someone has a pretzel lodged in their throat. We turn on the lights to find Tom Hanks sitting in the front row. It is he who is making the noise.
TOM: "Sorry. A chunk of pretzel went down my windpipe." (DING) "And I was positive this phone was turned off."
DAVE: "Are you all right? Do you need some water?"
TOM: "No, thank you, I'm good. Would you hold on a second? (Tom finishes his conversation on the phone)
TOM: (into the phone) "Sure, I can ask him." (to Dave) "Uh, Dave, when is this rehearsal over, and when is the actual show going to start because I want to hear what the theater sounds like when the laughs get really big."
DAVE: This actually is the show, Tom. And I wouldn't expect any really big laughs."
TOM: "This . . . . this is the show right now?"
TOM: "This is going to be on TV?"
DAVE: "That's right."
TOM: "Hmmmm . . . (into phone) . . . "Oh, yeah, his place is definitely going to be available."
Tom exits out the side door. Dave calls him back for a bow and present Tom a dozen fake roses. Tom exits out the guest entrance.
DING! I guessed that Jason Bateman would enter with the roses just presented to Tom. They passed each other seconds earlier.
Dave watched the first episode of the returning "Arrested Development" and loved it, especially Jason's part. But what's with the beard? Jason says he had to grow it for a new role but is not happy with it. The beard color doesn't match his hair color, plus it's not coming in all that good. It's a bit patchy and uneven, like my back yard. Worse yet, it's a 9-month growth so it probably won't be getting too much better.
"Arrested Development" is back after a 7-year hiatus. There have been persistent rumors that it would be coming back as a film or a series on one of the networks or cable but something always got in the way. Jason says it was hard to line everything up. The schedules of the lead players never quite synched up. Dave cuts to the chase and says, "Money?" Jason nods. Dave follows, "Who was holding out for more money." Jason quickly confesses, "Will Arnett."
"Arrested Development" - it returns on the NetFlix on May 26th where you can see all 15 new episodes. It's what TV will be like in the future, except it is here now.
ANNOUNCE: "Be sure to join us tomorrow as Dave welcomes Woody Harrelson, comedian Tommy Johnagin, and John Fogerty, with Dawes.
The American Red Cross is providing relief to those affected by the tornadoes in Oklahoma. We urge you to visit redcross.org, and make a donation earmarked for 'Oklahoma Relief.'
He may be my favorite all time. From his new album, "Wrote A Song For Everyone," John Fogerty performed "Mystic Highway."
And that was our show for Tuesday May 21, 2013.
DOH! Every time he's on I make sure not to call him "Justin" Bateman. It's Jason Bateman. I heard he gets that a lot and it's probably because his sister the actress is named Justine. So I kept a close eye out for every time I typed out his name . . . . except in the opening announce. Dang it! Alan Kalter read the opening announce as it was typed and so we had to re-do it after the show with "Jason" Bateman, not Justin. Just when I thought I had it mastered . . . . and that's when I always get in trouble, when I relax and I think the trouble is behind me.
Can you believe I got a whole Wahoo yesterday out of adding coolant to my car?
reader Greg Evans
writes on the Facebook that the "M" and "N" are worn out on his keyboard. Just those two letters. Naturally, I had to check my keyboard. Yup, the "N" on mine is worn, too. The "M" just ever so slightly. Barely detectable. The "S" also has some wear and tear. I'll come up with a reason eventually.
What keys are worn out on your keyboard? And thanks, Greg, for the Wahoo filler.
Congratulations, Michael Spitz
, on his graduation from SUNY Cortland. Dark days lie ahead following the fun you've had in college. . . then things will get better again. That goes for all you college graduates.
And congratulations to Kelsey Campbell, graduate of SUNY Binghamton.
And a congratulations to Daniel Stephen Carbery, Quinnipiac University graduate, Class of 2013
Hang in there, Ranger hockey fans. Down 0-3 is not fatal. I remember my Islanders back in '75. This is how the Rangers have to look at their 3-game-to-zero deficit against the Boston Bruins. Game 4 is home in Madison Square Garden. It's a home game and the Rangers should win. OK, Rangers, just take care of this "should." Win Game 4. The key to the whole series will be game 5. This game they probably shouldn't win playing in Boston. But they obviously have to. Win this game and the series comes back to New York and the pressure is on the Bruins. Game 6 is a Ranger home game and again it's a game they should win. So now the series it tied at 3 games all and Game 7 is back in Boston with all the pressure on the Bruins to win. Anything can happen in one game. Take care of the two "shoulds" . . . . Game 4 and 6, and then somehow steal Game 5 in Boston. And that's all that's to it! That's how you win a 7-game series after being down 3 games to zero. The key is Game 5.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Baltimore, Maryland, and graduate of Woodstown High School in New Jersey, it's Tom Powell
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee