Aziz Ansari, Brian Kiley, and Ben Howard.
PLUS: the Pope’s coming to the city; the droning of the White House; the NFL prepares; Snail Facials; a Top Ten List; and Dave’s Super Bowl Party Checklist.
“ From a basket of adorable kittens, it’s the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight: From ‘Parks and Recreation’ Aziz Ansari, comedian Brian Kiley, and music from Ben Howard. Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. I’m Alan Kalter. And now, the football referee with the big biceps . . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
Uh, oh, I wasn’t at my usual position to open the show. I was standing by waiting to fill in for Alan. Yeah, Alan’s going to run into an accident or something later in the show.
Happy Pope news for Christians here in New York City. Pope Francis plans to come to the Big Apple later this year. And the news gets even better. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: “His Holiness Pope Francis has confirmed a visit to New York City in September. And for one night only, the Broadway hit ‘Mamma Mia’ becomes ‘Dios Mio!’ The pontiff joins the cast for rewritten ABBA songs, like ‘Super Poper,’ ‘Take a Chalice On Me.’ ‘The Name of the Saint,’ and ‘Dancing Nun.’
Visit telecharge.com now for tickets!
Please, no Methodists.”
A small drone crash-landed on the White House grounds. This isn’t the first time something like this happened. Did you see President Obama’s recent weekly address? We take a look.
We see the President speeching at a lectern at the White House. A drone enters and hovers. Like the fly he once killed on camera, the President swats away the annoying drone right out of the air.
Nice work, Mr. President. Didn’t even skip a beat.
The Super Bowl hype is really ratcheting up. The NFL wants everything to go perfect. Dave saw a surprising story about this on the CNN.
ANNOUNCE: “In Glendale, Arizona, the countdown to Super Bowl 49 is underway, and organizers say everything is on schedule. Today, the two teams held their dress rehearsal for Sunday’s 31-24 Patriots win over the Seahawks.
Bob Newsface, CNN.”
Did you hear about this? There’s now something called a “Snail Facial.” Dave saw it on one of the daytime talk shows. You put snails on your face and it’s supposed to be good for your skin. We take a look at some photos of people undergoing a Snail Facial. Dave says it may seem crazy, but it’s catching on. Dave looks over at our Alan Kalter and sees he too is practicing the Snail Facial.
DAVE: “Even our announcer Alan Kalter is doing it.”
We see Alan with snails all over his face. It’s supposed to be good for the skin.
ALAN: “What are you talking about, Dave?”
DAVE: “Well, I noticed you’ve got the . . you know . . . the snail facial thing . . . “
ALAN: (still confused): “I’m sorry, I don’t follow. . . . “
DAVE: “Alan, you have snails all over your face.”
Alan slowly touches his face until he finds a snail. He takes a look at it and begins to scream in deathly fear. He crumbles to the ground like a quivering chilly premature Panda. Nancy at the booth hurries over and helps Alan off stage behind the curtain. Alan continues to wail, making sure he gets at least 5 spoken lines in.
And then I step in to do the ACT 1 promo and tease. I’m still not sure why they use me, but I’ll never ask.
What’s Dave got in his hands? It’s a list; a Super Bowl Party Checklist. He’s planning a “Big Game” Party at the house and wants to make sure he’s done all that’s required.
DAVE’S SUPER BOWL PARTY CHECKLIST
-Bring up folding chairs from basement (DING)
-Buy several bags of party ice (DING)
-Learn how to operate my television (BUZZ)
-Hire the rabbi (DING)
-Clean the grotto (BUZZ)
-Get free supply of Tostitos by promoting Tostitos on the show. (Dave looks behind the desk for a bag of Tostitos. He opens the bag and samples.) “Mmm, delicious” (DING)
-Buy weed for my special guacamole (BUZZ)
-Get new rabbit ears for the TV (BUZZ)
-Invite my parole officer (DING)
-Invite sound effects guy (BUZZ)
-Memorize Katy Perry lyrics for halftime sing-along (DING)
-Practice not staring at Tom Brady’s eyes (BUZZ)
-Tell guests to show up so they don’t get fined (DING)
-Ask my wife if she minds having a Super Bowl part (BUZZ)
-Overcome my dread of being around people (BUZZ)
-Cancel Super Bowl Party (DING DING DING DING DING)
He’s from the popular “Parks and Recreation” but is dressed as if he’s from Century 21.
The last time Aziz was here (October 2014), he was getting ready for his shows at Madison Square Garden. He did two shows which were filmed for an upcoming special. At the end of the 2nd show, he surprised his parents and brought them on stage. It was an emotional moment. The three had a nice, warm hug right there on stage. But then dad tried to make his way to the microphone as if he had material planned, too. Aziz was able to keep dad away. That’s usually a good idea. The comedy special will be on the Netflix this March.
And what’s with the beef Aziz is having with Rupert Murdoch? Mr. Murdoch is like the most powerful man in all of media. He’s not the best person to pick a fight with . . . with whom to pick a fight. Apparently, Murdoch tweeted . . . . doesn’t it seem all fights start with a tweet . . . . . . Murdoch tweeted what Aziz felt was a racist remark. I just looked it up. His tweet was as follows:
“Maybe most Moslems peaceful, but until they recognize and destroy their growing jihadist cancer they must be held responsible.”
Aziz felt that wasn’t very responsible of him, since there are 1.4 billion Muslims in the world. To blame all of them for a very minute percentage isn’t very fair. Aziz took it upon himself to blame Murdoch for every wrong ever perpetrated by white people. It took three days, but Rupert finally offered up a general apology.
You know what Boys2Men drink when they tour? Aziz came across a cooler at a big event with big letters: “BOYS II MEN ONLY!” Naturally when you see that, you have to take a look inside. And what did he find? Gatorade. Small bottles of lemon-lime Gatorade. Aziz, the rebel, drank ‘em all. Sheesh. Maybe Murdoch was right.
Aziz is sad to say that “Parks and Recreation” is coming to a close. It’s had a great run. You can watch the final season every Tuesday night in back-to-back episodes starting at 8:00 PM on the NBC.
TOP TEN: OTHER TRADEMARKED PHRASES
-Taylor Swift trademarked a number of phrases from her “1989” album, like “This Sick Beat” and “"Nice to Meet You, Where You Been?" I don’t care what she says, I am still going to say to people I’ve just met, “Nice to meet you” whether I mean it or not.
TOP TEN: OTHER TRADEMARKED PHRASES – it’s a video top ten.
10. President Barack Obama: “Caffeine-laced undergarments”
9. Tom Brady: “To me those balls are perfect”
8. Justin Bieber: “Hey hey hey hey hey!” (Dave grabbing at this brand new tattoo)
7. Chris Christie: “Sit down and shut up!”
6. Joe Biden: “The President has a big stick”
5. John Travolta: “Adele Dazeem”
4. Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch: “I’m here so I won’t get fined.”
3. Former Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood: “I don’t want to say they’re unsafe, but they’re dangerous.”
2. Former Los Angeles Clippers Owner Donald Sterling – one of his long pathetic apologies.
1. Former President George W. Bush: “Are my testicles black?”
ANNOUNCE: “Join us again Monday when Dave welcomes Jack Hanna, and Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. Searching for a lost item? When we come back, our experts suggest good places to look.”
Very funny. Simple joke set-up, then knocks it down. I like to play along and guess the punchline before it’s delivered, but Brian kept me surprised.
Look for his new novel, “The Astounding Misadventures of Rory Collins.”
From his CD, “I Forget Where We Were,” the singer from Devon, England performed “I Forget Where We Were”
And that was our show for Friday January 30, 2015.
Saturday night on the NFL Network is the “4th Annual NFL Honors,” a two-hour primetime special saluting the best plays and players from the 2014 season. Plus, the newest Hall of Fame class will be announced and introduced. The key here is that it’s the “4th Annual.” Wahoo readers should know I’ve been touting this very special and schedule for ten years. I’m still waiting on the NFL to start pushing Super Bowl Weekend vs. Super Bowl Sunday. And they could probably muster up more money by putting the Special on one of the big networks rather than their own.
Since Presidents Day isn’t for Lincoln or Washington anymore, but to celebrate ALL the Presidents, we can put Presidents Day wherever we want. So why not put it the Monday following the Super Bowl? This would be great for the hotel business not just in the host city, but for every hotel across the country. Hotels can host parties much like they host New Year’s Eve parties.
NFL, e-mail me. I got ideas.
What movie will be promoted furthest in advance?
How many times will the announcers tell us/director show us who is going in and coming out on each play.
And bring back the halftime marching band!
I’ll be rooting for the Patriots but I don’t have a good feeling about them. I can’t get their one-point win over the New York Jets on December 21st out of my mind. One point. Against the Jets. The Patriots needed the win to get the first-round bye. They beat the Jets by one point in that important game. The Jets.
And I don’t know why Seattle waited so long to use the read-option against the Packers. Russell Wilson is almost impossible to stop.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Patchogue, Long Island, for his first time and likely the last, tonight’s Cameo goes to Mark Lloyd Smith.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee