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Thursday, February 26, 2015 4 stars, but how many Heimlichs for Eric Ripert?
Show #4170
Julianna Margulies, Eric Ripert, and Glass Animals.  
PLUS: Alaska weed; Starbucks delivery; Here We Go Again; Congressman Schock explains; Small Town News; and a Top Ten list.

“From the capital of the Sunbelt, it’s the Late Show with David Letterman.   Tonight: From ‘The Good Wife’ Julianna Margulies, Chef Eric Ripert, and music from Glass Animals.  Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.  I’m Alan Kalter.  And now, America’s last plate-spinner . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
 
ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-“Cold.   Walking to work today, my face was so frozen I didn’t need botox.”
 
Ooh, oooh. Alaska!  Didja hear?   Alaska just legalized weed.   You heard of the Gold Rush in Alaska?  Well, this is going to be the Alaska’s Panama Gold Rush.  We take a look at this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: “This week, Alaska became the third state to legalize recreational marijuana.  Critics say that since the ban was lifted, productivity had dropped by 85%, as so many Alaskans just stare at the Northern Lights.”
Cut to a shot of the Northern Lights and swami music.
Marijuana Crowd: “Whooooaaaaaaahhhh.”
ANNOUNCE: “Steve Annen – CNN”
 
Starbucks is launching a new home delivery service.    We take a look at this odd commercial they are running.
ANNOUNCE: “Starbucks is launching a new home delivery service.  Simply place an order online and fresh coffee will be delivered to you from your local Starbucks, or the Starbucks across the street, or the Starbucks down the block, or the other Starbucks down the block, or the Starbucks across the street from the Starbucks down the block, or the Starbucks in your lobby.
Starbucks: More Than Just A Public Restroom”
 
Here now is another installment of Here We Go Again!
ART CARD: HERE WE GO AGAIN
We see Jeb Bush speeching and mispronouncing “nuclear” as “nu-cu-lar”.
We then see George W. Bush saying “nu-cu-lar”.  Three times.
Once again, Jeb Bush says “nu-cu-lar”.
And George W. with another “nu-cu-lar”.
ART CARD: HERE WE GO AGAIN
 
This guy again.  Remember the Illinois congressman who decorated his office to look like Downton Abby?  Yeah, cost the taxpayers about $24,000.  Well, he’s not done.    He’s now under fire for using taxpayer funds for private flights and tickets to a Katy Perry concert.    We take a look at this announcement from Congressman Aaron Schock’s office.
ANNOUNCE: “Representative Schock apologizes if he in any way misused campaign funds for private travel and concert tickets.   In times like these, ‘you just gotta ignite the light and let it shine, just own the night like the 4th of July.  Cause, baby, you’re a firework.’
Aaron Schock: He’ll make ‘em go ahh, ahh, ahh, gonna leave ‘em in awe awe awe.
Aaron Schock: Pride of Peoria”
 
You know, if you’re going to become a congressman and rip off the public, you should wait until at least your second term.   During your first term is the time you figure out what you can and can’t get away with.  Plus, you learn how to do it by watching how the others do it.  Sure, being a politician is a license to steal, but you need to learn how to steal it before you do.  It takes time.
Hmmm, Aaron Schock’s been elected four times in Illinois, and he’s still getting caught helping himself to taxpayer money?   Doesn’t he learn?  Well, maybe it’s because he’s so young.  He’s the 3rd youngest in the House, and he was the first member of the House to be born in the 1980’s.    But still, he may be young, but he should have learned by now how to take and what to take.   Illinois . . . do you really want a Congressman who still doesn’t know how to swindle after all this time in Office?   I mean, Schock comes from the same state as Chicago!  How can it be that he still doesn’t know how to work the system?
 
ACT 2:
It’s Wednesday, so you know what that means . . . . Small Town News.
-The Marshfield News-Herald (Marshfield, Wisconsin): “A 75-year-old Friendship man facing a 10th offense drunken driving charge told a deputy he smelled like alcohol because he just eaten beer-battered fish”
-The Lebanon Reporter (Lebanon, Indiana): “Indumbent Republican files to run in Lebanon.”
-The Bangor Daily News (Bangor, Maine): (“Banger?  I didn’t even know her!  I didn’t even kiss her!  I know nothing about her!”) “Portland woman develops cologne that makes men more appealing to cows”
-The Rogers Morning News (Rogers, Arkansas):  A police blotter item: “Tambrie Marlene Crawford was arrested Tuesday in connection with possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia.  Crawford was being held Wednesday in the Benton County Jail with no bong.”
-The Bradford Era (Bradford, Pennsylvania): A personal ad: “Looking for a boyfriend for the holidays!   Must be able to brush off my car every morning and have a job.”
-The Daily Globe (Ironwood, Michigan): “Burglar tracked through snow in Ironwood.  When the suspect sees the patrol car, he fled through deep snow, trying to hide beneath a tree.   Troopers followed footprints in the snow and arrested the man”
-The Toledo City Paper (Toledo, Ohio): An ad from a local business: “If you had no idea what to get her for Valentine’s Day, imagine how overwhelming arranging her funeral will be.”
-The Iowa State Daily (Ames, Iowa): “Retraction – The article ‘Decorate Your Dorm On The Cheap’ inaccurately described furniture purchased at Goodwill and Salvation Army stores as being ‘complete with that old urine smell.’”
And that’s Small Town News!
 
ACT 3:
JULIANNA MARGULIES
Dave’s got a secret that he’s going to let out.    On “The Good Wife,” Julianna Margulies wears . . . a wig!  Always has.   Julianna Margulies wears a wig made of real hair on the show.   She says when she started on the show, her son was just a year old.   She wasn’t going to spend any more time than necessary.    Plus, the weather plays havoc with her locks.   A wig cuts down on prep-time, and it’s great for continuity.   And she gets to keep ‘em.  So it’s a win win win and a few more wins all around.
And speaking of hair, can she explain what’s a dry bar?    Dave’s heard about it and thinks it’s where women go to get their hair dried, but he knows that can’t be.   There can’t be a place just for that.  How could you make any money on something like that?    Julianna assures Dave that there is such a thing.   Dave wonders, “What’s next?  A button bar?”   Dave then pretends he’s a gentleman who would like someone to button his jacket for him, if only there was such a place.
 
“The Good Wife”  - Sunday nights at 9:00PM . . . ON CBS!  Watch it!  And try not to stare at Julianna’s wig.
 
ACT 4:
TOP TEN: THINGS KIM JONG UN SAID TO HIS BARBER – KJU has a new haircut that is all the rage in North Korea . . . or else.    It’s an up-do with shaved sides.   It’s sort of the exact opposite of what I have.
THINGS KIM JONG UN SAID TO HIS BARBER
10. “Trim Jong-Un!”
9. “Make it a shape that will deflect enemy radar”
8. “Do a nice job or my wild dogs will eat you.”   (SFX – wild dogs eating Kim Jong Un’s uncle . . . or cousin . .  or both)
7. “You’ll need scissors and a level.
6. “You know, I’m also the King of Prussia”
5. “When you have ears like this, you gotta show ‘em off”
4. “What do you think, frost my tips?”
3. “Make it look like an accident”
2. “You’re sure this is the cut Macklemore gets”
1. “Gotta look pretty.  I’m seeing Rodman tonight.”
 
 
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Join us tomorrow as Dave welcomes Ryan Reynolds, J.B. Smoove, and Dierks Bentley.   When we come back, a look at fun new ink colors for your seismograph.”
 
ACT 6:
ERIC RIPERT
The four-star chef and co-owner of one of the world’s finest of restaurants, Le Bernardin at 155 West 51st, right around the corner.   I think he’s more than a chef, but for simplicity (for me) I’ll just refer to the great Ripert as “Chef”
So, how does one’s restaurant get a 4-star rating from the New York Times, and keep the 4-star rating for two decades?   Well, you gotta serve good food is one way.    Chef Ripert recalls the New York Times food critic coming to his restaurant 8 times to judge.  And that’s the times he caught her.    The critic claimed she visited 12 times . . . . for work, of course.  Not a bad gig being a food critic.   You can go to Le Bernardin 12 times and have the New York Times pay for it.
 
Tonight on the stove, Chef Ripert prepared Iranian Osetra Caviar Nestled in Linguine with Warm Sea Urchin Sauce.
While cooking and preparing, Dave asked about Ripert’s adventures to Australia for his TV program, “Avec Eric.”  Dave wondered if he ever tried kangaroo meat.   Ripert said he did.   Longtime David Letterman fans were jumping out of their seats.  They knew, or should have known, what was coming next.   Dave says he’s tried kangaroo.   Only problem was, it kept hopping off the plate.  Hey-Ohhh!  Did you guess it?
 
Eric Ripert – see him on the Cooking Channel on “Avec Eric,” Saturday nights at 9:30.
 
And see him slinging hash at Le Bernardin.   It’s a nice joint.
 
ACT 7:
GLASS ANIMALS
From their debut album, “Zaba,” the band from Oxford, England performed “Gooey”
 
And that was our show for Wednesday February 25, 2015.
 
In case you’re wondering, the perfume in Small Town News that also appeals to cows – it’s called Farmer’s cologne and goes for $110 a bottle
 
Some Dave lines I’ve been collecting.   For what, I’m not sure.
“Morale here has never been worse” – during Campaign 2000 – 8/24/00 #1462
“This place is run like an amateur whore house” – ACT 3 – 8/25/00 #1463
“Now I gotta take a leak” – (fish in chroma) 2/06/01 #1551
“Blood to parts of my body I have no control over” – to Julia Roberts 2/19/01 #1560
“You got a problem with me?” – ACT 3 – 3/01/01 #1568
“You have a problem with me?” –ACT 1 - 3/02/01 #1569
“If you don’t like it, watch something else” – ACT 1 3/30/01 #1580
“Free balloons for the kids, and plenty of parking” – ACT 2 – 3/30/01 #1580
 
 
Stuff like this always makes me scratch my head.   Syracuse University held an event to honor two of their greatest basketball players from the 70s, Roosevelt Bouie and Louis Orr.   They had their numbers retired in a ceremony at the Carrier Dome.   I remember these two guys because they big big really BIG when I was 30 miles south from Syracuse in Cortland at the time they played.  Coach Jim Boeheim was just getting started as head coach then, too.   Syracuse billed Roosevelt Bouie and Louis Orr as The Louis and Bouie Show.  That’s all you ever heard, The Louis and Bouie Show, The Louis and Bouie Show.   They enjoyed a record of 100-18 in their four years as starters for the Orangemen.   I have to admit, I became no fan of them because their praise was non-stop.  Always on the news was The Louis and Bouie Show.   But now, yeah, good for them.  It’s a well-deserved honor. They deserve the plaudits.   So there they were last weekend at the Carrier Dome, packed with 30,000 adoring fans.   Their basketball jerseys were presented, #50 to Roosevelt Bouie; #55 to Louis Orr.   And there, in front of the 30,000 for all to see . . . Roosevelt Bouie’s jersey, #50, with his name on the back: B O W I E.
Ouch!  Syracuse University misspelled the name of one of their greatest players.  Now believe me, I’m quick to forgive any typos, especially when a person claims to not proofread.  And in this case I’m willing to forgive the guy who first penciled in the name “Bowie” instead of “Bouie.”   But from the time the order was made for the Roosevelt Bouie jersey, to the time it was presented to him at center court, NOBODY noticed the misspelling?    How many hands did this jersey go through before it got to center court?
Oh, well.  I feel terrible for someone, but don’t quite get it.  I was talking to someone who is familiar with the team and their history. To Roosevelt Bouie’s credit, he laughed it off and said it was no big deal.   But there is someone . . .  man, that’s painful just to think about.
 
Oh, yeah, almost forgot.  The Carrier Dome, where Syracuse plays its football games and big basketball games, is named for Carrier; a Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning manufacturer.  
The Carrier Dome is not air conditioned.
 
Sad.   From my office window I can see the slow destruction of the famed “Roseland Ballroom.”  They’ve been working at it from the inside for a few months.    Today, the roof is coming down.   There seems to be about ten huge panels at a 45 degree angle across the roof.  One by one they are being collapsed.   Four are down already.  Now two guys are chopping away at the snow and ice to make a groove from the peak to the eave.   I’m tempted to stay here and watch what they do next to bring down the next panel.  But I’m tempted more to go outside as if I have something to do and leave early for the day.
 
I’ve been told the jackhammering on Roseland will begin mid-May
 
Sweeps are over.   Upcoming previously-viewed programs.
THURSDAY: From 2/04/15 #4155 – Ryan Reynolds, JB Smoove, and Dierks Bentley.  Plus: New Books.
FRIDAY: From 2/02/15 #4153 – Jack Hanna, and Sharon Jones.  Plus: Todd at the Super Bowl.
MONDAY: From 2/09/15 #4158 – Steve Carell; Adam Silver, and Hundred Waters
TUESDAY: From 2/12/15 #4161 – Tom Hanks, and Sturgill Simpson
WEDNESDAY: From 1/30/15 #4152 – Aziz Ansari, Brian Kiley, and Ben Howard.
THURSDAY: From 2/18/15 #4165 – Will Smith, and Grizfolk.
FRIDAY: From 2/02/15 #4154 – Dr. Phil, Robin Tunney, and Diana Krall
 
Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.  
 
Something new for the old:
CAMEO MENTION OF AN AFL NEWSGROUP ORIGINAL
Pepsi 46/Kate
This concludes the debut of a Cameo Mention of an AFL Original.
 
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Alabama’s Vestavia Hills Police Department, it’s Bubba Owens.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
 
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com

Tonight's Guests

Aziz Ansari
Brian Kiley
Ben Howard

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Thursday, February 26
4 stars, but how many Heimlichs for Eric Ripert?
Tuesday, February 24
Ellie Kemper toasts Dave and Paul.
Monday, February 23
Dave learns that you never upstage a Dame.
Saturday, February 21
Dave sends a hydrogen bubble up in flames with Kid Scientists.
Thursday, February 19
Dave re-enacts his search for a missing piece of steak.