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Monday, November 24, 2014 Todd the cue card guy sings for a safe Thanksgiving.

Show #4125

Seth Rogen, Amy Sedaris, and Sam Hunt.  
PLUS: our diminishing gravy reserve; Todd with a PSA; Chuck Hagel resigns; Amazon’s new delivery system; something new on ABC; and a Top Ten list.
 
“ . . . and now, shaky-handed photographer . . . . . . .  David Letterman!”
 
ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-“Thanksgiving . . . I’ll be visiting the relatives.   I asked, ‘What should I bring?’   They said, ‘Your checkbook.’”
 
Are you aware of this?  There’s a turkey shortage.   OK, I guess that can be possible.  But now there’s a report of a gravy shortage.  Yup, apparently the keystone pipeline sprang a leak.  We take a look at what resulted from the ruptured gravy pipeline.
ART CARD: STRATEGIC GRAVY RESERVE SUFFERS CATASTROPHIC LEAK
It’s a raging river of brown water, but we’re pretending it’s gravy.
DAVE: "Turkey deep fryer safety instructions: When deep frying a turkey, oil is heated to temperatures of 350 degrees Fahrenheit or more. Cooking oil is combustible.  (Dave confused)  What . . . what the heck? Todd, what is this?
CUE CARD TODD: “Oh, this.  Dave, I figured I’d share this Public Safety Announcement to all our viewers.”
Todd then turns to another camera and speaks to the home viewer.
TODD: (with soft piano music from Paul) "Every Thanksgiving, dozens of people are severely injured by exploding turkey deep fryers. Don't become a statistic."   He then sings: "The more you know."
Apparently that’s supposed to be a familiar jingle.
 
Our Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, has resigned; stepping down from his position amid criticism of the President’s National Security Team on a series of global issues.    Dave saw this interesting announcement from the U.S. Department of Defense.   We watch and listen. 
ANNOUNCE: “Earlier today, Chuck Hagel stepped down from his position of Secretary of Defense. We thank him for his hard work, dedication and . . ."
NEW ANNOUNCE: (loud, As-Seen-On TV type of promo announce: ". . . these crazy deals at the Department of Defense Gift Shop!   All Chuck Hagel merchandise must go! T-shirts! Lunch boxes! Shot glasses! Oven mitts! Corn cob holders! Snow globes! Action figures! Trivets! And more! It's all happening at the Department of Defense Gift Shop, just off Route 5 in Virginia. We're classified as ‘Top Savings!’"
 
Exciting news from the world of online commerce.  Amazon.com is experimenting with delivering packages via taxi.    We take a look at this announcement.
ANNOUNCE; "Amazon.com is excited to announce that we now deliver by taxi.  Why wait around for once-a-day delivery by traditional shipping companies when you can have your items delivered at any hour of the day by a professional, fully-licensed driver from your local taxi company?"
See clips of an out-of-control taxi careening through the streets of Manhattan and about Central Park.
ANNOUNCE: "Amazon. More than just a river."
 
That got laughs and applause, much more so than my announcing in the Chuck Hagel piece.  Damn.
 
Any Charles Manson fans out there?  He’s getting married.    80 years old . . . marrying a 26 year old.    And sure enough, someone is already working to take advantage of the situation.     If there’s money to be made, someone will jump on the opportunity.   We take a look at the ABC network is up to.
ANNOUNCE: "Coming soon to ABC, it's ‘Manson with the Stars!’”
We see Charlie doing some kind of dance, probably popular in the 60s in an LSD craze.
ANNOUNCE: "Only on ABC."
 
ACT 2:
Everyone is in a great mood this week.  No, not because of Thanksgiving, but because of the short work week.    Most of us are working 3 days tops this week.    If the President wants to improve his approval rating, he should cut the work week down to 3 days.
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE APPLICATION TO BECOME SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
10. Do you know Kung Fu?
9. What sound does an F-35 make?
8. Best time for the NSA to wiretap you?
7. What quagmire do you see yourself in in five years?
6. Would you run for mayor of Indianapolis?
5. Desired salary, not including Halliburton kickbacks?
4. If you could only defend forty-five states -- which would you let go?
3. Are you willing to obtain a commercial trucking license?
2. Have you ever had an undersecretary, if you know what I mean?
1. Do you mind being linked to the Obama Administration?
 
SETH ROGEN
The newly married Mr. Rogen has grown a full beard.    You’re able to do that once you’re married.    The hunting game is over.     You don’t have to work to impress anymore.    What’s does he and his wife do for fun now that they’re married?    Seth says they’ve drifted into watching bad reality shows on TV.   That’s redundant . . . bad reality shows . . . and Seth is a bit embarrassed to admit that he found himself tearing up while watching a child chef show.    He can’t explain why, but he felt terribly bad for these kids who were working so hard to please and were getting yelled at.   Seth’s wife found great humor in her weeping husband.    Dave says he saw a reality show where there was a fight in the car and the old man through his son out onto the interstate.   Show of hands . .  . . how many have lived that reality show scenario?
 
We first got to know Seth Rogen from the TV show, “Freaks and Geeks.”    I’m familiar with the show, but never seen it.    I think I’ll try to get my girls to waste their vacation and watch the entire series on the Netflix, if they have it.   Also in “F&G” was James Franco.  Seth and Franco have become fast friends.  So close are they that they’ve vacationed alone together for three weeks on a nude beach under the guise that they did it for TV.    Uh huh.   “Naked and Afraid” they’re pretending to call it.    It’s supposedly on the Discovery Channel on December 7th.   Seth considers James a bit weird, though not as weird people may think.   One odd thing about Franco is he’s 37 and still in school.   Hey, if I could I probably would have never left college either.  
 
Seth stars in and co-directed a new film, “The Interview.”     It centers around Seth and Franco procuring an interview with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.   It is their hope that the interview will propel them to legitimacy as TV producers and journalists.   Kim Jong Un, the real one, likened the film as an act of war.   He wanted the movie shut down and to never be shown.    Seth says as a comedian that’s pretty much exactly what you’re going for.    Can you ask for anything better than having an evil dictator wanting your movie shut down?
 
“The Interview” – it opens on Christmas Day.  Go see it right after having Chinese.
 
ACT 4:
AMY SEDARIS
The always entertaining Miss Sedaris has her Adult Swim program, “The Heart, She Holler,” premiering its 3rd season on December 1st.     Tonight, Amy is wearing a festive polka-dotted dress with some very fashionable red heels.    She says the shoes are from the Sarah Jessica Parker line.   Amy is very happy with them.  Dave surmises that Amy must get them for free, her being a celebrity and all.   She denies any such perk.   “Full price” she announces!  
Dave and Amy start talking about quilts and fabric and stuff, which directs Amy to spout a store called, “Fishs Eddy.”  The only Fishs Eddy I know is an exit along Route 17 on my to-and-froms from SUNY Cortland back in the last century.    Hey, I just looked it up.   Fishs Eddy, the Gramercy Park store here in the city, got its name from the Fishs Eddy along Route 17, exit 89.  DING!
Dave goes for advice from Amy about getting a second dog.  Dave is considering getting another dog to go along with Sully, but he’s very concerned that the two won’t get along.    Amy tells Dave to be careful and keep an eye on Sully if he begins to stutter.  That may be an indication that Sully isn’t taking to the new dog in the house.
 
Amy’s show, “The Heart, She Holler” has her looking “the ugliest I’ve ever looked.”    We take a look at Amy in her “The Heart, She Holler” character.  Oh, yeah, I think she’s right about the self-critique.    It’s a peculiar show.  Amy loves it for many reasons, but I sense she’s most pleased that each episode is only 15 minutes long . . . but it is nightly.    Check it out again starting out this Monday, December 1st at 12:30 AM . . . or would that be Tuesday?    Hmm, check your local listings.
 
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Get back here tomorrow for Dave and Emily Blunt, author Adam Resnick, and Wu-Tang Clan.    One good thing about hell; they probably don’t have fire drills.”
 
ACT 7:
SAM HUFF
From his debut album, “Montevallo,” the country singer performed “Take Your Time.”
 
And that was our show for Monday November 24, 2014. 
 
I went to a garage sale on Sunday.   I went to waste some time before going to the liquor store which didn’t open till noon.    I like going to garage/tag/estate sales to look at other people’s junk.    And lo and behold but what did I see in the basement of this estate sale but . . .  . . Jarts!  Yeah, those dangerous, maiming, human-piercing lawn jarts . . . .  . .  . still in the box.   What a find.   I picked it up and lugged it around while I continued to browse.   I eyeballed the owner of the house and tried my best not to sound too eager when I asked, “How much?”    He gave it a quick look and said, “4 dollars.”   I didn’t even consider bargaining.   I clutched the Jarts up to my chest.   “Mine,” I said silently.    The lawn Jarts will be the perfect game on my next canoe trip in July with the guys from the Bronx.  What can go wrong?
Jarts . .  . . OK, so maybe it’s not quite like finding the Declaration of Independence behind a picture frame, but it was quite a score, and it was still in the box!   4 bucks.    Be right back . . . . I’m gonna go see what they go for on the ebay.
I’m back.  They have the new lawn Jarts with a rounded tip that can’t really injure anyone, but what fun is that?  I kept looking for the 1960s/1970s danger Jarts.  Couldn’t find any.  
Man, I can’t wait to show ‘em off to my friends!   I’m going to be invited to so many parties!
 
As always, shop Wednesday, travel Friday.
Oh, and don’t forget to watch the news on Wednesday night.  It’s the Annual “Heaviest Travel Day of the Year” report from the local port authority!
 
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s her birthday on the 25th, it’s Albertus Magnus grad Kathy Mulligan Hamre.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike
 

Tonight's Guests

Emily Blunt
Adam Resnick
Wu Tang Clan

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, November 24
Todd the cue card guy sings for a safe Thanksgiving.
Friday, November 21
I'm not a tailor and I didn't play one on TV.
Thursday, November 20
Dave approves a family of actors to attend Thanksgiving in his stead.
Wednesday, November 19
Dave and Regis turn to their friend Peter Lassally for conversation.
Wednesday, November 19
Dally and Spanky take a shortcut during Stupid Pet Tricks.