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Wednesday, February 20, 2013 Has Europe's horsemeat scandal affected Rupert's Hello Deli?
Show #3811
Hugh Jackman, Zosia Mamet, and The Americans.
PLUS: Oscar Fun Facts; corporate mergers; Dave in bangs; the new Pope selection process; Small Town News; and Rupert's views on the horsemeat scandal. " . . . and now, the star of ‘Eastenders' . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONLOGUE

-"Cold today. 28 and bitter. Like Lindsay Lohan."
-"The Pope is quitting, thought he says he'll still fax in jokes." Dave laughs and says "That doesn't mean anything." Devoted followers laughed as well.

The Academy Awards are this Sunday, so what better time than now . . . other than Sunday . . . for something we call, "Oscar Fun Facts."
ANNOUNCE: "The distinctive Oscar statuette commemorates early Hollywood prop fabricator Oscar Harrison who died tragically in 1927 when he fell into a vat of molten brass."
We see Mr. Harrison fall into a vat of molten brass.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been an 'Oscar Fun Fact.' See you Sunday night."

Dave says this is the first time in his 30 years on television that he's said "a vat of molten brass" in a joke. I quickly go through my mental rolodex and don't come up with anything. I decide not to check my database.

Dave later says the same following an Annie Oakley reference. THIS I decided to check. I found nothing, thought I sorta remember an Annie Oakley joke somewhere. Hold on a sec while I check somewhere else . . . . . . . . nope. I could check my Wahoos but that would chew up too much time. It'll be a project for Friday.

Did you hear about the merger between Office Depot and Office Max? Dave isn't sure if they thought this through entirely. Did you see what they are not calling themselves? We take a look at the first merged store.
It's now called "Office Office."
And how ‘bout the merger between U.S. Airways and American Airlines? Have you seen what they're calling themselves?
We take a look at one of their planes on a tarmac. They're now known as Airways Airlines.
It kinda reminds me of the short marriage between Christie Brinkley and Chris Christie.

Very inspirational is First Lady Michelle Obama. Due to a midlife crisis, she decided to change her look and go with a bangs cut. Dave decided the dame. We take a look at Dave in his bangs . . . hey, Moe!

Dave is suspicious about this new angle that is being taken to choose the new Pope. It seems a bit too commercialized. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "Pope Benedict is stepping down and the Catholic Church needs a new spiritual leader. Could it be you?"
UPBEAT ANNOUNCE: "Announcing Mountain Dew's Pope N' Win contest! Check the caps of specially-marked Mountain Dew bottles."
We cut to a young chap who looks under his Mountain Dew cap: "Hey, Mom. I won!!!"
We see the lad now in Pope garb.
ANNOUNCE: "Plus other great prizes, like a pool table and movie tickets. Visit mountaindew.com for complete contest rules. Women not eligible."

ACT 2:
It's Wednesday and you know what that means! It's time for Small Town News. (Wednesday doesn't really mean "Small Town News" but I was looking for a good "In".

"Bull Run Observer" - Manassas, Virginia: An engagement announcement: It's the "Long-Boney" engagement.

"The Province" - Vancouver, British Columbia: Headline reads, "Coke smuggler nabbed in SUV with 'SMUGLER' plate" DOH!

"The Baxter Bulletin" - Mountain Home, Arkansas: A story about an escaped animal - "'Ninja' donkey eludes the law"

"The Green Bay Press Gazette" - Green Bay, Wisconsin: From the police blotter: "A 34-year-old man was cited Monday for calling police 3 times to report he was unable to have a bowel movement."

"Sioux City Journal" - Sioux City, Iowa: "Subaru debuts all-new 36 mph 2012 Impreza"

"Wilmington Star News" - Wilmington, North Carolina: a classified ad: "Lost: Solid Gray Kitten, male, looks like a cat"

"Peterborough This Week" - Peterborough, Ontario: A Pet Supply Warehouse ad offering the following: "Natural Balance Ultra Premium Canned Cat"

"Millerton News" - Millerton, New York: "The rare blue moon appeared Friday, Aug. 31." It must have been a very very foggy night.

"Ponca City News" - Ponca City, Oklahoma: From the police blotter: "An employee at a laundry called Ponca City police to report an intoxicated man eating magazines."

"Chetek Alert" - Chetek, Wisconsin: From the police blotter - "Officer reports that he is out with a vehicle on trail. Reports three subjects were out there reading poetry and he advised the male subject to put his pants back on."

"The Wenatchee World" - Wenatchee, Washington: From the police blotter - "Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man. The victim asked, 'Why are you carrying a weasel?' Police said the attacker answered, 'It's not a weasel, it's a marten,' then punched him in the nose and fled.'" The final line in the article: "'A marten is a member of the weasel family.'"

And that's what's happening in some of the small towns in America.

ACT 3:
HUGH JACKMAN

The Best Actor Academy Award nominee for "Les Miserables" enters with a beard and Lincoln stovetop hat. He's hoping some of the late Oscar voters will think it was he who played Lincoln and not Daniel Day-Lewis. Hugh takes off the hat and the fake beard, keeping his real beard intact. Hugh challenges Daniel Day-Lewis: "Can he do this?" Hugh then sings "Four score and seven years ago." Dave asks Hugh how he managed to look so gaunt and sickly in his role as Jean ValJean? (I hope Hugh was going for that look.) He was tipped off that if he went 36 hours without liquids he would shrivel up. And it worked. Outside of the headaches and delusions and foul mood, it worked as hoped.
Dave was impressed with much of the singing in "Les Miserables" . . . but Russell Crowe? Hugh laughs and would never have anything bad to say about Russell Crowe. It was Russell who turned down the part of Wolverine in X-Men and suggested Hugh. Russell has done this many times through his career and Hugh knows he owes a great deal to him.
Hugh is the dad to a 12-year-old and Dave is curious what they do together. Dave's son is 9 and is looking for ideas. Hugh says he and his son climbed Mt. Fuji together. Ah, that brings back memories for me. I remember my dad and I watching Fuji on McHale's Navy.
Hugh Jackman – "Les Miserables" will be out on Blu-Ray on March 22nd.
Up for Best Actor:
Hugh – "Les Miserables"
Daniel Day-Lewis: "Lincoln"
Bradley Cooper: "Silver Linings Playbook"
Joaquin Phoenix: "The Master"
Denzel Washington: Flight"

ACT 4:
Have you been keeping up with the horsemeat scandal in Europe? Seems like some of the meat you've been eating may have been ridden first. We check in with Rupert to see if this news has affected his business.

After some small chit-chat, Dave delivers his cue line: "Has the European horsemeat scandal affected your business?
RUPERT: "No, because we no longer serve horsemeat."
Back to Dave.
DAVE: "Well, I'm very happy to hear that, Rupert. Thank you."
Back TO Rupert's. We see Mae lean in and whisper something to Rupert. Rupert updates:
RUPERT: " . . . except for the chili."
Fanfare from Paul and the band.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Drop by tomorrow as Dave welcomes Johnny Depp and Bill Carter, Bill Carter and The Blame, and Stupid Human Tricks. It's time for ‘Sound Effects Guy Freestyle.' "
We hear a bunch of odd sound effects. They continue even though Alan asks is to stop.
ANNOUNCE: "Okay, that's enough, thanks. That's enough! Stop!" It finally stops.
ANNOUNCE: "Back in a moment."

ACT 6:
ZOSIA MAMET

Zosia is in the hit HBO series, "Girls," now about to start its 3rd season. It's been rumored her character is about to be killed off. How did she hear about it? Zosia says she went to a small deli/grocery store. Two giggling girls came up to her and were all excited to meet her. They then asked if she was scared about being killed off. They had heard her days were numbered. Zosia called one of the writers to ask about it. He told her he'd get back to her. Dum-da-dum dum.
Zosia isn't much of a smiler. We see three photos of her at festive events but in none is she smiling. Dave says that at the turn of the last century smiling wasn't expected in photos. Then someone came up with the idea that smiling should come into play. But these photos were taken within the past few years . . . not in the 30s.
"Girls" – Sunday nights at 9:00 on the HBO.
You can also see Zosia in the new off-Broadway play "Really Really" now playing at the MCC Theater at The Lucille Lortel Theatre --- 121 Christopher St in New York City.

"Really Really" . . . It kinda reminds me of the short marriage between Christie Brinkley and Chris Christie.

ACT 7:
THE AMERICANS:

The Americans are featured among other artists on the new CD, "Son of Rogues Gallery: Pirate Ballads, Sea Songs, and Chanteys." Tonight, The Americans performed "Sweet and Low."

And that was our show for Wednesday, February 20, 2013.

I was going to pitch a joke about horsemeat being served in Europe. It would squeeze in the restaurant "Downton Arby's." Then I saw on the Google that Downton Arby's been done and around for a few years already. It should be known if you think you've come up with something new and fresh, it's likely to have been already done.

Hmmm, maybe I could come up with something like . . . . "The Belmont Steaks"

How about this sales pitch: "Hoof on over to the Ponderosa Steak House!"

I'd avoid any restaurant called "Mr. Ed's" for a while.

To the tune of "Mr. Ed": "A horse is a horse and not a main course."

Whoa! I have nothing today! Time's short. I have to hurry and go to the Thursday morning meeting where nothing is really discussed but is just a way to take attendance.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Brussels, Belgium, watching the Late Show on the Armed Forces Network, it's Rob Hunt.
And that concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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