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Thursday, February 21, 2013 Stagehand Pat Farmer drops in to promote his new show.
Show #3812
Johnny Depp, Stupid Human Tricks, and Bill Carter and The Blame.
PLUS: "Pat's House"; We Didn't See That Coming; a Live Report from the Red Carpet; Academy Awards Snubs; and Stupid Human Tricks.

" . . . and now, with a mix of sun and clouds . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "A KFC employee sculpted mashed potatoes into a woman's breasts . . . and then made love to it. He also got fresh with a bucket of thighs."

Hey, it's the cow that whinnies like a horse! I hope that's not what Tom Branson has done to the Downton farm.

Dave is then interrupted by one of those in-show promos that appear at the bottom of the TV screen. It's Pat Farmer promoting something called, "Pat's House."
DAVE: "What is . . . oh, look, it's Pat Farmer. Hey, Pat, what are you doing?"
PAT: "Hi, Dave. I'm promoting my new CBS show, 'Pat's House.'"
DAVE: "Uh huh"
PAT: "It's on Wednesdays at 9:30 P.M."
DAVE: "Right . . . OK."
PAT (looking around) "Someone toss me a rope."
A rope drops down from above, Pat grabs hold, and then he is quickly whisked away.
DAVE: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen."

Who's thirsty? We take a look. It appears as if Florida Senator Marco Rubio is thirsty. We see a clip of him reaching off to his left to steal a quick drink of water. Only the sharpest eye could detect it.

Time now for "We Didn't See That Coming."
ART CARD: WE DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING
We see a news anchor report the following: "A class action lawsuit has been filed against Carnival Cruise Lines . . ."
ART CARD: WE DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING

Can you stand the wait? We can't! The Academy Awards is this Sunday and we have an exclusive! We go LIVE to Hollywood for an up-to-the-minute report from the Red Carpet.
Unfortunately, the Red Carpet is still rolled up. Our view is merely a small round shot from inside the furled carpet. Oddly, the scene through the carpet looked as if it was in Manhattan. Was that a yellow cab?

And last but not least . . . or maybe it was the least . . . . . "Academy Awards Snubs Through History." Dave says that many think that Ben Affleck was snubbed this year for his work in "Argo." It's not the first time a deserved talent has been ignored.
ART CARD: ACADEMY AWARDS SNUBS THROUGH HISTORY
Announce: "Martin Sheen: 'Apocalypse Now.'" We see a clip.
Announce: "Spike Lee: 'Do the Right Thing.'" We see a clip.
Announce: "Serdar Kebabcilar: 'Turkish Rambo.'" We see a clip.
Announce: "This has been 'Academy Awards Snubs Through History.'"
ART CARD: ACADEMY AWARDS SNUBS THROUGH HISTORY

ACT 2:
It's Thursday so you know what that means . . . Stupid Human Tricks!

1. Michael Dubois from Brooklyn, New York, originally from Horseheads. Maybe the best thing about going to a New York SUNY college is you get to know someone from just about every town in the state. Horseheads? That's Scott Boyer! Horseheads is just north of Elmira, home of Tommy Hilfiger.
What will Michael Dubois do for us tonight? He will bounce a ball on his head. Wow! Cool! But he's not done. While bouncing the ball on his head, Michael will also jump rope. We watch. Timing is very important. The rope goes between Michael's head and the ball as it bounces up.

2. Ken Krakat and Chris Clark from Dearborn, Michigan in the Detroit area. Ken and Chris come with matching V-neck sweaters. Ken works at Krogers, the largest supermarket chain in the country. Chris is a wedding DJ. At weddings, Chris gets free drinks and sometimes a babe. And whose idea was the matching V-necks? Chris gives up Ken.
Tricks: K&C will produce a cotton candy toupee. There is a cotton candy machine on stage. Chris instructs bald-headed Ken to place his pate in the rotating barrel of the cotton candy maker. When Chris decides Ken has had enough, he calls for him to rise. And there atop Ken's head is a cotton candy toupee.
And what exactly was Chris's talent in all this? My guess is it was his machine.
Dave summarizes this trick as "The stupidest of the stupid." At least I think he was talking about the trick.

3. Colton Gammel from Houston, Texas -- Colton is a student at Cy Fair High School. I figured Dave would want to know who Cy Fair is so I looked it up. Cy Fair isn't anybody. It is two school districts: Cypress and Fairbanks. What can Colton do?
Trick: He can drink water really fast. Yawn. C'mon, is this really a trick? Colton shows the familiar 16.9 ounce plastic bottle of water, the same brand enjoyed by Senator Marco Rubio. How long will this take? Colton says "Less than a second." Hmmm, this just got my interest. If I had thought ahead I would have suggested we show a 1-second countdown clock. OK, we're ready . . . and Colton is ready . . . and the 16.9 ounces of water is gone in less than a second. WHOA! How did he . . .. Let's see that again in slow motion. We see Colton put the bottle up to his lips and crush the plastic container to force out the water. That part is understandable, but how does he get it down his throat? Well, that's the trick. Very impressive. If he plays his cards right, Colton will never have to pay for a beer in college.

ACT 3:
JOHNNY DEPP
His films have earned nearly $8 billion!
Johnny always pictured himself becoming a musician rather than an actor. He was hoping to be a great guitar player and never really thought about acting. When rent and bills started to fall in his lap, Johnny decided to go into something more stable . . . like acting. His band, The Kids, moved out to Los Angeles. When his hunger pains became too loud, his buddy Nicolas Cage hooked him up with an agent and Johnny was soon in "Nightmare on Elm Street." And it's just that easy!
Johnny's next film is "The Lone Ranger," Johnny playing Tonto. We see some photos of Johnny as Tonto. Dave says it looks like Johnny knows what he is doing on a horse. Johnny matter-of-factly says, "I don't." Riding went pretty well up to a point. Johnny's horse had no plans on slowing down when Johnny "requested" the horse to slow down. Being Tonto, Johnny was riding basically bareback. Johnny was tossed and saw hooves coming towards him. Thankfully, the horse knew enough to avoid Johnny.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "It's looking good for tomorrow, with Dave's guests Luke Wilson, comedian Dan Mintz, and Imagine Dragons. If your television could talk, it would beg you to tune in to this show. If my television could talk, it would beg me to put on some clothes. Well, I'm sick of pleasing everyone but myself."

ACT 6:
JOHNNY DEPP AND BILL CARTER
Johnny is also involved with publishing and is excited about the Woody Guthrie lost novel entitled, "House of Earth" about life during the Dust Bowl.
Johnny met Bill Carter around the time Johnny was just starting out in the movie business and they have been close ever since. They formed a band called "P". What did "P" stand for? Johnny says, "The letter in the alphabet." "P" recorded one album in 1995 but the band disbanded when Johnny's acting career took off. Depp and Carter have collaborated many times since and Carter has formed a new band, "Bill Carter and The Blame." The Blame is made up of whoever happens to be playing with him at the time.

ACT 7:
BILL CARTER AND THE BLAME: from their new CD, "Unknown," Bill Carter and The Blame, along with special guest Johnny Depp, performed "Anything Made From Paper."

And that was our show for Thursday February 21, 2013.

Dave's reaction to the Pat Farmer promo of "Pat's House" . . . he said "That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen." Hmm. Let me see if I can find something . . . be right back.
Ahh, I think I found it. From September 23, 1998 during New Fall Shows we did something called, "Biffy the Umpire Layer," a spoof on "Buffy The Vampire Slayer." From what I remember it ends with Biff in bed with a baseball umpire. In that Wahoo . . this was so long ago that the Wahoo was still in black and white . . . . in that Wahoo I wrote regarding "Biffy The Vampire Slayer" the following: "The Late Show judges deemed this the worst joke ever seen on the show."
Former Late Show writer Jeff Boggs wrote that piece. Note the "former". Last I heard, Jeff was the executive producer of the TV movie, "Make Your Mark: Shake It Up Dance Off." Yup, Jeff hasn't lost a step.
Jeff . . . he always made me laugh.

Did the cotton candy toupee guys look familiar? They should. They were here in 2008 with a Stupid Human Trick. How I kinda recapped their trick from '08:
SHT #2: Chris Clark from West Bloomfield, Michigan and Ken Krakat from Dearborn Heights, Michigan. Ken works as a courtesy clerk for Krogers.
Trick: Ken will ride a vertical, 3-wheeled unicycle/tricycle with a fork in his mouth.
Chris will throw him an apple. Ken will spear the apple with the fork.
Ken gets up on the three-wheel unicycle (?) and can barely stay up. I suspect this is just for "show-biz" to add to the excitement. Ken claps to signal Chris to toss the apple. Chris tosses the apple and Ken spears the fruit.
My guess: Ken works the night shift at Krogers and this is what he does from 3:00 AM to 4:00. Ken and Chris sure seem like a couple of fun guys!

The drinking of water trick . . . Back in college I could drink a beer pretty good. I would be challenged now and then I would win a good deal more than I would lose. I never liked racing beers . . . kids' stuff . . . never wanting drinking to be a competition but something to be savored and enjoyed. So this one night at the Dark Horse in Cortland I received a request to participate in a mug challenge. I reluctantly agreed merely for the entertainment of it. We got our mugs filled. We stood tall at the bar, beer mugs resting on the mahogany. We waited for the "3, 2, 1, GO!" And before I could get my mug to my mug, his beer was gone. Shocked, I looked over his shoulder to see who got the beer in their face. No one was wet, no one angry. He indeed downed the full beer. I was fascinated, though with no desire to learning how to do it myself. Back then I drank fast enough to keep just on the good side of trouble. Learning this trick could prove fatal. He told me he opens up his throat and the beer goes straight to the belly, no swallowing needed. It's a pure dump without a swallow. I nodded and gave him my still-untouched mug of beer as impressed thanks.

Ben Affleck snubbed? Perhaps, but I have a feeling the Academy is still punishing him for "Gigli."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's her birthday today, it's Ramapo High School alum MaryEllen Mulligan Sutton
And that concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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