Sign In to CBS
With Social Account
With Email
Don't have an account? Create one for FREE!
Sign Up
Search By Date
M T W Th F
Saturday, February 23, 2013 Is there nothing the Chinese hackers won't hack?
Show #3813
Luke Wilson, Dan Mintz, and Imagine Dragons.
PLUS: Academy Awards Snubs; Chinese Hackers; Pope Springs; Tony Mendez's New Show; a Top Ten List; and a Lady with Meteor Fragments That Look Like Celebrities.

" . . . and now, the father of our country . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
- "The Academy Awards are this Sunday. It takes a lot of nerve for a four-hour show to give an award for editing."
- "Tough categories this year. "Lincoln" is up against the Pope for Best Big Hat."

The Academy Awards are this Sunday and we've been looking at people who have been snubbed over the years in a piece called, "Academy Awards Snubs Throughout History."
ANNOUNCE: "Humphrey Bogart, 'Casablanca.'
Mia Farrow, 'Rosemary's Baby.'
Cyneyt Arkin, 'Turkish Star Wars.'
This has been 'Academy Awards Snubs Throughout History.'"

These Chinese hackers have gone nuts. First, they hacked the New York Times. Then they hacked Apple. Now Dave says they've gone too far. We take a look at what happened earlier today right here in our building.
We see a staffer . . . I'll call him Mike Leach . . . we see "Mike Leach" putting a bag of popcorn into the microwave. He presses the buttons and waits. When time is up he reaches into the microwave for his popcorn . . . . which is now in a Chinese take-out carton! Mike Leach cries out: "Nooooooooooo!"
Dave is not happy about it either. He can only snarl, "Those bastards."

The Academy Awards are this weekend but there's a new movie that's already attracting buzz for next year. We take a look at the trailer.
We see scenes from the Meryl Streep/Tommy Lee Jones "Hopes Springs."
ANNOUNCER: "Sometimes your relationship needs a kick start."
MERYL: "I need a real marriage again."
MERYL'S FRIEND: "For that to happen, you would have to risk everything just to shake things up."
STEVE CARREL AS MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: "It's not impossible and it's not too late."
ANNOUNCER: "Something that takes you out of your comfort zone."
MERYL: "I'm so glad you're here."
Camera widens to find Meryl in Carrel's office sitting on the couch . . . . with the Pope.
POPE: "That makes one of us."
ANNOUNCER: "'Pope Springs' . . . it's time for this Pope to get this second calling."
GRAPHIC: "Coming soon"

The Pope has announced that he would be resigning at the end of the month. Who will replace him? That question is still to be answered, but we do have someone who will NOT be elected Pope. We take a look.
We see a guy bopping himself over and over again on the head with a plastic bat.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'People Who Won't Be Elected Pope."

And we saw some more of the cow neighing like a horse.

Dave opened the monologue with some Odd Dave stuff for my files . . . he twisted himself into a pretzel-like headlock. Hey, it's his show. He can do whatever he wants.

ACT 2:
It's exciting to have a TV show, but it's also very satisfying to see those who work around you being recruited, offered, and excelling in their own projects. Yesterday we learned of Pat Farmer's "Pat's House," and now it's Cue Card master Tony Mendez with a show. Dave asks Tony about it.
TONY: "It's called 'Delis, Food Carts, and Pizza Joints.' It's a show where I travel around New York City sampling various foods. I brought a clip!"
We watch.
We find Tony in a car.
TONY: "I'm Tony Mendez and we're rolling out, looking for New York's greatest delis, food carts, and pizza joints."
Tony drives off and then we find him inside a pizza parlor.
TONY: "Today I'm at Famous Amadeus Pizzeria in New York City where my buddy, Sal, is going to let me try a slice of his famous Meat-rific Pizza! My mouth is watering just thinking about it. What's on the pizza, Sal?"
SAL (behind the counter) "Pepperoni, sausage, meatba . . ."
TONY: "Sounds delicious!"
Tony quickly starts eating the pizza. When he finishes, he gushes to Sal.
TONY: "Thanks, Sal! That was very tasty. I'll see you around."
Tony begins to leave.
SAL: "Wait a minute . . . you didn't pay for that!!"
TONY: "But I'm on a TV show!"
SAL (grabbing Tony's arm) "Hey, pay for that slice before I kick your ass."
Tony grabs a nearby bottle and cracks it over Sal's head. Sal falls to the ground as if it was a real bottle and was really hurt.
Tony quickly turns to the other diners in the pizzeria.
TONY: "You didn't see nuthin'!"
Tony runs away.
We see the closing credits. That's me as a hot dog vendor in the still-shots. Knowing I would be a hot dog vendor today, I dressed in my weekend clothes for the part. When I went to wardrobe for an apron, Sue Hum told me, "Oh, we have to get you better clothes than that."
By "better" she meant "nicer."

TOP TEN: QUESTIONS ON THE ACADEMY AWARDS SEAT FILLER APPLICATION - When someone in the audience at the Academy Awards gets up from their seat for any reason, a hired seat-filler quickly runs to occupy the seat. We can't think that there might be an empty seat during the show. The network doesn't want to take that as a cue for us at home.
10. Do you have any prior experience sitting?
9. Any botox allergies?
4. Where do you see yourself sitting in 5 years?

ACT 3:
Luke is thrilled to be here, mainly because this is the place that brought the sneezing monkey to the American people. He likens it to a 100 mph fastball. You can go to it anytime you need it. We take a look at the sneezing monkey. Dave explains we got the shot by pure luck. The camera guy saw a rat running around his feet and became distracted. When the ball was hit, he didn't know where it was so the camera guy kept the shot on the batter, Carlton Fisk. We then see Carlton waving the ball . . . . . . hold it . . wait . . . . no, I'm wrong. I'm thinking of cameraman Lou Gerard at Fenway Park in Game 6 of the 1975 World Series. My bad. We got the sneezing monkey shot by accident when we had left the camera running on the monkey between takes. With the camera running, the monkey sneezed and it was captured forever. I think National Geographic has requested the footage. Luke is surprised the sneeze happened here. He thought it was in a doctor's office or something. I can understand his misunderstanding. If a monkey was in a doctor's office you might expect him to sneeze.
Luke likes to babysit his nephews, sons of this brothers Owen and Andrew. Luke would hang with friends and bro Andrew to look after Andrew's son. Yeah, it usually takes a team of guys to watch one kid. The guys wouldn't censor their talk and the swear words would flow rather easily. This wasn't good in front of a child. The guys couldn't help themselves. Eventually, Andrew sat his 5-year-old son down and told him not to repeat the bad words he's been hearing. Wise boy. He would no longer repeat the bad words he heard around the house, instead substituting "Dirty" for "givl" and "djoy." If he stubbed his toe, he would growl, "Dirty!"
This reminded me of an episode of "The Bill Cosby Show," starring Bill Cosby as gym teacher Chet Kincaid. His basketball team was getting technicaled for their bawdy language. He had them use other words instead of swearing. One word I remember was "Peanut brittle!" I think so, anyway. It was in 1969. Maybe the word was "Pumpernickel!"

Luke Wilson - you can see him on "Enlightened," now in its 2nd season on the HBO, Sundays at 9:30 PM.

ACT 4:
A meteor exploded over Russia's Ural Mountains and has set off a rush to find fragments of the space rock. With us tonight with her collection of meteor rocks is Laura Ehrlich. Enter Laura Ehrlich.
DAVE: "Thanks for joining us. Now you were over there in Russia when the meteor exploded?"
LAURA EHRLICH: "No, friends of mine at the University were traveling and they brought some back."
DAVE: "And you discovered some fragments of the meteor . . . . resembled celebrities, is that right? Can we take a look?"
LAURA: "Sure." Laura takes out her first meteor fragment.
LAURA: "This first fragment looks like Christopher Plummer." Dave holds the rock up to the camera. We take a look at a split-screen of the fragment and Christopher Plummer. I'm not sure I see it.
LAURA: "This next one looks like Tom Selleck."
Dave holds the rock up for a split screen of the rock and Selleck.
LAURA: "Actually, you have it upside down."
Dave turns the rock right-side up. The likeness is questionable at best.
LAURA: "And this is Tom Selleck without his mustache."
Split-screen of the rock and skin-lipped Tom.
DAVE: "I'm not really sure I'm seeing the face, Laura . . . "
LAURA: "You'd be surprised how many people say that."
DAVE: "You know, we don't have a lot of time, so we need to wrap it up."
LAURA: "One more . . . . Alan Arkin."
She hands the rock to Dave who holds it up on the desk for a split-screen. This one DOES look a bit like Alan Arkin. How about that?
DAVE: "Well, Laura, it's been interesting having you here. You certainly seem to know a lot about meteors. What do you do for a living?"
LAURA: "I'm a day manager at a Carvel."
DAVE: "Laura Ehrlich, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back."

ACT 5:
"Unless we get hit by a space rock, we'll be back Monday with Alec Baldwin, and Emmylou Harris with Rodney Crowell."
We cut to Alan who is fanning a wad of one-dollar bills.
ALAN: "Yeah, I guess Big Red's doing all right for himself."
Alan smugly looks at his money.
I wonder what Alan will do with all those singles?

ACT 6:
He's the voice of Tina on "Bob's Burgers" on FOX Sunday nights. Joining us for the first time, his stand-up involved his being an only child, batteries, his e-mail password, and life with wife.

ACT 7:
>From their debut CD, "Night Visions," the Las Vegas band performed "Radioactive."

And that was our show for Friday February 22, 2013.

I know, I know . . . Laura Ehrlich? Wasn't that Rita Buttgas?

Time for my Academy Awards picks for the Office Pool. I should do better than usual because I've seen two movies this year instead of my usual none.
Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway - in "Les Miserables" - she had to get a real short haircut for the part.
Supporting Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman - "The Master" - because I liked him in a small wrestling movie a while back.
Actress: Jennifer Lawrence - "Silver Linings Playbook" - because I saw this movie.
Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis - "Lincoln" - c'mon, it's Lincoln.
Director: Spielberg - c'mon, it's Spielberg
Best Picture: I know near nothing about movies. All I know is from the clips I see here on the show. To separate myself from the rest of the crowd in the office pool, I have to go for a big upset in the biggest category.
What film will win? It all depends on what the voters voted. If they voted when "Lincoln" just came out, they voted for "Lincoln. " But "Lincoln" seems to have lost a bit of steam. "Argo" was hot for a while but that died down a bit, too. Plus, Ben Affleck was not nominated for Director so you rarely win one without being nominated for the other. And now "Silver Linings Playbook" is the hot ticket. I think Argo and Dark Thirty will split the vote, hurting their chances. I'm leaning toward "Lincoln" because the Academy is enamored with Spielberg.
Dammit, I'm going with "Argo." It's won every time leading up to the Academy Awards. NO! NO! I'm going for the long long shot of "Les Miserables." Picking some Shakespeare movie over "Saving Private Ryan" a bunch of years ago won me the office pool. I'm going to do the same this year. Plus, if I'm right with "Argo" I'm just one in a million and will soon be forgotten. If I'm right with "Les Miserables," Nikki Finke will want to interview me.
It's "Les Miserables."

I think I just lost 10 bucks.

A follow-up to Wednesday's Wahoo Gazette: I searched my Wahoos and found no mention of Annie Oakley. Wednesday may have been the first time he used Annie Oakley as a reference in a joke, just as he said.

It would have been his 58th birthday today. You are missed by many . . . Bob Scheibling
And that concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.