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Tuesday, February 26, 2013 Holy smoke! Pope Benedict's hat gives a preview of his farewell festivities.
Show #3815
Joan Rivers, Jimmie Johnson, and Kendrick Lamar.
PLUS: The Sequester; The Official VP Portrait; Dave's Root Canal; the Sound Effects Guy; a Top Ten List; and Ask the Papal Mitre.

" . . . and now, finally getting the hang of it . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
- "The Pope is retiring. Did you know he doesn't make a salary? That must drive his wife nuts!"

The official Joe Biden Vice President portrait was released today. Remember Dick Cheney's portrait? We take a look at a sneering Dick Cheney . . . with eyes that follow you.

What's all this talk about "sequester"? We know it's about money, or the lack of it. If the sequester happens on Friday, the government will be looking at some serious cuts in services. We've prepared a segment entitled, "Get To Know The Sequester."
ANNOUNCE: "Pre-sequester: Lincoln Memorial." We see the majestic Lincoln Memorial.
ANNOUNCE: "Post-sequester: Lincoln's statue is laid off." We see Abraham get up and walk off.
ANNOUNCE: "'Get to Know the Sequester.' "

Lincoln walking off the Memorial was prepared years ago. I was asked to find it. It was prepared the week of August 30, 2010 for a piece about the Glenn Beck Rally in D.C. We didn't use it for that, but we did use it a month later on September 28, 2010.

Wahoo 9/28/10: "Rahm Emanuel is said to be leaving the White House to run for Mayor of Chicago. He's not the only one leaving. There seems to be a slew of others. We take a look and see Abraham Lincoln standing up and vacating his seat at the Lincoln Memorial."

ACT 2:
The root canal . . . every have it? Ever have the dreaded root canal? Dave has. He had one about a decade ago . . . . which probably means 20 years ago. I've learned at my age if you think it's ten, it's twenty. Dave had a root canal 10 years ago and it went fine. He had another one last night and much to his surprise, it was even better than the first. It was fast, painless, fun, and easy. He went to the endodontist, as opposed to a periodontist. The difference? I imagine if you knew Latin you may be able to figure out using the root words endo and perio. Periodontists deals with issues around the teeth. Endodontists deal with issues inside the teeth.
Dave describes the endodontist visit and re-enacts his receiving a needle to the gum and tooth. (Odd Dave for my files.) The dentist poked the needle inside Dave's mouth, lined it up just right, and the . . . and then . . . the building's fire alarm went off. The loud sudden blare of the alarm startled the doctor, causing him to jump . . . needled still in hand. The dentist missed the target and instead shot the pain killer into Dave's brain stem. I smell a lawsuit, except for that Dave made up the story. Not the root canal part, but I think he made up the part about the fire alarm. I had the same concern when I got my eyes lasered. I was afraid the eye doctor would become startled over something or perhaps be allergic to my hair tonic and go into a sneezing fit.

Dave turns and throws a blue card through the skyline behind him. Hey, what happened to the glass-crash? No SFX? Uh, oh, somebody was asleep at the switch. Dave checks in on our SFX guy, Gary Kiffel.
DAVE: "Gary, are you there?"
GARY: sfx - Ding.
DAVE: "Is everything OK?"
GARY: sfx - Buzz
DAVE: "I'm sorry to hear that. Problems at home?"
GARY: sfx - Ding
DAVE: "Problem with the wife?"
GARY: sfx - Ding
DAVE: "What seems to be the problem?"
GARY: sfx - downward slide whistle
DAVE: "Oh, been there done that. Sorry to hear that. Maybe you should get out more. Are you doing anything fun tonight after work?"
GARY: sfx - chicken clucking.
DAVE: "You're going to a poultry farm?"
GARY: sfx - Buzz.
DAVE: "Did you just hit the wrong button?"
GARY: sfx - Ding
DAVE: "So, what are you doing tonight?"
GARY: sfx - sting from "Law and Order."
DAVE: "'Law and Order' rerun?"
GARY: sfx - Ding
DAVE: "All right, enjoy it. And just so you know, I think you're a valuable member of the team. You have a job here as long as you want."
GARY: sfx - wild sustained applause and cheering
DAVE: "You're being sarcastic, right?"
GARY: sfx - Ding.
Dave is done with Gary and throws to commercial.
We'll be hearing about this from Gary now until the Christmas party.

ACT 3:
- Secretary of State John Kerry invented a new country the other day ---- Kyrzakhstan - - - - during a speech praising the work of United States diplomats.
10. Portuguam
9. Galifiankistan
8. Uncle Artica
7. Costa Regis
6. Equatorial Vinnie
5. Guayaguay
4. Greece 2
3. Belize Navidad
2. Bangjohntesh
1. Cameroon Diaz

Guilty pleasure! Guilty pleasure! I like the Joan Rivers. I always laugh at what she shouldn't be saying. Joan can be seen on the WE TV, if you can find it, with her daughter Melissa on "Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best?" Joan is the proud grandmother of a 12-year-old boy. He's mad at her. Unfortunately, Joan spent his entire college fund on Spanx. Spanx? Really? Joan says she needs the Spanx.
Joan worked the Red Carpet at the Academy Awards for E! She was excited because she was told she would be sitting next to Brad Pitt. She knew this was true because she saw the booster seat in the chair. And she was excited to see Adele. Joan says she's a bit on the heavy side. Her song was "Rolling in the Deep." Says Joan, "and she could have added 'fried chicken.'" Anne Hathaway --- too thin. After the awards, she heard Anne say she was excited because now she can "pig out". And what would she be pigging out on? Joan heard Anne say she would pit out on a sweet potato and a tomato. Really? Pigging out on a baked potato and a tomato? Critiques Joan, "That's like a convict getting out of jail after 20 years and having sex with Joan Rivers." And what about Jennifer Lawrence tripping on her gown? Joan says that happened to her recently when she tripped over her breasts. Yes, it's the age. Her breasts are dropping. Just this morning she decided to get a pedicure for the show. She looked down at her feet and said, "Why 12 toes?" Says Dave, "That is the most unpleasant thing that I have heard in years."

"Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best?" - Saturdays at 9 PM on the WE TV.

ACT 4:
Dave and Paul discuss the song "Hooked on a Feeling," both versions. The first version was by B.J. Thomas back in the late 60s. The second version, the "ouga chaka ouga" version, was by Blue Swede, 1974-ish. Which does Dave and Paul prefer? I laughed because my wife Denise and I had this exact conversation less than a week ago. We both liked the original better. Talk moved onto the Blue Swede and Dave wondered if "ouga chaka ouga" is the Swedish translation of "Hooked on a feeling." While they laughed, I decided to look it up. "Hooked on a feeling" - in Swedish, "hooked pa en kaensla."

We tried to get Pope Benedict on the show before he retires but he chose to do "The View" instead. Or maybe it was Rachael Ray. Our talent department didn't give up, though. The Pope is in high demand this week. We did manage to book the Pope's hat. We have the Pope's hat here tonight in something called, "Ask The Papal Mitre." The scrim rises and we find the Pope's hat sitting on a stool. Dave asks the Papal Mitre: "Do you have anything special planned for Pope Benedict's farewell festivities?"
The mitre doesn't answer. And then after a brief silent awkwardness, the mitre shows a bit of what he has planned. The mitre sparks, smokes, and shoots confetti and ribbons into the air. Wow! And that's just a sample. Imagine how exciting the actual celebration will be!

ACT 5:
Alan, to camera: "Hey, I'm going to tell some people over there who's on the show tomorrow. Feel free to listen in."
Alan turns slightly to call out to an unseen someone off to the side.
ALAN: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave welcomes Tina Fey, Jesse Tyler, and Solange."
Alan turns back to the camera.
ALAN: "Nailed it."

ACT 6:
He's the 2013 Daytona 500 champion. 200 laps, 2 1/2 mile course, hours on the road. This year's race featured the Gen-6 cars. Dave wants to know about the Gen-6 cars. It is hoped that this generation of NASCAR will eliminate tandem racing. The Gen-5 car was known as the Car of Tomorrow. The Car of Tomorrow was yesterday. The Gen-6 cars look more like the car you buy off the showroom floor. It's what the fans want. Dave is all for that, but he wants a NASCAR Ford car to look like a Ford and a NASCAR Chevy car to look like a Chevy. Dave wants an actual car off the showroom floor and then let the team hop it and hype it and gun it up.
In this Daytona, most of the drivers wanted the high side of the track. At one point, Jimmie was in the lead but found himself down low. He felt himself about to get trapped but lucked out when the green flag came out which allowed Jimmie to change his position. I know that makes sense to some people.
Dave lifts the Harley J. Earl trophy that sits behind Dave's desk. It weighs 54 pounds. It's a beauty, but a replica of the actual trophy. The actual Harley J. Earl trophy is in the Daytona Speedway museum and measure 4-feet by 5-feet. I think that's true. I got that from the Wikipedia.

The Daytona 500 - The Great American Race. It is NASCAR's Super Bowl and Opening Day. I like it because it's the first sniff of Spring. We then roll into the March Madness and St. Patrick's Day and then baseball Opening Day. And it all starts with the Daytona 500.

ACT 7:
From his new album, "Good Kid, M.A.A.D City," Kendrick Lamar performed "Poetic Justice."

And that was our show for Tuesday February 26, 2013.

People complain about the Academy Awards being too long, but c'mon, it's a once-a-year thing. Deal with it. I agree that they could do away with some of the musical numbers. You know what I would do if I ran the Academy Awards? I would re-enact scenes from the Best Picture nominees . . . . . performed by elementary school kids. Each year, 5 to 10 schools would be chosen to put on the performance. The performers would have to be your typical school kids . . . NO PROFESSIONALS!

And speaking of "No Professionals," have you seen the promos for the new reality show, Celebrity Diving? I think it may be called "Splash." I really don't go for the so-called reality shows, but this one I could watch. Yeah, this one could hook me, for a while at least.

Watching Stupid Human Tricks last week of the guy who could drink a bottle of water in less than a second made me think of all the bets he could win at a bar. And this reminded me of my night of gaming at a bar many years ago. There was a straw bowl of popcorn sitting on the bar. I bet any comers that I could walk with that bowl of popcorn on my head from the bathroom door and back. It was the length of the bar. Before the bet, I allowed anyone to try it first. Using an empty bowl, they all failed. The bets piled up and I was ready. With a pile of dough on the bar, I delicately placed the straw bowl on my head and slowly walked down to the bathroom door and then back. My fellow bar-mates were very impressed and gladly forfeited their wager into my pocket. They wanted to know my secret but I wouldn't tell. But I will tell you. They didn't know that I have a head the size of a table. You could put anything up there and it won't fall off. Except for hair, that is.

Did anybody watch Joan Rivers' post-Oscar show Monday night? Yikes. Very crudely funny. The panel would review the dresses worn by the actresses and then Joan would give her opinion. I fell upon it by accident and am glad I did. It's certainly not for everybody but it worked for me. C'mon, talking about what people were wearing and I was watching? Not an easy thing to do.

From Raleigh, North Carolina and SUNY Cortland grad, it's Cecilia Horan Beane
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.