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Monday, March 11, 2013 A mayoral patdown or is Dave being punk'd?
Show #3817
Mayor Michael Bloomberg, and Depeche Mode.
PLUS: Local News Highlight; Tiger Woods wins at Doral; Pat Farmer moves the clock ahead; the cardinals arrive at the Vatican; a Top Ten list; Alan Kalter with something interesting, and Dave's diagram.

" . . . . and now, the grand-nephew of Johnny Appleseed . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"We lost an hour this weekend and today is said to be the groggiest day of the year. And this won't help."
-"We lost an hour, and then we lose another hour trying to line up your wall clock with that nail." (Don't worry if you missed this joke. You'll hear it again in October.)

Time now for Local News Highlight of the Night.
From KTLA – we see a news anchor introducing a "coming up" over a clip of a female marathon runner crossing the finish line): "The marathon goddess is going to be here in the studio with us to tell us about the motivation behind her goal. Jimmy?" (throws it to Jimmy the weather guy)
JIMMY: "Hi, guys. I just met her. Yeah, fantastic. She has some nice ‘tennies'. Tennis shoes. Ummm . . . . "
At least it was supposed to be "tennies" . . . sounded more like something else.

Congratulations to Tiger Woods for winning the tournament down at Doral in Florida over the weekend. Not all was so smooth for him, though. Did you see this shot?
We watch a clip of Tiger's drive slicing into a palm tree. It knocks a coconut out of the tree, which then rolls onto the green and lands atop the hole. ." Not sure how you would mark that on your card. The clip closes with the closing sequence and song to "Gilligan's Island." I laughed and said, "That makes no sense." Dave quips, "That makes no sense

Stagehand Pat Farmer enters and walks right past Dave. We cut to Pat who is kneeling down to adjust the floor clock, moving it up one hour.
DAVE: "Uh, Pat, excuse me, but I think the clocks were already adjusted for Daylight Saving Time."
PAT: "Yeah, I know, Dave. I just figured maybe I could get us all out of here earlier."
Fanfare from Paul and the band.
Pat is now standing by Dave.
PAT: "Remember to replace your smoke detector batteries, folks! Goodnight!"

Earlier today, all of the Cardinals arrived at the Vatican for the Papal Conclave. We take a look at the arrival.
We cut to a swarm of parachutists forming a circle as the drop from a plane. Wow. Everybody's got to make a big entrance these days. Nothing is simply anymore.

ACT 2:
The week off has giving Dave some time to think. This is what caught his imagination and suppositions this week. He takes out a large pad to explain. I had no idea where this was going and wondered when the pad was called for.
1. There was the retirement of Pope Benedict. Dave puts a "DB" in a circle on the pad. The Pope will soon make an appearance on "Dancing With The Stars." Dave draws a "DWTS" inside the DB circle.
2. Dave draws another circle. Hugo Chavez dropped dead. Dave draws a circle. HC and DD are written inside the circle.
3. Joy Behar leaves "The View."
Dave then draws lines from circle to circle to create a Bermuda triangle. Dave challenges, "If you can prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that these three things are not related, I will give you $100."
Damn! Dave knows you can't prove a negative.

TOP TEN: Following the opening animation, we find a security officer demanding to pat-down Mr. Letterman. Dave understands, since we have the Mayor on the show tonight. You can never be too careful. The guy says, "I'm not with the Mayor's office . . . . I'm just a big fan of the show."
The guy returns to his seat. Surprisingly, Dave seemed pleased with that.

TOP TEN: THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR SNEAKERS --- Google had developed a sneaker equipped with a computer and speaker enabling the shoe to talk to the person wearing it. Dave explains that this is just another example of why the rest of the world hates us.
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR SNEAKERS
8. "Talking to your shoes . . . nice life you've carved for yourself."
7. "Can you introduce me to your sister's pumps?"
My submission: "Going for a run? This won't take long."

Kids aren't interested in talking shoes. They only communicate through texting. For those without teens in the house, kids today never talk on the phone. It's all about texting. Never ever on the phone. Never.

ACT 3:
MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
– The 108th Mayor of New York City. His hope of banning the over-sized soft drink was shot down earlier today by a judge who ruled the order to be "arbitrary and capricious." The Mayor says he believes it is up to the government to educate the public and he was trying to point out the danger obesity has on us. He says 70,000 Americans will die this year due to obesity, 5,000 in New York. More people will die from overeating than from lack of food.
Dave blames the food industry for engineering their "merchandise' to appeal to people whether it's good for them or not. They know the smell, the taste, the sound, the feel, and the look that will create a craving. Perhaps some foods should be banned, but the Mayor quickly adds, "As long as they don't band Cheez-its." Hey-O! Bloomberg's got my vote! Oh, yeah, Cheez-its are my weakness. Love ‘em by the handful right out of the box. It's something me and the billionaire have in common. The Mayor says the health care costs to battle the obesity epidemic will bankrupt the country.

How's the crime in the city? The Mayor proudly points out that it is 25% lower than last year and last year was a record low. The population of the city is growing, more people live here than ever before, more people work here than ever before, and people are living longer than ever before.

The Mayor is a big proponent of gun control in America. There were 12,000 murders last year from handguns and 19,000 suicides, which comes to 30 murders and 50 suicides a day. The Mayor is an advocate for common-sense measures that will close the gaps in our gun laws. His campaign of Mayors Against Illegal Guns is covered in the website www.demandaction.org.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Get back here tomorrow for Dave and his guests Steve Carell, from ‘Game of Thrones' Emilia Clarke, and Josh Ritter. Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Depeche Mode Live on Letterman. Depeche Mode's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Total cost to you: nothin'!"

ACT 6:
Dave lauds the Mayor's generosity. The Mayor has vowed to give away much of his great fortune to those in need. Dave mumbles to himself, "I have a different plan."
And speaking of a different plan, our announcer Alan Kalter has something interesting and fun for us. Alan?
ALAN: (Excited) "Hi, Dave! Well, all human beings are covered in Demodex mites! (peppy music) "That's right! At under a half-millimeter long, Demodex mites are some of the smallest arthropods known to science. They live in our hair shafts and survive by eating skin cells that accumulate in the follicles. Researchers believe we may carry up to one trillion parasitic organisms on our bodies at all times!
Back to you, Dave!"

Whoa! They live in our follicles! I'm hoping somebody is checking into their effect on balding. I'm not asking for myself. I'm asking for a friend I have.

ACT 7:
DEPECHE MODE

From their soon-to-be released album, "Delta Machine," Depeche Mode performed "Heaven."
And then they hung around to put on a mini-concert which you can enjoy right now on the Late Show interweb.
And that was our show for Monday, March 11, 2013.

I have Cardinal Turkson in my Pope Fantasy League

Odds-makers have made Cardinal Scola, Turkson, and Bertone as the favorites to be elected the new Pope. The longshot: Rosenblatt.

Seems golfing with the President has helped Tiger.

Did I see right this past week. Was George Stephanopoulos interviewing Dennis Rodman about his visit with Kim Jong-un? Really? I mean, even KJU thinks Dennis Rodman is nuts.

When was the last time a 16-ounce container held 16 ounces of soda? Never happens. Half is usually ice. And why couldn't I get a big soda and simply ask for two straws? It wouldn't just be for me. I would be sharing it.

Mayor Bloomberg: For soda limits; against term limits.

Mayor Bloomberg is the 13th richest person in America, worth $27.4 billion. How much is 27.4 billion dollars? You see that little "point 4"? Yeah, that's 400 million dollars. I could live on just the ‘point 4.'

Smell that? I think I smell Spring coming. March can be such a tease. You get a taste of warmth and then when you let yourself think of the coming Spring and flowers and cool breezes, we get hit with a huge snowfall. I always expect a March snow. I always tell people we have one more coming. We got that last week and I hope that was it. I hope that is all we are getting this year. But I like the late season snow. It makes people go bonkers and filled with angst and anger. In college back in the last century in SUNY Cortland in central New York, I remember waking up on May 6th to snow on the ground. Students from Long Island were actually weeping. I got a big kick out of that.

After I shoveled the driveway, I always enjoy a self-congratulatory beer. It doesn't matter what time it is. It could be 7 PM or 7 AM. I like to pull out a chair at the top of the driveway, sit back, and enjoy a beer with some Levon Helm on the cassette player. But last week much to my chagrin I couldn't find a beer. All I could find was an alcohol-free O'Doul's. I have them in the house for a neighbor down the street who will sometime drop in. I don't mind the O'Doul's. They are actually pretty good. But what really bothers me is paying real money for fake beer. That really bugs me and is probably why I don't buy it for myself. It doesn't seem fair.

Happy Johnny Appleseed Day.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Cedar Knolls, New Jersey and it's her birthday on the 12th, it's Tara Callahan DeGeorge
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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