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Tuesday, March 12, 2013 Dave's phone call to the Vatican is anything but heavenly.
Show # 3818
Steve Carell, Emilia Clarke, and Josh Ritter.
PLUS: "The Bible" on the History Channel; Dennis Rodman in North Korea; Dave Tries His Hand at Blackjack and Wins; Dave Tries his Hand at Phoning the Vatican and Loses; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . . and now, the "Pro" in quid pro quo . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "The large soda ban was overturned by Judge Milton Tingling. I don't have a joke, I just list saying 'Judge Milton Tingling.'" And Dave says it throughout the monologue.
- "For the Papal Conclave, The Cardinals had to take a vow of silence . . . like last night's audience."

There's a new mini-series based on the Bible that's been getting huge ratings on the History Channel. Some critics are saying it's not the best interpretation of the Scriptures. We take a look.
From "The Bible," we see a clip of the burning bush.
GOD (off-camera): "Moses, you must free my people from Pharaoh's tyranny."
MOSES: "But how can I set them free?"
GOD: "Go to Pharaoh, and tell him that . . ."
God is interrupted by a phone ringtone.
GOD: "Hold on. Someone's on the extension . . . . Hey, Jesus, I'm trying to talk on the bush here . . . . . . Well, why don't you use that fancy cellular bush I bought you? . . . . "Listen, Moses, I gotta go. I'll catch you later."
GOD hangs up.

Did you read where former NBA basketball nutcase Dennis Rodman went to North Korea and dropped in on Kim Jong-Un. Well, The Rod-Man made a movie while he was there. We take a look at a promo.
ANNOUNCE: (over shots of Dennis Rodman) "An unconventional cop with a flair for destruction . . . ."
RODMAN: "I kinda like trouble."
ANNOUNCE: (over exciting Die Hard-like footage) ". . . . takes out an international arms dealer, and only one man can help him succeed."
ANNOUNCE: (Rodman and Kim Jong-Un in a buddy/cop movie) "Rodman. Un. 'UN-STOPPABLE.' Your supreme leader is now your supreme action hero. Coming soon."
Not soon enough for me.

Exciting, thrilling . . . . it's "Conclave 2013!" That's all we have so far . . . just the graphic and some noise.

Dave looks hard at his cue cards Tony is holding.
DAVE: "Hit me."
Cut to Tony 'Cue Cards' Mendez. We see he is holding two cue card-sized playing cards, a 3 and a 4. Tony reveals the next card: a 2.
DAVE: "Hit me again."
Tony flips the next card. It's a 7.
TONY: "You have 16."
DAVE: " . . . . OK, hit me one more time."
Tony turns over a 5, for 21.
Fanfare from the band.
Wow, risky move by Dave. I wonder if he's a card counter.

ACT 2:
What better time than now for Dave to take advantage of his connections at St. Patrick's Cathedral and phone in to the Vatican to see how the Papal Conclave is going. Dave has a direct line. Dave punches in a number on the desk phone. We hear the ring tone.
VATICAN CARDINAL: "Yeah, Conclave."
DAVE: "Oh, who is this?
VATICAN CARDINAL: "Cardinal Scola. Who the hell is this?"
DAVE: "I'm Dave Letterman. I'm calling from New York City!"
VATICAN CARDINAL: "No kidding?! Hang on, I'm gonna put you on speaker . . . ."
DAVE: " . . . Uh, huh . . . so, how's the Conclave going? Anybody emerged as the front-runner for Pope?"
ANOTHER VATICAN CARDINAL: "Well, there's a couple of votes for Scola, a couple of votes for Dolan, and some wise-ass wrote in 'Joe Pesci.'"
DAVE: "Hmmm, sounds like you're having trouble making headway. Have you guys been able to agree on anything yet?"
ANOTHER VATICAN CARDINAL: "Yeah, we agreed that Kate Upton isn't hot . . . she's red hot! Am I right, guys?"
(Fellow Cardinals give out a resounding and agreeing yelp)
ANOTHER VATICAN CARDINAL: "Who's on the show tonight?"
DAVE: "Steve Carell is on the program. He's very good, very funny."
ANOTHER VATICAN CARDINAL: "Hey, can you get him to sign my DVD of 'Crazy, Stupid, Love'?"
DAVE: "Uhh, sure, Yeah, I'll see what I can . . . ."
The Cardinals abruptly hang up.

Dave looks off-camera for help. Did we skip something during the phone call? Did we miss something? Communication with the Control Room decides we should do it again. The above is attempted but this time it comes up even more short than the first. A third try . . . not what we had in mind. It's decided to can the bit and go on to the Top Ten.

From what I've heard, when the Cardinals decided to go on speaker phone it caused some problems with the audio between Dave and the Vatican. You couldn't do both at the same time. Or something like that. It was a minor problem during rehearsal that was ironed out, or so we thought.

TOP TEN: QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO LIVE TO 150 - researches claim that within 5 years, new drugs will be available that will slow down the aging process and enable us to live to 150 years old.
9. "Am I that desperate to see 'Die Hard 30'?"
7. "Can I keep this a secret from my wife?"
5. "Will I have enough Viagra?"
2. "Will I end up looking like Larry King?"

ACT 3:
STEVE CARELL
Steve enters with two almost-illegal Big Gulp containers of soda pop. So daring! Dave watching the TV Sunday night and after the Bible show and another show, there was Steve Carell on the Pawn Shop Star show. What was he doing there? His family is big fans of the show and Steve "happened" to be in the neighborhood. They dropped by to take a gander. He says the Pawn Shop is very popular with lines going out the door and around the corner. They must do great business. Says Steve, "No one buys anything but t-shirts there."
Dave likes Steve's stories of camping with the family as a kid. Was camping with the family fun? Heart warming stories? Steve thinks a moment and says "Now they are." At the time they may not have been so much fun or heart-warming. He remembers the family lugging its way to Ed Allen's Fishing Paradise Campgrounds. There were signs every ten miles and the family grew more and more eager to arrive at the advertised paradise. But upon arrival, it was nothing but a mosquito-infested, dead-guy-at-the-bottom-of-the-pool-type place. I've been to those kind of places. Some of the best memories come from such campgrounds.
I missed much of the rest of the segment as I was looking for an Ed Allen Campground logo on the computer. I found one, but it wasn't used. Steve's new film, "The Incredible Burt Wonderstone," opens this Friday. Steve plays a Las Vegas magician. He makes your money disappear. Hey-Ohhhh, I didn't just say that, did I? I'll be in Branson all this week.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Your number one priority tomorrow is catching Dave with Jim Carrey, and Richard Thompson. Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Depeche Mode Live on Letterman. Depeche Mode's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. It's a beautiful thing."

ACT 6:
EMILIA CLARKE
She's in the HBO series, "Game of Thrones" and she's making her Broadway debut in legendary "Breakfast at Tiffany's" at the Cort Theater. Emilia had the acting bug from an early age. She remembers going to her first audition at 11 years old. She lived in London and it was for a musical. What did she have prepared for the musical audition? Nothing. This was her first audition and didn't quite know how it worked. When she got out there, she sang some simple ditty she recently learned in grade school. The other 80 at the audition had something with a bit more depth. She then decided to do a number from "Cats" that she was somewhat familiar. Dave knew the song and begins to sing a couple strains. Unfortunately, the strain was on us. "Breakfast at Tiffany's" - Emilia brings to life the role of Holly Golightly made famous by Audrey Hepburn. The play is now in previews and officially opens on March 20th.

ACT 7:
JOSH RITTER
From his new album, "The Beast In Its Tracks," Josh Ritter performed "Joy To You Baby"

And that was our show for Tuesday March 12, 2013.


During the morning meeting, someone asked if tonight's music, Josh Ritter, was related to John Ritter, the "Three's Company" actor. The answer:
No. I asked if he was related to Tex Ritter. I got, "Who?" That was my first "I'm getting old" of the day. (Notice how I said "getting"). By the way, Josh Ritter isn't related to John Ritter, but John Ritter is the son of Tex Ritter.

My second "I'm getting old" of the day was during the Steve Carell segment. Steve was talking about magician/illusionist David Copperfield's answering machine. Copperfield has Geoffrey Holder doing the voice on the machine. Who is Geoffrey Holder? He was a James Bond villain. This didn't help me much, but when Steve Carell referenced him as the "Cola Nut" guy, I laughed in recognition. Those I was seated with had no idea who the Cola Nut guy is.

Have you been watching the Bible miniseries on the History Channel? I don't want to ruin it for you, but Jesus dies at the end. But be sure to stick around for the big surprise ending.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO LIVE TO 150 - I gave in a handful. Struck out.
- "Do I really want to be as old as Regis?"
- "DO I want to spend 70 years smelling like cheese?"
- "Will I run out of things to complain about?"
- "Will my great great great great great great grandkids call me on my birthday?"
- "Does that mean I may get to see Bernie Madoff serve his full term?"
- "Should I start worrying about how global warming will affect ME?
- "Do I have enough seersucker?"

I've been thinking. What if I drew up a Venn Diagram with one subset containing Pope Benedict, another subset containing Hugo Chavez, and a third subset containing Joy Behar. None of them intersect. Would this prove the three are not related in any way?

It's the Donz's birthday today, March 12th. I went to the Wikipedia "This Date In History" page but found no mention of this great American event.
. 1894 - Coca-Cola is bottled and sold for the first time in Vicksburg, Mississippi
. 1912 - The Girl Guides (later renamed the Girl Scouts of the USA) are founded in the United States.
. 1930 - Mahatma Gandhi leads a 200-mile march to the sea in defiance of British opposition, to protest the British monopoly on salt.
. 1933 - Great Depression: Franklin D. Roosevelt addresses the nation for the first time as President of the United States. This is also the first of his "fireside chats".
. 2009 - Financier Bernard Madoff pleads guilty in New York to scamming $18 billion, the largest in Wall Street history.

The Donz shares a birthday with Liza Minnelli, Mitt Romney, and Buckwheat

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Happy Birthday, Mr. Don Giller.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Michael Somerville
David Gray

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