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Wednesday, March 13, 2013 Jim Carrey gives himself a super-sized pedicure.
Show #3819
Jim Carrey and Richard Thompson.
PLUS: the new Pope with an exciting new hat; House Budget Chairman Paul Ryan; New Books; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . . and now, balloonist and aerial photographer . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"New York City is trying to find a way to keep rats from having sex. How about getting them married?"

A new Pope was elected today. He made his first appearance today from the balcony in the Vatican. It looks like it's going to be an exciting papacy. We see Pope Francis speaking before the crowd . . . with white smoke coming from his big pope hat.

CONCLAVE 2013! Yes, it's over but we thought we would be using the exciting graphic for the rest of the week. Didn't want it to go to waste.

Time now for "House Budget Chairman Paul Ryan: Well Said"
ART CARD: HOUSE BUDGET CHAIRMAN PAUL RYAN: WELL SAID"
We see the GOP VP nominee and House Budget Chairman Paul Ryan giving an emphatic speech to inspire strength and confidence from the American citizenry.
SENATOR PAUL RYAN: "This is something that we're not going to give up on because we're not going give up on destroying the health care system for the American people."
ART CARD: HOUSE BUDGET CHAIRMAN PAUL RYAN: WELL SAID"

Wonder what retired Pope Benedict is up to now? Well, let's find out.
We see a scene from the beach. We see Pope Benedict the 16th enter the scene. He is dressed in his Papal wares. He begins to strip down for a swim in the beach. He's getting down to his Speedos. Thankfully, a hand in the foreground enters and places a Corona beer bottle in the way to block the view of the former pontiff.

Hey, Corona, did you see the free promo? You know our address.

ACT 2:
It's Wednesday night and you know what that means . . . time for "New Books"

1. Now that she's no longer Secretary of State, she can speak freely: "Foreigners are Idiots: My Four Years As Secretary of State" – by Hillary Clinton.
2. Nature lovers will appreciate this handy reference: "The Audubon Society Field Guide To North American Birds That Wear Hats"
3. Much of today's erotic literature confuses me: "50 Shades of Shades"
4. You're thinking of spitting but you have questions? You need: "What To Expect When You're Expectorating"
5. If you're interested in collecting, this should be on your bookshelf: "The Collectors Guide To Previous Editions of the Collectors Guide – 9th Edition"
6. We've had him on the show. It's Bill Pullman's new book, "For The Last Time, I'm Not Bill Paxton."
7. A Charles Dickens classic gets an update in this audio book: "Great Expectations with Incongruous Sound Effects." --- we listen to a few lines from the book, followed by some incongruous sound effects.
8. Aviation history buffs will find this one fascinating: "Overlooked Invention of the Wright Brothers: The Bench." We see the famous photo of the Wright Brothers first flight. And there in the corner is a bench, also invented by them.
9. Fans of Jason Bourne spy novels may be puzzled by this installment: "The Bourne Colonoscopy"
10. It's so successful, a spinoff has been spun: "Downton Rabbi"

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: REJECTED POPE NAMES

10. Kim Jong Pope
9. Pope Pius Galifianakis
8. Pope John MMMLXXXVII
7. Pope Sixteenth the Eleventh
6. Pope Milton Tingling
5. Pope W. Bush
4. Pope John Paul Van Damme
3. Pope Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino
2. Sponge Pope Big Hat
1. Francis Ford Poppola

JIM CARREY
My, what big feet he has! Jim Carrey enters barefoot. His feet look to be Bob Lanier-size, I'd say about a size 26. Though they were comical, they were extremely realistic. Kudos to the person who created those. Each time we come back from commercial, we find Jim doing things with his toe nails that should be done in the privacy of your own home while watching TV.
During Carrey's segment, he does an Anthony Quinn impersonation. Not sure if we've had one of those. He later does Rodney Dangerfield and Charlton Heston. We've had people do Rodney Dangerfield jokes but I'm not sure if they were doing a Dangerfield impression. I have no record of anyone doing Heston, but I kind of remember someone doing his line about taking his guns from his cold dead hands, and maybe his "Soylent Green is people" . . . or maybe that was just me. Jim has a new hobby: Photobombing. That's when you stick your head in a photo of the unsuspecting. The subjects in the photo don't find out until they have their film developed at Fuji days later. We see a young Jim in the photo of Jack Ruby shooting Lee Harvey Oswald; we see a boyish Jim at the Ali-Liston fight . . . the 2nd one; we see Jim at the reading of the OJ verdict, and we see Jim with Pope Francis from earlier in the day. It would have been fun to see Jim photobombing a photo that included Forrest Gump.

Jim's new film, "The Incredible Burt Wonderstone," opens this Friday, starring along with Steve Carell and Steve Buscemi.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We're aiming to please tomorrow with Dave and his guests Gerard Butler, and Elizabeth Cook! Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Depeche Mode Live on Letterman. Depeche Mode's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Your enjoyment is thanks enough.

ACT 7:
RICHARD THOMPSON

From his most recent CD, "Electric," Richard Thompson performed "Good Things Happen To Bad People"

And that was our show for Wednesday, March 13, 2013.

See what happens when Cardinal Scola refuses to do our show?

Things were going so nicely during the day . . . and then during rehearsal it was announced we had a new Pope. Not too much changed, but we scrambled to get new stuff and update the old.

I heard on one of the radio sports show that a Met pitcher is out with a sore oblique. C'mon, knock it off. Tell us what an oblique is. Don't make us look it up.

Where my head is at – saw a headline about supporting "open carry" – thought it was about walking around with an open beer – was about guns

I was watching the "48 Hours" the other night. It's usually about a murder that 48 Hours manipulates in its telling to keep you interested for the entire hour. Fine. I understand that‘s show biz. The part that annoys me is halfway through . . . at the 24-hour mark, I guess . . . . as the show goes into commercial, they put up a question like "Do you think there is enough evidence to convict Joe Goatee? Log on to the 48 Hour website with your answer." I hate those.
And that was another installment of "Wahoo Filler!"

I attended a funeral the other day. We pulled out of the church to proceed to the burial with a line of 10 cars or so. Our flashers are on to signal to other drivers that we are in a procession. We drive past an elderly who is practicing his 9-iron out on an open field. He stops what he is doing, removes his hat, and stands at attention, giving the sign of the cross as we continue on by. I liked that. I really liked that. Very respectful of the gentlemen towards a person he never met. I've seen this done before but I believe it's become a thing of the past. I imagine the World War II generation is more likely to practice this. It gave me a good feeling. And just past this sweet old gentleman we crossed paths with a guy who was beeping at us to move faster. He didn't appreciate the inconvenience. He then cut in the middle of the procession. Oh, how I wish I was directly in front of him. He would have been VERY inconvenienced if I were. I may have missed the burial, but I don't think anyone would have been mad.

Did you read this the other day? NFL football commissioner Roger Goodell has an idea how helmets can be improved to reduce concussions. Says he: "The better protection the helmet provides, sometimes the more likely (players) are to use their head, and that's a dilemma that we have to change, in part through rules," Goodell said. "But I also see that we could potentially change the helmet by making it lighter. (That) would make it less of a weapon."

Perhaps Commissioner Goodell reads the Wahoo Gazette?
From the June 28, 2013 Wahoo --- Dave interviewed Drew Brees, Quarterback of the New Orleans Saints:
"Dave wondered why there aren't as many concussions in rugby, a sport that doesn't provide a helmet for the participants. My theory, odd as it may seem, is the reason there are fewer concussions in rugby is because THERE ARE NO helmets. The players don't use their head as a weapon. It's too dangerous. Instead of making football helmets more safe, perhaps we should go back to leather helmets. I think maybe that would cut down on concussions. Tacklers wouldn't use their head as a weapon."
Someday the rest of the world will catch up to the Wahoo Gazette.

Happy Pi Day the 14th!

Oblique . . . it's a muscle in the abdomen.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's Chattanooga City High School alum, now living in Xenia, Ohio, it's Greg Evans.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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