Show #3820 Gerard Butler, and Elizabeth Cook.
PLUS: The New Sex Cereal; Hulk Pope; Gaucho Pope; and a Top Ten List.
" . . . . and now, with laser-like focus . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!
- "In less than 24 hours they decided on the leader of the Catholic Church. But it took a year to find a replacement for Regis."
It's Conclave 2013! Yeah, we know it's over but we need to make our money back on this.
There's a new cereal on the market designed to increase a man or woman's sexual performance. The item looks like it's going to be a big seller and now other cereal companies are trying to get in on the action. We take a look at one of the commercials.
We see a woman wondering what to have for breakfast. An animated bee buzzes her head with a suggestion.
We see the commercial for Honey Nut Cheerios. We change the voice of the bee.
HONEY NUT CHEERIO BEE: "Good morning! You want to start the day with something healthy and delicious?"
WOMAN: "You're a talking bee."
HONEY NUT CHEERIO BEE: "A talking bee . . . . with a sexually-charged new cereal."
WOMAN: "And it tastes good?"
HONEY NUT CHEERIO BEE: "It tastes good, and . . . I can make you feel even better!"
HONEY NUT CHEERIO BEE: "Honey Nut Cheerios. Want to see my stinger?"
People got so caught up in the excitement of the Papal Conclave and the new Pope. Now CBS is jumping on the bandwagon. We take a look at what they have planned.
ANNOUNCE: "Black smoke. No new pope . . . . . . . White smoke. A new pope has been elected . . . . . Green smoke. They've elected... Hulk Pope."
We see an angry Hulk wearing a Pope hat.
ANNOUNCE: "'Hulk Pope' . . . . Coming this fall to CBS."
The new Pope is from Argentina. Dave doesn't know much about Argentina . . . what he knows about Argentina you could fit in Ecuador . . . But what he does knows about Argentina is the Argentine pampas, the wide open lowlands. And on those lowlands you would find gauchos. And lo and behold, tonight on Broadway we have the Gaucho Pope! We cut to Broadway to find the Pope on horseback riding down Broadway.
Dave takes out pencil and does some figuring.
DAVE: "The outfit for the Pope . . . the rider . . . the horse . . . . was the laugh worth it?"
Dave isn't sure if all that was worth the money spent. But when he learns we have the horse and the Pope all night, well, he decides he will get as much out of this as he can. He "asks" if we can get the Pope to ride north on Broadway against the traffic. Since we all live in Dave's world, YES! Yes, we can get the Pope to ride the wrong way on Broadway. We cut back outside to find the horse slowly making a U-turn. Dave is delighted. He feels so much better now.
Tony Mendez, our cue card guy Tony Mendez who used to do a show on the Late Show website, had his taxes done recently by a professional. His ex-wife used to do the taxes, but now that they've separated he takes his taxes out. Tony decided to video his visit to his tax preparer in something called, ""Tony Does His Taxes."
We see Tony in his tax accountant's office. Tony has a shoebox of receipts and is throwing them on the desk of the accountant. The accountant is confused. We soon find out why.
ACCOUNTANT:"I don't do taxes. I'm a taxidermist." The camera widens to show the office is filled with dead heads on the wall. The camera zooms in on each one by one, accompanied by a psycho sting.
TONY: "I thought you were just a weird accountant." Tony collects his receipts and says, "I'll take the armadillo. Wrap it up!" And exits.
Back to Dave who is again doing some figuring. The actor . . . the stuffed animals . . . the props . . . . was the laugh worth it?
TOP TEN BIBLICAL TELEVISION SHOWS
On the information blue card, I typed: "The History Channel is receiving its best ratings ever for its 10-part mini-series 'The Bible.'" I added an additional line: "The final episode will be shown on Easter Sunday." I was hoping that would spring Dave into a, "Oooh, Easter Sunday! I'm not going to tell you how it ends!"
TOP TEN BIBLICAL TELEVISION SHOWS
10. "Leviticus and Shirley"
9. "Gomorroh Five-0"
8. "Curb Your Polytheism"
7. "Abstinence in the City"
5. "I Dream of Jesus"
4. "Parks and Resurrection"
3. "Two and a Half Wise Men"
2. "The Big Bang Theory Is A Lie"
1. "S#*! My God Says"
During the commercial break I went out on stage to deliver something. I was then told to get to wardrobe. I have to get into a police uniform. And with that, I'm off! I see nothing more of tonight's show.
GERARD BUTLER - He stars in the new action thriller, "Olympus Has Fallen."
We go outside to see what's up with the Gaucho Pope. Hey, the pontiff is getting a ticket from a copper for riding the wrong way. I imagine he knows somebody and can get the thing squashed.
ANNOUNCE: "Be back here tomorrow as Dave welcomes Seth Meyers, comedian Demetri Martin, and Dropkick Murphys. I was in your basement and I noticed evidence of termites. You should call an exterminator. Never mind why I was in your basement."
She's the host the Sirius/XM radio show, "Elizabeth Cook's Apron Strings" on the Outlaw Country station on Channel 60. The show airs weekdays from 10:00 AM until 2:00 PM (Eastern Time). Elizabeth sticks around to perform "If I Had My Way I'd Tear This Building Down" from her EP, "Gospel Plow." While I was still outside with the Pope and the horse, I saw 4 marching band members come out to take pictures. I learned they were from the band. I remember Elizabeth Cook being fun and talented the last time she was here. I'll be giving this show and her performance a look-see for sure.
And that was our show for Thursday March 14, 2013.
While I was getting into my cop uniform, I figured I would be giving the Pope a summons. I ran outside and then had to wait. I wasn't officially told what I had to do till right before I was cued. I was positioned and was ready to write the summons. I asked like a ventriloquist if we were on. I also asked if we were miked up and if they could hear us in the audience. If not, I asked to be cued when to write the summons and when to hand the summons to the Pope. I had no eyes or ears. I was going blind. If I was told when to rip off the summons, I didn't hear it. I was writing gibberish onto a blank sheet of Police memo book paper and had little idea how long I should scribble. When I sense I did enough, I ripped the "ticket" from the memo book and handed it written-side down to the Pope. It was given written-side down because I didn't want those at home with the HD to be able to read my nonsensical scribblings. As it turned out, it turned out well.
I was asked to go to the edit room to do a quick voice over for a piece. I had one line to do, my favorite kind of work. I get to the edit room and there is a guy already in the announce booth doing the major part of the piece. My line will be a quick add-on at the end. I like getting to the edit room to watch how a professional voice-over artist does their job. I'm embarrassed to be in the same club as them. Anyway, he does his bit and while he's packing up to leave, I do mine. I rush out when I'm done to the elevator and the guy who was in the announce booth before me is already waiting for the elevator. We do some quick chit-chat. He says he was sitting in the edit room waiting for his assignment and watched the piece about the sex cereal with the Honey Nut Cheerio bee being voice. He says to me, "I couldn't believe it . . . I'M THE HONEY NUT CHEERIO BEE!" The actual Honey Nut Cheerio Bee in the commercials? "YEAH!" And then he gives me a quick sample of his Bee. Did he tell anyone in the edit room? No. He says he didn't want to seem pushy and maybe elbow a fellow voice-over guy out of a gig. So here we were doing a joke about the Honey Nut Cheerio Bee and we had the ACTUAL Honey Nut Cheerio Bee in the very same room. And we didn't use him.
We actually probably did him a favor. I'm sure he wouldn't want what happened to the Geico lizard.
When I heard there was a new sex cereal, I thought, "Trix?"
I was talking to Tony Cue Cards after the show. When he was introducing his piece during the show, he told Dave that his ex-wife used to do the taxes. He was hoping Dave would ask his ex-wife's name. Tony was prepared to say, "Sue." That would have been Dave's cue to repeat, "Sue?" to which Tony would reply "Si." Dave would follow that with, "And what does she do for a living?" Tony: "Sew."
If the Holy Spirit guides the Cardinals on whom to elect as Pope, then why isn't it unanimous?
Did you enjoy Pi Day? We all know Pi equals 3.14 etc etc etc. But what is Pi really?
The distance around the circle is called the circumference.
The distance across the circle is called the diameter.
Pi is the circumference divided by the diameter and it will always be the same . . . . pi.
My daughters are going to the St. Patrick's Day Parade in the city on Saturday. The big St. Patrick's Day Parade is usually held on March 17th except when the 17th is a Sunday, then it's held the day before. My girls, 17 years old, haven't experienced the under-age drinking yet but I'm sure it'll come someday. I'd prefer it happen when they are college aged but not while they are in college. I don't want them to experience the "too much" for the first time while they are far from home. I want them near home so I can wag my finger at them, hoping they don't smell the beer on my breath while I admonish them. I've told them there will come a time when they partake in the festivities of St. Patrick's Day and it is very important to know WHO and WHY we celebrate St. Patrick. I don't want them to be caught unaware if confronted by a snoot. It's my advice to all: If you're going to act like an ass on St. Patrick's Day, at least know why.
Friday is the Ides of March. Paul and the band will play "Vehicle" by the Ides of March. Tell me if you notice anything interesting about the playing of the song.
Columbo thinks it was Brutus, on the Capitol steps, with the knife.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Lakewood, Washington, it's Charles Ames
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee