Seth Meyers, Demetri Martin, and Dropkick Murphys.
PLUS: new celebrity diving show; an odd commercial from PC Richard; “Showbiz Weekend”; Dave gets the wrong order, and a Top Ten list with construction workers.
“ . . . . and now, Brutus’s co-conspirator . . . . . . . . David Letterman!!”
-“St. Patrick’s Day . . . the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers.”
-“Down in Times Square, the hookers are already wearing their buttons: ‘Kiss Me, I’m $50.”
-“The average New York spends 59 hours a year in traffic. Kim Kardashian spends 59 hours stuck in a marriage.”
Did you hear about the new celebrity diving show, “Splash”? Well, already there are imitators. We take a look at this commercial for another celebrity diving show.
ANNOUNCE: “If you thought celebrity diving competition, ‘Splash,’ wasn’t intense enough, then we have a show for you. These ten celebrities are about to take a dive from three stories up, into a pool . . . completely . . . . drained . . . of water.”
We see a diver landing hard at the bottom of a waterless pool.
ANNOUNCE: “’Splat!’ Tuesdays at 9 PM, only on FOX.”
Some things make no sense to Dave, no matter how long he lives. He saw something earlier today that made absolutely no sense.
ANNOUNCE: “March Madness is heating up at PC Richard and Son! Check out our sizzling hot deals on HDTVs, washers, dryers, vacuums, just about everything in the store. And come meet TV’s Batman – Adam West – and former Pope Benedict the 16th at our Linwood, New Jersey location.”
DISCLAIMER ANNOUNCE: “Pope Benedict will not be signing autographs!”
ANNOUNCE: “PC Richard and Son. We Appliance You”
Could it be? Can it be? Yes! We check in with our old friends Bruce and Linda, the new hosts of “Showbiz Weekend!” We come to a split-screen of Linda Connelly is in New York; Bruce Fine in Hollywood.
LINDA: “Thanks, Dave. It’s a St. Patrick’s Day ‘Showbiz Weekend,’ so we set our sights on a famous Irish-American. I had a traditional corned beef and cabbage lunch with The Lord of the Dance himself, Michael Flatley.”
BRUCE: “Did he teach you some steps?”
LINDA: “Well, I wouldn’t let him leave until I did.”
BRUCE: “That’s our Linda! I’ll be visiting Beverly Hills optician Merle Cohen who will give us the skinny on which of your favorite stars are nearsighted, farsighted, or a perfect 20/20.”
LINDA: “And our own R. J. Spangler is on the Broadway Beat with a look at the hottest shows’ souvenir drinking cups . . . now you can bring cocktails right back to your seat!”
BRUCE: “Cheers to Broadway! All that, plus remembering Buddy Ebsen, acing your reality show audition, and we uncover the missing Judd. Tomorrow, on ‘Showbiz Weekend!’”
LINDA: “Back to you, Dave.”
TOP TEN: CONSTRUCTION WORKER PET PEEVES – I wasn’t sure what to put on Dave’s Top Ten information card. We were featuring local construction workers tonight for no other real reason than it was overdue. I gathered some general information, such as there are 2 million Union construction workers in the United States. I then listed some construction trades. I added some of the common ones; carpenter, electrician, plumber, and added one I thought he would comment on: Concrete finisher (DING!). I also added “welder” since I kind of recall Dave having some affinity for welders (DING!)
CONSTRUCTION WORKER PET PEEVES
10. Joe Trimble: “7 A.M. start time conflicts with my yoga.”
9. Hasley Derosena: “Tool belts make my ass look fat.”
8. Phil Ducatelli: “People see me in a hard hat and think it’s okay to throw stuff at my head”
7. Eric McIntire: “Battling rats with my nail gun”
6. Felicia McIntosh: “When I work at high altitude, the tools talk to me.”
5. Dave Bolger: “You finish a skyscraper at 1800 Broadway; turns out it was supposed to be at 1900 Broadway.
4. Ana Taveras: “Learning that one of your favorite traffic cones was run over.
3. Nicholas Milazzo: “Showoffs with all ten fingers”
2. Barrie Smith: “Having to shut down a construction site to read ten lame jokes”
1. Richard D’Andrea: “Co-workers who giggle at the word ‘caulk’”
I think Richard emphasized his slightly-accented “caulk”
And Barrie Smith got through his reading with the gentle assistance and tender encouragement of Dave.
He’s the head writer and “Weekend Update” anchor on “Saturday Night Live” and he has a huge gig Saturday night at the Mirage Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. He’s performed in Vegas in the past and Dave wonders if he’s ever met the Vegas legend, Don Rickles. Seth says he met him recently in Los Angeles at a restaurant. Seth says he felt like a young female Elvis fan meeting Elvis himself. His heart was all atwitter. Odd thing is when you meet Don Rickles, you want to be insulted by him. Upon their meeting, Don said to Seth, “I’m rarely this excited to meet someone,” followed by a roll of the eyes.
This past Saturday was a big Saturday Night Live show with some of the greats coming back to open the show with 5-time host Justin Timberlake. Seth repeats some of the jokes and ribbing that took place during rehearsal. It was very funny and Seth was getting good mileage tonight out of repeating lines from Rickles, Martin Short, Steve Martin and the like. Seth admits to feeling a bit cheated with the new Pope being elected while the SNL was off this weekend. He did enjoy the news coverage. It was like watching the ESPN coverage of the first round picks in the NFL draft. Analysts were commenting on the upside and downside of Cardinal Bergoglio being the #1 pick in the draft.
While Dave is idly chatting, a waiter in a red and white striped shirt enters with a tray of food. He begins to place the plates of the huge order-for-one on Dave’s desk.
WAITER: “Okaaaayyyy, here’s your loaded up potato skins, tostado nachos, extra guac, your Tuscan chicken flatbread, and a dozen boneless buffalo wings. Okay, and if you need anything else, I’m Brandon.”
DAVE: “I’m fine for now, but actually, I didn’t order any of this.”
WAITER: “Are you sure?”
DAVE: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”
WAITER: “Ugh, sorry about that. Rodney called in sick so I’m covering his tables for the lunch rush.”
DAVE: “That’s fine. I hope Rodney’s okay.”
WAITER: “Gotta run. I’ll be right back with your Bud Light.”
Brandon the waiter exits.
Dave calls out, unscripted, “But I don’t drink.”
Brandon stops just before he disappears in the skyline. I think we were all curious how Brandon would respond.
BRANDON THE WAITER: “ . . . . . OK.” (I think that’s what he said. I don’t really remember. But I liked it.
Potato skins to band
For your Photo Club: producer Mike Buczkiewicz and Michelle Obama
ANNOUNCE: “We’ll see you again Monday when Dave welcomes Selena Gomez, Bob Sarlatte, and Killer Mike. Best of luck to my parakeet, Leonard, who’s undergoing sexual reassignment surgery this weekend. Love you, buddy! Hang in there!”
Back from commercial, Dave commends Paul for his playing of “Vehicle” by “The Ides of March.” The Ides of March on The Ides of March.
Mr. Martin, very funny man. He has a Mitch Hedberg-like joke catalog. His new book, “Point Your Face At This” goes on sale next week. If you’re a fan of Gary Larson’s “The Far Side,” you’ll love this book.
From their new album, “Signed and Sealed in Blood,” Dropkick Murphys performed “Out of our Heads.”
And that was our show for Friday, March 15, 2013.
Now that you have had time to think about it, let’s say you were the waiter and as you were exiting Dave calls out unscripted to you about the Bud Light: “But I don’t drink!” What would you respond?
Me: “Then I’ll make it very light.”
Going into commercial following Brandon’s mis-delivery of Dave’s food, Paul and the band kicked in with “Vehicle” by, appropriately, The Ides of March. That was at the end of the ACT 4. During the audience sweep of ACT 5, we heard a different song being performed. And when we came back from commercial in the ACT 6 for comedian Demetri Martin, The Ides of March “Vehicle” was again heard. Dave congratulated Paul on the clever musical choice on this, the Ides of March.
Sharp-eared listeners would have noticed the “hole” in “Vehicle.” The ACT 5 song was different from the end of ACT 4 (“Vehicle”) and the beginning of ACT 6 (“Vehicle”). Here’s the story.
We often shoot the show out of order. At home you see something like the following:
ACT 4: more of the 1st guest or comedy (tonight – the waiter guy)
ACT 5: audience sweep and Alan billboarding the next day’s show.
ACT 6: new guest or comedy (tonight, Demetri Martin)
ACT 7 (or close): Music
When we tape the show, we save the audience sweep/ACT 5 for just before the music. This allows the crew more time to set up the music. So tonight, this is how we shot the show:
ACT 4: the waiter (Paul and the band begin “Vehicle”)
ACT 6: (coming back from commercial, the end of “Vehicle” – Dave comments) Demetri Martin.
As soon as Demetri was done, the stage crew begins to set up for music.
ACT 5: Audience sweep – the stage crew does not stop and continues to set up for music.
ACT 7: Music.
After the show in the edit room, the ACT 5 (audience sweep) is flip-flopped with the ACT 6 (Demetri Martin). Now you know more than your friends!
OH! You waited too long! The FabFaux is sold out in Glenside, Pennsylvania on March 23rd. Here is their upcoming schedule:
SOLD OUT: Glenside, PA - 3/23
'A Hard Day's Night' - Woonsocket, RI - 4/5
'A Hard Day’s Night' again, Northampton, MA - 4/6
'The White Album' - Ann Arbor, MI - 4/13
15th Anniversary Party! Montclair, NJ - 4/20
"Let It Be" - Bridgeport, CT - 4/27
And now one of the few things I do well, the recipe for my Irish Soda Bread.
IRISH SODA BREAD – for years my soda bread would be a big joke. I tried my best to make it good but it always came out bad. It was an annual try. And then I somehow became good at it. After years of trying, I now make the best Soda Bread. Here’s the recipe I follow after years of tweaking.
4 cups sifted all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
2 1/3 cup buttermilk
1/2 cup shortening or margarine (I use the shortening)
1 1/3 cup seedless raisins
1 or 2 Tbsp caraway seeds (if desired --- I don’t)
-Measure and sift together the flour/sugar/salt/baking powder/baking soda.
-Cut shortening into flour.
-Add raisins, caraway seeds, and buttermilk.
-Turn dough onto a well-floured board (I turn the dough while it’s still in the bowl. Makes for easier clean-up. The soda bread should be sticky and moist, not doughy)
-Grease up one of those cheap aluminum 9-inch pie tins with Crisco shortening. Powder it with a smidgen of flour.
-Dump in the soda bread
-Make a lengthwise and crosswise cut about 1/8 inch through the dough.
-Bake at 375 for 1 hour. Cool on rack.
Here’s my first plea to the New York Yankee YES Network. Future Hall of Famer Mariano Rivera missed much of last year due to a torn ACL. He’s been away and the fans have missed him. We are all well aware that this is his last year in Pinstripes . . . please . . . . I’m asking this well in advance . . . . take it into consideration NOW! . . . not after the fact . . . . when Mariano makes his return for a save in early April at Yankee Stadium for his first appearance since the injury . . . PLEASE don’t be in commercial for his jog in from the bullpen. Show some foresight. Don’t go to commercial in between innings. Show us his entrance. Show us his return. SHOW US! But I doubt you’ll be able to resist the commercial money.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From our research department, just to see if he reads this, it’s birthday boy Johnny “2 L’s” Klarl
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee