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Tuesday, March 19, 2013 Wahoo scribe "Cardinal Bertello" opens for the Pope.
Show #3823
Bill Cosby, Mikaela Shiffrin, and Garbage.
PLUS: What Lindsay Will Miss; "Pawn Stars"; "The Bible"; March Madness; the Pope's Opening Act; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . and now, the energy drink in human form . . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
- "Lindsay Lohan went to a nightclub after being sentenced to rehab. Gee, you think you know someone. . . ."
- Lindsay Lohan agreed to spend 90 days in locked rehab. She's going to miss a lot over three months. We take a look at one thing she'll definitely miss out on.

ART CARD: "Things Lindsay Lohan Will Miss While in Rehab"
ANNOUNCE: "Sunday, April 7th, at the Staples Center, It's the Poorly-Guarded Jewelry Expo. Open bar!"
I feel bad that Lindsay is going to miss that.

You a fan of the "Pawn Stars" on the TV? Dave saw something a bit odd on the show the other day that he isn't sure is proper.
We cut to the proprietor at the pawn shop in "Pawn Stars" Rick Harrison.
RICK: "How can I help you?"
We cut to see Pope Benedict at the Pawn Stars counter. The former Pope is hoping to pawn his ruby red slippers.
RICK: "We get religious items in here all the time, but something that actually belonged to the Pope, I have to assume these are really valuable."

You a fan of "The Bible" miniseries on the History Channel? It's a huge hit. Some people are claiming the devil in the series looks a lot like President Obama. We take a look at the devil in "The Bible." The audience laughs. Unfortunately, that wasn't the joke. That WAS the devil in "The Bible." We didn't make him to look like Obama; the producers of the miniseries did. But not only does the devil look like Obama, but the Vice-Devil looks like VP Joe Biden. We take a look. We see a hooded Joe Biden standing next to the devil in "The Bible." I think the devil looks more like Obama than Biden looks like Biden.

You a fan of the March Madness? Seems like everybody is. We take a look what transpired earlier today in St. Peter's Square . . . or is it a circle? We see Pope Francis on his balcony overlooking the throng. A basketball is thrown his way which he catches with one hand, much like the guy who caught the basketball on the Salute To Velcro Night on the old show. Pope Francis then hurls the basketball to a basketball hoop a half-mile away. Swish! A miracle shot. Even Pat Farmer said "Wow!"
My ear picked up a loose rim. May have helped the shot to go in. Yes, I know it was a swish, but still, it was a forgiving rim.

ACT 2:
Big day in the Vatican today for Pope Francis. He had his official inauguration into Popedom. Lots of pomp and fanfare. Dave isn't sure what they call it over there but the Pope had an "opening act" before he was crowned. We take a look.
We see on the Vatican balcony a Cardinal too good looking to be a Cardinal holding a ventriloquist dummy, also dressed as a Cardinal. The Cardinal speaks to his Cardinal dummy.
CARDINAL BERTELLO: "It's an exciting day here at the Vatican, isn't it, Cardinal Giuseppe?"
CARDINAL GUISEPPE DUMMY: "Sure is, Cardinal Bertello. I just met the lady who makes the pope's hat."
CARDINAL BERTELLO: "Oh . . . mitre?"
CARDINAL GUISEPPE DUMMY: "Mitre? I don't even know her!"
Rim shot. Vatican crowd responds joyously.
CARDINAL BERTELLO: "Bonum nocte, omnes!"
They exit.
The crowd seemed to love it. Dave was stunned silent.
DAVE: " . . . . . Really? . . . . . . . Seriously? . . . . . ."

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOU HAVE A SPECIAL CHICKEN
- A chicken in China laid an egg three times the normal size, which included two yolks and a fully developed egg inside. Dave is suspicious of China. He thinks they are up to something. And what is that? The one-egg omelet. When I was young, I used to hear chickens laying eggs that big in the basement of Lederle's.

SIGNS YOU HAVE A SPECIAL CHICKEN
10. Lays eggs and bacon
8. Holds a bachelor's degree in hotel management
6. Know when to invest in Apple and when to get the hell out
2. Regularly lays ping pong balls with the winning Lotto numbers.

ACT 3:
BILL COSBY
Dr. Bill enters to Paul's "Sweet Georgia Brown." Cosby soft steps over to Dave and then back to a waiting chair center stage. He sits to do some sit-down stand-up. He talks of the old and the young. The young don't realize that the old "used to be you." He then offers the look his wife gives when people ask, "Is he funny all the time?" What was the question again?
"Sweet Georgia Brown" is probably better known as the Harlem Globetrotter song. The song is infectious. Bill remembers playing a basketball game when younger in Wilmington, Delaware. His team from Philadelphia traveled to play at their place. During warm-ups, Bill's team went through the basic layup drill and practiced the two-handed set shot and two-handed bounce pass. But when "Sweet Georgia Brown" came on, they all went into their Globetrotter style of play . . . or attempted Globetrotter style of play. The warm-up drills broke down into complete failure at flair. Once the game began, Bill's Philly team was having their way with the team from Wilmington. But then over the P.A., "Sweet Georgia Brown" came on. And that was the end of Bill's team. The two-handed bounce pass became an around the back, around the head, look away pass . . . out of bounds. And so on and so on. The song got into their blood and they couldn't shake free. They got caught up in the music. Wilmington was undefeated at home and used this ploy against every team that traveled in. You can't help but react to the music. I don't think it's possible to take a two-handed set shot while listening to "Sweet Georgia Brown."

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "It would be a mistake to miss Dave tomorrow with Eva Mendes, comedian Andy Hendrickson, The Airborne Toxic Event, plus a special Top Ten list presented by IndyCar Series driver Graham Rahal. And now, a message from (decipherable mumble). Okay, I don't know who the sponsor is."

ACT 6:
MIKAELA SHIFFRIN
She's the first American woman in nearly 3 decades to capture the World Cup slalom title . . . and she's just 18. JUST 18, turning the magic number last Wednesday. Going into the final run in the slalom, it was down to Mikaela and Slovenia's Tina Maze. After her first run, she was already down by over a second, which is huge in the slalom. What was most disturbing for Mikaela was she had no idea what went wrong. Her run felt fine but she was down by a full second. She was unsure on what and where she had to improve. She went at the rest of the competition as if she had nothing to lose and ended up winning by 3/10s of a second, making up huge time in her final runs. Mikaela became the youngest World Cup slalom winner in 39 years.
Let's take a moment now to think what we were doing when we just turned 18.
Mikaela Shiffrin . . . ski fans know her, and now Late Show fans know her. And next year by this time the whole country will know her when she competes in the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.

ACT 7:
GARBAGE: From their CD, "Not Your Kind of People," Garbage performed "Battle In Me."

And that was our show for March 19, 2013.

Is this the first time two teams named the Gaels made the NCAA March Madness Tournament? Go Iona! Go St. Mary's!

A "Gael" is a person of Gaelic ancestry. The Gaels originated in Ireland and later spread to Scotland. At different times, versions of the word have been used to refer to warriors, raiders, or, simply, Irish people.

Yes, that was me as the Cardinal in the taped piece just before the Top Ten. I was the ventriloquist, not the dummy. Before going on, I asked a few people if they preferred my high-pitched ventriloquist voice or a lower, raspier voice. They told me to go with the high-pitch. I practiced for a while in the back of the theater during rehearsal to get comfortable holding the little fellow. I tied the string that made the mouth move into a tiny loop so my finger wouldn't slip out. I worked on my double-take following the dummy's quip and tried to get the dummy to look up at me while I looked down at him. I couldn't quite get the dummy to look my way without using too much effort. It looked too forced so I decided not to make the dummy look up. I would just do the double-take and leave it at that. I then practiced my exit. I waved before exiting. Looking in the mirror, I realized my wave was wrong. I was doing a Queen's wave, not a Pope wave. A Queen's wave is just a wrist-swivel. A Pope's wave is more of a bending of the elbow without moving the wrist at all. And you saw the results. I did the double-take on my own, as well as the wave. Neither was scripted for me to do so. We prepare quite a few pieces for every show and who knows why something is selected over another. Any slight little extra "oomph" without being obvious can make all the difference. Has to be subtle. Has to be subtle. Too much and it'll get shot down in a second.
There are no small parts, only small residuals.

My Lederle joke from above . . . it was in reference to the huge chicken egg.
"When I was young, I used to hear chickens laying eggs that big in the basement of Lederle's."
Lederle Labs was a huge employer in Rockland County, New York back in the day. They manufactured vitamins and drugs and stuff like that. It was always rumored that there were gigantic chickens in the basement of Lederle's from the testing and experimenting with the drugs. My joke was basically just for me and my friend Johnny.

Time now for "LATE SHOW THE DAY THEY WERE BORN!"
Mikaela Shiffrin was born on March 13, 1995.
So, what happened on the Late Show the day Mikaela Shiffrin was born?
Monday, March 13, 1995; Show #344
Guests: Matthew Broderick, Gloria Estefan, and Bev Tanner.
Plus: "Let's Look For Swedes"; Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Daytime Talk Show; Oscar Nightmare; and Dave puts a chocolate chip cookie on his forehead.
And that's what happened on the Late Show the day Mikaela Shiffrin was born.

The bad daytime talk show? I think it was in reference to The Jenny Jones Show.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Happy Birthday to Aunt Josephine in heaven. Happy St. Joseph's Day.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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