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Wednesday, March 20, 2013 Can Pope Francis and Pope Benedict live together without driving each other crazy?
Show #3824
Eva Mendes, Andy Hendrickson, The Airborne Toxic Event, and a Top Ten list presented by IndyCar Series driver Graham Rahal.
PLUS: March Madness is not for everybody; in support of gay marriage; the Pope is temporarily homeless; NCAA college losers; a Top Ten list; "Showbiz Weekend"; and on the phone with the Chairman of the House Budget Committee.

" . . . and now, master of the hook shot . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

It's March Madness and Dave saw a very interesting commercial on the TV. It makes you take a look at March Madness from another angle.
ANNOUNCE: (peppy) "It's March and that can only mean March Madness! Follow all the thrills, shockers, buzzer beaters, and the heartbreaks. It's going to be sick . . . . . (somber announce) . . . but for those you that have trouble dealing with the madness, try Xanax. We can help. Side effects may include drowsiness, dizziness, increased saliva production, or change in sex drive. . . . . (back to peppy) . . . That's March Madness, right here on CBS!"
2ND ANNOUNCE: "Xanax! Available at Walgreens!"

Earlier this week, Hillary Clinton came out in support of gay marriage. Some say the announcement lays the groundwork for a presidential run in 2016. Now another candidate is making a similarly bold announcement. We take a look. ANNOUNCE: "In an effort to bolster a presidential run in 2016, Hillary Clinton has announced her new support of same sex marriage. Well, possible 2016 presidential candidate Joe Biden would like to say not only is he in favor of same-sex marriage, but he's going the extra mile to show his support."
We cut to a shot of Biden and Obama sitting together. Slowly they move closer together and are about to kiss.
ANNOUNCE: "Joe Biden: All In."
I knew it!

The Vatican says the new Pope's apartment is being renovated and won't be ready for several weeks. Fortunately, Pope Francis has found over living arrangements in the meantime. We watch.
ANNOUNCE: ("Odd Couple" music) "On March 13th, Pope Francis was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from the Vatican. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend Pope Benedict XVI. Can two Pontiffs share an apartment without driving each other crazy?"
We see Pope Benedict and Pope Francis. Benedict tosses a cigar stogie on the ground. Pope Francis picks it up with the point of his umbrella.
ART CARD: "The Infallible Couple."
ANNOUNCE: "Coming this fall to CBS!"
Sighs Dave, "It's fun to have a new Pope. We get to use all the old Pope material."

"Sixty-eight schools are in the NCAA tournament. That means there are hundreds that just don't have what it takes. Tonight we prepared a segment entitled, "March Madness Losers!"
ANNOUNCE: "CalTech has a miserable basketball team with a 1-24 record this season. CalTech professor and students are pursuing advances in solar energy, computers, and quantum mechanics that will brighten our future. LOSERS! This has been ‘March Madness Losers.' Watch the tournament here on CBS!"

ACT 2:
Time to check in with Bruce and Linda to see what' coming up on "Showbiz Weekend!"
Bruce and Linda used to host the "Weekend Late Show" but the show was canceled since no one watches TV on the weekend. Plus, it stinks and impossible to watch. But they've managed to get hired to do another show, "Showbiz Weekend," about the goings-on of Hollywood's biggest stars and names. It's like that "Access Hollywood" show. "Showbiz Weekend" gets to the stuff "Access Hollywood" doesn't have time for. We take a look at what's in store this weekend on "Showbiz Weekend."
LINDA: "Thanks, Dave. Big celebrity birthdays this weekend --- Chaka Khan, Marty Allen, and fashion designer Kenneth Cole all mark the occasion. We'll have them on the phone for a star-studded conference call."
BRUCE: "That's quite a power trio, Linda. I'll be on location in Pacoima, California, at the Hansen Dam Municipal Golf Course to kick off our 1st Annual Showbiz Weekend Pro-Am Driving Range Competition."
LINDA: "And I understand all the proceeds to towards litter prevention?"
BRUCE: "Yeah, it's a great cause. We're hoping to buy a bunch of trash cans!"
LINDA: "Wonderful. It's also time once again for Publicists' Corner, where we invite some of the top publicists into our studio to tell us all about their superstar clients' upcoming projects."
BRUCE: ""All that, plus celebrity cat scans, sunglasses that may you look, and feel, famous, and ‘Which TV Tough Guy Is Actually Allergic To Nuts?" . . . . Saturday, on ‘Showbiz Weekend.'"
LINDA: "Back to you, Dave."
Dave offers this ringing endorsement, "It's awful! Pitiful!" That's not good because there is nothing awful or pitiful on TV today.

TOP TEN: THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR OVER YOUR TEAM RADIO DURING A RACE
– And here to present tonight's Top Ten list, from Rahal Letterman Lanigan racing, IndyCar Series driver Graham Rahal.
10. "Are you in the red car or the green car?"
9. "I love you."
8. "
7. "Why aren't you answering my texts?"
6. "You're listening to 90.3 FM, Rio's number one for Samba."
5. "How long was I asleep?"
4. "We just got a new sponsor - - - Carnival Cruises"
3. "What do you want?"
2. "Who's a good race car driver? You are! Yes, you are!"
1. "Dude, you're going the wrong way!"
-The 2013 IndyCar Series season debuts Sunday March 24th at the Honda Grand Prix of St. Petersburg.
-Also driving for Rahal Letterman Lanigan is James Jakes.
And I added this hoping to get something out of Dave.
-Graham will be appearing on the Rachael Ray Show next week. (DING) I figured Dave could aim some good-natured ribbing at Graham for going on Rachael Ray.

ACT 3:
EVA MENDES

She stars in the new film, "The Place Beyond The Pines." Dave has heard Eva has a dog that would give Sully a run for its money. She has a Belgian Malinois, a trained killer. It is the dog that got Osama bin Laden. Not THE dog, but the breed. Dave says, "Yeah, but that's what he tells everybody." Eva got the dog from Belgium and she says, "All he wants to do is kill for me . . . he's so sweet!" Yeah, I've seen boyfriends like that. Eva feels a bit sorry for her dog Hugo because he has nothing to kill. She feels Hugo is getting very frustrated. Yeah, I've seen boyfriends like that, too. Eva says she has a command for Hugo to kill but would rather not say it. That's a good idea, says Dave, just in case Hugo is watching at home. Dave says his Sully gets hold of loose wild animals quite often. Getting rid of the carcass is always a hassle. The Canada goose is easiest to dispose of, though. Dave demonstrates by motioning the swinging of a lasso overhead.

"The Place Beyond The Pines" – starring Eva, Bradley Cooper, and Ryan Gosling. It opens March 29th in selected cities.

Going into commercial, Paul and the band perform "Viva Las Vegas" - - - Viva for Eva . . . Vegas for Mendes. "Viva Las Vegas" was the best of Elvis's bad movies.

ACT 4:
On the phone is Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin, former VP candidate and chairman of the House Budget Committee. Dave picks up the phone and greets Congressman Ryan.
RYAN: "Hey."
DAVE: "So, Congressman, how do you feel since the election?"
RYAN: "As you can imagine, it was a big shock when we didn't win."
DAVE: "I'll bet. Now, you just released your budget. How is your economic vision different from the President's?"
RYAN: "I really didn't pay attention to this, so I have no thoughts on the matter whatsoever."
DAVE: "I'm sorry? Can you tell us anything about your budget?"
RYAN: "I literally don't know the answers to these questions."
DAVE: "OK. Is there something you'd like to talk about?"
RYAN: "Yes. It's called muscle confusion and cross-training."
DAVE: "I'm sorry . . . What was that?"
RYAN: "It's a workout I've been doing for a year and a half now. It hits your body in many different ways; pull ups, pushups, sit ups, lots of cardio, karate, jump training, yoga . . ."
DAVE: "That sounds very challenging."
RYAN: "I gave up fear for Lent this year."
DAVE: "Is that right? Well, good luck to you, Congressman."
RYAN: "The point is: I keep my body fat between 6 and 9 percent."
DAVE: "That's great. Well, thanks for taking the time."
RYAN: "Thanks. Appreciate it. Nice to meet you in person."
Hangs up.

Halfway through I sensed Dave was hoping for a bad connection.

Going into commercial as part of the Late Show Photo Club, we see a trading card of Alan Kalter with Masters Champion Bubba Watson.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE:

"Look at those poor, ignorant saps. They have no idea that tomorrow Dave will welcome Tina Fey, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and Solange. But you do! Plan accordingly.

ACT 6:
ANDY HENDRICKSON

Making his network television debut, stand-up comedian Andy Hendrickson likes going to the airport. It's the only place you can see really fat and out of shape people running as fast as they can. He also hopes to someday be in a traditional marriage.
Andy performs regularly at the Comedy Cellar right here in New York City.

ACT 7:
THE AIRBORNE TOXIC EVENT

From their current EP, "The Secret," The Airborne Toxic Event performed "Timeless."

And that was our show for Wednesday, March 20, 2013.

Sorry if this is late. I've been busy all morning trying to balance an egg.

I'm sitting home last night trying to find something I like I like on the TV. Fifth time around I decided to stop on the TCM. "Orchestra Wives" (1942) was on. The title of the movie meant nothing to me but it was nearing the end and I saw the beginning of "I Got A Gal in Kalamazoo." It was a great performance, loads of fun. And then it all ended with a dance number by the Nicholas Brothers. My eyes popped when I saw their entrance as I am familiar with them from "Stormy Weather." Their final dance scene in "Stormy Weather" is the greatest stepping ever captured on celluloid. Well, "I Got A Gal in Kalamazoo," sung here by Marion Hutton, with Tex Beneke on the horn, the Modernaires doing the backup, and accompanied by the great Glenn Miller Orchestra got me hooked on the Big Band sound once again. Big bands of the 40s get their hooks into me every now and then. Reading up on "Orchestra Wives" and I find that Jackie Gleason made an appearance, here in 1942, playing bass. So, yeah, Big Bands are back. I'll be tapping my foot to the Big Band sound right into April. And then when that was over, they showed 20 minutes of headline bands of the era to fill out the hour. I was sad when that was over so I began more revolutions around the channels. I stopped at a special on Oscar Hammerstein. I've never been much a fan of the Broadway musicals but I really enjoyed this show. At 55, I guess it's about time I finally get know more about the Broadway greats. Hello, Netflix! I'll be ordering up the Oklahoma and the South Pacific and The King and I and other great musicals for some home viewing on my big screen on the projection TV in the basement.

And this all got me to thinking. I mentioned this a while ago but it struck a chord last night. I have a theory that too many TV channels, having too much available, is not necessarily a good thing. It can actually be limiting! Let's say I'm a basketball fan and a baseball fan. Just about any day of the year, any time of day, I can find a game somewhere on the TV. I'll go straight to that and that's what I'll watch. That's the way it is today. Growing up in the 60s, it wasn't like that at all. I like baseball. I like basketball. Back in the 60s, it wasn't often you would find either one on the TV on a cold, rainy Saturday afternoon. We only had 7 channels to choose from. We would flip through the channels, find no game, but see that Wide World of Sports was covering bowling. OK, it's not basketball and it's not baseball but it is a sport and it is competition. That would have to do. And by this, I became familiar with bowling. See that? Limited TV broadened by knowledge. Today I would have found a basketball game or baseball game. I would have watched that instead of bowling. But then I would never know of Earl Anthony or Dick Weber or Marshall Holman or Chris Schenkel.
More channels are good IF you are willing to use them all. If you're not careful, more channels and options can pigeon-hole you.
And that's a memo.

This week's previously-viewed programs – we will be in repeats Thursday and Friday due to the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament. It's my favorite time of year and I'm not even much of a basketball fan.
THURSDAY: From February 27, 2013; #3816 – Tina Fey, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and Solange.
FRIDAY: From February 18, 2013; #3809 – David Spade, Kenny LIcklider, and Aaron Neville. PLUS: Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Abraham Lincoln
Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's Indiana Cowgirl, Traci Gilland
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Tuesday, April 22
Dave and "the new kid" pose for a selfie.
Monday, April 21
Dave's grandpa gives new meaning to "Hammertime."
Wednesday, April 9
How does Lindsay Lohan like her scrambled eggs?
Tuesday, April 8
Dave guarantees his retirement with a signature.
Friday, April 4
LiV Warfield raises the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater.