CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Monday, March 25, 2013 Another Jimmy in late-night?
Show #3825
James Franco, Andrew Borracchini, and Ed Sheeran.
PLUS: the new heart attack app; Pope's a basketball fan; make your own Peep; a Top Ten list, and Guess The Squeaks!

" . . . and now, made without yeast . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"I don't get this. CBS is asking me to change my name to Jimmy."
-"Do you realize the average American citizen works 6 months a year for the government? Government workers don't even do that."

Life is always changing, usually for the better. Have you heard about this new device that you can implant in your body that will alert you if you are about to have a heart attack? We take a look at this commercial for the product.
ANNOUNCE: "A heart attack can hit without warning, but now there's a mobile application that has you covered. Introducing ‘Heart Alert', a tiny implant that sends an urgent signal to your smart phone when a heart attack strikes." We see a sample of it working.
ANNOUNCE: "Now with convenient snooze button!" See a hand turning off the alert.
ANNOUNCE: "Heart Alert. Only in the App Store."

We learn new things about Pope Francis every day. Who knew he was such a basketball fan? Did you see him last week speaking before throngs?
We find Pope Francis on his balcony.
POPE FRANCIS: "It's fun to say ‘Gonzaga' Try it, ‘Gonzaga!'"
CROWD: "Gonzaga!"
POPE FRANCIS: "Gonzaga!"
CROWD: "Gonzaga!"
POPE FRANCIS: "Now, just the ladies."
LADIES IN THE CROWD – "Gonzaga!"

For your files: Sitting in for Anton Fig tonight: Shawn Pelton.

ACT 2:
Excited for Easter? I am! You know what Easter means, right? Peeps! Dave holds up a pack of Peeps. As you can imagine, the price of Peeps peeks during the Easter season. Well, there is a way around that. Dave demonstrates. He takes out a bowl of marshmallows. He takes out a yellow highlighter. He takes out a black sharpie. He shapes the marshmallow into a Peep shape, colors it yellow, then polka-dots the eyes. He then eats it . . . then delicately spits it out. Yup, tastes just like Peeps, too!!

TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE POPES' LUNCH – Pope Francis and Pope Emeritus Benedict met for lunch the other day.
8. "What would Jesus order?"
7. "Who do you have to canonize to get some coffee around here?"
6. "I know I'm infallible, but I should've gone with the chicken."

Before going to commercial, we see the fine work from our graphics department. On the marquee out on Broadway we now see it reads: "The Late Show with Jimmy Letterman!"

ACT 3:
JAMES FRANCO

James is currently starring in two films now playing, "Spring Breakers" and "Oz The Great and Powerful." Oz is the number 1 film in America which makes James happy. He was Oz, after all. A lot of money went into the production of Oz and it's nice to see it make its money back.
Selena Gomez was on the show recently and it is a bit of a surprise to see her in a film such as "Spring Breakers." It's a creepy and scary movie especially for parents who send their daughters down south for Spring Break. There is a chance they may run into a character such as the one James Franco plays. The director of "Spring Breakers" is Harmony Korine. Mr. Korine had been a guest on the Late Show 3 or 4 times but then, pffft, no more. He hasn't been invited back since. What happened? James says the rumor is he was supposed to be on the same night at Meryl Streep and backstage before the show, Harmony pushed her. Says Franco, "And that will get you bounced from the show." Dave jumps in, "Not necessarily." Dave tells the true story. Before the show that night, Dave went up to Meryl's dressing room to greet her and thank her for coming by to do the show. But Meryl wasn't there. She was in makeup and hair. When Dave opened the door he found Hamony going through Meryl's purse. Yup, that's what happened. Dave told him he had to leave immediately. And that's that. But enough time has elapsed that Mr. Korine is now welcomed back.
"Spring Breakers" – it's in theaters now. Girls, if you want to go to Spring Break, don't tell your parents about it. Parents, if you want a reason to keep your girls home from Spring Break, go see it tomorrow.

ACT 4:
While at the desk, Dave is interrupted by an air horn.
DAVE: "What is that?"
ALAN: "Dave, that sound means it's time to test your NCAA basketball knowledge by playing ‘Guess The Squeaks!'"
Music blast from the band.
ALAN: "Dave, you'll hear audio of an NCAA tournament basketball game with sneaker squeaks, and you'll have to identify the teams and the year."
DAVE: "That sounds impossible."
ALAN: "Get ready, Dave! Here come the squeaks!"
We hear audio of sneaker squeaks on a gymnasium floor. This goes on for a few seconds.
ALAN: "Dave, we need your answer."
DAVE: "I actually think I know this. That's the 2007 regional semi-final game between Kansas and the Salukis of Southern Illinois."
BUZZ
ALAN: "Oh, I'm sorry, Dave. That was the 2007 tournament, but it was the regional final game between Kansas and UCLA!"
Wah-wah from the band.
DAVE: "Ohh, no! I feel so stupid now. Damn!"
ALAN: "Good try! And that's how we play ‘Guess The Squeaks!'"

Dave actually got the Kansas sneaker squeaks. He misidentified the UCLA sneakers for Salukis.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "More TV fun tomorrow as Dave welcomes Brian Williams, and Pegi Young and the Survivors. Reminder to residents of Colorado and Washington: You may now legally smoke Easter grass. See you in a moment."

ACT 6:
ANDREW BORRACCHINI

He's the 2013 National Grocers Association Best Bagger Champion. Our champ is from the Metropolitan Market in the Admiral district of Seattle, Washington. He's been at the supermarket for 2 1/2 years, following in the footsteps of his sister. Dave, a former grocery worker, proclaims the grocery bagger is the heart and soul of the American food industry. Andrew won "Best Bagger" last month in the annual competition in Las Vegas. Competitors are scored on Speed, structure of the bag, equal weight distribution among the bags, and personality of the bagger. Dave knowingly shakes his head and says he always came up short in the personality category. Andrew earned $10,000 for his title. Dave says he would have taken the winnings and gone right down to the casino and put it all on ‘black.'
Dave and Andrew compete in a bagging competition. Paper bags are rarely used anymore and are not included in the competition. This saddens me for no other reason that we don't get to enjoy Dave's "Double Eagle." Biff enters and shoots off the starting pistol. Dave and Andrew quickly bag but it soon becomes apparent that Dave has a home field advantage. He swipes all the items off his table and 3 pre-packed bags are lowered from above. Ta-da! Dave remains undefeated.
Congratulations, Andrew, on your title of Best Bagger 2013.

ACT 7:
ED SHEERAN

From his new album, "Plus," Ed Sheeran on acoustic performed "Lego House." From the crowd outside the theater, I believe he's the new thing!

And that was our show for Monday, March 25, 2013.

I got this from my daughters when I got home tonight: "Dad! Why didn't you tell us Ed Sheeran was on the show tonight? And James Franco! He's hot!" Sorry, Andrew, nothing about you.

The Late Show with Jimmy Letterman . . . . Jimmy Letterman. That sounded familiar to me. I checked my files:
October 24, 1995 – Cold Open in the green room – Dave and Paul - Dave changes name to Jimmy Letterman – with the Jimmy Letterman Singers.
I'm not sure if I should feel proud to remember that, or just sad.
I also have something from November 21, 1997 – Names of Interns: with Jimmy Letterman. Not sure what that was.
And Jimmy Letterman sitting in with the band – July 14, 1997. Could have been Creepy Dave.

I picked #15 FGCU to beat #2 Georgetown in the first round of the NCAA March Madness, thank you very much. And I picked LaSalle to win their first two games, but not 3! Go, Explorers! I also picked Wisconsin to win the whole thing.

I played the $300 million Power Ball for the Saturday night drawing. I only play when it reaches a quarter-billion. I woke on Sunday morning to hear the sole winner was from New Jersey. HEY! I bought my ticket in New Jersey! I knew it was me. Who else could it be?! I ran out to get the newspaper at the end of the driveway and grabbed my Power Ball ticket off the fridge. The first number, YES! Keep going . . . . . and that was it. I had no more numbers. But I was oh so close!!
And then that afternoon I went to the Sparkill Volunteer Firehouse to attend a dinner/raffle drawing. Denise had bought a $100 fundraising raffle ticket from our volunteer neighbor. With the purchase of a ticket you also got to enjoy a Sunday evening buffet. The simple hors d'oeuvres fare was delicious and gave me ideas for some summer barbecuing. Time for the drawing . . . . . 2nd prize! A thousand bucks! We won the 2nd prize of $1000. Not a bad return on the investment, plus dinner! When we got home we told the good news to our future finance wizard, Danielle. She calmly told us, "You know you only really won $900, right?"

I had a winning ticket on Sunday . . . just not the Power Ball winning ticket. Oh, and I bought a $5 lottery ticket a month ago for the first time ever. It turned out to be a $50 winner. Good things come in 3's. I think I'll play one of the lower lottery games with a better chance to win than the Power Ball.

I've asked this lottery question before but no one has ever come up with a satisfactory answer. Your Power Ball numbers the computer spits out for you . . . if you don't pick your own . . . . come from one centralized computer. The numbers are picked purely by random. If the eventual winner bought his ticket on Friday at 8:14 PM and 29.134 seconds, if I had gotten in there at that precise moment just in front of the winner, would I have gotten those numbers instead of him? I think so. Therefore, I am more interested in the precise time the winner gets his ticket. Instead of saying I got only one number, I could say I missed winning a quarter-billion dollars by one-thousandth of a second.

Chag Sameach.

9 months ‘til Christmas, so if you want a Christmas baby . . . .

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his 21st birthday on Tuesday the 26th, from the Rochester Institute of Technology, it's my nephew Kevin McIntee

This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, July 21
The Late Show turns into "MacArthur Park" for one night.
Friday, July 18
Intern Todd has fun at the 2014 All-Star Game.
Wednesday, July 16
Emma Stone sees dead quarters.
Tuesday, July 15
Liv Tyler pumps gas during her cross-country RV road trip.
Monday, July 14
Sue Hum doesn't bake, but she offers Dave a taste of her beater.