Brian Williams and Pegi Young & The Survivors.
PLUS: The Sequester, a Guy Doesn't Get the Joke; a CBS NCAA Promo; Are You a Cop; a Top Ten list; and Dave Talks to Teens.
" . . . and now, the first sign of Spring . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "President Obama named 5 new national monuments. 3 Parks, a forest, and Kim Kardashian's ass. How many have been there?"
- "The White House seder is an annual tradition. Yesterday, the President pardoned a brisket. What?"
Enjoying the sequester? Seems like the only ones hurting so far are the kids who want to go on the White House tour. They are paying for our debt now and they'll be paying again when the debt comes due. Many air traffic control towers are also being shut down due to lack of funds. Airports are already making adjustments. We take a look.
How are the airports adjusting to the elimination of air traffic control towers? They are hiring actors to dress as police officers to direct pretend-plane traffic while standing on a ladder. Well, at least someone is benefiting from the sequester.
DAVE: "On Sunday, Pope Francis celebrated his second mass as the new head of the Catholic church. Then he went out for a nice brunch with his wife, Peggy." We hear an interruption in the audience.
GUY: "Whoa! Whoa! Wait a second! Hold on. Hey! Whoa! Excuse me!"
DAVE: "What? Did somebody . . . yes? What? What did you say?"
GUY: "What did you say?"
DAVE: (Dave repeats the joke) "I said that the pope celebrated his second mass on Sunday, and then he went to brunch with his wife, Peggy."
GUY: "Alright, smart guy . . . . the pope doesn't have a wife named Peggy."
DAVE:"Yes, I know that."
GUY: "But the pope's wife is not named Peggy . . . . He doesn't have a wife."
DAVE: "Yes, I know that. You're right."
GUY: "Then why the hell did you say it?"
DAVE: "It was just a joke."
GUY: "Oh . . . I see . . .
DAVE: "It was just a joke."
GUY: "Uh huh . . . . .I didn't get it . . ." Slowly sitting back down.
DAVE: "A joke."
GUY: "It just sounded like nonsense . . . ."
Well, at least he got that last part right.
The NCAA March Madness Tournament is down to the Sweet 16. Dave saw this CBS promo for the upcoming games.
ANNOUNCE: "It's March Madness here on CBS as we're down to the final 16 teams. Wichita States plays LaSalle, Arizona takes on Ohio State, Marquette battles Miami and Indiana faces Syracuse. Then Duke against Michigan State, Louisville plays Oregon, Kansas battle Michigan and Florida takes on tournament Cinderella Florida Gulf Coast University. Then LaSalle faces Ohio State as Indiana takes on Miami. Duke plays Louisville and Kansas goes up against Florida for a trip to the Final Four. Then Louisville battles Ohio State and Kansas plays Indiana. And finally, Louisville defeats Indiana to win the national championship. The NCAA on CBS!"
The least they could have done was preface the promo with "Spoiler Alert!"
Not sure how or why went off on this tangent but he recalls watching a Julia Child cooking show. Dave does an impression Julia Child introducing a guest:
Julia: "Stopping by to prepare his famous dessert, Chocolate Dooglass, is chef Dooglass Dooglass, from his restaurant, 'Dooglass.'" Dave doesn't understand why someone would name their child the same name as their last name. If your last name is "Douglas," then don't name your child "Douglas."
At this point I said to myself, "Oh, damn. I wish our first guest's first name was Bill.
A uniformed police officer enters.
COP: "Excuse me, are you Dave Letterman?"
DAVE: "Uh, yes, I am."
COP: "You're in big trouble."
DAVE: "Oh, no I'm not. I'm not in big trouble, and you're not a cop, are you?"
COP: " . . . . no, I'm not."
DAVE: "Right. You're a stripper, aren't you!"
DAVE: "Get out. Leave."
Should I be offended? I'm often cast as a cop on the show. Not for this bit. Why? Is it because I wouldn't have been believable as a stripper? How do you think that makes me feel?
TOP TEN: SIGNS YOUR PILOT IS A FAKE - A passenger aboard a US Airways 747 in West Palm Beach was found sitting in the cockpit claiming to be the pilot.
10. His wrinkled Pan Am uniform.
7. He's also in the Skymall magazine modeling hats.
6. Refers to every control in the cockpit as a 'doo-hickey.'
Why is it that I find a news guy to be our funniest guest? Dave is curious about the goings on at the old place, NBC. Seems like the "Today" show is going kablooey with the Matt Lauer and Ann Curry troubles and now all of a sudden the "Tonight" show is in the news about who will be hosting a year from now and Dave rambles to put out the conspiracy that the "Tonight" show problems is simply "to take our mind off the 'Today' show trouble and if I'm on to something, blink twice." Brian doesn't bite and sits there without a fidget.
Where were you 10 years ago tonight? Not many of us know, but Mr. Williams was in Iraq. He was aboard a helicopter and flying over uncharted territory. Of the 4 helicopters on the mission, 2 were hit by enemy fire. The four choppers descended and waited. They were too far north of our invading forces. They were alone. Luckily, a military crew lead by Tim Terpak arrived and led them to safety. Without his help, Brian would have been a goner. Dave asks to be in a situation like that as a news guy, is it a place you want to be or is it a "Holy Crap" situation. Brian Williams says it was more of the latter. Dave praises Brian for his bravery and successful conclusion to the ordeal but Brian says he was merely an accidental tourist. He was nothing but an extra. It was the men and women of the military who did the great work.
The Supreme Court is in session and hearing oral arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. The right decision is inevitable, but wonders if it will happen now. The Supreme Court doesn't move fast, but it also doesn't want to be on the wrong side of history at this defining moment.
nd what's the story of his being a possibility as the new host of "Jeopardy!"? Brian says his people were approached by their people and a feeler was offered. Brian says he has way too much on his plate at the moment and has no thoughts to being the new host when Alex Trebek steps down. As we go to commercial, we see what Mr. Williams would look like as the host of the best game show on TV, morphing into a shot Brian in an Alex Trebek mustache as the host of "Jeopardy."
Is Art Fleming still alive? How about bringing him back as host of "Jeopardy"? If I ruled the world, the only requirement I would place on the new host is that he or she would have to say when time expires in Final Jeopardy: "Time is up, pens are down."
ANNOUNCE: "It'll be a good one tomorrow, as Dave welcomes Donald Trump, comedian Gary Gulman, and Wavves. A special hello to everyone tuning in tonight on their CB radios! 10-4, good buddy!"
Back from commercial, we find Dave sitting at the desk surrounded by a bunch of teens.
Art Card: "Dave Letterman's Straight Talk For Teens"
ANNOUNCE: "Frank, honest advice for the youth of today, from a voice they respect."
DAVE: (giving fatherly advice) "Hi, kids. How are you? Thank you very much for coming tonight. I want to talk to you young men and women about something I think is very important. By a show of hands, who has felt pressure, peer group pressure in school . . . to join a gang?" (A few raise their hand) Hands go up.) "That's more than I would have guessed. A lot of times people say to me, 'Dave, what is the 411 on gangs?' Let me tell you . ..and I want you to think hard about this . . . examine it . . . turn it over in your head for awhile . . . but please remember this: Don't join a gang. Don't join a gang without absolute, complete permission from your parents." Dave pauses to let that sink in. Then he speaks language of the kids:
ANNOUNCE: " 'Dave Letterman's Straight Talk for Teens' is produced by the National Council of Churches."
PEGI YOUNG & THE SURVIVORS: From her current album, "Bracing For Impact," Pegi Young & The Survivors performed "Feel Just Like A Memory."
And that was our show for Tuesday March 26, 2013.
I always enjoy the grocery bagging competition we have on the show. You can tell Dave appreciates the work they do. Do you bag your own when you go to the supermarket? I do, simply to keep things moving along. It's my impatience. I'll bag till near the end. Then I'll swipe my card into the machine and sign off while the cashier bags the final items. I take pride in finishing my scribble on the credit card machine just as the last item is placed in the bag. I try to keep the refrigerated items with the refrigerated item and boxed stuff with the boxed. I don't mind over-bagging as I feel the fewer bags I have the more likely I'll be able to bring them all in the house in one trip. The other day when I successfully completed a 7-bag, single-carry into the house, my daughter - a veteran of the local A&P supermarket looked upon the bagging and gasped, "Who bagged this for you?" She was shocked at the awfulness of it all. It was over packed, unbalanced, a complete mish-mosh. She would have never let me leave her A&P with bags like that. I told her I did it myself and I could read her displeasure. She wasn't pleased. She wanted to re-bag the groceries right there in the house.
I'm the same way with the dishwasher.
And now, my annual supermarket story. It was many years ago. I was visiting a friend in California. Denise and I were staying at her place and so I felt it was my duty to do the grocery shopping as a form of payment. The first day there I picked up food and beer for the day. At the checkout line, the cashier asked, "Paper or plastic?" I was confused by the query and figured the question was in reference to my form of payment: cash or credit card . . . paper or plastic. I said with confidence, "Cash." I received a look of confusion. The question was asked again and again I said, "Cash." I got my stuff, paid my money, and out I went. This happened on the 2nd day and again on the 3rd and 4th. Not until the end of the week did I realize the question of "paper or plastic" was in reference to the bags. Did I want paper bags or plastic bags.
So close . . . . this week's shows are number 3825, 2826, and 3827. March 25th was numbered 3825, a perfect match for 3/25 . . .except for the 8. Same held true on 3/26 and 3/27. It's been bothering me all week.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Living off his son's baseball success, from Mooresville, North Carolina, it's Vinny Fucci
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee