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Wednesday, March 27, 2013 One lucky audience member pats down Dave. Was he carrying anything suspicious?
Show #3827
Donald Trump, Gary Gulman, and Wavves.
PLUS: March Madness; Taste this!; a scene from "The Bible"; Dave gets a pat-down; Showbiz Weekend; a Top Ten list; and Prove Me Wrong with Alan Kalter.

" . . . and now, the architect of the Trans-Alaska pipeline . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"Easter is this weekend. One small incident marred last Easter Sunday. Chris Christie had an impacted Peep."
-"Pope Benedict and Pope Francis had lunch together last week. The waiter, Scott, told them he was an aspiring Pope."

Have you been watching the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament? Many fans are criticizing the referees for making bad calls in key moments.
Dave thinks they may have a point. We take a look at this clip. See if you don't notice the blatant bias on the one referee.
We see an opening jump ball. It goes to the ref who shoots from beyond half court for a swish and 3 points for one of the teams. Not fair.
And while the NCAA is investigating this, they should check into the guy who is in charge of running the shot clock.

A chef enters in his white chef jacket. He is holding a pot of sauce and a wooden spoon.
DAVE: "Oh, hello."
CHEF: "Taste this." He offers Dave a taste from the wooden spoon.
DAVE: "What?"
CHEF: "Go ahead, taste it!"
DAVE: "I'd rather not."
CHEF: "I said taste it!!"
DAVE: "Uhhh, ok." Dave tastes. "Hey, not too bad."
CHEF: "How do you feel?"
DAVE: "How do I feel?"
CHEF: "Yeah, how do you feel?"
DAVE: "Fine, I guess."
The chef begins to laugh.
CHEF: "Fine. Ha ha ha ha. ‘Fine' he says. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."
The chef exits laughing.
CHEF: "'Fine, I guess . . . . ."

No one is quite sure who that guy was.

Have you been watching "The Bible" on the History Channel? Seems like everyone is. Last Sunday they showed Jesus's first miracle. Dave thinks the mini-series is fudging a bit on the "facts" simply to appeal to the television audience. We take a look at the first miracle attributed to Jesus.
We find Jesus in the interior of Arnold's Malt Shop. Jesus bangs on the jukebox. The jukebox suddenly comes on. No coin is used. It's a miracle.

The closest I ever came to such a miracle was at a gas station I used to go to. If you pressed two buttons on the soda machine at the exact same time, sometimes two sodas would come out.

Dave throws to commercial, but remembers something at the last second . . . the cop in the audience. During the pre-show Q&A, Dave noticed a guy in the audience wearing a t-shirt declaring him to be a police officer. I missed the Q&A but I imagine he made a request to give Dave a pat-down, or perhaps it's something Dave requested. Either way, while Paul and the band played us into commercial, we saw the cop from the audience run up on stage to pat Dave down. Dave was clean.

ACT 2:
It was awful when it was on the weekend during the day and it is awful now. The Weekend Late Show was putrid and the new "Weekend Showbiz" is just as bad. But that's what TV aims for. We take a look to see what's coming up this weekend on "Weekend Showbiz" with Bruce and Linda.
Split screen – Bruce is in Hollywood; Linda is in the studio in New York.
LINDA: "Thanks, Dave. Have you ever wondered which of today's top stars still pack their own lunch? We'll have a list of brown-baggers, from Broadway to Beverly Hills, and recipes you can try at home."
BRUCE: "I'm already hungry! Hey, gingivitis is no laughing matter, but comedy club owner Ed Abbey has a history of it in his family, so he's taking early steps to protect his gums. We can all learn something from this story."
LINDA: "So true. That's so important. We've also got all the latest dating gossip --- are you ready? Forget ‘Brangelina' and ‘Kimye' and get ready for ‘Witherspiner' and ‘Trumpantino'!"
BRUCE: "All that, plus becoming a paparazzo, conspiracy theories that make sense, and ‘Do any celebrities still read books?' Tomorrow on ‘Showbiz Weekend.'"

DAVE: "It's awful!"
Dave isn't a fan of the show, nor of Bruce and Linda. But they bring in the numbers and that's all that counts.

TOP TEN: QUESTIONS ON THE DOG IQ TEST – A North Carolina company has developed an I.Q. test for dogs to reveal their cognitive abilities.
9. If a car is moving at 30 mph and you chase it at 15 mph, how soon will you catch it? (trick question – unless they are traveling towards each other, the answer would be ‘never.')
7. What is it, boy? Trouble at the mill?

Whenever my wife and I re-create scenes from Lassie, I would do Timmy Martin. I would use the above line, but with "creek" instead of "mill."
-"What is it, boy? Trouble down by the creek? Let me get my truck!" I don't know . . . is that TMI?

I suggest anyone who decides to pay to have an IQ test administered to their dog should get an IQ test of their own. My money would be on the dog.

ACT 3:
DONALD TRUMP

He's a dad and a granddad, and he's loving it. Dave and the Donald share stories of the joy of fatherhood. Dave says Donald's been in the news of late with some of his controversial twittering. Dave asks if his kids ever sort of told him to knock it off. Donald says, "Not really. They love me and they want to make sure I leave everything to them."

Donald was involved in the recent Conservative CPAC meeting to discuss the Republican/Conservative party platforms and how to organize their next presidential campaign. Dave feels the Republican Party has lost its way and is no longer in touch with the rank and file of the American people. Donald doesn't necessarily agree with that and says the Republicans only need to pick the right candidate. The last election was very winnable but Mitt Romney didn't resonate with the voters.

How's the economy doing? Donald says property is hot right now, at least the high-end properties. Donald is doing very well in Florida, but that is mostly due to the influx of money from Brazil and Argentina and Venezuela. Will the economy rebound? Donald isn't pleased with the direction the country is going. But mostly it's the Chinese fault.

Donald Trump – look for his All-Star Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday nights on NBC.

ACT 4:
Here's something we prepared to fill time; it's "Prove Me Wrong" with our announcer Alan Kalter.
ALAN: "Thanks, Dave. You folks probably know Richard Dreyfuss, the acclaimed actor who's starred in ‘Jaws,' ‘The Goodbye Girl,' ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind,' and many other great films. But did you know that he has the bodies of a dozen hitchhikers buried in his basement? ‘Prove Me Wrong!'" Freeze on Alan.
Announce: "The views of Alan Kalter are his own and do not reflect the opinions of David Letterman, the Late Show, or CBS. Complaints, lawsuits, and any evidence disproving Alan's claim may be directed to:
Prove Me Wrong
c/o the Late Show
1697 Broadway
New York, New York, 10019."

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Here's all you need to know: Dave's guests tomorrow are Sylvester Stallone, and Al Gore. Inspirational Message! A week from tomorrow is the eighth day of the rest of your life. Back after this."

ACT 6:
GARY GULMAN:
the very tall comedian will be performing at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts on April 13th. He covered "Rocky"; the selling of avocados by "the each," and the history of Greece right up to today.

ACT 7:
WAVVES
: From their brand new album, "Afraid of Heights," and making their network television debut, Wavves performed "Demon To Lean On."
I remember having hair like that. I can't blame him for swinging it the way he did. My guess is his father is bald and he knows he is next. When you got it, go with it.

And that was our show for Wednesday, March 27, 2013.

With the success of "The Bible" on the History Channel, I imagine "Davy and Goliath" might make a comeback on primetime, or at least be a summer replacement.

My first wife left me when she discovered Jesus. You probably think that's impossible to compete with, except it was Jesus, our gardener.

I went to a high school girls lacrosse game this morning. I don't get the rules of this game. I first learned of lacrosse in college watching the vaunted SUNY Cortland Red Dragons mens team. They were nationally ranked in D3 year after year. It was a fast and brutal game. When my daughter Danielle said she would be playing lacrosse in high school, I figured it would be similar. Nuh uh. Look at a player the wrong way in the girls game and the ref blows a whistle. When the ref blows the whistle, everyone has to stop in their tracks. The offending team has to step back and the ball carrier then restarts play. My brother calls it "red light green light lacrosse." It's a great game to be a referee because no one in the stands knows the rules and so they can't yell at you. For the fan, it's a terribly frustrating game. "Just let them play" is heard throughout. So I went to today's game. The Tappan Zee girls win the opening faceoff, a pass is made, and the forward runs straight to the goal with the ball in her stick. She has a clear path to the goal. No one is in her way. When she is twenty feet from the goal, the ref blows his whistle. Why? Because someone way over there on the other team stepped over a line or something like that. Play was stopped and the players were repositioned. What was a clear path to the goal for the offense a few seconds ago is now a cluttered mess. The defense made the infraction but it was the offense that suffered. Nine seconds had ticked off the clock from the start of the game. It took 9 seconds for me to scratch my head and curse the game. It makes no sense. The rules make no sense.
Two refs are on the field of play. They need a third ref in the stands to explain the calls to the parents.

It's the 15th anniversary of the FDA approval of Viagra. Here's what I know about Viagra. The pills are easy to swallow. The hard part is finding someone within four hours.

Psssst, kids. Move close to your computer monitor. Listen closely. Easter Sunday morning . . . . between the sofa cushions. Look between the sofa cushions.

The March Madness continues, pre-empting the Late Show for Thursday and Friday. Here are the rest of the week's previously-viewed programs:
THURSDAY: From 1/29/13; #3795 – Sylvester Stallone and Al Gore. Plus: Origami Challenge.
FRIDAY: From 2/26/13; #3815 – Joan Rivers, Jimmie Johnson, and Kendrick Lamar. Plus: Ask The Papal Mitre.

Check the Wahoo archives and make your plans accordingly.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's her birthday today, from Hanford, California, it's Joni Marciano
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, April 9
How does Lindsay Lohan like her scrambled eggs?
Tuesday, April 8
Dave guarantees his retirement with a signature.
Friday, April 4
LiV Warfield raises the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
Thursday, April 3
Dave and Intern Todd enjoy racing fun at the Grand Prix.
Wednesday, April 2
Bill Murray handles crowd control on 53rd Street.