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Monday, April 1, 2013 Will a shoulder injury sideline Dave for the season?
Show #3828
Shia LaBeouf, Jeff Altman, and The Band Perry.
PLUS: Fluffs; Gruesome Sports Highlight of the Night; Celebrity Monkey Update; Metro Monkey Attorneys; a message from the Consumer Product Safety Commission; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . and now, hardly anybody's fool . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"It's baseball's opening day. Throwing out the ceremonial first ball at Yankee Stadium, the old Pope. And at Citifield, home of the Mets, the cannibal cop." I enjoyed that one, mostly because I wasn't sure if the rest of the country would know of the cannibal cop.
-"The Yankees are old. For example, Mariano Rivera is 76 years old and has one lung."
-"There is a new product on the market . . . bacon flavored condoms. Word of advice: Before trying one, make sure the dog is tied up."
Do you folks like the marshmallow Peeps? Apparently enough people do for another company to start a spin-off product. We take a look at a commercial.
ANNOUNCE: "Everyone loves marshmallow Peeps at Easter. Now the fun continues all year round with Fluffs. Instead of marshmallows shaped like chickens, it's pulverized chicken shaped like marshmallows!" (we see oozing chicken going through a grinder)
ANNOUNCE: "May contain feather and bone. Look for Fluffs in the refrigerated aisle. Also available in bunny!"

You a sports fan? If you are, then you probably saw that gruesome image on Sunday. We take a look.
ART CARD: "Gruesome Sports Highlight of the Night."
We cut to the Trophee Hassan II golf tournament in Morocco. Danish golfer Andreas Harto daintily skips onto the putting green in his purple brief tighties to mark his ball.
ART CARD: "Gruesome Sports Highlight of the Night."

Time now for Celebrity Monkey Update.
A news anchor reports: "The pet monkey owned by pop star Justin Bieber is now in the hands of German authorities."

And speaking of Justin Bieber's monkey . . and who isn't . . . we take a look a commercial
that is capitalizing on the situation.
ANNOUNCE: "Has your monkey been detained overseas? Not sure what to do? Call Metro Monkey Attorneys. We handle all kinds of monkey law: monkey slips and falls, monkey divorce, and monkey traffic violations. Metro Monkey Attorneys: Get the law on your monkey's side."
ANNOUNCE 2: "Visit our new office, in the Short Hills Mall."

ACT 2:
TOP TEN – following the Top Ten opening animation, the show is interrupted by this important message:
ANNOUNCE: "The Consumer Product Safety Commission interrupts this program to announce a critically important safety recall. If you own a television produced between 1946 and 2013, it's defective and may suddenly burst into flames. Turn off your television immediately, and return it to the place of purchase for a refund. We now return you to ‘Amanda.'" We see Amanda Knox as a talk show host.

TOP TEN: EARLY SIGNS YOUR BASEBALL TEAM ISN'T READY FOR THE SEASON
10. Your first baseman is so fat, he's also your second baseman.
6. Already planning your October vacations
4. Opening Day giveaway is a letter of apology from the General Manager
3. Something's still not quite right with the big dance number.
2. Team doctor: Conrad Murray.

ACT 3:
It's early in the baseball season. Dave fears he may have already damaged his shoulder. Probably from shrugging off rehearsal.

SHIA LABEOUF
Shia enters wearing a big boot. He either injured his foot recently or he is wearing a shoe Jim Carrey left behind. Turns out to be an injury. Shia broke his foot jumping rope. And here I thought celebrities only had fragile egos. Shia was jumping the rope and landed wrong. Why was he jumping rope? Shia says he got fired from a job and to work out his frustrations decided to take up boxing. Boxing? Dave is concerned this may be one of those Joaquin Phoenix-type things. Shia quickly denies such a ploy, and then mimics Joaquin by sticking some pretend chewing gum under the Dave's desk top. Wow, that was pretty quick by Shia. The job Shia was fired from was the Broadway play he was involved in with Alec Baldwin. Alec is good friends with the show and Dave would like to somehow mend the broken fence between Alec and Shia. Dave wonders what Shia did to him. Shia explains that both he and Alec and extremely passionate and committed to their art. The two apparently had different ideas about the direction the play should take. Shia was then kicked to the curb. Coincidentally, the play is entitled, "Orphans." In art-speak, Alec and Shia suffered "creative differences." In layman's terms I think that means "I can't stand him!" Could a truce-meeting be organized? Shia says he is up to it but doesn't think Alec would be receptive to the idea right now. Shia's new film is entitled. "The Company You Keep," directed by Robert Redford, who also co-stars in it. Shia says Redford is very open to ideas as a director but isn't afraid to tell you your idea stinks. In the film, Shia plays a young and eager reporter who exposes Redford's character's past as a former Underground Weathermen-type radical from the 70s who is wanted for murder. It opens in New York and Los Angeles this Friday.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "It'll be a great one tomorrow as Dave welcomes Regis Philbin, and a performance by the cast of ‘Rodgers and Hammerstein's ‘Cinderella.' Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch The Band Perry Live on Letterman. The Band Perry's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. You won't get a better deal than that."

ACT 6:
JEFF ALTMAN

Our old friend had trouble on his flight in from the coast. He missed his light, then his flight was canceled, then he was on standby, then he flew the "redeye." And he never piloted a plane before!
Dave asks Jeff to tell how he got his beginnings in show business. Jeff says he arrived in Los Angeles a little before Dave made his trek back in 1975. Jeff was a triple threat; adept in magic, comedy, and the drums . . . just like Johnny Carson. In college, Jeff was a big Buddy Rich fan and would book him for gigs at Johns Hopkins. Well, one night in '75, Buddy Rich was slated to appear on the Tonight Show. Jeff thought this could be his "in" into showbiz. He would shimmy up to Buddy and maybe get an intro to Johnny. Ticket, shmicket . . . Jeff didn't think about needing a ticket to the Tonight Show. Instead, he hopped the fence to the NBC studios in Burbank. He got inside and suddenly found himself in the same room as Buddy Rich, Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Louis Bellson, a 40-piece orchestra . . . . . and Frank Sinatra. Somehow a young Jeff Altman fit right in. Jeff eyeballed the situation and waited for his moment. He knew this would be the gateway to stardom. He waited. He studied. And then he saw Frank Sinatra reach into his breast pocket. Jeff knew Frank was about to light up a cigarette. Jeff rushed over and offered to light Frank's cigarette. Frank, with barely a glance, said, "No, I got it." And from that, a bond was created between Frank and Jeff that would never be broken. I imagine even Dreesen would be jealous. Security quickly arrived and removed Mr. Altman from the premises.
Jeff Altman – look for him this summer at the Laugh Factory at the Tropicana Hotel in Las Vegas.

ACT 7:
THE BAND PERRY
: From their brand new CD, "Pioneer," the Academy of Country Music's nominee for "Group of the Year" performed "Better Dig Two." The Academy of Country Music Awards can be seen this Sunday on CBS.

And that was our show for Monday, April 01, 2013.

Hey, ever hear of the Huffington Post? Great article today by scribe Mike Kinosian: "Twelve-Step Meeting ‘Steps' Into On-Air, Online Spotlight". It's all about Powerful Radio Productions' "Stepping' Out Radio," the first and only 12-step meeting on the radio. You can find the article here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-kinosian/steppin-out-radio_b_2994987.html

Addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling, nicotine, food . . . there is something there for everyone, whether you're on the inside looking out or the outside looking in. Congratulations to the entire staff at Powerful Radio Productions in this long overdue exposure, and much thanks to the Huffington Post and Mike Kinosian.
Yes, longtime Wahoo readers will know that the President/Executive of Powerful Radio Productions is Denise McIntee.

I got me one of those iPhones this weekend. This means somebody else in the family got an upgrade and I got their old phone. It was explained to me that I can now check my e-mail off the phone, do the facebook, and do lots of other stuff. I explained that I didn't want to become one of those people who is constantly flicking their finger at their hand-held device to check on the unimportant. Remember when these phones were supposed to be just for emergencies? Now I can go to a sporting event and in between the action I can get updated. But I don't want to do that. I like down time. I don't want my attention directed anywhere else when my attention is free to go wherever. When do people allow their mind to wander anymore? I like to think about . . . . nothing. I like the blank mind. I've discovered many things when I was free to think about nothing. I figured out how to build a bar out of an old piece of plywood when I had nothing to think about. I figured out how to make dangerous lawn darts that are now outlawed when I was free to think of nothing. I figured out how to prevent squirrels from getting to my bird feeder when my face wasn't looking at a 3"X3" screen. I work hard just for those moments to think about nothing. I don't want my nothing to be filled with checking out e-mails that can wait and pictures of people's pets. I like not being engaged, free from conversing. Nobody has any "shhh" time. So, yes I have an iPhone, but I hope I don't use it. I want my free time to be used to wander, to explore, to notice things.
And that's a memo.

Baseball Opening Day . . . it's now a night game. Hate it. Have for years. Major League Baseball opened their 144th season Sunday night when nobody was watching. The game was the Texas Rangers vs. their in-state rival, the Houston Astros. It should have been the Cincinnati Redlegs and somebody in a 1:00 PM game today, followed by everyone else tomorrow.
Oh, and here's a note to MLB. Why pit the Texas Rangers against the Houston Astros on opening day? The rivalry game would be a near sell-out any day of the year, in May, in June, in July or August. Take your pick. You could have had a packed stadium at any time between Texas and Houston but you wasted it on Opening Day, a game that is already guaranteed to be sold out.
Major League Baseball, your Opening Day is what makes you different from all the other sports. Now, you're just like all the other sports, only worse.
MLB . . . always working hard to ruin a good thing.

I like the Yankees and all, but the gladiator trumpets during the Opening Day intros are ridiculous. C'mon, it's baseball. Nothing more. And although I love Mariano Rivera, he's just a baseball player. The adulation the announcers bestowed upon him should be reserved for that guy we celebrate on Easter Sunday.

It doesn't look good for the Mets this year. A lot of the National League teams have scheduled them for their Homecoming Game

On my drive home from work on Monday listening to the sports radio, it was fun to hear Yankee fans jumping ship after their opening day loss.

"The Company You Keep" – Check it out on Bing, and be sure to include "Nyack" and "Brinks" in your search. Yeah, do that. It may shed some light on the story some believe inspired "The Company You Keep."

Goodbye, Google. Hello, Bing.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Hey, hey! It's his birthday today. From Rensselaer Drive in Spring Valley, it's Barry Knapp.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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