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Tuesday, April 2, 2013 Where are Dave's monkey papers? Who is this man?
Show #3829
Regis Philbin, and Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella.
PLUS: Matt Lauer Can't Catch A Break; Barack Obama Sports Bloopers; Dave is Checked for His Monkey Papers; the Sequel to "The Bible"; Today's Show Is Not a Rerun; a Top Ten List; and George Clarke Tours the Ed.

" . . . and now, Dr. Dixon from 'As The World Turns' . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Lindsay Lohan tweeted that she is pregnant. And I thought she was just late for court."
- "Justin Bieber's monkey is being quarantined in Germany. I'm not sure what will happen to the monkey, but for the next couple of weeks, if you're in Germany, don't order the schnitzel."

Time now for "Matt Lauer Can't Catch A Break." Matt Lauer has been catching a lot of heat lately, not all of it his fault. Well, he ran into some more bad luck yesterday.
ART CARD: "Matt Lauer Can't Catch A Break"
We see Lauer sitting in a box seat at the Yankee Opening Day. Yankee TV announcer Michael Kay says, "Joe Piscopo and Matt Lauer, here at the game."
ART CARD: "Matt Lauer Can't Catch A Break"

I saw this camera shot over my shoulder on Monday while the game was on. I laughed at Matt's misfortune. It was nice to see someone else find it funny. Unfortunately, not too many in the audience did.

Barack Obama was caught relaxing on the basketball court at the White House. He took 22 shots. Made two. That gave Dave the idea for us to put together some of Barack Obama's sports bloopers, in something we call "Barack Obama Sports Bloopers."
We see the President clanking a couple shots on the basketball court.
We see the President rolling a gutter ball at a bowling alley.
We see the President crash-landing during a ski jump.

Dave is interrupted by an interloper. The gentleman does not seem at all pleased.
DAVE: "Oh, may I help you, sir?"
GUY: (thick and menacing German accent) "Mr. Letterman, I need to see your monkey papers, please."
DAVE: "I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have any monkey papers."
GUY: "You realize that without the proper documents, we will have to confiscate your monkey."
DAVE: "Well, yeah, that seems about right, but I don't have a monkey."
GUY: "You're playing a very dangerous game, Mr. Letterman."
The guy then approaches Tony Mendez, grabs his cue cards, and aggressively throws them to the ground. The then exits.

The audience did not appreciate what the guy did, but if you saw the jokes on those cue cards . . . .

The History Channel had a big hit on its hands with the showing of "The Bible" miniseries. Nothing breeds imitation more than success so it's not surprising that the History Channel has already begun working on a sequel. We take a look at a promo.
We see footage of The Rock in "Fast and Furious 6" interspersed with footage from "The Bible."
THE ROCK: "It wasn't that hard to find you, Jesus . . . . . . Last week, a highly coordinated team of drivers took down an entire military convoy . . . . I need your team."
ANNOUNCE: "The Rock . . . . Jesus . . . He is risen and he is kicking ass. 'The Bible 2: Bible Harder.' Coming soon.

ACT 2:
At the desk, Dave holds up a copy of today's New York Times. He asks for a close up of the newspaper. Even closer. Keep coming. Closer. What is he doing? Says Dave, "Regis is on the show tonight and he is here so often I wanted to prove that this isn't a repeat."

The Late Show offices take up just a few floors of the historic Ed Sullivan Theater office building. Our building engineer, George Clarke, has prepared something to show you folks what's on other floors. We take a look.
ART CARD: "George Clarke's Tour of the Ed Sullivan Theater"
We see George operating the freight elevator. The elevator comes to a stop. George opens the elevator door.
GEORGE: "Tenth floor . . . . . aquarium."
We see a full-size aquarium occupying the entire view from the opened elevator door. I looked for a lionfish like I saw on "Shark Tank" the other day but I didn't see any.

TOP TEN: QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE TRAVELING WITH YOUR MONKEY
7. "Should I take my monkey out of school for this?"
6. "Are we visiting countries that consider monkey a delicacy?"
3. "Should my monkey and I just take a 'staycation'?"

And something new! Going into commercial, Alan with a Fun Fact: "Humans and dolphins are the only species that engage in sexting."

ACT 3:
REGIS PHILBIN

Dave is about to turn 66. Regis is nearly 100. They both have had new hearts put in. It's a show for the kids! Put down your marijuana cigarettes and watch Dave and Reege, kids! Regis is about to go off on a new venture on the new FOX network, "FOX Sports One" where Regis will be talking sports. Where will one find FOX Sports One? Regis says it is replacing the Speed channel. Dave blurts, "Oh, channel 607!" Dave figures Regis is knowledgeable enough to fake it about Notre Dame football, the Yankees, and . . . Notre Dame football. Now that Regis is in forced-retirement before his new program, what does he do to keep busy? Regis says he went to the Yankee game yesterday and then to the opening of the new Tom Hanks play, "Lucky Guy." Dave was invited to attend the opening but had to decline. He was busy back here at the theater going over his Regis Notes for tonight. Regis thinks the real reason Dave decided not to go was because there would be people there.
Also keeping Regis busy was his visiting the New York Mets Spring Training Camp. While there, he threw out a ceremonial first pitch. I think these "first pitch" deals are similar to the hands-in-cement thing in front of that Chinese theater in Hollywood. Pay enough and you're in. We see Regis attempting to throw out the first pitch. He bounces the first one. His second throw was high and outside. Still, the Mets signed him to a two-year deal, with a team option for a third. Regis wonders if Dave was ever asked to throw out a first pitch. Dave says he has but hasn't, meaning "yes" he was asked but "no" he didn't do it. Regis says if he ever decides to do it, don't do it from the pitcher's mound. It throws you off. You aren't used to it and it ruins your throw. Dave says everyone HAS to throw from the mound. Not throwing from the mound is just too embarrassing. If you're gonna do it, you have to do it the right way. I agree. Unless Elaine Stritch is asked to throw out the first ball, I think everyone must throw from the mound. I think it should be a requirement. If you can't do it, don't do it.
Discussing their advancing age, Dave says although he is about to turn 66, "in my head I'm still 18." He adds, "Just last week I hung outside a 7/11 and asked a guy to buy me some beer." I laughed. Yes, I've done that. My friends and I would pool our money and give an unknown 20-something with a car money for beer. When the goods were delivered, we would peel off a few cans for his trouble. Life was much simpler back then.
Talk turns to Regis' titanium hip and Dave wonders if it sets off the alarm at the airport. But does a metal detector detect non-ferrous metal? Regis says it will; Dave thinks it will not since it is non-ferrous. I scampered to the computer to give a quick look-see. I found that a non-ferrous metal will set off an alarm, but there has to be more of it than a ferrous metal. I also found that the metal detector at Terminal 7 at JFK Airport back in 2010 did not set off the alarm for a titanium hip whereas at other airports it did
What else is ahead for Regis? On June 22, he will be performing with the great Don Rickles at The Theater at Westbury." When they perform together, Don and Regis like to hang out backstage without wearing pants.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We're back tomorrow as Dave welcomes Louis C.K., Rachel Maddow, and the Flaming Lips. During the month of April, the Late Show is participating in Light It Up Blue, a global program to promote autism awareness. Look for buildings and landmarks lit up blue, and visit autismspeaks.org for more information. Thank you."

ACT 6:
We find Regis in the lobby of the Ed Sullivan Theater. He is standing in front of our metal detector. Will it sound when Regis walks through? We find out. Nope. His metal hip doesn't set off the alarm. I wonder if his doctor is like one of those unscrupulous mechanics who say they put in a new fan belt when they really didn't, but charge you for it anyway. To ensure that the detector is working, security chief Bill Delace walks through. The detector alarm goes off, probably due to his metallic head.

ACT 7:
RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN'S "CINDERELLA"
It's playing right across 53rd Street from the Ed Sullivan Theater. The cast performs a medley from the Broadway show. And that was Laura Osnes as Cinderella, Victoria Clark as Marie the Fairy Godmother, and Santino Fontana as Prince Topher.

And that was our show for Tuesday April 02, 2013.

Swing and a miss. I pitched this for tonight's show.
DAVE ENTERS FOLLOWING THE OPENING ANNOUNCE WEARING ONLY ONE SHOE, A LA "CINDERELLA".
BIFF SOON ENTERS WITH THE SHOE.
BIFF: "I think you lost this."
DAVE: "Oh, yeah. Thanks, Biff."
BIFF HELPS DAVE PUT ON THE SHOE.
BIFF: "I'm glad we don't have 'Oh, Calcutta' on tonight."
BIFF EXITS.
The above was a no-go. It wasn't green-lighted. Instead, we got "Matt Lauer Can't Catch A Break"

Last year on Yankee's Opening Day I was in a Toyota dealership getting a key made. What used to take 2 minutes and 2 dollars took me 3 hours and $300. You can read all about it the April 9, 2012 Wahoo Gazette.

Even though baseball opened the 2013 season on Sunday night, I'm pretending it opened on Monday afternoon, the way it should be. Following the Yankee loss, I went home and watched the TCM Turner Classic Movie channel. I've finally come to the realization that the only good thing on TV these days are movies at least 35 year old. To celebrate Opening Day, I watched "It Happens Every Spring" (1949). It starred Ray Milland who invents a tonic that repels would. By accident, he stumbles upon the idea of putting the stuff on a baseball. This made the baseball unhittable during a game. Ray Milland, as King Kelly, goes on to lead his team to the World Series. It had a similar story line to "Flubber," but was more realistic. And following "It Happens Every Spring" was "Angels In The Outfield" (1951), not the newer "Angels" one. This one starred Paul Douglas and Janet Leigh with a small unmentioned cameo by Mrs. June Cleaver as a hat-check girl. The most unbelievable part of this film was the romance. I didn't buy into that. The angels were more believable.
I think I'll spend Opening Day this way every year.

And speaking of baseball and the movies, the other night Denise and I watched Moneyball. Denise liked Brad Pitt, she liked Jonah Hill, but thought Philip Seymour Hoffman was awful as the Oakland A's manager. She said it looked like he wasn't even trying. She found his performance insulting to actors everywhere. He was a complete dullard. She likes Hoffman but was very disappointed in him in "Moneyball." I had to explain to her that Hoffman was playing Oakland A's manager Art Howe. In real life, Art Howe is a dolt. He is actually that dull. Hoffman played him spot-on. I wonder how many other people thought Philip Seymour Hoffman was terrible in that movie.

Got a haircut this weekend. Got it really short. It may be my first step before I eventually shave it all off. I've been thinking of shaving it because I want my being bald to look like it is my idea. So I'm at the barbershop and take a seat in the chair. I'm asked the usual, "How do you want it?" I never know what to say, never have, and usually tell the barber to just shorten it and do some magic. I'm asked, "How about a 2 or a 3?" I've heard this number system at the barbershop before but never quite knew what it meant. I decided to go with a 3, simply because that was Babe Ruth's number. I didn't know what to expect. The barber came out with the electric razor and buzzed me pretty good. Naturally, after the first sweep over the head it's too late to change to a longer-haired number. There was no going back. What is done is done. Besides, I figure it doesn't really matter how short the barber cuts my hair since I'm already married. I get the 3 and it's the shortest my hair has been since my 4th grade summer crew cut. I get home and my girls say I now look like an old man. There's not much I can say. They're right. I'm old enough to qualify for senior living. What happened?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Southington, Connecticut, on this her 21st birthday, it's Lauren Sargent
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Mike Myers
Bonnie McFarlane
John Fullbright

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, September 13
Is George Clooney having second thoughts?
Thursday, September 11
Billy Eichner and Dave enjoy a screaming match.
Wednesday, September 10
Dr. Phil gets the Big Red treatment.
Tuesday, September 9
Dave & Michael Strahan and their mutual admiration society.
Monday, September 8
Dave and Vladimir: Just a couple guys talking about Dairy Queen.