CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Thursday, April 4, 2013 Did Dave meet his younger, more likable successor?
Show #3831
Martin Short, Tyler The Creator, and a Top Ten List with Louisville Cardinals Basketball Player, Kevin Ware.
PLUS: Dave's Possible Replacement; the GWBush Presidential Library; North Korea's Military; CNN Coverage of Late Night Television; Late Show Guest Countdown; and the Higgs Boson Explained.

" . . . and now, the soup of the day . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Don't worry about Jay Leno. He always bounces back. And that's what Fallon is worried about."

During the monologue, Production Supervisor Kathy Mavrikakis enters giving cue carder Todd a tour of the theater.
KATHY: "And this is the monologue mark where is where you tell your jokes. And over there, that's your desk."
DAVE: (interrupting): Oh, hi, Kathy, I'm... you know, we're right in the middle of a show. Can I help you with something?"
KATHY: "Sure, yes. CBS would like to replace you with someone younger and more likable, so they've decided that Todd is going to start hosting the show next year right after the Olympics. I'm giving him a tour and showing him around
TODD (awed, looking around in a daze) "I can't believe I'm going to be on television!"
DAVE: "Kathy, Todd already works here on the show so you don't need to show him around. I don't think any of this is necessary."
TODD: "I can't believe I'm going to be on television!"
DAVE: "OK, fine. Leave. Get him out of here. Thank you."
KATHY (to Todd): "Let's go look at make-up." Kathy and Todd exit. I think I better start treating Todd nicer.

George W. Bush's Presidential Library opens later this month at Southern Methodist University. The presidential center has been under construction for two years and judging by this commercial, it's going to be quite an exhibit. We take a look.
ART CARD: "The George W. Bush Presidential Library"
ANNOUNCE: "The state-of-the-art facility opens to the public on May 1st and will display 43,000 artifacts, over 200 million e-mails, and feature . . . . Monster Truck Mayhem! That's right. It's Gravedigger vs. El Toro Loco, with a special appearance by Robo-saurus . . . . and a live performance from Molly Hatchet.
The George W. Bush Presidential Library. A Ron Delsener Production."

It's always fun to have a lunatic dictator around to keep us amused . . . until he goes too far. Then things can get a little uncomfortable. North Korea has released a video to demonstrate its military power. Experts say the Koreans may be using special effects to make the military look more formidable than it really is. We take a look to see if we can notice any doctoring. Over Korean voice-over, we see footage of what they are up to. The script says that the footage was from "Megaforce," starring Barry Bostwick. I'll go along with that unless I learn otherwise.

The shake-up at NBC late night is dominating the entertainment news this week. Did you see how CNN reported this? If not, and even if you did, we take a look.
We see footage of Jay, Jimmy, and Seth Meyers.
ANNOUNCE: "It's official! Jay Leno will depart the 'Tonight Show' in 2014 and be replaced by Jimmy Fallon. After a brief retirement, Jay will return to replace Jimmy in 2015. Then Seth Meyers will replace Jay in 2019 before Jay returns to replace Seth in 2023, the same year David Letterman celebrates his 30th anniversary at CBS, where he is expected to remain until he dies."
We see a clip of a real old guy sitting at Dave's desk.
ANNOUNCE: "Suzanne Malveaux, CNN."

ACT 2:
We get some of the biggest stars here on the Late Show. Have you heard who will be here next week? We take a look at Late Show Guest Countdown.
ART CARD: "LATE SHOW GUEST COUNTDOWN"
ANNOUNCE: "5 days until Lindsay Lohan appears on the 'Late Show.' 4 days until Lindsay cancels due to 'exhaustion' and 'dehydration.'"

March Madness is winding down. It's so maddening that it stretches into April. It is Final Four weekend and if you've been following the tournament, you would be very aware of the gruesome injury suffered by Louisville Cardinal guard Kevin Ware. On national TV last Sunday, he suffered a compound fracture of his leg in a game vs. the Duke Blue Devils. Via satellite, we visit with Kevin Ware who is now in recovery.
Dave has a lot of questions for Kevin. We saw what happened, but what happened next? Kevin says he was concerned for his mom. He knew she would be very worried, as she is a worrier of even the simplest of things. Dave reminds Kevin that he snapped his tibia, with the bone poking through the skin. Yeah, most moms would be concerned over such things. Kevin, a sophomore, says he will be in a cast for 8-12 weeks and hopefully be ready to go next basketball season.
We see a photo of Kevin in pain on the sideline of Sunday's game after breaking his leg. We wonder:
Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Kevin Ware's Mind At This Moment
10. "What was that loud cracking sound?"
9. "I hope this doesn't leave a bruise"
8. "Hey, look--my tibia!"
7. "Ouch"
6. "Did it go in?"
5. "Oh boy...hospital food!"
4. "Tape it up, Coach, I'm staying in"
3. "They fired Leno?"
2. "Heat, then ice or ice, then heat?"
1. "At least my bracket's not busted"

As always, to better enjoy the Top Ten click onto the Late Show website to watch the presentation. And while you're on the Late Show website, be sure to read the Wahoo Gazette. It's a wry delight.

ACT 3:
MARTIN SHORT
One of our best guests on the show. Very witty, very prepared, very indirect in his sly jabs. I enjoyed his teasing of his good Canadian friend, Paul. He says of Paul: "Isn't it crazy . . . some guys still look like their high school photo. Paul looks like his sonogram" and "Paul now looks like a maitre d' on a spaceship."
Marty attended the big opening to Tom Hanks' Broadway for "Lucky Guy." Martin raves that Hanks hasn't been this sensational since 'Turner and Hooch.'" Martin shares a story of something that happened while he was with Tom some years ago. The two were in Los Angeles and Martin was driving. As he tried to pull into a parking spot, another car suddenly appeared and the two cars hit. Martin gets out and the other driver is impressed with whom he had the accident. The guy jokingly says, "Well, I guess I don't need to see your ID." And then Tom Hanks gets out of the car. Now the guy is really impressed. Martin goes to the glove compartment to get his insurance card. And that's all the time it took for Marty to hear the guy saying to Tom, " . . . and if you don't have time to read the whole script, just listen to the music."
What would a visit from Martin Short be without a song? He is always being approached by businesses and companies to promote a product. As a celebrity spokesman, Marty understands the influence he possesses, which is why he only wants to be associated with the highest bidder. When Carnival Cruise made their generous offer, and he learned that their commercials would be filmed on land, Martin was thrilled to join the Carnival Cruise family.

To the tune of "If You Could See Me Now"

"If they could see me now, out on a Fun Ship cruise,
It's not at all as bad as it looked in the news.
Sometimes the engine stops and we're set adrift,
At least we're right-side up, unlike Italian cruise ships.

All you will say is 'Wow, I think we're gonna die!'
Enjoy impromptu fistfights when the bar runs dry.
And if the plumbing's on the fritz, you'll get a bucket,
While we're towed in to St. Kitts.

If all the power's down, this shouldn't be ignored
You don't need electricity for shuffleboard.
Suppose the food runs out, and we serve our last dish,
Stay calm, you're on a boat surrounded by fish.

The floating silhouette toward the horizon aims
We're like a Viking funeral without the flames.
These little problems seem like blips, you'll soon forget 'em
Carnival . . . we're . . . full . . . of . . . ships!"


Confetti flies.

More of the very funny and entertaining Martin Short Friday night, April 5th, at the Music Box at the Borgata in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Get back here tomorrow for Dave and his guests Chelsea Handler, comedian Ross Bennett, and Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's time for 'The Camera Loves Me.'"
Alan mugs for the camera, proud of his lot in life. And we should be honored to be in his presence.
ALAN: "It's a gift. We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
Are you a fan of the science? How can you not be? We are all well aware of the discovery of the Higgs Boson, claimed to be the "God Particle," whatever that is. Dave admits to not knowing what any of this means and so invited the man who discovered the Higgs Boson, Dr. Peter Higgs.
Dr. Higgs enters. He bears a striking resemblance to former Late Show writer Gerard Mulligan, unfortunately.
DAVE: "Dr. Higgs, thanks for joining us. Could you explain to us in layman's terms what the Higgs boson is and why it is so exciting?"
DR. HIGGS: "Think of it this way . . the atom is tiny. Protons, neutrons, and electrons . . . they're even tinier! Here's the thing about the Higgs boson: it's even tinier than that!"
DAVE: "I see. Now, is it possible that the Higgs boson could itself be made of even smaller particles?"
DR. HIGGS: (a bit surprised at the thought): "I don't see how. Perhaps I didn't make it clear: the Higgs boson is extremely tiny."
DAVE: "I think what we all want to know is: what are the implications of this discovery? How does finding the Higgs boson change our understanding of the universe?"
DR. HIGGS: "An excellent question. (to Paul Shaffer) Paul! Let's get busy!"
Paul and the band offer up a simple rhythmic beat.
DR. HIGGS: (to audience) "All right, gang! When I say 'Higgs,' you say 'boson'. Ready? Let's go! Higgs!"
AUDIENCE: (not quite catching on yet) "Boson"
DR. HIGGS: "Higgs!"
AUDIENCE: "Boson.
DR. HIGGS: "Now just the balcony! Higgs!"
BALCONY: "Boson!"
DR. HIGGS: "Now just the ladies! Higgs!"
LADIES: "Boson!"
DR. HIGGS: "Now you, Dave! Higgs!"
Dave stares in confusion. Says nothing.
DR. HIGGS: "Not playing along. Okay. One more, everybody! Higgs!"
AUDIENCE: "Boson!"
DR. HIGGS: (exiting) "Love you guys! Higgs out! . . . . remember to vote for me in the Theoretical Physicist People's Choice Awards!"
Dr. Higgs has left the building. After the audience calms down in a nanosecond, Dave says, "Well, that certainly cleared things up."

ACT 7:
TYLER, THE CREATOR
From his new solo album, "Wolf," Tyler The Creator, a founding member of the hip-hop collective Odd Future, performed, along with Earl Sweatshirt and Domo Genesis, "Rusty.

And that was our show for Thursday April 04, 2013.

That was a nice "get" in having Louisville Cardinal Kevin Ware doing the Top Ten tonight. Yes, it seemed so simple while watching it on the TV but there was a lot of work that went into it to make it look that easy. The entire ACT 2 was taped after music from Tyler The Creator and then placed where you saw it during the post-show editing.

FINAL FOUR
Louisville Cardinals vs. the Wichita State Shockers.
Syracuse Orangemen vs. the Michigan Wolverines.
Two good stories in the Louisville/Wichita State game. Lots of friends who attended New York's Syracuse University. Not much for me to get behind Michigan. In fact, I'm still a bit sore at them for beating Seton Hall in the Finals on a phantom foul call in 1989.
I thought I would be following the NCAA's a lot closer than I have. I've seen a total of maybe 20 minutes, and that was mostly LaSalle.

Here's something you don't hear every day. I went to church last week . . . . no, that's not it. There's more . . . I went to church last week and it turned out it was a children's mass, a service geared for the kids. There was a drummer up front and a guy on electric guitar. They would be accompanying the singing. Well, at the end of the mass to send us off on a good note, the priest made a joke. And then the drummer gave him a rim-shot. A rim-shot at church! Church . . . . you never know what you're gonna see.

I got a haircut last week. Got it real short. Wahoo reader Joe Augitto wrote to recall the time he and a friend got a real short haircut on a bet. He says he got it cut right down to a schnitz. I never heard of a "schnitz." Anybody? I learned that a "schnitz" may be an evenly short haircut all over. I sort of pieced together something called "schnitz haare" which may mean "hair cut" in German. I forgot what got me into this but Joe Augitto says he ended up liking his "schnitz" and found that he had a nice looking head. His friend who also got the schnitz . . . not a good-looking head. That's always been my fear, to shave my head and learn that it's crooked and dented. I guess I'll never know until I get a schnitz.
And if I get a schnitz, should I wait until after the summer so it becomes acclimated to the weather and doesn't burn in the sun? And should I get my own electric razor so I can cut my hair myself?
So many questions for so little hair.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Your News Anchor and Host of WLRN-Miami Herald News, it's Phil Latzman
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Luke Wilson
Julie Chen
Lee Brice

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, August 30
Serena Williams takes out Rupert Jee's deli window.
Friday, August 29
Consider mailing water to relatives in drought regions.
Wednesday, August 27
Time for a Grape Break!
Tuesday, August 26
Is this the "Late Show" or "Jailhouse Rock"?
Monday, August 25
Flying dogs take over 53rd Street for the Purina Pro Plan Incredible Dog Challenge.