Lindsay Lohan, Pete Lee, and Gary Clark Jr.
PLUS: NCAA Tournament Recap; What's New at iHop; the GW Bush Presidential Library; March Madness; and a Top Ten List presented by 10 Area Accountants.
" . . . and now, impish towhead . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "On the show tonight, Lindsay Lohan. I believe it's part of her community service."
- "If Lindsay actually shows up, I owe Paul $50."
Congratulations to the Louisville Cardinals who won the 2013 March Madness NCAA basketball championship over the Michigan Wolverines, 82-76. CBS did a fine job of coverage and they have put together this look back at this year's highlights in something called, "NCAA Tournament Recap."
We see some actual highlights, along with some odd basketball footage that won't be seen for another year until we do something similar. It ends with Kim Jong-Un shooting out a backboard.
Looking to get married? Don't forget to consider Denny's! So successful is the Denny's chapel that they are now branching out into other venues. We take a look at this joke.
ANNOUNCE: "You can now plan an affordable wedding at participating Denny's restaurants, but what happens if it's not meant to be? Come get your divorce at IHOP. And that's not all. IHO now offers a full menu of marriage-related services: estate planning, retirement strategies, marriage counseling, sex therapy, vasectomy, tax preparation, vasectomy reversal, funeral arrangements, and pancakes! So stop by IHOEPRSMSTVTPVRFAP, The International House of Estate Planning, Retirement Strategies, Marriage Counseling, Sex Therapy, Vasectomy Reversal, Funeral Arrangements, and Pancakes.
Come hungry. Leave with a vasectomy."
And for all of you who read while following your finger, The George W. Bush Presidential Library is opening soon. No expense has been spared on this project. We take a look at this attempt.
ANNOUNCE: "The George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum is a premiere destination for researchers, students and families alike. The museum features over 100,000 artifacts, and dozens of interactive activities that let you pretend to be the president."
Cut to a split-screen of some of GW Bush's most popular moments of his reign in the White House. We see George doing his stuff, and a Library visitor doing the same George stuff.
"Trip. Bump your head. Trip again. Dodge a shoe. Drop a dog. And spit on the White House lawn. The George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum; the only missing ingredient is you."
Two kinds of people really enjoy the March Madness: you either attend one of the competing universities or you are a degenerate gambler.
We take a look at a final recap of the tournament.
We see the final brackets involving 64 teams, minus the play-in games.
We see the winning teams circled in red, two at a time, 31 times, accompanied by the announce of "They Won."
Damn. If only I had seen that bracket a month ago, I'd be rich right now.
Fun Fact: How many games are played in a 64-team, single elimination tournament? Subtract 1 from 64 . . . . 63 games.
TOP TEN: THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR ACCOUNTANT
And here with tonight's Top Ten List, 10 area accountants.
10. Take off your clothes and sit on the examining table (Harvey Tanton)
9. Good news -- you earned enough to co-sign my mortgage! (Whitney Boyd)
8. My client Wesley Snipes said prison wasn't so bad (Phil Defalco)
7. Would you like to touch my rubber thumb? (Lawrence Spielman)
6. I'm faxing over your 1099 form right now [makes faxing sound] (Gary Schatsky)
5. Care to make a tax-deductible donation to the Taliban? (Bob Manger)
4. Give me fifty bucks -- I'll make your taxes disappear (Andrew Ross)
3. Do you have someplace to stay until things blow over? Sandra Bussell)
2. Ignore the blood stains (Richard Koenigsberg)
1. Ey, Nice W-2s (Andrew Rubin)
Not only is she here, she was here early! Lindsay has been here with Dave a handful of times. Her first time was back in 1992 on the old show before we knew her for Halloween Costumes. She was dressed as "Things You Find On The Floor of the D Train."
Dave is happy she is back tonight and admits to being a bit surprised. We've been making a bevy of jokes at her expense. Dave recites three:
1. "Lindsay Lohan was on the Today' show this morning. The appearance went well: only one camera is missing."
2. Lindsay's in court so often, the cafeteria has named a sandwich after her." - Lindsay quickly points out that they don't let you eat there. Ahh, speaking from experience.
3. "Lindsay Lohan punched a psychic in a nightclub. It was right after the psychic told her, 'You will soon punch a psychic in a nightclub.'"
Dave asks, "Aren't you supposed to be in rehab now?" Lindsay says she is booked for a 3-month stay beginning May 2nd. Dave wonders, "And what are they rehabbing? What are they going to work on when you walk through the door?"
After some laughs, Lindsay says her rehab is not a joke. It'll give her the opportunity to focus on her life, examine where she is and where she is going, and concentrate on some changes in her life that need to be made. It will hopefully be a career-saving and, more importantly, a life-saving stay in rehab.
She admits she has made mistakes, some immature mistakes, but realizes she is also a target out there. But due to immaturity, and a phase in her life, and family stuff going on, she made some mistakes. Dave says it is a blessing for her to be going to rehab to maybe prevent her from hurting herself or hurting others. Dave says what they say in his psychiatrist meetings: "first, we put out the fire, and then we take care of the faulty wiring."
Lindsay will be appearing on Charlie Sheen's "Anger Management" this Thursday on the FX at 9:30 PM. She also appears with Charlie in the film, "Scary Movie 5" which opens on Friday. She says she really got along with Charlie and was impressed at how he made a point to greet and talk to the crew and staff every morning. He thought it was very important for the good of the show. Dave says he's been doing this show for 30 years and there are still people here whose names he doesn't know.
Dave thanks Lindsay for being here and calls her a good sport for putting up with all of his jokes. He was afraid that after all those jokes we would never see her again. Dave offers Lindsay support and says rehab is a good thing and he sees her getting to the other side of this. She has enough poise and strength to be here tonight and that bodes well in getting through this.
ANNOUNCE: (not Alan Kalter) "Make it a priority to catch tomorrow's Late Show, with Dave's guests: Harrison Ford, Rita Wilson, and Jake Bugg."
Camera cuts from the audience to Alan's perch. I'm sitting in Alan's chair. Alan enters and speaks to the camera.
ALAN: "Oh, hey, did I must miss my thing? Sorry about that. Thanks for covering for me, Mike."
I get up and Alan returns to his chair.
ALAN: "Won't happen again."
"My name is Pete Lee, and don't feel bad. I thought I was going to be Asian, too."
Pete's mom bought him a very un-masculine sweater. When she asked what goes good with that, he said, "Karate lessons."
Pete knows he's not much the he-man. At the gym, the weights he lifts are purple.
You can see Pete on VH-1s "Best Week Ever" on Friday nights.
GARY CLARK JR.: He will be performing this weekend at the Madison Square Garden as part of "Eric Clapton's Crossroads Guitar Festival." His new "iTunes Session" digital album is now available. iTunes . . . . digital album . . . I don't know what any of this means.
Gary Clark Jr. performed a great sounding "Please Come Home." I'll be looking for more.
And that was our show for Tuesday April 09, 2013.
Tax Fun Fact: The Government will collect $2.3 trillion in taxes this year. And they will spend more.
Wrestlemania 29? I thought it was a Rutgers basketball practice.
Great game Monday night and congratulations to the Louisville Cardinals. I have to admit I missed a lot of it. I got caught up in back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of "Family Guy."
CBS is known as the Tiffany Network. So classy is CBS that for Dave's eventual replacement they are looking for a "James."
I had a lot of empathy for single mothers until I heard they are living like Michelle Obama.
Julian Lennon turned 50 this week. His dad made it to 40.
Margaret Thatcher died, which reminds me of a Margaret Thatcher joke my friend Sean Reimer would tell. Whenever I see him . . . about once a year . . . . I ask him to tell it again. Unfortunately, I can't repeat it here. I will say the line leading into the punch line is, "Is it edible?" Actually, I think Sean's impersonation of Ms. Thatcher is what made it funny.
Sigh . . . I wonder how Cubby's doing.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's their birthday! 1976 Ramapo High School grads Erika Citron and Harold Glassberg!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee