CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Tuesday, April 23, 2013 Our Wahoo scribe toils at a coal-powered typewriter.
Show #3836

Steve Martin, Jenna Fischer, and Edie Brickell.
PLUS: The Late Show Earth Friendly; Reese in Trouble; Rebranding the Republican Image; the Foul-Mouthed Anchorman Lands on His Feet; the President and Kid Scientists; Meat Bugs; a Top Ten List; and Stooge of the Night.

" . . . and now, the 'B' in Rutherford B. Hayes . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "The George W. Bush Presidential Library is opening this week. It's the only Presidential Library with a fixin' bar."
- "The public is finally warming up to George W. Bush. So, there's hope for me."

Yesterday was Earth Day and we at the Late Show do what we can to help the environment. Have you noticed how we recycle our jokes? Well, we decided to do more. We take a look.
We've retired our coal-powered typewriter.
We see me banging away at a typewriter. Smoke emits from the IBM Wheelwriter typewriter smoke stack. Yes, that's what we use to type up the blue cards, a typewriter. We're in the process of looking for one with a plug.

Poor Reese Witherspoon. She realized her fault afterwards. A police officer was merely doing his job and she took offense. And now she's on the defense. We take a look at her mug shot. It's the familiar Nick Nolte mug shot, but now he's wearing a dress. We made pretend he was Reese Witherspoon.

The Republican National Committee put together a list of more than 200 ways they can improve their image and their brand. It inspired this segment entitled, "Republican Rebranding Recommendations." We watch.
Announce: "Number 74 --- Promote awareness of different cultures by participating in their customs and celebrations."
We see President George W. dancing with Africans. Hey, whatever works.

I imagine you're familiar with the North Dakota news anchor who was fired on his first day on the job after using profanity on the air. Well, we're happy to report he's landed on his 'givling' feet.
We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "A. J. Clemente was fired by KFYR after this unfortunate incident on his first day."
We watch the now famous clip of his uttering, "givling djoy"
ANNOUNCE: "After being relieved of his position, A. J. Is proud to announce he's now available to come curse for you."
AJ: " . . . givling djoy . . . "
ANNOUNCE: "That's right. For a nominal fee, A. J. Clemente will curse at your corporate event,"
AJ: " . . . givling djoy . . . "
ANNOUNCE: ". . . birthday party . . .
AJ: " . . . givling djoy . . . "
ANNOUNCE: " . . . . bar mitzvah . . .
AJ: " . . . givling djoy . . . "
ANNOUNCE: " . . . or just to tell that special one you love her."
AJ: " . . . givling djoy . . . "
ANNOUNCE: "Act now, and get half off golf appearances by Tiger Woods." (See Tiger swearing into a towel) "Don't delay. Book today!"
AJ: " . . . givling djoy . . . "

President Obama invited students to participate in the White House Science Fair and he was a good sport about demonstrating the kids' creations. We take a look. We see the President on temporarily stationary bike. The bike slips off its stand and he goes flying off camera. Oh, my. I think this is what the AP meant to report.

ACT 2:
According to a report from the government, more than half our country's meat contains superbugs resistant to antibiotics and it's only getting worse. Luckily, help is on the way. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "Based on new government data, a sizable increase has been found in meat contaminated with antibiotic-resistant superbugs. But don't worry. That's why there's Scotts Turf Builder and
Superbug Killer! Simply remove your meat from its packaging and spray it down!"
We see a guy spraying his meat with the Scotts Turf Builder and Superbug Killer.
ANNOUNCE: "Water your meat daily and after three to six weeks, dinner is served!"
We see the guy eating the hunk of meat now sprouting a lush lawn.
ANNOUNCE: "Scotts Turf Builder and Super Bug Killer. Yummo!"

The guy eating the steak and Scotts was cue card guy Todd Seda. It may have been his mind playing tricks on him but he says he wasn't feeling too good afterwards.

Hey, Alan, what time is it?
ALAN: "Dave, it's time for 'Stooge of the Night!' Tonight's Stooge of the Night is Republican Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona!"
We see a photo of a smiling Senator Flake.
DAVE: "Senator Flake voted "NO" on gun-control legislation just weeks after saying, 'One thing we can all agree on is strengthening background checks' for gun buyers. Let's take another look at Jeff Flake . . . . . Good looking guy . . . . has a winning smile . . . gettin' it done! Jeff Flake: he's our Stooge of the Night." The shot of tonight's Stooge remains for quite a while.
DAVE: "Alan?"
ALAN: "'Stooge of the Night,' brought to you by Del Frisco's Double Eagle Steak House. Remember, it's not a steak unless it's a Double Eagle steak.
Back to you, Dave."

TOP TEN: OTHER AP TWITTER ACCOUNT BULLETINS - the Associated Press twitter account was hacked earlier today, reporting that the White House was attacked and the President was injured. The Dow Jones dropped 150 points in two minutes.

OTHER AP TWITTER ACCOUNT BULLETINS
10. "Betty White's pregnant!"
9. "Seal Team 6 captures Reese Witherspoon."
7. "Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes . . . same guy."
5. "George W. Bush to open Presidential Library . . . . . hard to believe, but that's actually true."
2. "Critics agree: Letterman at the top of his game."

I submitted two just in case needed:
- "Bieber says Gandhi would have been a Belieber"
- "Bald eagle spotted in Delaware"
I put in the bald eagle one as a reward for our nightly viewers. Sharp-eared listeners would have recognized the reference from the night before. I would rather have 10% of the viewers to get the inside joke and the other 90% left to scratch their head . . . at least once in a while.

ACT 3:
STEVE MARTIN
He's excited to be invited to the show but adds, "Unfortunately, I'm currently in Europe and unable to be here." He then exits. Biff quietly explains the situation to Mr. Martin, that he IS here and not in Europe. This happens a lot more than one would think to those with a genius mind.
Steve is a brand new dad and as a brand new dad, he tends to think he is the only one to ever have a newborn. The proud dad carries around a baby monitor so he can check in on his offspring. We listen. We hear the sweet and adorable cooing of the babe. Such innocence. And then we hear a screech of a cat, the growl of a dog, a truck horn, coughing, and then the baby's banjo-playing. Steve is your typical proud daddy. The baby's name: Conquistador. Steve says it's "a statement name."
It's fun to see two comedic legends sitting together. Says Steve of Dave: "Some comedians say funny things. Some say things funny. You . . . say things."
Later, Edie Brickell joins Steve in the guest chair. Ms. Brickell performs with the Bohemians and appeared years ago on Dave's old show. I remember her either on Late Night or Saturday Night Live. She was in blue jean bell bottoms and barefoot. Oh, and she stood with her feet funny. That's my recollection, anyway. Dave recalls that Edie likes the whiskey. She says, "Oh, yeah, I like it all." I would remember something like that, too.
Steve and Edie have a new album together, "Love Has Come For You." Steve wrote most of the music; Edie the lyrics.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "It'll be a good one tomorrow, with Dave and his guests Kate Hudson, Ricky Jay, and Selena Gomez. We'll be right back with more creative uses for old submarines."

ACT 6:
JENNA FISCHER
After 9 years, "The Office" will be saying goodbye. Jenna and the cast had a great run and is one of the few shows I enjoy, though I barely watch it. What do I watch? I don't know. Sports, news, and sports, I guess. But if I watched more TV, "The Office" would be high on the list. I hope to watch the reruns in my retirement years. The final "Office" will air on May 16th. Coincidentally, Jenna's off-Broadway play, "Reasons To Be Happy" by Neil Labute, opens on May 16th, presented by MCC Theater at the Lucille Lortel Theater on 121 Christopher Street.

ACT 7:
STEVE MARTIN, EDIE BRICKELL, AND THE STEEP CANYON RANGERS
From their new album, "Love Has Come For You," Steve, Edie and the Rangers performed "When You Go to Ashville." The album cover is a painting done by the great Martin Mull.

And that was our show for Tuesday April 23, 2013.

That was me typing at the smoking typewriter. We taped it Monday just before the show. I was just banging on the keys not caring about gibberish. Did you notice the blue card? Yes, in the shot I had run out of room on the blue card and was typing well passed the bottom. Here's what happened. Originally I was directed to type the blue card while coughing and waving away the smoke. We did a minute of this and then we wanted to go with another shot of my simply typing without coughing, without waving away the smoke. We did this immediately after the first. I didn't even have time to put in a new blue card and by the time we finished this shot, I had exhausted card's available space. If you watched closely, you would have seen I was typing on the black roller of the typewriter. Just before Tuesday's show, I heard we were going to do the coal-fueled typewriter and that Dave wanted the shot standing by after we showed it. I'm sure he noticed I was typing past the blue card and I was fully expecting a revisiting of the shot during the show. It never came. Those in the shack where I watch the show spotted the blue card in the typewriter being past its prime and laughed at my incompetence. Did you catch it?

Yesterday I mentioned that I made homemade lip gloss using Vaseline, pomegranate Crystal Light, and a couple drops of water. The gloss came out very cherry red and very tasty. With the leftover pomegranate, I made a delicious fruit punch with barely a calorie and gulped down a good quart of the stuff. Quite a mouthful of flavor. Five years ago did any of us ever hear of pomegranate?

This just in: sleight-of-hand artist Ricky Jay's appearance has been moved from Wednesday to Friday. Replacing Ricky will be A.J. Clemente, the 'givling djoy' anchorman.

And speaking of Martin Mull, check out his talk show "Fernwood 2-Night" and "America 2-Night" of the late 70s. Funny funny funny. To me it's still the fastest half-hour in TV history. It also featured were Jerry Hubbard and Happy Kyne and His Mirthmakers. Loved it!

I woke up the other morning to find I was urinating blood. Doh! What now? I tried to remember if I had hurt myself in any way in the past 24 hours but my passive self hasn't been hit or banged about in quite a while. How did this happen? As with any crisis in my life, I did nothing and hoped it would go away on its own. I fretted about faulty kidneys and stuff old people worry about. Had I become one of them? I made promises and deals with myself that if this blew over and turned out to be nothing that I would take better care of myself. More exercise, better eating. Some hours later I went to the bathroom again. I was afraid to look. But this time it was clear. My urine was clean! Yippee! I was all better! Halfway through I realized what the problem was. I didn't have blood in my urine . . . It was that damn pomegranate! It wasn't blood, it was pomegranate! So relieved was I, in more ways than one, that I grabbed myself a beer and some salty snacks and had a solo celebration on the back deck. It was pomegranate.

Surprise me in your will!

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's Ramapo High School alum on her birthday, the forever young Joanne Berman
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Jason Bateman
Billy Eichner
Ryan Adams

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, October 18
Do Alan and Foo Fighters' Pat Smear have something going on ?
Thursday, October 16
Dave takes the temperature of a home viewer.
Wednesday, October 15
Run, Bill Murray, run!
Tuesday, October 14
The Wilson sisters, Nancy & Ann, rock out with Foo Fighters.
Monday, October 13
Five nights of Foo Fighters kicks off with Zac Brown.