Kate Hudson, A.J. Clemente, and Selena Gomez.
PLUS: missing George W.; the Dick Cheney library; Kalter offers advice; Stooge of the Night; a Top Ten list; and Tony Mendez Gives Away Endings To Movies In Spanish
“ . . . and now, with the rest of the story . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“The NFL Draft starts tomorrow. I liked the old days when the NFL was all-volunteer.”
-“The New York Jets will take the best athlete available. Just like a Kardashian sister.”
-“The George W. Bush Presidential Library will be dedicated tomorrow. Five presidents are convening . . . to pull one more art heist.”
Recent polling shows that Americans miss George W. Bush. We all miss him here at the Late Show. He was so easy! Dave says he misses him, too.
-We see GWB bumping his head while entering a helicopter.
-And this: GWB stumbling
-And this: can’t open a locked door.
-And this: can’t bounce a dead basketball
-And this: GWB dodges a flinging shoe, and then another.
-And this: GWB spitting
Not only is GWB getting a library, so too is Dick Cheney. We take a look at the Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library.
The image of Mr. Cheney is sculpted into the side of a rocky crag. The face on the Cheney Library speaks in and eerie and frightening tone. Fire shoots from his mouth. It laughs. Or maybe that was actually Cheney.
Dave’s excited to have A.J. Clemente on the show tonight. He’s the news anchor who misspoke on his debut newscast, swearing like a sailor. He was fired the next day. Dave says it’s a mistake even the best make. Our announcer Alan Kalter met with A.J. before the show to offer some pointers to the newbie. We take a look and listen in.
We see Alan and A.J. in the green room. Alan explains: " . . . It's one of the most important things to be aware of. As I was saying before, from the moment you enter the studio, you behave as if that microphone and camera are LIVE. Got it?"
A.J.: “Got it.”
ALAN: "Givl’ing right you've got it!"
(The Wahoo Gazette is a family publication. We resist from writing expletives. To decipher ‘givl’, simply look to the left of each letter in ‘givl’ on your keyboard.
Going into commercial, we see Sue Hum trying to pick a lock.
Hey, Alan, what time is it?
ALAN: “Dave, it’s time for ‘Stooge of the Night!’ Tonight's ‘Stooge of the Night’ is Republican Senator Ted Cruz of Texas."
We see a photo of Senator Ted Cruz of Texas.
DAVE: “Senator Cruz voted ‘NO’ on gun control reform. He recently received $14,000 in contributions from the Gun Owners of America and the National Association for Gun Rights. Senator Ted Cruz. Let’s take a nice long look at Senator Cruz. Ah, there he is, our ‘Stooge of the Night.’ How about a background check on his barber?" The shot of Cruz stays up longer than comfortable.
Alan then closes up tonight’s segment of “Stooge of the Night.”
TOP TEN: QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE TAKING A ONE-WAY TRIP TO MARS
Organizers of the Dutch-based “Mars One” project are accepting applications for a one-way trip to Mars with no promise of return.
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE TAKING A ONE-WAY TRIP TO MARS
9. “Will I have to connect through Atlanta?”
4. “This ain’t one of them Carnival Cruises, right?”
2. “Do I want to be the first guy not to get laid on two planets?”
Since she was here last, Kate has had another child. That makes two. The older, Ryder, is a cool, laid back dude. The younger, Bingham, is a fireball who knows what he wants, a real go-getter, But between the two of them, there’s a lot of “MOM!” in the house. All day long it’s “Mom mom mom!”
Kate’s new film is entitled, “The Reluctant Fundamentalist.” It’s based on the novel of a successful Wall Streeter from Pakistan whose life changes dramatically after 9-11 through no fault of his own.
“The Reluctant Fundamentalist” – opens nationwide this Friday.
We all love going to the movies. Not really, but it’s as good as way of my getting into this next piece. Tonight we brought back a favorite segment of ours in something we call, "Tony Mendez Gives Away the Endings to Movies in Spanish."
TONY: (responding in Spanish) “I will be giving away the ending to the new Tom Cruise film, ‘Oblivion.’ It’s the year 2077 and the earth has been ravaged by aliens. Tom Cruise fixes robots that kill the remaining aliens. It turns out he’s actually controlled by aliens and ends up killing the remaining humans. He defeats the aliens, saves the humans, and the big twist . . . . Tom Cruise is a clone and he dies.”
Tony makes a cutting motion across his throat, the universal sign of death.
Dave has his doubts, questioning if Tom Cruise really does die in the movie. He’s the star. There’s no way Tom Cruise dies. Dave suspects Tony didn’t even go see the movie.
Tony, hurt, remains silent. But his temper gets the best of him and he storms off the stage in anger and ire. The good news he came back later with a promotion to executive producer.
I just added that last part to see if anybody here reads this.
ANNOUNCE: “Join us tomorrow for Dave and his guests Jim Parsons, Snoop Lion, and a special Top Ten List presented by the Madden NFL 14 cover athlete! I’d like to personally welcome any CBS executives tuning in tonight with the authority to give me a raise. Love you guys!”
He’s the news anchor from Bismarck, North Dakota who muttered, “givl’ing djoy” on the air as his first words spoken at the newsdesk. He was canned the next morning. A.J. was born here in the Bronx and moved to Delaware at around 8. He attended West Virginia University in hopes of one day becoming a news anchor. When he got the job, he drove 25 ours with his mom from Delaware to Bismarck. And he was soon on the air out in the field doing reports. He then was moved inside to handle weekends at the desk. A nice quick promotion for A.J.
On his first night, A.J. was to report on the London marathon, the winner being Tsegaye Kebede of Ethiopia. Uh oh. No matter how he tried, A.J. couldn’t get the pronunciation down. This was a shame because all of Bismarck was eager to know the winner. I typed out the name for Dave on a blue card, both the actual spelling and phonetically. Now it’s not the official phonetic spelling, but I thought it would be easiest for Dave to decipher at a glance:
Tsegaye --- seg-gay
Kebede --- Kebba-day
A.J. explains he didn’t know they were back on the air when he muttered his now ‘infamous’ words. There was no stage manager to cue him, he had no ear piece to be in communication with the control room, and he didn’t even realize the music was playing and they were back on the air. Watching the clip, it seems both A.J. and his co-anchor were a bit startled to come back on the air when they did. Not until the third commercial break did A.J. learn what he had done. He immediately apologized on the air. The next morning he was called into the GM’s office. This was their first time meeting. And the last. The GM gave him the “adios.”
So, A.J. is free people! If you want a quick spike in your ratings, give this kid a call.
SELENA GOMEZ – She has a new single, probably available on that iPhone app thing or whatever the kids use now. The single is entitled “Come and Get It.” Not sure if it’s available on 45.
And that was our show for Wednesday, April 24, 2013.
OK, so A.J. may have screwed up, but did you notice who else screwed up at KFYR-TV in Bismarck? The chyron operator! The guy or gal who types up the words you see on the TV screen. Watch the clip and you will see A.J.
Clemente’s name typed out with a missing period after the J in A.J. If I saw that I might have reacted the same way as Mr. Clemente.
We all make mistakes. I’m particularly enjoying the chyron operator who has to see his or her mistake over and over again on the YouTube and TV shows replaying Clemente’s salty talk.
I was excited for Kate Hudson tonight. I feel I have a connection with her. Back on October 30th of 2012, I appeared on the Late Show as her. She couldn’t make it due to Hurricane Sandy and we put on a show before an empty audience. Since she couldn’t make it, I filled in as her. Read all about it in the Wahoo archives: October 30, 2102.
And just for her visit tonight, I wore the exact same thing as I did then.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From the Hillcrest Volunteer Firehouse and Commander of the Kearsing-Edwards American Legion, it’s the affable and big-hearted Gary Wren
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
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