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Thursday, April 25, 2013 Cigarettes over 16 ounces? Banned by Mayor Bloomberg.
Show #3838
Jim Parsons, and Snoop Lion.
PLUS: The Mayor and Cigarettes; 'Thanks A Lot, Mom"; the GWBush Library; the NFL Draft; Stooge of the Night; the Richest Man in the World, and a Top Ten List with Madden NFL 25 Cover Athlete Barry Sanders.

" . . . and now, the cat's pajamas . . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Uh oh. The sequester has claimed another victim. Fleet Week won't be coming to New York City this year. It's when the U.S. Navy men and women come to the city for a festive and educational week for all to enjoy. Unfortunately, Fleet Week isn't coming this year. It's not in the budget. This greatly upsets Dave. He'll have to wait a whole year to walk around the city in his sailor outfit.
- "The new George W. Bush Library has a huge section on 'Weapons of Mass Destruction" . . . except nobody can find it."

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is at it again. Now he's pushing for new laws governing tobacco sales. We take a look at this:
ANNOUNCE: "Mayor Michael Bloomberg cares about New Yorkers' health. He plans to raise the minimum age for cigarette purchases from 18 to 21. Also, he's banning cigarettes over 16 ounces."
We see a few guys smoking outside an office building. One is smoking a huge, super-thick cigarette measuring nearly a yard long. BANNED
ANNOUNCE: "The City of New York: End of discussion."

Did you see the size of that cigarette? Benson & Hedges really outdid themselves this time.
What's the cut-off age of getting that joke?

It's time for a brand new segment called, "Thanks A Lot, Mom!"
ART CARD: "Thanks A Lot, Mom."
We see the matriarch, Mrs. George H.W. Bush, being interviewed by Matt Lauer. We hear him ask: "Mrs. Bush, would you like to see your son Jeb run?"
BARBARA BUSH: "He's by far the best-qualified man, but no, I really don't . . . . .. We've had enough Bushes."

The dedication ceremony of the George W. Bush Library and Museum took place today. It's quite a place. It has everything you would ever want at a Chuckie Cheese. We take a look at this report from the Cable News Network.
ANNOUNCE: "All five living presidents attended the dedication ceremony today for the new George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum. The ceremony included a tour of the 14,000-square-foot facility, but was held up momentarily after an unfortunate incident with one of the museum's many arcade machines."
We cut to GWB43 trapped in a claw machine. He pounds on the window looking for help. Me? I'd probably try for one of the stuffed animals.
ANNOUNCE: "More news, after this."

Football fanatics are all excited about the 2013 NFL draft taking place down the road at the Radio City. Hopefully, the Jets did a little more due diligence in making their #1 pick then they did last year. Remember? We take a look at last year's 2012 NFL draft and the Jets selection.
NFL COMMISSIONER ROGER GOODELL: "With the 16th pick in the 2012 draft, the New York Jets select . . . Angela Lansbury"
We cut to the crowd to see Ms. Lansbury rising to be greeted by the Jets management and the NFL.

ACT 2:
Dave is feeling a bit under the weather. Not feeling too well. That happens a lot when the weather gets nice. People want to rush the good weather and run out of the house ill-clothed for the still chilly temps. Is it a cold? Is it a flu? Is it tick-related? Dave isn't sure, but everyone else seems to think its allergies. Dave says he's never had allergies but is beginning to agree with the diagnosis just to keep them quiet, but he won't be going to one of those allergy doctors because the last thing he wants to do is have one of those prick tests.

Hey, Alan, what time is it?
ALAN: "It's time for 'Stooge of the Night!' Tonight's stooge of the night is Republican Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky."
We stay on a photo of Mr. Mitch.
DAVE: "Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell voted 'NO' on gun reform legislation despite the fact that 82% of Kentucky voters are in favor of background checks for gun buyers. 82% of his Kentucky constituents want background checks.
'Hi, I'm Mitch McConnell. Are you happy with your dental implants? Did you leave your teeth back at the office, Mitch?'
It's Mitch McConnell, and he is our 'Stooge of the Night.'"
The preceding message was brought to you buy Del Frisco's Double Eagle Steak House.

Uh, oh. Seems to be a problem. Coming from the guest entrance is billows of smoke. Dave eases the audience by confirming that he is in charge and there is nothing to worry about. The smoke? Dave thinks he knows what it is. Dave calls out to our guest tonight, "Snoop? Is that you?" A camera makes its way through the smoke to find the often-herbed Snoop Lion, but it's not what you think. He's playing with a smoke machine. Thinks it's cool. See that? It was just a smoke machine, not a 16-ounce blunt.

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOU PROBABLY WON'T MAKE THE NFL - and here with tonight's Top Ten List is the cover athlete for the "Madden NFL 25" video game, the great Barry Sanders.
- 10 years with the Detroit Lions (1989-1999)
- 10-time All Pro
- 1997 NFL MVP
- Over 15,000 career rushing yards and 99 touchdowns
- 1988 Heisman Trophy winner at Oklahoma State.
And he's about my size.
SIGNS YOU PROBABLY WON'T MAKE THE NFL

4. You prefer to stop runners by reasoning with them.
3. Your tattoo reads: "#1 Belieber."
1. Spend most of the game with hands under the center, but you aren't the quarterback.

As always, to truly appreciate tonight's Top Ten list watch the presentation on the Late Show website. And be sure to read the Wahoo Gazette while you are there. It's a wry delight.

ACT 3:
JIM PARSONS
From the super popular "The Big Bang Theory" right here on CBS. Dave is stunned to learn that Jim is 40 years old. He looks much too youthful to be 40. Jim is thrilled to be 40. How so? He says, "I just don't care what you think about me anymore." Not Dave specifically, but people in general. He just doesn't care. Not caring what people think of you comes with age . . . . . and having the most popular show on TV and millions in the bank. Give me millions and I wouldn't much care what you thought of me either.
Not caring what people think has made Jim not nearly as friendly as he used to be.
Dave sums it up: "40 is the 'Kiss My Ass' birthday."
Bob Newhart made an appearance on "The Big Bang Theory," playing a former professor of Jim's character. Jim is a big fan of Mr. Newhart's and was very impressed at how he controlled the flow of the game. The Big Bang can move along pretty fast, but Bob wouldn't do his line until he felt the time was right. And, of course, Bob Newhart made it work to perfection. Bob on the Bang - May 2nd. "The Big Bang Theory" - Thursdays at 8 PM on the Columbia Broadcasting System.

ACT 4:
Having a show like this allows us to meet some of the most amazing people in the world, and tonight is no different. Here gracing our stage this evening is the richest man in the world: Mexican businessman, Carlos Slim, worth $57 billion! Mr. Slim slowly and confidently enters to his mark, center stage. When you have $57 billion, you can take as long as you want. And when you have $57 billion you don't have to speak English, and Mr. Carlos Slim opts to not. He addresses the audience in Spanish.

CARLOS SLIM (in Spanish, translated here) "Thank you, Jimmy. Hello, friends. My name is Carlos Slim. I'm a multi-billionaire . . . . and then some. Ca-ching! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! My tax refund just arrived and I used the money to buy myself a few neckties . . . . and an airline! Ca-ching! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What a delightful turnout we have at tonight's seminar. I wish I could say the same about the buffet! Ha ha ha ha! The buffet is not good. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Many people ask me, 'Brave, handsome, Mr. Carlos Slim . . . how can I be as successful as you?' And I tell them, 'First get yourself $57 billion . . . . that will help, Zorro!' Ca-ching! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Now I must leave you. I have to be home to watch 'Wheel' and 'Jeopardy'. I make more money sitting in my recliner than those losers do playing the game! Ca-ching! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sleep tight, Zorro! Ca-ching! Ha ha ha ha!" Exits.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Same time, same place tomorrow for Dave with Jon Hamm, sleight-of-hand magician Ricky Jay, and The So So Glos. Reminder: Next week only, due to a scheduling quirk, Wednesday will not be Hump Day. Please plan accordingly."

ACT 6:
SNOOP LION
He's the former Snoop Dogg, now Snoop Lion. He's transformed from Hip Hop gangsta rap to reggae. His name change stems from his baptism as a Rastafarian in Jamaica. Snoop says he wanted to write and perform songs about the life he is living now. When he first started he wrote what he knew, which was life on the streets and everything that went with that. His life is different now. Reggae is all about positivity and love and hope. He says he was "a man who once led people in the wrong direction but now I'm a man who leads people in the right direction." The change is reflected in his aptly titled album, "Reincarnated". A documentary of the same name tells to his transformation.

Mr. Lion then performed "No Guns Allowed" from his new album, "Reincarnated." That was his daughter, Cori B, performing with him.

And that was our show for Thursday April 25, 2013.

So I looked up the commercial jingle for the Benson & Hedges extra-long cigarettes. Lo and behold . . . yes, both . . . lo AND behold . . . . I found that Benson & Hedges cigarettes were known for their extra length, BUT it was the Chesterfield 101 cigarettes that had the jingle I was looking for: "A silly millimeter longer, 101 . . . a silly millimeter longer, 101 . . 101. . .101. . ." Who knew? The brain is a funny thing, that is if you think gray, wet, wrinkly, squishy things are funny.

Carlos Slim - the world's richest man. The script had his worth at $57 billion, so I put that up near the top of Dave's blue card. I wanted it to match Carlos' read. I then found he is probably worth closer to $73 billion, but does it really matter when you get that high? And as always, to give you an idea of how much $73 billion is . . . . . his actual worth is $73.6 billion . . . . well, that "point 6" is 600 million dollars. Yeah, that little itty bitty 'point 6' is 600 million dollars.
I wonder if he cares what people think of him. I imagine when you have little, you care what people think. When you have a lot, you don't care. And when you have a real real lot, you start caring again.

This year's first round of the NFL draft didn't have the exciting picks they've had in the past. One quarterback, few wide receivers, few running backs. It was a lot of offensive and defensive linemen. Damn! It looks like the rest of the NFL has caught onto the Giants and Steelers system. They know that everything starts with the offensive and defensive line. A great defensive line will make your secondary much better. A great offensive line will make for a great quarterback and running back. It doesn't usually work the other way.

And speaking of the NFL draft, my Late Show script cover was about the draft. We had a joke tonight about the usually inept New York Jets selecting Angela Lansbury as their #1 pick last year. Without seeing that joke, I made a very similar script cover. I considered going in that direction, putting Betty White as the Jets #1 pick of having a shot of her holding up a New York Jets jersey with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, but I thought Betty White was too easy. She's become too much of a "go-to" reference . . . . and that's because she is so good. But I never like to go easy . . . don't like the 'usual.' Angela Lansbury was a good choice, one that I didn't consider. Instead, my script cover had Roger Goodell with the New York Jets #1 being . . . . . . c'mon, play along . . . . . Richard Simmons? No, too easy. Andy Dick? Hmmm, I considered him, but no. For my own personal pleasure . . . to satisfy me at the sacrifice of others . . . I made the New York Jets #1 pick to be . . . . . songwriter Paul Williams.

I only know Paul Williams as being a songwriter from the 70s who always seemed available to appear on "Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island" and variety shows. I'm probably the only one who enjoyed the reference.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
She's an Emmy Award-winning journalist at WSB-TV and former volleyball player at UNC Chapel Hill, my former intern Heather Catlin!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, September 13
Is George Clooney having second thoughts?
Thursday, September 11
Billy Eichner and Dave enjoy a screaming match.
Wednesday, September 10
Dr. Phil gets the Big Red treatment.
Tuesday, September 9
Dave & Michael Strahan and their mutual admiration society.
Monday, September 8
Dave and Vladimir: Just a couple guys talking about Dairy Queen.