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Tuesday, April 30, 2013 The Queen enjoys a smoke outside Buckingham Palace.
Show # Dr. Phil, Chris ODowd, and Phoenix.
PLUS: The First Openly Gay Talk Show Host; What's Happening on the Balcony; Martha Stewart Looking to Getting it On; Stooge of the Night; and Charts and Graphs.

. . . and now, traveling Willbury . . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- It was so nice today. A robin tried to hatch Dr. Phils head.
- Dr. Phil is here. He's in town for a reunion of his online college.
- Obama has said that by the end of the year we'd have a man on Martha Stewart.

Dave did his annual Tony Award joke about the Late Show being nominated for Biggest Waste of a Broadway Theater. I expected Property Master Pat Farmer to come running back to the shack to suggest we re-use the re-used Playbill with the Late Show on the cover with the caption: Biggest Waste of a Broadway Theater. Happens every year. But not this time.

What's this? A caption at the bottom of the screen reads: "Dave Letterman: First Openly Gay Talk Show Host." He awaits a phone call from the President.

Two years ago, Prince William and Kate Middleton were married. Remember that famous photo of them kissing on the balcony? So sweet. We take another look. Dave wonders what is happening on the balcony today. We take a look.
Hey, it's the Queen smoking a cigarette. The brand?
Groaner Alert!
The brand of cigarette the Queen is smoking? Parliament!

Martha Stewart announced on the Today show that she is signing up on Match.com in search of a relationship. Whoever the lucky fellow is, this is what he has to look forward to, in something we call: "Martha Stewart: Desperate for Love"
We see a clip of Ms. Martha preparing a turkey. Slo-mo, and from what Im told, music you'd hear in a porn movie. Martha rubs the turkey oh so softly, oh so slowly.
She murmurs, Nice and moist. Oh, yeah, look at this gorgeous meat.
I imagine she'll be getting lots of hits on the Match.com site

ACT 2:
It's time for Stooge of the Night! Tonight's stooge is New Hampshire Republican Senator Kelly Ayotte.
DAVE: New Hampshire Senator Kelly Ayotte voted NO on gun reform legislation despite the fact that 89% of voters in her state support background check for gun buyers. Let's take a nice long look at her.
Hi, I'm Kathy Ayotte. Can I show you a four-bed, three-bath ranch house? Priced to move? Look at the phony books behind me.
It's Kelly Ayotte, and she is our Stooge of the Night.
Alan closes it up, sponsored by Sammys Roumanian Steakhouse. You dont have to be Romanian to enjoy a Roumanian Steak.

It's Tuesday, so you know what that means . . . time for "Charts and Graphs"

THOUGHTS AFTER THE TONY NOMINATIONS WERE ANNOUNCED EARLIER TODAY:
- 22% - I knew Tom Hanks would be nominated for Best Actor
- 78% - "Will my wife suspect anything because I woke up early to watch the Tony nominations?"

SIGNS OF SPRING
#1. Sighting the first robin
#2. Flowers budding
#3. Jay Leno fired from the Tonight Show

REASONS PEOPLE ENJOY WATCHING GAME OF THRONES:
- 64% - the nudity
- 31% - the dragons
- 5% - the dragon nudity
- 64% - the nudity

AMERICA'S FAVORITE ICE CREAM TOPPINGS:
- 20% - caramel
- 35% - chocolate syrup
- 45% - more ice cream

UNITED STATES' FOAM FINGER PRODUCTION SINCE 1971:
The chart starts at 1971 and on to today. The chart reads like a foam #1 finger.

TODAY SHOW VIEWERS' OPINIONS OF HOST MATT LAUER:
- 64% hate Matt Lauer
- 36% despise Matt Lauer.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE A PHOTO OF AN ADORABLE BABY HEDGEHOG?
- 100% - "Dear Lord, yes!"
We cut to an adorable photo of a baby hedgehog.

MOST-POPULAR TV SHOW FEATURING ZOMBIES:
- 80% - The Walking Dead
- 20% - Late Show with David Letterman

AMERICANS' CHOICE OF SLEEP AID: (besides Late Show with David Letterman)
- 39% - Sominex
- 60% - Ambien
- 1% - Dr. Conrad Murray

DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A LEADER OR A FOLLOWER?
- 50% - leader
- 50% - "Whatever they said."

ACT 3:
DR. PHIL
Says Dr. Phil: I always feel good about myself until I come here.
Dave knows Dr. Phil isn't a medical doctor but hopes he could give some insight into Daves allergies. Dave says he is now 66 years old and for the first 65 years he never had allergies. This year, BANG! Allergies. Dr. Phil says, You're starting to die from the inside out.
Dave says he isn't at all pleased to have allergies. Growing up, Dave saw those with allergies as being . . . less than human. He would make fun of those with allergies. I once remember Dave saying he considered allergies to be a sign of weakness. So why does Dave have allergies now after all these years? Dr. Phil: Probably guilt, then adds it is karma coming back to kick Daves sarcastic ass.
It is always fun to see Dave and the good Doctor do battle. Dave loves to give a jab, but loves to be on the receiving end of a good jab as well. It's all in good fun. Dr. Phil gets it. Many don't. Dave and Phil give it with the slightest of smiles and a twinkle in the eye. It's a signal not everyone sees or understands. It's Charles Grodin-esque. It was very tense at first on both sides but I think Bill OReilly and Dave are getting there.

Dave is looking for free advice from Dr. Phil who summarizes: Psychology works best for those who need it least. Dr. Phil then goes on about how it doesn't always work for those who are layered deeply in problem after problem after problem, not hiding very well that he was alluding to Dave. Dave responds after some silent thought: I'll hold your wallet while you go 'givl' yourself. I never quite heard it put that way. Wait here while I Google it.
Nothing. What I did get was Google Wallet Security A Locked Wallet is a Safer Wallet.

Dr. Phil and Dave always a hoot.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: Jot this down: tomorrow Daves got Tobey Maguire, Tom Odell, and Stupid Pet Tricks. Visit CBS.com/lateshow to watch Phoenix Live on Letterman! Phoenix's exclusive online concert can be streamed on demand. It's good, and good for you!

ACT 6:
CHRIS O'DOWD From the new HBO series, "Family Tree." Chris is best known from the film Bridesmaid and has become a sort of sex symbol. Chris quickly points out that he is no sex symbol. He knows this. He attended a dinner recently and met Brad Pitt. Chris and his wife were introduced. Chris shook Brads hand, as did his wife. They chatted a bit and Chris couldnt help but notice that his wife was still holding onto one of Brad's fingers. He admits it was a bit uncomfortable. Making their way to their seat, his wife said to Chris, 74 seconds . . . . . I touched him for 74 seconds.
At another dinner function, he and his wife met Bradley Cooper. They were seated at the same table. At the end of the night, his wife opened her purse to show Chris. Chris looked in and asked, What is that? She said, Bradley Cooper's fork. Chris says its hard to feel like a sex symbol when your wife is stealing another mans cutlery.
Family Tree the new comedy series debuts May 12 on HBO at 10:30 PM.

ACT 7:
PHOENIX
From their album Bankrupt, the band from France performed Trying To Be Cool.

And that was our show for Tuesday April 30, 2013.

The NFL Draft is very interesting here in New York. Jet fans are always second guessing the picks of their team. Giant fans have learned to trust. You'll hear Giant fans question a pick but they'll usually end up saying, . . . but they know more than me. Jet fans are just the opposite. They'll moan about a pick, Oh, no, somethings gotta be wrong with him.

I want to become successful enough that I can walk with confidence wearing a hat.

What I weekend I had! I bought a power washer! I tried it out on some lawn furniture and it cleaned it lickety-split spotless. I was very impressed. Then I eyed some mold on the side of the house. I pointed and sprayed and off it came just like that. Unfortunately, you can't spot-clean a house. A dirty house doesn't look dirty if the entire house is dirty. Clean a spot on a dirty house and then it becomes obvious. So that's what I did. I cleaned a spot which in turn resulted in my having to power wash the entire house. But like always, with a beer and music by my side the work didn't seem like work.

And then I potted some plants. It was the first really nice weekend of the year and I, like hundreds of others in the area, were itching to tend to some gardening. The big story in these parts is the impatiens, an easy-for-beginners plant. They've become infested with rot and you cant grow them. Its gotten worse these past few years and now it has become epidemic. The impatiens are flora non grata. I've decided to go with begonias. Well see how that goes. Oh, and I know I probably jumped the gun. It's common knowledge that you should delay planting around here until Mothers Day. There's always one more frost on the way that'll punch your flowers right in the stomach and ruin em for the year. Mothers Day seems to be the cut off. Wait till then and youll likely be OK. But I couldn't wait.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Northwood High School alum in Irvine, California, it's his birthday, Christian Gregor.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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