Stupid Pet Tricks, Tobey Maguire, and Tom Odell.
PLUS: The Tony Award Nominations; the new head of the FCC; what Martha's like; Local News Highlight of the Night; Stooge of the Night; a Top Ten list; and Late Show Charades.
" . . . and now, with the constitution of an ox . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
-"Two years since we got Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden never knew what hit him. It was like being married to a Kardashian."
-"Martha Stewart is looking for a man. She's been getting tips from the CEO of Match.com. Isn't that insider dating?"
The Tony Award nominations were announced yesterday and they've added a new category. We take a look at the morning's announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "And now, for the nominees. The nominees for Best Performance by a Guy Dragged Against His Will to a Broadway Show are:
-Larry Brand (we see him on his handheld phone so many of the kids have)
-Chris Parks (fighting sleep)
-George Tompkins (fast asleep)
-and Mark Gibbons. (leaving to "get something")
ANNOUNCE: "Congratulations to all of this year's nominees."
We have a new head of the FCC! We take a look at the announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "The Federal Communications Commission is poised to enter a new era. President Obama has nominated a capable leader to serve as our next chairman . . . . . ‘Djoyy Givl'sonn"
We see his photo. His name is bleeped for obvious reasons. Did you get a look at the guy? Probably should have mosaicked it as well.
ANNOUNCE: "The FCC: Guarding the nation's airwaves since 1934."
Martha Stewart is looking for a man. She said as much on the "Today" show with Matt Lauer. Coincidentally, the "Today" show is looking for an audience. For any potential suitor who may be considering hooking up with Ms. Martha, it would be wise to prepare yourself for what like may be like with Martha Stewart. We take a look at a clip from the TV movie, "Martha Stewart, Inc," or something like that, from 2003, starring Cybill Shepherd as Martha Stewart.
We see "Martha" driving down a country street. She stops to bark at a female jogger: "Hey, slut. I'm writing a letter to your parents to tell them you're a whore."
Dave had the same reaction I had. You could tell it was from the olden days, 2003. Martha hadn't yet learned to use the e-mail. People still wrote letters back then.
Time now for "Local News Highlight of the Night"
We see chief meteorologist for KHOU-11 News, David Paul. He gives the weather report. Unfortunately, there was a 100% chance of hiccups. David Paul charges on, hiccupping throughout.
Heh heh heh heh . . . . David . . . . and Paul. Just like here.
This just in . . . . Dave admits to getting the name wrong of the new head of the FCC. It isn't ‘Djoyy Givl'sson . . . . it's "'Djoyy Givl'erson.
Hey, Alan, what time is it?
ALAN: "It's time for ‘Stooge of the Night.' Tonight's ‘Stooge of the Night' is Republican Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina."
DAVE: North Carolina Senator Richard ‘Dick' Burr voted ‘NO' on gun reform legislation. Last month, Senator Burr received a $1000 donation from a British company that manufactures ammunition. Remember, there's no background check if you want to buy a Senator.
‘Hi, I'm Richard Burr. How about you and I bang back a couple of stingers?'
It's Richard Burr, and he's our ‘Stooge of the Night."
Alan shouts us out, announcing tonight's sponsor: Sammy's Roumanian Steakhouse. "You've tried the rest, now try Bucharest!"
TOP TEN: OTHER STADIUM INNOVATIONS
The Atlanta Falcons are building a new stadium with vibrating seats. And will it be the citizens of Atlanta who will be paying for it? Good grief. Fans just want a seat, a beer, and parking at a decent price. Everything else if fluff.
OTHER STADIUM INNOVATIONS
10. Cup holder holders
8. Fully-obstructed-view seating
It's Wednesday, so you know what that means!
STUPID PET TRICKS
1. Heather Brook and Jesse.
Jesse is a Jack Russell Terrier. Heather is a photographer. They are here from Litchfield Park, Arizona. Jesse on command does a series of somersaults across the floor. Jesse does all that for a few Kibbles.
Heather and Jesse were here once before, back on September 23, 2009. What did they do then? From the Wahoo:
"What can Jesse do? Whenever Heather goes on a trip, Jesse wants to go along. Off to the side is a black suitcase. When Heather says it is time to go, Jesse runs and leaps into the suitcase, closing the lid behind. "
2. Linda Wright and Rogue.
Rogue is an Australian cattle dog. They are here from Irvine, California.
Rogue's trick is he can drive a John Deere toy tractor. Rogue hops in and drives. Seems like he was taking the same route Dave usually takes for New Holiday Toys when he annually drives into the Late Show Christmas Tree.
This is also their second appearance on the show. They were first here just a few months ago on November 13, 2012. Rogue was teamed with fellow dog, Ruger. What did they do then? From the Wahoo:
"Ruger and Rogue . . . . take turns pushing one another in a toy car."
3. Jonathan Offi and Hydro.
Hydro is an Australian cattle dog. They are here from St. Louis, Missouri. What can Hydro do for us? He can high jump. For those of you who may not know, the high jump is Dave's favorite Olympic event. The bar is set at 68 inches high. On command, Hydro runs and jumps onto a table and then continues with a leap over the 68" high bar into the waiting arms of Jonathan. Hydro made it on his third attempt. This should tell you that the show ran on time.
And that was Stupid Pet Tricks.
Spider-Man is in The Great Gatsby! Tobey stars in the film with his buddy, Leonardo Dicaprio. They have known each other for over 20 years. They first met while auditioning for the TV series, "Parenthood." They were no more than 15 years old or so. We see a photo of the teens just hanging at the audition. Tobey remembers seeing Leo on the set. Leonardo was a stringbean of a kid and Tobey thought Leo had no chance of winning the audition. Oops. The job when to Leo. Some time later, Tobey had a role on the show and that's when the two really hit it off. They both auditioned for "This Boy's Life" starring Robert Deniro. It was here that they made a pact. If either was selected for the film, he would help the other get a part. Leo got in and got Tobey in a scene with Deniro. That was the last time they've worked together since.
"The Great Gatsby" – it opens May 10th at a theater everywhere.
ANNOUNCE: "Tomorrow we keep on rollin' with Paris Hilton, the woman who accidentally swallowed a $5,000 diamond, Miriam Tucker, and Atlas Genius. Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Phoenix Live on Letterman. Phoenix's exclusive online concert can be streamed on demand!
You should have that looked at."
Dave is interrupted.
Alan: "It's time for Late Show Charades!"
Three Late Show staffers run in wearing their Late Show Charade t-shirts. Cue Card guy Todd Seda acts out the name of a popular film. He flaps his arms like a bird. Fellow staffers Kathy Mavrikakis and Michael Leach shout out possible movie titles based on the hints given by Todd. After 30 seconds, they cannot come up with the right movie. Kathy and Michael did succeed in getting in 5 lines which boosted their AFTRA/SAG payment. Good for them!
Dave is not a fan of parlor games, though does come up with the correct movie title, "One Flew Over The Cuckoos' Nest"
From his new CD, "Songs From Another Love," Tom Odell performed "Another Love."
And that was our show for Wednesday, May 01, 2013.
My girls are especially excited for "The Great Gatsby" movie because the book is currently assigned for their English class. I somehow avoided having to read it but I put it on my reading list last year. I think I'll make it my summer read at the beach. I hear there are a lot of car chases in it.
Shouldn't "Good Morning America" have a comma in it? It's why I don't watch.
The owner of the Chicago Cubs is threatening to move the team out of town unless he gets a huge and exciting scoreboard. Yes, Chicago Cub fans are clamoring for a big loud obnoxious scoreboard for their sacred Wrigley. What's that? You mean the fans don't want it? Then who does? Oh, only the owner. He says he needs a big flashy video screen in the outfield to generate revenue to refurbish the cherished Wrigley Field.
Hey, you kids from Chicago, don't fall for it. Steinbrenner once threatened to move the Yankees out of the Bronx if he didn't get what he wanted. If you move the Yankees out of the Bronx or the Cubs out of Wrigley or the Red Sox out of Fenway, well then they become just like any other team in the major leagues. Believe me, the Yankee stature has fallen in these parts since they left the old Yankee Stadium for a new one, and it's just across the street. Go ahead, Cubs owner, move out of Wrigley. Move out of Chicago. Do you really think fans go to Wrigley to see the Cubs? No, they go to see Wrigley.
Oh, and one more thing. If Wrigley gets the huge video screen to generate revenue, let it be known that whoever buys advertising on it will be avoided.
But it's not my money, so who am I to squawk?
I ever tell you that I went to the new Yankee Stadium and decided to get front row seats upstairs. I never sat on the rail before and figured if not now, when? So I plunked down a bunch for four seats for the family. It was out in right field in foul territory. Right on the rail. And our seats pointed out towards centerfield. Yeah. I had to turn my head the whole game to see the batter. And heaven forbid if the guy to my left wanted to lean his elbows on the railing. It was an awful experience. By the end of the game I had a sore neck. But I can't expect everything from a billion dollar stadium.
When I was a kid making barely above minimum wage, I would go to 15-20 games a year. I've been to the new Yankee Stadium three times in 5 years.
I've been invited! I've been invited! I've been invited to play Candy Crush Saga on facebook.
Unfortunately, I can't make it. I got a . . . thing I gotta do. Busy.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday, from New York City by way of Derby, Connecticut, it's Sean M. Connery
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee