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Thursday, May 2, 2013 A news guy files a report from the Ed Sullivan Theater.
Show #3843
Paris Hilton, Miriam Tucker, and Atlas Genius.
PLUS: Local News Bulletin; Reactions to Jason Collins; Stooge of the Night; a Top Ten List; and TILT!

" . . . and now, never admits to a pedicure . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "'Wheel of Fortune' is in New York this week. I bumped into Pat Sajak on the street and at the same exact time we both said, 'Your show's still on?!'"

Time for "Local News Bulletin of the Night"
We see a field reporter with the ending comment, "Mr. Ding-A-Ling, though, declined to comment on any of this."

In a ground-breaking announcement, 12-year NBA veteran Jason Collins came out as the first openly gay active male athlete on an American sports team. People from all over the world have had strong reactions to the news. We take a look.
ART CARD: REACTIONS TO THE JASON COLLINS ANNOUNCEMENT ANNOUNCE: (photo of Bill Clinton) "Former president Bill Clinton said, 'Jason's announcement today is an important moment for professional sports and in the history of the LGBT community.'
(photo of NBA Commissioner David Stern: NBA commissioner David Stern said, 'We are proud he has assumed the leadership mantle on this very important issue.'
(photo of Martha Stewart): And Martha Stewart said, 'That's one more guy who won't sleep with me.'
This has been 'Reactions to the Jason Collins Announcement.'"

ACT 2:
Hey, Alan, what time is it? Tonight's Stooge of the Night is Republican Senator Johnny Isakson of Georgia.
Photo of Senator Johnny Isakson.
DAVE: "Georgia Senator Johnny Isakson voted 'NO' on gun reform legislation despite the fact that 91% of voters in his state are in favor of background checks for gun buyers. Let's take a nice long look at him. 'Hi, I'm Johnny Isakson. Great news! I got us a 10:30 tee time! It's under Johnny Iron.' It's Johnny Isakson, and he's our Stooge of the Night."

TOP TEN - Following the Top Ten animation, we find CBS-2 news reporter Jay "Johnson" Hammond standing to the side of Dave's desk. We can see a confused Dave in the background.
JAY: "3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . Good evening. I'm here live at the Ed Sullivan Theater where the 'Late Show' is currently in progress. Jokes so far have been marginally funny and audience reaction ranges from bored to angry, especially the guy on the end of the second row." (we cut to a guy at the end of a row who doesn't seem to be enjoying himself all that much. No, we didn't plant him there. He was an actual)
"I'll be here all night as the situation unfolds. For CBS-2 News, I'm Jay Hammond."
Jay then says to his cameraman: "OK? Great." Jay and the camera guy exit.
Dave isn't quite sure what that was all about.

TOP TEN: THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN A MOVIE PREVIEW
Presenting tonight's Top Ten is well-known voice actor . . . . at least his voice is well known . . . . Hugh Morgan. Tonight's Top Ten is an audio daily double, presented by the booming baritone of Hugh Morgan. You hear his voice during movie previews and trailers.

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN A MOVIE PREVIEW
10. "In a world where waffles do not exist..."
9. "From the director who once met the nephew of the director who brought you 'The Godfather'"
8. "Meryl Streep is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie"
7. "Come see the film 'Entertainment Weekly' calls '97 minutes in length'"
6. "Starring Tom Hanks, but not that Tom Hanks"
5. "The incredible, true story of a teenager's monkey, seized by German authorities"
4. "Strap yourself in for two hours you'll never get back"
3. "Coming soon, another asinine movie about vampires"
2. "Special Sneak Preview at midnight in my van"
1. "Anthony Weiner in 3-D"

ACT 3:
PARIS HILTON
Gotta love/hate her entrance . . . and on hip, sashaying across the stage. I like the silliness. Not sure if she is caricaturing the prance or if that's her norm.
Paris has been busy traveling the world and recently opened her 44th store worldwide. She's currently promoting her new fragrance, "Dazzle," her 15th. What was her 14th? "Tease." Can Paris tell one fragrance from the other? Oh, she sure can. We test her nose. Dave blindfolds the entrepreneur and sprays one of the 15 bottled fragrances that sits on his desk. Paris sniffs and guesses: "Heiress?" BUZZ.
She tries again: "Just Me?" DING!
Dave wipes her arm clean and tries again. This time: Windex! Paris sniffs and immediately knows something's up, and kudos to her for realizing it is indeed Windex! She lovingly calls Dave an "sdd"hole. She was unaware we would be doing this, so nice job, Paris!

Paris is featured in the new film, "The Bling Ring," a true story of teens in California who would burglarize homes of celebrities who they learned were out of town from the tabloids. Paris had millions of jewels pilfered from her home. She permitted her house to be used in the making of the film. Now if anyone wants to burglarize her home, they won't have to go looking around once inside. They'll have the floor plans right in the movie.
"The Bling Ring" - it opens June 14th in New York and Los Angeles.

And as usual when Paris visits, she has her boyfriend sitting in the green room. And as usual, the boyfriend is never the same. We take a quick look at the forever 21 year old. Paris says "He's hot."

ACT 4:
Dave is discussing Paris' visit with Paul when all of a sudden a "TILT" graphic appear in the upper left of the screen. We hear a robot "Tilt Tilt Tilt Tilt Tilt." Dave's desk starts to tilt towards his left, towards the spiral staircase. The objects on this desk slide off. Dave hangs on for dear life. After a few moments, the desk tilts back to its right position. A relieved Dave is happy to survive and says the show hasn't tilted like that in quite a while. We get a shot of the stagehand team who were in charge of pulling the filaments that we pretended not to see attached to the objects on the desk. We go to break while Dave collects his bearings.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "More entertainment tomorrow? Okay, how about Dave with Nathan Lane, comedian Joe Matarese, and Kacey Musgraves. Watch the upcoming commercials closely. One of the actors is a degenerate gambler. Try to spot him. And remember, bet with your head, not over it."

ACT 6:
MIRIAM TUCKER
Miriam, 80 years old, made headlines recently when she drank some champagne at a Tampa Woman's Club luncheon. The club does a lot of good in the Tampa area, volunteering and raising money for charities. This luncheon was a fundraiser for "Champions for Children" which supports bullied and abused children. As part of the fundraiser, the 300 guests were able to order a $20 glass of champagne. In each glass of champagne, except for one, was a cubic zirconia. In one glass of the 300 was an actual real diamond worth $5000. So what happened? To get the real or fake diamond from the bottom, Miriam took a sip from her champagne. She says she's not much of a drinker so when she sipped . . . . Dave interrupts. He says he's heard that Miriam is very much the drinker . . . that she is "quite an oiler." Miriam laughs and says that is not at all true. Dave stands corrected. Miriam sipped her champagne to bring the level down so she could reach in and remove the jewel. Poor Miriam realized immediately that she had swallowed it. DOH! What to do? She did exactly what I would have done and said nothing. She says it would be too embarrassing to admit. She sat quietly while all the diamonds at the luncheon were checked one by one. She figured she would simply wait until the real diamond was discovered and she wouldn't have to tell anyone what she had done. Eventually, it was discovered that there was no discovery. There was no winner. Uh oh. Right, can you imagine? Hoping . . . hoping . . . hoping. . . . . "I hope I didn't win."

But when no winner was found, says Miriam, "Now I have to fess up." It was decided that the organizer and Miriam would go down to the hospital to have an x-ray. What started as a lovely luncheon ended up at the hospital. Show of hands . . . how many times has this happened to you? To more than a few Wahoo readers to be sure. They too an x-ray and found nothing. It was then learned that diamonds don't show up in an x-ray. What to do now? Well, Miriam informed all involved that if nothing more could be done that on that Monday she had a colonoscopy scheduled. Hoo boy. Come Monday, she told the doctor to keep on the lookout for a diamond. At the end of the procedure, the doctor was at her bedside. The first thing he said was, "I found it!" Miriam begins to explain how and where the diamond was hooked onto . . . it was hanging . . . and she was quickly stopped by Dave. In very Carson-esque style, Dave says, "That's fine." There was no need to explain further. Very funny. Well, happy ending, it turned out to be the real diamond. Dave shows the diamond now properly housed in a box and takes it out for all to see. Dave then pops it into his mouth and swallows it. Big laugh from Miriam. Too much the lady, Miriam did not follow Paris Hilton's lead by calling Dave an 'sdd'hole. (to decipher 'sdd'hole, simply look to the left of each letter in 'sdd') Obviously, the diamond was not the real one. Before saying goodnight, Miriam relays a message from her colonoscopy doctor to get your colon checked.
Now that was fun!

ACT 7:
ATLAS GENIUS
From their CD, "When It Was Now," the band from Adelaide, Australia performed "If So."

And that was our show for Thursday May 2, 2013.

I always thought that whatever a doctor finds in there is his.

When Miriam claimed to be not much of a drinker, Dave teased that it's not what he heard. He says he heard that she is "quite an oiler." Ahhh, I haven't heard that in years. The first time I heard that was in 1979 at a spring training baseball game between the Detroit Tigers and the St. Louis Cardinals in Lakeland, Florida. Back then, spring training games were relaxing and not the big business it is today. I befriended a transplanted local old-timer sitting beside me. He got up and asked, "I'm going for a can of oil. You want one?" The way he asked, I sensed he meant a beer. I said I would gladly have one. If it was indeed a beer, I'd be grateful. It was an actual can of oil, my car would be grateful. Either way, it was a win-win. Turned out to be a beer.
And then in the early 90s I stopped in Key Largo to visit a friend of my parents on my way to Key West. As we chatted, he asked, "Another can of oil?" I gave a quick nod. And that's the only two times I've heard of a beer referred to as a "can of oil." Have I been missing something? I don't think it's called that in New York.

The Knicks/Celtics series has turned into a lot of fun . . . if you're a Celtics fan. I've found it hard to root for the Knicks for years now, going back to the Ewing/Oakley/Mason/Starks days. Too much 'tude. Too much snarl. It always seemed they felt deserved before they ever achieved. It's a lot like the New York Jets a few years ago. Still, when I sat down to watch the early games in the playoffs, I figured I'd be pulling for the hometown Knicks. To my surprise, I wasn't. I was rooting for the Celtics. Rooting for Boston became much easier after JR Smith wielded a wild elbow at a Boston player and got ejected and suspended for the next game. The 0-3 Celtics have battled back to 2-3 with Game 6 Friday night. A win tonight by Boston will make for a wild Sunday Game 7. I'm picking the Celts to win Game 6 but a Knick win in Game 7. I'll be watching both.
Oh, and Knick fans hate Celtic Kevin Garnett. If I like decency in sports, how can I like the nasty Kevin Garnett? The reason I don't mind Garnett is because he's not demonstrative in his nastiness. He whispers his biting barbs at the opposing player. He keeps it between him and his opponent. I find that acceptable, as ugly as it may be.

Ballpark figure . . . what's a 1997 Mercedes Benz 320 ---28,000 miles ---- worth?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Hand-wringing Knick fan Phil Grossfeld.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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Keith Olbermann
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