John Krasinski, Kerry Washington, and James Blake.
PLUS: Sleepy Cameraman; Chris Christie and the spider; a Kentucky Derby simulation; Stooge of the Night; a Top Ten list; and Late Show
“ . . . and now, the ‘Say Hey Kid’ . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo, the day we honor those people we’re trying to keep out.”
-“The Kentucky Derby was run on Saturday. Big build up and then it’s over in two minutes . . . .like Lindsay Lohan in rehab.”
And now it’s time for “Sleepy Cameraman of the Night”
ART CARD: “SLEEPY CAMERAMAN OF THE NIGHT” – we see a dejected Brooklyn Nets coach PJ Carlesimo following Game 7 vs. the Chicago Bulls at the forced post-game presser answering questions. As he answers, the camera show slowly drifts down lower . . . lower . . . and lower. It then perks back up into frame.
ART CARD: “SLEEPY CAMERMAN OF THE NIGHT”
Did you hear about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie this weekend? Some are angry at him for killing a spider last week. He’s being protested by some animal-right activists. We take a look at this report.
ANNOUNCE: "A New Jersey governor makes a routine visit to a local school, but when a run-in with a mutant spider introduces radioactive venom into his system, he undergoes a startling transformation.”
We see a clip of a fat Spider-Man trying to get up off the floor.
ANNOUNCE: "Chris Christie is ‘Overweight Spider-Man.’ Now playing at fake theaters everywhere."
In the Spider-Man outfit was our building engineer George Clarke. This was taped in April 2007. In order to reuse stuff, we also have to have a good memory.
Did you watch the Kentucky Derby on Saturday? Dave wants to show the thrilling finish but NBC won’t release the clips. Dave ran into a dead end at every turn. They would give Dave nothing. Like our writers, NBC must have a good memory, too. So we did the best we could. Here is the “Kentucky Derby Simulation” . . . not the actual Kentucky Derby.
We see a gaggle of geese running around an oval race track. We hear the actual announce from Saturday’s Kentucky Derby. Orb wins.
Even though we didn’t have the Kentucky Derby footage, we made it work. When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade . . . and ask for a shot of gin to go with it.
Sometimes Dave just can’t avoid confrontation. There is always someone trying to out “wise guy” the wise guy. Dave was out enjoying a weekend Little League game and the coach’s wife ambled over and struck up a conversation. She said she noticed that Dave missed last week’s game. Dave explains that he and the family went down to Virginia to visit Monticello, Thomas Jefferson’s place. Was this Dave’s first time there? He told her that he went as a boy with his uncle. Says she, “Was Jefferson president then?”
All Dave wanted to do was enjoy a baseball game and he gets razzed.
You know what time it is? It’s time for Stooge of the Night. Tonight’s Stooge: Republican Senator John Boozman of Arkansas.
DAVE: “Arkansas Senator John Boozman voted ‘NO’ on gun reform legislation despite the fact that 84% of voters in his state are in favor of background checks for gun buyers. Let’s take a nice long look at him.”
The photo of John Boozman stays up.
DAVE: “’Hi, I’m John Boozman. I recently shot myself in the foot while cleaning my teeth.’”
It’s John Boozman, and he is our ‘Stooge of the Night.’ Alan?”
ALAN: “Hey, fans, see you next time on ’Stooge of the Night.’ ‘Stooge of the Night’ is brought to you by P.J. Clarke’s. hey, we just changed the oil in the deep fryer for the first time since Vatican 2. P.J. Clarke’s, as seen in ‘The Lost Weekend’”
Have you ever seen “The Lost Weekend”? Ray Milland was great . . . even better than he was in “The Thing With Two Heads”
TOP TEN: LEAST IMPRESSIVE AUCTION ITEMS – My blue card: “Up for auction at a New Hampshire auction house is the electrocardiogram of Neil Armstrong the moment he first stepped on the moon. It was normal.” I was hoping “It was normal” would elicit something. DING! Dave was a bit surprised that the EKG would be normal at such a momentous moment. Says Paul, “So I guess it was true when he said it was just ‘One small step.’”
LEAST IMPRESSIVE AUCTION ITEMS
9. Autographed photo of Brad Pitt’s accountant.
6. Bible signed by a guy who looks like Jesus.
After 9 years, “The Office” is coming to a close. They finished taping and John immediately went away on vacation to Thailand and Bhutan. The audience lets out an impressed “Ooooh” when they hear John went to Bhutan but John says he knows that no one really knows if Bhutan deserves an “Ooooh.”
So, how does “The Office” end? John ain’t saying. It’s all a big secret. Will Steve Carell be in the big finale? Nope. Dave doesn’t believe him. He’s heard otherwise. Plus, Steve was seen up in Scranton for the big “The Office” parade where the show “took place.” We’ll have to watch, I guess.
John has another gig already lined up to appear on “Arrested Development” on the NetFlix. It was announced on the Yahoo and we see a copy of the Yahoo announcement. But it’s not John Krasinski’s picture accompanying the article. It’s John Singleton. The African-American John Singleton.
John’s wife is a Brit and he’s tried to chum up with his father-in-law by getting to know the Brit sports. He and dad watched some cricket and as much as he tried, it made no sense to John. Actually, John wasn’t impressed with the game at all, but don’t tell his father-in-law.
“The Office” – the big hour-long finale is Thursday May 16th at 9:00 PM. And before the show is one of those pre-game get-together chats with the cast. I imagine they’ll all be sitting in those high director chairs. The whole thing will be awkward but it’ll bring in the ratings.
“MASH” had a very good series finale. “Seinfeld” I didn’t think so. “Newhart” was great. What are your hit and miss series finales?
We like to keep the staff healthy and fit so Dave implemented a Late Show Intramural league. We have something going on right at this minute behind the scrim. We take a look. The scrim rises to show cue card guy Todd Seda playing badminton . . . by himself. We see him hit it to one side, run to it and hit it back, run back and hit it again, and on and on. Dave stops Todd and asks why he is playing badminton by himself.
TODD: “No one else signed up.”
Dave asks for the scrim to lower . . . quickly. I think we could have used Todd to hold a cue card for the audience to laugh.
Going into commercial: Backstage Photo Club. Tonight: writers’ segment producer Amy Dieboldt with George Takei
ANNOUNCE: “Catch Dave again tomorrow with Zooey Deschanel, Jim Gaffigan, and Pistol Annies. Attention: Late Show viewers tuning in from Washington Dulles International Airport. United Airlines flight 291 to Sacramento will begin boarding in approximately ten minutes. We’ll begin by boarding first class passengers, followed by a chaotic free-for-all. Enjoy your flight.”
She’s the star of ABC’s “Scandal”, starring in the new film, “Peeples”, and a member of the President’s Committee on the Arts and Humanities to promote Arts in the schools. Kerry emphasized the importance of the Arts. It gets kids in school, it gets kids to stay in school, and it gets kids to graduate from school. It gives them a reason to come to school and it makes them better thinkers. It worked for Einstein!
And Kerry is scheduled to be the commencement speaker at her alma mater, George Washington University. She admits to being nervous and Dave feels her pain. It’s something Dave says he would never do. Too much pressure to say the right thing, to say something the graduates can take with them and guide them for the rest of their life. Dave gives a lot of credit for anyone who would take on such a responsibility. Kerry says she is working hard on her speech and wonders if she should include a Top Ten. Dave quickly advises, “NO NO ON!” From experience, he’s seen that most who give a Top Ten list wish it was over by #8. It may seem like a good idea until you get into it. I’ve only seen one Top Ten reading that worked outside the Late Show and that was at the wedding of Late Show staffer production assistant Tara Callahan and production accountant Joe DeGeorge. Those on the staff who attended the wedding were both impressed and a bit jealous. Anyway, back to Kerry Washington.
“Scandal” – Thursdays at 10:00 PM on ABC.
“Peeples” – opens this Friday, May 10th.
Her commencement address at George Washington University – May 19th
From his new album, “Overgrown,” James Blake performed “Retrograde.”
And that was our show for Monday, May 06, 2013.
My 5-3 Kentucky Derby Exacta didn’t come in. My 5 horse, Normandy Invasion, lead the pack down the home stretch. I needed the 3, Revolutionary, to come on strong. I saw him make his move. I was dreaming, hoping, for the 5-3. It was a very good possibility. More than the money, I was looking forward to telling the story for years of winning the Kentucky Derby Exacta. And then I saw Normandy Invasion begin to struggle. He made his move too soon. He dropped to second, then third. Revolutionary continued to come on. My 5-3 Exacta finished in 4th and 3rd. You don’t win anything for that. I was also looking forward to yelling, “A round of drinks on me!” Nope, not this time.
I was out at the grocery store this weekend shopping for stuff for a recipe I saw on the Facebook. As I was in the onion section, the most foul human smell wafted my way. I never smelled a human with such an odor. I looked to see a guy of 40 in shorts and a t-shirt. Did he just come from the gym? He was dressed as if he had but he didn’t have that “just from the gym” look. There was no residual sweat, no signs of a recent workout. Then I wondered if it was the onions I was smelling. I gave a deep sniff and smelled the yellow onions; a familiar smell not at all like bad body odor. I decided I had to walk past the guy to find out if it was indeed him. I saw him by the cukes and made my way. Everything was fine until I walked past. The pungency was from him and it was incredibly awful. I watched him and I watched the reaction of others. People stopped in their tracks and gaped and gasped. I found this all very entertaining. And then I saw that he wasn’t alone. His was at the supermarket with his wife! Certainly she must have sensed the scent. But she was fine with it. I can maybe . . . . maybe . . . understand a person not being aware of his own stink, but having another not notice had me flummoxed. I was baffled but fascinated. How could one get that way? It must take weeks! It certainly wasn’t a one-day stink. And of course I had to follow him around, subjecting myself to the malodor, for the rest of my supermarket visit. It was so bad, but from a distance very entertaining.
Say Hey! Happy Birthday, Willie Mays. Gulp . . . . . 82 today. 41 years ago he was 41 and playing for the New York Mets.
My Willie Mays memory.
It was the 1973 World Series, New York Mets vs. Oakland Athletics, Game 7. Willie was playing for the Mets in his final year of his career. He had already announced his impending retirement. Early in the Series he looked every bit of his 42 years. Many were saddened to witness his decline. He was one of the greats, some say the greatest of all time, and now his time was done. In 1973, he came to bat 209 times and had a .211 batting average with 47 strikeouts. He had hit 6 home runs for the year. And now it was Game 7 of the World Series. The A’s were winning 5-2 in the 9th. The Mets get two men on. Two outs. The A’s bring in lefty Darold Knowles in hopes of getting the last out to finish the game and win the World Series. The Mets send up Wayne Garrett, their lefty swinging 3rd baseman. Garrett was batting under .200 for the Series, 5 for 29. The pitcher Knowles was a lefty; Wayne Garrett was a lefty; and Garrett wasn’t doing much in the World Series. The stage was set to send in Willie Mays. Two men on, 9th inning, team down by 3, and the National League’s greatest home run hitter in history was sitting on the bench. This would be his final at bat in one of the greatest careers of all time, Game 7, 9th inning. And Mets manager Yogi Berra goes with . . . . Wayne Garrett. He didn’t go with the righty/lefty matchup. He didn’t go for the drama. He didn’t go for the story book. He went with Wayne Garrett. He popped up to end the game and end the career of Willie Mays sitting on the bench.
That’s the way I remember it.
And Yogi should have saved Seaver for Game 7.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s Toronto juggler, David Shilman.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
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