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Tuesday, May 7, 2013 Crave the Frankenfish? Best to order something else.
Show #3846
Zooey Deschanel, Jim Gaffigan, and Pistol Annies.
PLUS: Martha Stewart Desperate; Local News Highlight; Governor Christie's Weight Loss; Frankenfish; Stooge of the Night; a Top Ten List; and a Professor of Metallurgy Reviews "Iron Man 3"

" . . . and now, aroma therapist with allergies . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "You can now have Viagra delivered by mail. This just may save the United States Postal Service."

Martha Stewart is on the lookout for a man. She's looking for hot sex. She's using Match.com to assist in her search. This brings us to another installment of "Martha Stewart: Desperate For Love."
ART CARD: MARTHA STEWART: DESPERATE FOR LOVE
We watch and listen to some stuff from the Martha show. She kneads it. She says, "You can experiment with different oils. See, now it's 12 inches. It's perfect."
And then cooking the burgers: "Get your buns ready.
ART CARD: MARTHA STEWART: DESPERATE FOR LOVE

Like your local news? Well, we got the "LOCAL NEWS HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT."
From KLKN Lincoln, Nebraska, the anchorman reports: "A traffic stop here in Lincoln led police to a suspicious pot of chili."
ART CARD: "LOCAL NEWS HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT."

Chris Christie had the lap-band surgery to lose some weight. He calls it a response to a request from his family but we all know it's in preparation for a run for the Presidency. He had the lap-band surgery to reduce the size of his lap. We take a look at how the procedure is working. It's working better than anyone could expect.
We see the New Jersey Governor speeching in front of a podium . . . I mean, in front of a lectern. His body reduces like a released balloon until only his head remains.
I know, right? This on network television?!

ACT 2:
Sitting in with the band tonight, the great Todd Rundgren! His new album is entitled, "State." I believe he's wearing Joseph's dreamcoat.
I once had a terrycloth top that I would wear in college whenever there was an outdoor party. It became my signature piece. I know, pretty pathetic, but it was college. I knew then what few seemed to realize: "If not now, when?"

Have you heard about the frightening invasive snakefish that's been found in the waters of Central Park her in Manhattan? The monstrous fish has been given the name, "Frankenfish." The Mayor's office came out with this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "The Frankenfish is characterized by its snake-like head, razor-sharp teeth and the ability to live for days out of water. Contact authorities immediately if you spot one of these predators in Central Park, or if you suspect a restaurant is substituting their seafood with Frankenfish."
We cut to a restaurant scene. A diner bites into his fish, which then bites him back. The customer screams out in pain. Blood oozes.
Late Show Jingle: "We hope you enjoyed our little skit."

It's a weeknight, so you know what that means! It's time for "Stooge of the Night!" Tonight's 'Stooge of the Night' is Republican Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa.
DAVE: "Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley voted 'NO' on gun reform legislation despite the fact that 88% of voters in his state wanted background checks for gun buyers. He enjoys ceramics, big band music, and his 'A' rating from the NRA.
'88%? That's nearly half!' says Chuck.
It's Chuck Grassley, and he's our 'Stooge of the Night'"
Tonight's "Stooge of the Night" was sponsored by P.J. Clarke's. "Tell 'em Ray Milland sent you!"

TOP TEN: THOUGHTS PEOPLE HAVE ABOUT SANDWICHES
1. "Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?"
3. "When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?"
2. "When I say 'Hold the pickles,' I'd really like to hold the pickles."
1. "Grinder? I just met her!"

Dave's favorite sandwich - Bread, ham, mustard, cheddar, slap them all together and there you go.

ACT 3:
ZOOEY DESCHANEL
She's on the popular "New Girl" on the FOX. The season finale is next Tuesday. Taylor Swift will be making a cameo. Dave wonders how Taylor Swift got to appear. Zooey says Taylor said she liked the show, we asked her to be on, she said yes. Wow! That's not quite what Dave meant. Under what premise does Taylor Swift get to be on? Dave says years ago, Sammy Davis Jr. would make a guest appearance by driving down the street when his limo broke down.
Zooey has two dogs at home. We see a photo of the two spooning. Ahh. At home, Martha Stewart growled, "How can they . . . . and not me . . . ."
Zooey will be on the Late Show Friday to perform a song from her album, "She & Him."
Her "New Girl" season finale will be next Tuesday, May 14th at 9 PM on the FOX.

ACT 4:
Thinking about going to see "Iron Man 3"? Before you decide, we visit with a Columbia University Professor of Metallurgy, Dr. Stuart Brinworth. Dr. Brinworth enters.
DR. BRINWORTH: "'Iron Man.' Really? 'Iron Man.' Immediately, all credibility is right out the window. Iron is a relatively soft, heavy, metallic element. That suit is not made of iron! It's an alloy of some kind, probably titanium! You'd need a very specialized molecular structure to provide the high strength, low weight properties of a flying suit! Does Hollywood think we're idiots? The character's name should be something like 'High-Carbon Steel and Titanium-Alloy Man!'"
DAVE: "Thank you, Professor, but . . . . "
DR. BRINWORTH (ignoring Dave) "And another thing . . . . People talk about tin foil. It's not tinfoil. It's aluminum foil! Tin foil hasn't been a consumer product since the 1940s!"
DAVE: "Sorry to interrupt, Professor, but we're moving on. Thank you."
Security enters to lead Dr. Brinworth off.
DR. BRINWORTH (frantic, with more to say) "Listen to me, America. Pencils don't have lead in them. It's graphite! Graphite, you hear me? It's not lead, it's graphite! What's wrong with you people?"
As he is forced off, Dr. Brinworth continues to shout about "Manganese Man, tin cans, metal music, nickels, and more.

ACT 5:
Music from Todd Rundgren.

ACT 6:
JIM GAFFIGAN
He's has 5 kids at home living in a 2-bedroom New York City apartment. It probably explains why he is always eager to go out on the road. But obviously not ALL the time.
His kids range from 9 years old down to 5 months. Yikes! Five kids used to be a lot more common than it is today. I come from a family of 5 kids, as does my wife. In the neighborhood, that was about average. Remember, back then we didn't have cable. Jim is always surprised when strangers feel the need to tell him that having 5 kids is a lot. Jim says big families today are like waterbed stores. They were popular once but not anymore. Now they're just kinda weird. He'll often take the family on the road in the tour bus. The family likes it because it's probably a bit bigger than their apartment.
How does Jim stay in such good shape? He's not so sure that he is. He's tried eating healthy, like kale, but it isn't at all appetizing. He describes kale as tasting like bug spray. It's like spinach with hair. If he heard that kale could cure cancer, he'd rather the chemo.
Jim's new book is entitled "Dad Is Fat." It's in stores today. Jim says he got the title from the very first sentence his son wrote. Yeah, that's what his son came up with.
Jim Gaffigan --- I like him. I was disappointed his "Welcome To New York" show didn't last. (Oh, man, really? 2000? "Welcome to New York" was 13 years ago?)

ACT 7:
PISTOL ANNIES: From their new album, "Annie Up," Pistol Annies performed "Hush Hugh."

And that was our show for Tuesday May 7, 2013.

There's nothing better! Take all your big time sports and the best by far is the hockey playoffs. Watched my New York Islanders beat the heavily favored Pittsburgh Penguins in Game 4 last night to tie the series. The energy, the excitement, the fervor, the chaos in the last two minutes of a one-goal game in an NHL hockey playoff game can't be matched in any sport. And the best part of the final two minutes is that it lasts two minutes! The final two minutes of an NFL playoff football game or an NBA playoff basketball game can last a half-hour. Not in hockey. Uh uh. It's two minutes of screaming and complete bedlam. And in an overtime game, every time the other team has the puck you think they are going to score. When your team gets the puck you think you are going to score. It's back and forth, back and forth. And if you have a rooting interest . . . oh, man, there's nothing better.

Back in '75, the Islanders were playing the Pittsburgh Penguins in the playoffs. The Islanders were newbies on the block in only their third year in existence. They were absolutely putrid their first two years. I had an Islander jersey I would wear whenever they won. When that rarely came around, I decided I'd wear the jersey to school whenever they won or tied. And then it got to the point where I would wear the jersey if they lost but played well. In 1975, the Islanders fell behind 3 games to 0. They came back to tie the series at 3-all. Without cable TV, I was unable to watch Game 7, but my friend had cable. I walked the two miles to his house to watch it on a grainy black and white TV. And Islander Eddie Westfall scored late in the third for the 1-0 win to make history. The Islanders won 4 Stanley Cups in the early 80s, but that month of Islander playoff hockey in 1975 vs. the Rangers, the Penguins, and the Flyers remains the best month of hockey I ever had.

Mickey Mantle corked his bat? That's what they're now saying, but I don't really care. Pitchers scuff the ball; hitters cork their bat.

TV Series Finales
I liked "MASH" and "Newhart." Didn't quite go for "Seinfeld."
- Jamie Nestor calls "Cheers" a hit!
- Connie Bryant: "I agree with you on the final 'Seinfeld' episode. It was such a big build up to it and blah it wasn't that great. 'Newhart,' of course. Loved the 'Cheers' final episode. Regis' final show on Live was touching."

Batten down the hatches, Rockland County. Hurricane Ann is coming in from California.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's her birthday today, from The Inn at Saratoga, SUNY Cortland alum, Anne Havens Hodge.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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