Chris Pine, Tom Dreesen, and She & Him.
PLUS: the sounds of cicadas; a Hallmark Mother’s Day card; how to beat the stress of Mothers’ Day; Mother’s Day Cards; a Top Ten list; Stooge of the Night; and we honor Christ Christie’s pants.
“ . . . and now, lonesome highway hitchhiker . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“Chris Christie has dropped 40 pounds. Yeah, his sandwich!”
The cicadas are coming. They’re like clockwork, that is if your clock ran on a 17-year cycle. The east coast is expected to be swarmed by a trillion cicadas. They are known by their incessant noise, but there are several different kinds of cicada that make different noises. We take a look and listen.
ANNOUNCE: “The Brood XII cicada makes this noise” – we see a Brood XII and hear a sample.
“The Brood XV cicada makes this noise” – we see a XV and hear a sample.
And the Brood II cicada that will soon invade the East Coast makes this noise.”
- we see a II and hear a sample . . . . sounding very much like Charlie Callas. (ask your grandfather, kids)
This Sunday is Mother’s Day and Hallmark has it covered. They have a card for just about everyone. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: “Show mom you love her this Mother’s Day by sending a Hallmark card. We have cards for everyone.
For the mother who’s celebrating for the first time.
For the mother who was always there when you needed her.
For the mother who trolls for sex online. (shot of Martha Stewart)
Hallmark. We make cardboard rectangles.”
Mother’s Day can be stressful but there’s a new service out there that just might help. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: “Do you dread Mother’s Day? You’re not alone. One in three Americans dread this holiday. That’s where we can help. We’re FamCorp! And for just $49.95, we’ll send a guy who sort of looks like you to take mom out for her special day.” (we see a guy at the door of a guy who looks a lot like him) “And Mom will be none the wiser!”
Cut to the impostor and mom in a restaurant.
MOM: “I love you, son.”
ANNOUNCE: “She’ll have the best Mother’s Day ever . . . and so will you!”
Cut to guy resting on sofa, a Sports Illustrated lying on his chest.
ANNOUNCE 2: “FamCorp is not an escort agency!”
Not sure what got Dave on this but I think it had to do with Mother’s Day, his mom, his mom cooking, all reminding him of Julia Child, which reminded him of this:
Dave does an impression Julia Child introducing a guest:
Julia: “I would like to thank Dooglass for stopping by to make his famous dessert, Chocolate Dooglass, from his restaurant, ‘Dooglass.’” It was a bit of the “Odd Dave” for my files.
The big Gatsby opened today. It stars Leonardo DiCaprio, who will not be here, has never been here, and never watches the show. Great actor, but he won’t be here. Dave has noticed something about Leonardo DiCaprio movies . . . . . SPOILER ALERT . . . a lot of them end the same way. Dave shows what he means. We show a clip from the very end of “The Great Gatsby.” It’s a sea scene. Sinking into the sea is the Gatsby mansion. Leo sinks nearby. “My Heart Wlll Go On” plays.
End of SPOILER ALERT.
Hey, Alan, what time is it?
It’s time for “Stooge of the Night” – Tonight’s Stooge: Democrat Senator Heidi Heitkamp of North Dakota.
DAVE: “North Dakota Senator Heidi Heitkamp was one of five Democrats who voted ‘NO’ on gun reform legislation despite the fact that 94% of voters in her state are in favor of background checks on gun buyers.
“Hi, I’m Heidi Heitkamp. Is this too much red?”
My parents wanted to send me to Height Camp. NO! I’m tall enough! Too much red? You look like a traffic cone.
She’s Heidi Heitkamp, and she’s our Stooge of the Night. Alan?
ALAN: “Hey, fans, see you next time on ‘Stooge of the Night.’ ‘Stooge of the Night’ is brought to you by Patsy’s Italian Restaurant. Family owned wince 1944, but don’t ask what family. What are you, a cop? Patsy’s! Mention ‘Tom Dreesen’ and get 10% added to your bill!
Back to you, Dave!”
MOTHER’S DAY CARDS
-“Mom, you will always live in my heart, and I’ll always live in your basement”
-“Mom, Can I have the house when you drop dead?”
-“Thanks for the obesity gene, hefty Mom.”
-“Enjoy your Mother’s Day brunch!” (open card to find a pancake, bacon, and sliced fruit)
-“Thanks for supporting my when the Germans took my monkey.”
-“We bought you teeth, please use them.”
-“Happy state-mandated Day of Motherhood, Kim Jong Mom”
-“Mom, for the love of God, please destroy that video of my conception”
-“I know we don’t talk as much as we should, but you’re the one in solitary confinement.”
-“I love you, mom, but you’re too old to dress like a slut.”
TOP TEN: THINGS GOING THROUGH THIS BABY’S MIND AT THIS MOMENT – In Queensland, Australia, a 7-month-old baby has been taught to water ski. The baby has yet to walk. We see the youtube video of the 7-month-old that has gone viral.
THINGS GOING THROUGH THIS BABY’S MIND AT THIS MOMENT
6. “Next week: solid food and slalom”
4. “Takes my mind completely off teething.”
3. “Isn’t this what Cheney did to people?”
He’s Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek, again. The first reboot of the Star Trek franchise made $400 million with Chris as Kirk. Does that give Chris confidence going into the 2nd film or does it make him nervous for something to live up to? Chris says it always starts out with the thinking, “Don’t screw this up.” Chris had to bulk up to appear more Kirk-like. I wonder if he had to get a toupee.
As with every actor, there were tough times starting out. One job Chris had was repossessing gym equipment. That doesn’t sound like a very good idea. Repossessing yarn sounds to be a safer venture.
“Star Trek Into Darkness” opens May 16th. We take a look at a clip, but the first clip we see is Shecky footage. Late Show Shecky footage is old clips from our film coordinator, Rick Scheckman. Instead of the Star Trek film, we saw footage of dancing robots, much to the surprise of Chris. I’ve always thought that during editing after the show, we should include a small shot of the surprised actor when he first sees the clip.
Special night! New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has lost a lot of weight and he has slimmed right out of his big boy pants. Tonight, we are officially retiring his giant pants. The scrim rises. We see Chris Christie’s giant pants on stage. Slowly, they are lifted up to the rafters. Tremendous.
Which reminds me, I have to take my camping tent out of the attic this weekend.
“We’ve got more entertainment loaded up for Monday, as Dave welcomes Mark Harmon, Comedy Central’s Amy Schumer, and Luke Bryan. TGIF, ‘Tomato Growing is Fun.’
Back in two.”
He’s in town for the Ellis Island Medals of Honor Ceremony this Saturday of which he will be presiding. I was away from my usual viewing station during Tom’s segment attending to late changes that had to be made and distributed.
Check out what Tom is up to on his website: www.tomdreesen.com
SHE & HIM
From their new album, “Volume 3,” Zooey Deschanel and M.Ward . . . . She and Him, performed “Never Wanted Your Love.”
And that was our show for Friday, May 10, 2013.
The addition of Amy Schumer to Monday’s guest list had me running around for the second half of tonight’s show. Her name needed to be added into the ACT 5 billboard. It may seem simple, but a lot of people need to be notified and a change during the show makes it hard to find the opening to let them know. Alan Kalter’s scrip needs to be amended, the director needs to be updated, the chyron needs to be fixed, and footage found. And while I was a running, I missed out on Tom Dreesen. I like Dreesen. I like how he could smile and finish a story during an earthquake. He’s a real pro. And I like how you can tell he’s about to make something up when he interjects, “ . . . true story . . .” in the middle of telling a story.
Cheez-Its or Cheese Nips? I’m a Cheez-It guy but you can’t beat the price of Cheese Nips. And whatever happened to Tid Bits?
I may pitch this idea next week. Remember how Dave would send a camera into a photo place and ask a customer, “May We See Your Photos, Please?” Well, since there are no longer any photo shops around, that bit has been scratched. But what we have today that we didn’t have then is tattoos. My idea is to send a camera outside, find a pedestrian, and ask, “May We See Your Tattoo, Please?”
When someone says in time of woe, “there are no words,” is that just a lazy copout?
I considered getting a tattoo of a bikini woman on my arm but my bicep is so small people would think she was anorexic.
Discussion for the Weekend:
“Is modern medicine weakening the human species as a whole?”
Today, survival isn’t as dependent on the most fit.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
She came in a time of great need, my daughters first baby sitter, on this her birthday, it’s Rachel Santiago Misselbeck. Forever grateful!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
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