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Monday, May 13, 2013 It's Barbara Walters like you've never seen her before.
Show #3850
Mark Harmon, Amy Schumer, and Luke Bryan.
PLUS: Barbara Walters to retire; Navy Budget Cuts; The Ice Cream Man is here; Chris Christie vs. a doorway; Stooge of the Night; a Top Ten List; Ask A Cicada; and sitting in with the band, Eric Burdon.

" . . . . and now, Queen of the Nile . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-"OJ Simpson wants a new trial. This time, he's demanding an L.A. jury."
-"OJ getting his conviction overturned is a long shot, but he figured he'd take a stab at it." I saw this one coming but hoped I was seeing wrong. It was too easy, too obvious, and yet the audience gave a big reaction. Eh, what do I know?

Barbara Walters has announced her retirement. She broke down many doors for females in the broadcasting industry, but in the early days of her career she couldn't even let it be known that she was a woman. We take a look at one of her earliest broadcasts.
In this black and white footage, we see her co-anchoring the news. She is in disguise, with a mustache and beard. She goes under the alias, "Bob Walters." Back then, people apparently were more gullible.
Mark Harmon is on the show tonight, star of the #1 show on TV "NCIS". And that brings us to this bit of news. Due to the sequester, there have been many cutbacks, particularly in the military. We take a look at this:
ART CARD: "NAVY BUDGET CUTS"
ANNOUNCE: "After budget cuts caused by the sequestration, the Navy can only attack enemy vessels by dropping this."
Cut to Louie Anderson doing a cannonball into a pool. Thank you, "Splash."
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'A Late Show Fat Joke.' "
ART CARD: "NAVY BUDGET CUTS"

An ice cream man enters. How can you not love an ice cream man? There he is in his nice, crisp white uniform and black bow tie.
DAVE: "Hi. Can I help you?"
ICE CREAM MAN (uh, oh, he forgot his line) "Yeah, uhhh. . . . . . I was supposed to come out here . . . . but I can't remember why."
DAVE: "You can't remember why you're supposed to come out here? You're dressed like an ice cream man. Maybe it had something to do with ice cream, or ice cream trucks. Something like that, maybe?"
ICE CREAM MAN: "That would make sense, but I can't remember. I missed rehearsal."
DAVE: "Yeah, well, I wasn't here for rehearsal, either. What about . . . was it a joke about me being old? How about that? Was that it?"
ICE CREAM MAN: "No."
DAVE: "Uhh, maybe it was about the quality of tonight's show?"
ICE CREAM MAN: "No, although the show does suck."
DAVE: "Hmmm, was it one of those things that makes no sense to anybody? One of those deals where a guy shows up, nobody gets the joke and then he leaves? Was it one of those?"
ICE CREAM MAN: "Yes! That's it exactly! Man, I'm really sorry about this."
DAVE: "That's OK. It's all fine. Thanks, anyway."
The ice cream man exits . . . and then quickly re-enters.
ICE CREAM MAN: "Wait! Wait! I got it! I remember!"
DAVE: "OK, go ahead."
ICE CREAM MAN: "It was about you being the real Mr. Softee . . . . you know, like you're impotent. Yeah, that's it! I'll get it right tomorrow." Exits.
Dave is happy to get that straightened out . . . not sure if pun was intended.

Here's something new. It's "Can Governor Chris Christie Get Through a Doorway Without Turning Sideways?"
ART CARD: "Can Governor Chris Christie Get Through a Doorway Without Turning Sideways?"
We see Governor Christie on "Rock Center." He is giving a tour through the house he lived in while in college. He nears a doorway and . . . . . he turns slightly sideways to get through.
GRAPHIC: "NO!"
ART CARD: "Can Governor Chris Christie Get Through a Doorway Without Turning Sideways?"

ACT 2:
Sitting in with the band tonight, the great Eric Burdon of the Animals. His new album is entitled, "'Til Your River Runs Dry."

Time now for "Stooge of the Night!"
Tonight's Stooge: Republican Senator John Thune of South Dakota.
DAVE: "South Dakota Senator John Thune voted ‘NO' on gun reform legislation despite the fact that 79% of voters in his state are in favor of background checks for gun buyers. Senator Thune has an A-plus rating from the NRA, which is awarded to those who are regularly seen wearing a coonskin cap.
John Thune . . . . he's our ‘Stooge of the Night.'"
TOP TEN: THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU ON A PLANE – On a flight from Los Angeles to New York, an American Airlines pilot had to make an emergency landing in Kansas City because a woman passenger refused to stop singing Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You"
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU ON A PLANE
5. "Now that I think about it, I definitely didn't pack my own bag."
3. "Excuse me for a moment while I light my underpants."

ACT 3:
MARK HARMON

He's the star of the #1 show on television, NCIS. And he's a real live hero. Some years back there was a bad car accident outside his house with two teenagers trapped inside the burning car. One crawled out. Mark ran to get a sledgehammer and busted the car window. He crawled inside to free the trapped teen in the upside down burning car.
Me? Was I ever a hero? I once stomped out a small brush fire. I also once discovered a bottle of Pepsi someone forgot in the freezer and removed it before it exploded.
Mark is the son of college football great and Heisman Trophy winner Tom Harmon. It's tough to live up to that but Mark did pretty well, playing at UCLA. We learn that although Mark played Division 1 football, he feels baseball may have been his better sport. He played catcher in high school. He became a catcher while playing shortstop. There was a meeting on the mound and Mark said to the struggling catcher that he could do better. Right there they switched positions. On the mound, Mark got into the catching gear and that was that. Being from Los Angeles, a player for the famed UCLA Bruins, and the son of the popular sports broadcaster, Mark got to know many professional athletes. One was Rick Sutcliffe, a pitcher for the Dodgers and then the Chicago Cubs. Rick was a practical joker and once cut crotch out of Mark's pants just before a press event. Years later to get even, Mark paid to erect a huge billboard in Chicago that included Rick's high school yearbook photo. Nobody wants their high school yearbook picture out there. Did Rick know it was Mark's doing? Mark says there were so many people who wanted revenge against Rick that he was never able to figure it out.
NCIS – Tuesdays at 8:00 on our own CBS.
Oh, and NCIS stands for Naval Criminal Investigative Service.

ACT 4:
It's cicada season and one trillion of these fascinating insects are emerging after 17 years underground. We're very lucky to have with us tonight one of the cicadas to answer some audience questions. It's something we call "Ask A Cicada." Enter a cicada. Dave welcomes the cicada.
CICADA: "Bzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ahh, I'm just pulling your chain. I speak the King's English. Glad to be here, Dave."
DAVE: "I have some questions that our audience would like answered by a cicada. First one, ‘What brings you here tonight?'"
CICADA: "Frankly, I'm tired of the only bug-eyed freak on television being Andy Dick." (rimshot) "Still a reference, people!"
DAVE: "What have you been doing since you were here last?"
CICADA: "I've been dormant for 17 years. I'm pretty much an insect version of the New York Mets." (rimshot)
DAVE: "What's the difference between a locust and a cicada?"
CICADA: "About 50 bucks." (rimshot) "I don't get it either."
DAVE: "Why do cicadas stay in the ground for 17 years at a time?"
CICADA: "I believe I answered that question on ‘Hollywood Squares' in 1996. Check the tape."
We see a video of the cicada on "Hollywood Squares." In the clip, the cicada answers: "I'll tell you why we stay in the ground so long . . . . to avoid Jehovah's Witnesses."
CICADA: "Yeah, I killed on ‘Squares.'" (rimshot)
DAVE: "Do you ever get sick of making that endless, annoying droning sound that drives everyone crazy?"
CICADA (no answer)
DAVE: (repeating) "Do you ever get sick of making that endless, annoying droning sound that drives everyone crazy?"
CICADA (no answer)
DAVE: "Uhh, cicada?"
CICADA: "Oh, sorry, I thought that question was for you." (rimshot) "Hey-Ohhh!"
DAVE: "You come back every 17 years to find a mate. What if you don't fine one?"
CICADA: "If I don't, it's OK. I've got six hands. I'm all good." (rimshot) Exiting – "Cicada out! But remember . . . (singing "I Will Always Love You")

Dave tries to throw to commercial but is repeatedly interrupted by the cicada's singing offstage.

Going into commercial, Photo Club photo of cameraman Dan Flaherty.

ACT 5:
Music from Eric Burdon.

ACT 6:
AMY SCHUMER

She has her own show on the Comedy Central, "Inside Amy Schumer." She's just off her nationwide comedy tour. What has she learned? Amy finds that each city have their own style. Miami is not a place to gain confidence.
Everyone there is so beautiful they look like exotic birds. The men in Philadelphia are very masculine but . . . . . like they go to tanning beds. They're meatheads, but they get their eye brows waxed. If you say the hated New York Mets third baseman David Wright is cute, they'll agree. Las Vegas runs the gamut. You will see the most beautiful beings on earth alongside what appears to be sea creatures.
"Inside Amy Schumer" – Tuesday nights at 10:30 PM on the Comedy Central.

ACT 7:
LUKE BRYAN
: The Academy of Country Music Awards Entertainer of the Year performed his hit single, "Crash My Party." His new album will be in stores this summer.

And that was our show for Monday, May 13, 2013.

Former Late Show writer reprised his 2004 role as a cicada for us tonight. But hold it! Cicadas make an appearance every 17 years. 2004 was only 9 year ago. What gives? The 2004 cicadas were from a different "family" than the cicada family emerging this year. In 2004, it was the Brood 2. This year's cicadas are the Brood 10. Cicacdas in these parts are the Brood 2, the Brood 10 and the Brood 7. This year's Brood seems to be the biggest.
Now you know just a little bit more of the story.

Joba/Mariano:
Yankees Joba Chamberlain could have fixed this whole thing if he just apologized. Looks like he blew another save opportunity.

Eric Burdon! How could we not have him on last week with Jack Hanna?

TOP TEN: THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM THE PERSON SITTING NEXT TO YOU ON A PLANE – My informational blue card read the woman wouldn't stop singing Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You." Dave skipped right over the Whitney Houston part and correctly credited Dolly Parton. Yes, it's Dolly's song and she had success with it but it was Whitney who made it a worldwide sensation. I thought of going with Dolly Parton but I figured more people would know the song if I mentioned Whitney. I should have gone with Dolly. A comedian should always be sensitive to properly crediting the creator. BUZZZ!

Nothing like a Game 7 Stanley Cup Game. Last night I hunkered down in front of my huge screen Epson moviemate projection TV for the Ranger/Washington Capital game. Hockey playoffs are the best; Game 7 hockey playoffs are the absolute best. The Rangers took a 1-0 first period lead, then 2-0, 3-0, and then 4 and 5 to nothing. It was great for the Rangers, but my not being a huge Ranger fan left the game a bit of a bore. I clicked over to the Boston Bruin/Toronto Maple Leaf game 7. There, the Bruins were leading 4-1 in the 3rd period, another yawner. My energy was dwindling and I was fighting sleep. I clicked here and there. Back to the Bruin/Leaf game and it was now 4-2 late in the game. I decided to watch the last 4 minutes of the game just to see the traditional handshake at the end of the game. I was a bit surprised that the Bruins home crowd was a bit sedate even though they were down 4-2. I always thought a 2-goal deficit late in a hockey game could be overcome with some luck. Get a goal with a minute left and you're right back in it. And that's what the Bruins did; a goal with a minute-and-a-half left. Now the Bruin fans were back into it, at least those who hadn't left yet. And then with 50 seconds left the Bruins tie it up. That goal was a "jump up from the couch" moment. This Game 7 was going into overtime! But even then, the Bruins had a golden opportunity to win it in regulation. They missed a chance to win it in the final seconds. Well, the Bruins had to wait for their win in overtime. Great comeback; awful for the Leafs. If the Leafs won the faceoff after the Bruins made it 4-3 . . . . yup, all it would have taken was winning one more faceoff.
The next morning, I turn on the Toronto sports radio station for a listen. It was what you would expect.
Sports --- the best reality show on TV.
Has anybody compared this Bruin / Maple Leaf game with the Miami of Ohio / Boston University NCAA Frozen Four Championship game in 2009? BU scored 2 goals in the final minute of regulation and then won it in OT.

Hey, now, Rangers / Bruins, an original 6 playoff series on tap!

I'd be really excited about the Islanders future if Dipietro worked out.

Oh, and the Maple Leaf players will get over this dreadful finish to the season. It will linger in the souls of the fans forever.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday today, my daddy, John "Big Red" McIntee.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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