Sign In to CBS
With Social Account
With Email
Don't have an account? Create one for FREE!
Sign Up
Search By Date
M T W Th F
Tuesday, May 14, 2013 Barbara Walters in a tribute to a career of reactions.
Show #3851
Tom Hanks and Pippin.
PLUS: Barbara Walters Retiring; Viagra Now Through the Mail; Stooge of the Night; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . . and now, top car dealer in the tri-state . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
- "President Obama addressed the recent scandals at a press conference. He was well prepared for the reporters' questions, because he's been listening to their phone calls."

The great Barbara Walters has announced she will retire in 2014. Such a tremendous career. We've compiled some of our favorite moments in a segment called, "Barbara Walters: Reaction Shots Through The Years."
We watch clips of Barbara throughout her career. Her reactions, to those unseen and unheard in the clips, tell the story. It is the blinking of a real professional. I particularly enjoyed her reaction while sitting in the guest chair at the Late Show. It looked as if she was fighting sleep, with sleep just not able to win out this time.

The pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced that it has begun selling Viagra online. We take a look at this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "Are you a fan of erectile dysfunction medication but wish there was a more discreet way to purchase it? There is! Through our new online ordering system, Pfizer will ship Viagra directly to your home or office."
We see a guy in a bright blue Viagra uniform delivering the goods to a man at his lace of work. The big blue package he is carrying has "VIAGRA" in big letters splashed across the side. Outside waits the deliveryman's light blue Viagra truck, adorned by blue Viagra pills all over the side.
ANNOUNCE: " Our little secret." Shhhhh.

ACT 2:
Tom Hanks is on tonight, and Pippin, so let's get right to it. It's time for "Stooge of the Night!"
Tonight's Stooge - Republican Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky - our first two-time recipient!
DAVE: "Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is our first two-time recipient of 'Stooge of the Night.' Senator Paul recently claimed 'there is no doubt that President Obama and his anti-gun pals' at the U.N. are plotting against the United States Constitution, and when he finished his speech, all the other patients on the ward applauded. Then he got back into his flying saucer and returned to his home planet. Let's take a nice long look at him. Hey, people from Kentucky, that's right . . . you people elected a toupee.
Talk about a filibuster on your head!
Rand Paul, once again, he's our first-time double winner on 'Stooge of the Night.'"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Doctor After Gastric Band Surgery
10. "All done, fatso."
8. "Open your mouth and say 'moooo'
1. "Your gender reassignment was a success!"

ACT 3:
Bringing the mustache back! Mr. Hanks is sporting a mustache! Unfortunately it's just for his role in the Broadway play, "Lucky Guy." Dave says he looks like that guy in that "Polar Express" movie.
Dave asks about Tom recently crowned the Most Trusted Man in the World by Readers Digest . . . or maybe it was only the most trusted in America. Tom isn't sure how or why he was chosen but he thinks it may be because when he does lie, he tells the person right-off that he is lying. "I'm lying, but I love your tie." "I'm lying to you right now but your movie script is great and I'd love to do it, but I got a thing in Japan." I think that's how Cronkite worked it, too.
Tom is busy putting on 8 shows a week in "Lucky Guy." Must be hard on the throat. Tom says as soon as he feels a tingle or a tickle in his throat he goes to see the Magic Doctor. The Magic Doctors shoves a camera down your throat and then the doctor gives you "the juice." And then you're all better. Doesn't sound all that legal, but hey, they're celebrities. They can do it. Tom says it works great. The only problem is he realizes he won't be voted into the Hall of Fame.
Tom loves working on Broadway. Every actor should do it. The drawback to working on Broadway is you don't get to see other shows. The secret to performing in front of a live audience: you need to be "concentrated and relaxed" . . . . . like a hitter in baseball . . . like lining up a tee shot on the first hole with the foursome behind you watching.

"Lucky Guy" - at The Broadhurst Theater, now through July 3rd. Tom can't go past the 3rd . . . . . he's got a thing in Japan he has to do.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Get back her for tomorrow's Late Show with Dave and his guests Ed Helms, Hoda Kotb, and Brad Paisley. Stay with us for more tips for ideas for suggestions."

ACT 7:
Currently playing at the Music Box Theater, the Broadway revival Pippin has been nominated for 10 Tony Awards. Leading the way, the wonderful Patina Miller.

And that was our show for Tuesday May 14, 2013.

Speaking of mustaches . . . I was watching the TV the other day and a commercial came on promoting the NBA playoffs. Every close up of a player they showed had a hint of a mustache. I've been thinking of changing the look of my mustache. I was going to go with the "Oliver Hardy" but Hitler ruined that for everybody.

- Monologue Joke: "Dick Cheney claims President Obama is falsifying truths to cover up Benghazi. Well, isn't he a big girl's blouse." The audience laughed a bit. I laughed a lot because that's a reference that's about 10 years old. Do you recall who first said "big girl's blouse"? Hint: It was on March 16, 2004.
From the Wahoo Gazette:
Dave interviewing Kate Winslet:
"During the shooting of 'Titanic,' Kate would invite the icy chill in the air to consume her during filming and even when off camera. This allowed her to 'live' the feeling of being freezing cold. Leonardo Dicaprio, on the other hand, always wanted to be warm. Dave laughs and asks, 'And what does that say about the guy?' Says Kate: 'He's a big girl's blouse.' Hoo boy, did that make Dave laugh. He never heard the expression but it fit perfectly. I wouldn't be surprised if we hear that phrase again soon on the show. I could almost see Dave borrowing that and keeping it in his pocket for future use."

DING! Right I am! "Big girl's blouse" . . . but I didn't think he'd wait 9 years to use it.

I'm driving to work the other day and I hear a commercial on the radio for an insurance company. I hear something about the frustration of trying to fit "a round peg into a square hole." Did they get that right? Is it really "a round peg into a square hole"? Because if it is, I think it would be easy to fit a round peg into a square hole. Fitting a square peg into a round hole would be the more difficult task. Am I reading too much into this or should I put my money into a different insurance company?

Ranger fans are happy! They won a decisive Game 7 decisively against the Washington Capitals. The news around here is all gaga over the Rangers, reporting that it is their first Game 7 victory on the road in their history. I find that a ho-hum "who cares?" stat. What I did find interesting is the Capitals are 2-7 on home ice in Game 7s in their history. This is interesting because the favored team, the better team, has the home ice advantage and gets Game 7 at home. The Capitals, the better team in 9 of their Game 7s, are only 2-7. And they are 0-4 in Game 7s at home since 2008. Yikes! Game 7s, games they should win, and they aren't winning. The players change from year to year. It's the fans who have to suffer through this time and time again. And after losing a Game 7, the players can relax in Hawaii. The fans have to go to work the next day. Sports is always tougher on the fan than it is on the player.

Benghazi? Wasn't he in "Road House" with Patrick Swayze?

And what's the allure of hockey's Original Six? I must admit, I'm a big fan of the Original Six. They are near the top of my rooting interest:
1. Islanders
2-3 Rangers/Devils
1. Original 6
2. Any team from Canada - hockey means more to them.
3. Any team north of the Mason Dixon and east of Minnesota, inclusive.

The Original 6 -
Montreal Canadians
Toronto Maple Leafs
Chicago Blackhawks
Detroit Red Wings
New York Rangers
Boston Bruins
Six teams in the league for years and years up to 1967, which makes the Rangers championship drought through the 40s and 50s and 60s even more boggling.

Surprise me in your will!

The Daily Kos - "We copy without crediting!"
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.