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Wednesday, May 15, 2013 If this bit lasts longer than 4 hours, please call Dave's doctor.
Show #3852
Ed Helms, Hoda Kotb, and Brad Paisley.
PLUS: Tony's subscription card; summer blockbusters; the U.N. and bugs; Christ Christie's weight loss; Stooge of the Night; a delivery for Dave; a Top Ten list; and Spring Fashion.

" . . . . and now, brown thumb gardener . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-"A prostitution ring was operating out of a senior citizen home in New Jersey. Do you really want to go to a cat house and hear ‘Just leave the money on the night table next to my teeth.'
-"Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He says he is looking forward to a long, hard campaign. His campaign slogan: ‘On Election Night – Pull My Lever.'" Oy. So easy, So simple. And I knew the audience would love it.

DAVE: "Our best price. Your best deal. Free gift. Where to eat and New York's best . . . . hold it . . . . Tony, what is that?"
We cut to Tony to see he is holding up one of those annoying subscription cards you find in magazines.
TONY: "It's one of those subscription cards from a magazine. They're always falling out. I hate these things." Tony takes the cue card-sized subscription card and rips it up.
DAVE: "If the subscription card is that big, imagine the size of the magazine!" Tony checks out the next joke and that isn't worth doing either. He rips that one up, too.
TONY: "OK. Go ahead. Please go on."

It's Summer Blockbuster Time! All the big summer movies come out. But not all of them are all that good. We take a look at something that may help.
ANNOUNCE: "It's summer blockbuster movie season again. You wait months for these films to be released and have been let down time after time. That's why there's Cynebalta. Cynebalta alters your brain's chemistry to help you cope with overhyped, big-budget Hollywood disappointments. Summer movies can be awful. Cynebalta can help. Side effects may include headaches, nausea, and bloating."

The United Nations is advocating eating bugs to deal with an exploding global population and growing environmental concerns. Based on a commercial Dave saw today, it seems like people are already jumping on the bandwagon. We look. ANNOUNCE: "The United Nations released a new report, stating we should all have more insects in our diet. So if you're in Times Square, come on down to the new Bear Grylls restaurant, ‘Bear's Gryll', where we only serve the finest insect cuisine (shot of worms/bugs) . . . . like our Giant Camel Spider (shot of Bear Grylls eating a spider) . . . the mouth-watering Grasshopper Bites (Bear Grylls eating a grasshopper) . . . and our world-famous Rhino Beetle Larva (Bear Grylls eating a larva. Innards squirt). Then wash it down with Bear's very own, fresh-squeezed urine.
Bear's Gryll. Bring your appetite. We'll do the rest."

By now you know all about Chris Christie's lap band surgery to lose weight. It's a successful procedure for many but you should be aware of the possible side effects.
We see the Governor in a small meeting. We hear the lap band unable to hold and the Governor quickly expands to his former size, and more. Oh, the humanity!

ACT 2:
Dave is billboarding the show, then stops to check his watch. Hmmm, it's time. He reaches under this desk and places a briefcase on top. A moment later, an obvious spy in a trench coat enters. He places a similar briefcase near Dave's briefcase, and then takes Dave's. He exits without saying a word. Dave slowly opens the briefcase left behind. We can see a soft blue glow emanating from inside the briefcase. Dave seems satisfied . . . . very satisfied. He shuts the briefcase and puts it under the desk and proceeds with the show.
Paul, as we all, is confused. "What was that?" he asks Dave.
DAVE: "That? That's how I get my Viagra."

Hey-Ohhh!

Hey, it's time for "Stooge of the Night". Tonight's Stooge: Republican Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin.
DAVE: "Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson voted ‘NO' on gun reform legislation despite the fact that 81% of voters in his state wanted background checks. Senator Johnson has received $1.2 million in contributions form pro-gun lobby groups, then spent it all on flag pins and hair spray.
‘Hey, I'm asleep!'
Wisconsin, you elected a Senator who is asleep.
Ron Johnson. He's our ‘Stooge of the Night.'"

TOP TEN: QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE SPENDING $2 MILLION ON A PAINTING OF A NAKED BEA ARTHUR
A 1991 nude painting of Bea Arthur is up for auction and is expected to bring in $2 million.
Oh, yes, and there it is. If you don't want the mosaic over her upper half, it'll cost you $2 million.
2. "Can I have it delivered in time for Father's Day?"
1. "How much for just the frame?"

ACT 3:
ED HELMS

(I went to the Yankee game right after the show. And then I was late getting in on Thursday. Got no time!)
"The Hangover Part III" – opens May 23rd.
"The Office" – the series finale is Thursday night. The exciting pre-show starts at 8:00, the show itself at 9:00 PM on the NBC.
Says Dave of Las Vegas: "Las Vegas is a city you only want to see at night.
You don't want to see it during the day."
And then Ed does a great Tom Brokaw impersonation. And he takes a Dave request" David, Meredith and I would love you and the Mrs. to come out to the ranch and lasso some doggies."

ACT 4:
Back from commercial, a hyped woman enters and sits uninvited.
SHE: (gushing) "It is absolutely wonderful to be back, Dave. Who doesn't strive to be fun and flirty for spring?"
Dave begins to answer, begins to question, but is cut off.
SHE: "So I'll get right to it. Vivian! (Vivian enters – fashion model – stands at corner of desk) Here we see that bright neons are here to stay . . . as long as they're anchored by a neutral. Important to remember. Thank you, Vivian." (Vivian exits)
SHE: "Now you were asking me about this before the show, Dave, and yes, Wesley here (Wesley enters) proves that pastels can actually transition from day to night. Looking good, Wesley." (Wesley exits)
SHE: "Aurora here (Aurora enters) is on trend in a bold floral sundress. Dave, quick . . . name one person who wouldn't be ready to hit the beach in this look. Right, you can't do it. DAVE: "No, I can't."
SHE: "Next time we'll dip into summer's hottest swim ensembles, but until then, I'll see all of you on the runway." She gives to air-kisses in Dave's general direction, then exits.
Whatever we had planned went out the window due to this interruption.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Make it a priority to catch Dave tomorrow with Barbara Walters, Jesse Eisenberg, and MS MR. And now, The Big Drawing!"
Alan reaches into the hopper and pulls out a ping pong ball.
ALAN: "Ah, that's a nice one."
Pulls another: "Another fine ping pong ball."
Pulls another: ""That's a beauty."
We go to commercial.

ACT 6:
HODA KOTB

She's the co-host of the fourth hour on "Today" with Kathie Lee. The show starts at 10 AM and that's when they start drinking . . . . every day! Just a little bit of the vino . . . not much . .. . sometimes too much . . . but not often . . . not too often. How did this start? Hoda says Chelsea Handler was a guest to promote a book that had something to do with the fun of drinking. So, they had drinks. Later in the week, Brooke Shields was a guest and wanted to know where her drink was. And then it grew from there.
Hold on a minute will I call to book Chelsea and Brooke on our show.
What does it take to make it into show biz? Always have a blazer nearby.
And it took 4 years of college to learn that?

ACT 7:
BRAD PAISLEY

From his new album, "Wheelhouse," the great Brad Paisley performed "Runaway Train."

And that was our show for Wednesday, May 15, 2013.

Right after tonight's show I hopped an uptown D and made it to Yankee Stadium. Made it in 20 minutes. I left here at 6:45 and made it inside the Stadium for the first pitch. Before taking a seat, I bought two beers. The Seattle Mariners are up and getting a few men on here and there. First inning, so no big deal. I had a big bag of peanuts under my arm I bought from outside. I get to my seat, greet my friends, sit down, and get myself squared away placing my beers here and there and opening my bag of nuts. In my first moment of relaxation all day, I take a deep breath and sit back to enjoy the game. And there goes the ball over the fence for a home run . . . . a grand slam home run . . . . . Seattle takes the lead
7-0. There is one out. I put my nose in the air, took a sniff, and said "This game has 17-2 written all over it. Close. Seattle won 12-2. I've always appreciated how the Yankees have stayed true to their uniform. Only minor changes over the many many years. I especially like how they don't have their name on the back of the uniform. No need for it. BUT . . . . at last night's game for the first time in my life I would have liked the players' names across the back. Number 70? Number 40? Number 43? Number 53? Who are these people and what are they doing in a Yankee uniform? Yankee manager saw early that this was pretty much a winless game and emptied the bench with recent call-ups.
I really know how to pick a Yankee game. The Yankees won a fun comeback on Tuesday. I hear they have a no-hitter planned for Thursday. Wednesday's game was a 12-2 loss, losing by 7 in the first.

Have the makers of laundry soap goofed? I see laundry detergents that now come pre-packed in single packets for each load. Got a load of laundry? Well, just drop one of these pre-packed powder soap detergents into the wash! BUT . . . . but I suspect the laundry soap people make a lot of money on people over-soaping their laundry. A big jug of liquid detergent will broadly state, "For 64 Loads!" The liquid jug of detergent comes with a cap as a measuring tool. If you hold the cap up to the light in just the right way, you will see that the cap is sized for 3 or 4 loads. But few realize this. Instead, the home owner will fill the cap to the near top for a single load, even though they poured enough for 4 loads. The consumer is wasting 3 loads worth of detergent. And this is how the detergent people make a lot of their profit. Now that they are properly pre-sizing the dry powder in a single packet, people will no longer over-use and be wasteful. And there goes the profit.
The pre-packed dry powder detergent may be a bit more expensive, but if you took out pad and paper and added in human nature, it may not be. It's better for the consumer, not so for the company.
And that's a memo . . . and a lot of space filler in today's Wahoo.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From The Matthew Aaron Show, it's Matthew Aaron.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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