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Monday, May 20, 2013 Will Smith brings a little "Summertime" to the show.
Show #3855
Will Smith; and The National.
PLUS: we hear from the naked Bea Arthur; Good Commencement Speech/Bad Commencement Speech; Star Trek Highs and Lows; Why Presidents shouldn't handle umbrellas; What I Like About Springtime; Stooge of the Night; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . and now, at the low low price of free . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"Today is Cher's birthday. They've just completed a 3-year renovation on her, and in July she will be opened to the public."
-"Colgate has come out with a caffeine infused toothbrush. The caffeine from the toothbrush will give you the energy for you to actually floss."

It's the talk of the art world: a painting of a naked Bea Arthur sold at auction for $2 million. How about a household hint from the naked Bea.
We see the Bea Arthur nude painting.
She speaks: "Add a half a cup of lemon juice to the wash cycle to brighten up whites."
Doing the voice was our head of security Bill Delace . . . or it may have actually been Bea Arthur's voice. Not sure.

Hey, it's college graduation time and nothing is more important to a graduation than the commencement speech. Some are good; some are not. We take a look at this:
ART CARD: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH / BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH"
ANNOUNCE: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see President Obama commencing. Lots of energy; lots of passion.
ANNOUNCE: "BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg doing battle with the Spanish language.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.'"

And in the same vein of Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech, we take a look at this, inspired by the #1 film in the world, "Star Trek Into Darkness," in something we call "Star Trek Highs and Lows."
GRAPHIC: "STAR TREK HIGHS"
We see various scenes from the Star Trek film franchise. If I were into Sci-Fi, I'd probably say "WOW!
GRAPHIC: "STAR TREK LOWS"
We see a scene from the Star Trek television series. Captain Kirk is being ridden around like a horsey by a little person. Kirk's underlings look on in worry.

Anything else from the nude Bea Arthur? Yup!
THE NUDE BEA: "Easy way to remove pet hair from upholstery: duct tape."

And one more from the Bare Assed Bea Arthur: "A wooden spoon placed across a pot of boiling water keeps it from boiling over."

Sometimes in the eyes of many, President Obama can't do anything right. Last week he was chastised for having a decorated United States Marine hold an umbrella for him. There is a reason Presidents are not to handle umbrellas. We take a look why.
ART CARD: "WHY PRESIDENTS DON'T CARRY THEIR OWN UMBRELLAS" We see George W. Bush fighting with an umbrella in the wind. The umbrella turns inside out. It's an ugly scene. Would have never happened to a Marine.

ACT 2:
And now it's time for something we call, "WHAT I LIKE ABOUT SPRINGTIME" . . . . besides our schedule. Dave goes around the horn asking various staffer what they like about springtime.
PAUL: "I like how trombonist Tom "Bones" Malone makes mojitos for everyone. In fact, I'm going to have one now." Paul turns and holds a glass under Tom's spit valve. A nice 6 ounces is dispensed.
VIDEO TAPE EDITOR JIMMY ALKINS: What does he like about springtime? We find him in the dark videotape room deep in the cellar of the Ed Sullivan Theater: "Is it spring? I haven't been outside in years."
SECURITY'S JIMMY PHILBIN: along the wall in the theater: "In spring, I like to bring out my pink taser." He leans in and tases an audience member. The audience member slumps in his chair in pain.
OUR INTERN WHO LOOKS LIKE THE LEAD SINGER OF WEEZER: The intern is by the cue card alley doors, just off to Alan Kalter's area. The intern says he doesn't think there is much of a comparison, contrary to what the split screen may show. He's not playing along.
OUR INTERN WHO LOOKS LIKE THE INTERN WHO LOOKS LIKE THE LEAD SINGER OF WEEZER. He doesn't think there is much of a likeness, either, contrary to the split screen of the two interns. Security's Jimmy Philbin leans in and tasers them both. They fall to the ground in bit of very poor acting.

Hey, you know what time it is? It's time for "Stooge of the Night."
Tonight's Stooge: Republican Senator Roy Blunt of Missouri. DAVE: "Missouri Senator Roy Blunt voted ‘NO' on gun reform legislation despite the fact that 85% of voters in his state wanted background checks for gun buyers. Senator Blunt took in a record $1.6 million in contributions from pro-gun lobby groups. But to be fair, over half of that was confederate money. Roy Blunt . . . that's ‘blunt' like the object that he must have been hit with to disregard 85% of his voters.
Roy Blunt, he's our ‘Stooge of the Night.'"
TOP TEN: TOP TEN THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH THIS WOMAN'S MIND AT THIS MOMENT
-During Sunday night's Billboard Music Awards, R&B singer, Miguel, kicked a woman in the face while he tried to leap across the stage. We take a look at the clip. OUCH!

TOP TEN THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH THIS WOMAN'S MIND AT THIS MOMENT
9. "Where is the ‘No Kicking' section?"
8. "I wonder if he'll sign my neck brace?"
7. "Why couldn't I be kicked by someone I've heard of?"
5. "Go Pacers!" Hey, that wasn't on the list! Dave added that one on his own.

ACT 3:
WILL SMITH

I asked those around me if Will would extemporaneously with the band and if he would go into the audience. Everyone said he WOULD sing, but only I thought he would make some sort of contact with an audience member. Will enters, shakes Dave's hand, then hurries over to Paul and performs a quick song. He did not touch or approach the audience. Damn! BUT . . . the microphone he was using was on a cord. He couldn't reach the audience with that microphone . . . BUT . . . he was already miked up. He didn't need that corded microphone.
Will sits and wants to be sure his impromptu performance does not take away from his seating time.
Dave asks Will what he does on his time off. Does he golf? Will says he picked up the game about 12 years ago and is about a 14 handicap. Dave plays very infrequently. The last time he played he shot a 152. I'm a little better than that but what I always say is I get more swings for the dollar than my more able golfer friends.
With the family, he likes to go to the beach and surf. The family loves it, but Will says he really just sits in a beach chair and watch. Will isn't much a fan of the water, having never learned how to swim. Dave gives Mr. Smith a hard time but I'm on Will's side on this. He, like me, is probably a sinker. I cannot stay afloat for any length of time. I blame it on having small feet. Will's new film, "After Earth" opens May 31st. Will is excited in that he appears in the film with his son, Jaden. In the clip, we see Will having to send Jaden out to save the planet. My guess is that Jaden is successful. But it's only a guess on my part. Don't let that ruin it for you.

ACT 5
ANNOUNCE: "Catch Dave tomorrow with Piedmont Bird Callers, Jason Bateman, and John Fogerty. Did You Know? The best Secretary of Defense is a good Secretary of Offense.
Keep watching."

ACT 7:
THE NATIONAL
: From their new album in stores tomorrow, "Trouble Will Find Me," The National performed "Don't Swallow the Cap."

And that was our show for Monday, May 20, 2013.

I was on the road to watch my daughter Danielle's lacrosse game this weekend. It was about an hour from home. Got in the car, headed over the Tappan Zee Bridge and headed north. I looked down at my indicators on the dashboard and saw the "Overheating" gauge to be a just a little higher than usual. It's usually just below half, between the C for Cold and the H for Hot. It was now right at half. I really had no reason to eyeball it but for some reason I did. And I'm glad I did. The needle kept creeping up towards the "H". Uh oh. Years ago, I would have panicked and called my friend Johnny. But this wasn't years ago, plus I didn't know Johnny's number. I put on my flashers and slowed down. I remember a trick from a lifetime ago to turn on the heat full blast to take some of the heat off the engine. Much to my surprise, this helped . . . . but just a little. I continued to watch the needle. It dropped a bit but was now on its way back up. I pulled over at the first gas station. Now, gas stations today aren't like gas stations of the 70s. There's no guy manning the pumps and certainly no guy inside the station in coveralls with an oily rag hanging from his pocket. There was only a woman fighting sleep and fighting the English language at the register. I looked around and saw no oil for sale; no anti-freeze/coolant on sale. Damn. I would have to ask. She pointed me to around the potato chips, behind a broom, to what I was looking for behind some shelves. I picked up a quart of oil and a pre-mixed two gallons of anti-freeze. I parked the car off to the side and . . . gulp . . . opened the hood. I hadn't been under a car hood in years. And back in the days when I did get under the hood all I would do was lean in, hands on hips, and look for an on-off switch or something. I never knew what I was looking for. I upped the hood and was surprised at what I saw, or more like what I didn't see. Where was the air filter? You know, that round thing that sat in the middle of the engine. My 2004 Honda Civic didn't have one. In fact, the engine looked nothing like my old ‘70 Chevy Impala. I knew little about cars then, and even less about cars now. I eventually found the oil place to add the oil. I didn't think a lack of oil was what was wrong with the car but I figure adding a quart of oil wouldn't hurt. Plus, the car has a slow oil leak and probably could use a gulp. Now was time to open the radiator. I knew enough to be careful because it would be very hot and the fluid would likely shoot up as soon as I opened it. I found an old newspaper and gave the radiator cap a twist. It hissed like a tea kettle. I waited a few minutes and gave it another turn. This time the boiling fluid shot up but I was prepared. The newspaper saved me a scald. Now I knew I should wait to let the radiator cool a bit before adding the anti-freeze fluid. Adding cool fluid to a hot radiator could cause it to crack. I remember someone telling me that decades ago. I went back inside the gas station and bought a soda pop and salty snack. They were easy to find. I sat and enjoyed the pre-rain sun and let the engine cool. 15 minutes later I was ready, and hopefully the car was ready, to add the anti-freeze/coolant. I slowly poured the green cool aid into the thirsty radiator. It drank it down like an iron worker and his beer on a Friday afternoon. I kept adding until it would take no more, then added some to the white plastic reservoir. I closed the hood, clapped my hands clean, and got back in the car. I put my hand on the key and knew this was the moment of truth. I turned the key. The car started. The needle went up to "H" . . . . then slowly backed down. I blasted the heat. The needled continued to drop. And it continued past the halfway mark and then just below. There is settled at a comfortable position, closer to the "C" than it was to the "H". Really? You mean I fixed it?! Yes, I did! I fixed the car! All by myself! I drove the final 20 minutes to the game, heat blasting, everything else off. The needle remained in the safe position. I had fixed it!

I got to the game having missed the first 5 minutes. I steered the conversation with the other parents as to why I was late. Car trouble. But I fixed it. I mentioned something about the intake manifold and cylinder head. They were impressed. The dirt and grime from the engine was still on my hands. I let it stay.

Danielle's team lost, 10-4. Season's over. But did I mention how I fixed my car?

How pathetic . . . . so excited and proud simply for adding fluid to my radiator.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
He received a Cameo Mention when he was married, and he's getting one again today 13 years later on his anniversary. From 2000 – "Just married on May 20th, it's Steven Ford. Congratulations Steve. If you're reading this while on your honeymoon, you've got problems."
Congratulations, Steve Ford. Once again you didn't mention your wife's name.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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