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Wednesday, June 5, 2013 George Clarke shows off our 5th floor chicken farm.
Show #3859
Nathan Fillion, John Oliver, and Local Natives.
PLUS: Good Commencement Speech/Bad Commencement Speech; Other Dance-Related Government Scandals; a Stagehand with a Card Trick; a Top Ten List; and George Clarke Gives a Tour of the Ed Sullivan Theater Office Building.
" . . . and now, virtually life-like . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
- "Kim Kardashian's baby is a girl. We need another Kardashian like we need another Michael Douglas revelation."
- "A study concludes the Republican Party is too rigid. When a Democrat is rigid, it usually means Anthony Weiner."

The unexpected rim shot that followed the "rigid/Anthony Weiner" joke nearly knocked Dave right out of his shoes.

Hey, it's college graduation time and nothing is more important to a graduation than the commencement speech. Some are good; some are not. We take a look at this:
ART CARD: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH / BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH"
ANNOUNCE: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see President Obama giving a good speech.
ANNOUNCE: "BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see Bear Grylls proclaiming he has to drink his own pee . . . and then does so.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.'"
Yes, one is good, the other is bad . . . . . but which of those two will you remember for the rest of your life?

By the way, whatever you do make sure you keep hydrated. We see the clip of Marco Rubio reaching for a water during his response to the State of the Union Address in January. Dave goes on too long with it as we see Rubio reach and re-reach for the water. Dave kept at is until it started to get funny again.

And hey, how 'bout that IRS! We see a clip of the dancing IRS members. I think they were dancing on our money.
And this brings us to this new segment, "Other Dance-Related Government Scandals." We take a look.
- 1972 - NASA - we see a clip of dancing robots.
And then we see another.
- 2011 - we see Rick Perry dancing with a bunch of rabbis.
And one more.
- 2006 - The White House - we see President Bush dancing and playing the bongos.
What? No shots of Wilbur Mills dancing with Fanny Foxe?

ACT 2:
Before we can get to the Top Ten, stagehand Gene Szymanski sits in the guest chair by Dave.
GENE: "Pick a card."
DAVE: "Uhh, Gene, we're right in the middle of a show."
GENE: "Pick a card!" (Dave picks a card)
GENE: "Okay, take a look at the card, show the audience without showing me, and then put it back in the deck." (Dave returns card)
GENE: "Okay, I know what it is . . . . . the king of hearts."
DAVE: "No."
GENE: " . . . . . Three of diamonds."
DAVE: "No."
GENE: "Jack of spades?"
DAVE: "No.
GENE: "Five of hearts."
DAVE: "No."
Gene begins to look through his deck of cards.
GENE: "Is it black or red?"
DAVE: "Black"
GENE: "Spades?"
DAVE: "Clubs."
GENE: "Odd or even?"
DAVE: "Even."
GENE: "Two of clubs."
DAVE: "Higher."
GENE: "Six of clubs."
DAVE: "Higher."
GENE: "Seven of clubs."
DAVE: "Higher, and seven isn't even."
GENE: "Nine of clubs."
DAVE: "No, and 9 isn't even either. Higher."
GENE: "Oh, I got it. Is it the ten of clubs?"
DAVE: "Yes."
Fanfare, applause from the audience.
GENE: (stands) "Ta da!"
Gene runs off in triumph.
Dave coughs into his hand, "Idiot."

TOP TEN: CALLS RECEIVED AT TACO BELL HEADQUARTERS
- We've probably all heard about the Taco Bell kid who posted a photo of himself licking a stack of taco shells before serving them. We take a look at the photo. It's a yick lick.
CALLS RECEIVED AT TACO BELL HEADQUARTERS
7. "When will licked shells be available in my area?"
5. "I'm trying to reach Johann Pachelbel." (classical music reference, people . . . . read a book)

ACT 3:
NATHAN FILLION
From the popular TV show, "Castle," and now starring in the film adaptation of "Much Ado About Nothing." But let's get to what's most important: his moveable hair. Nathan shared this the last time he was here. He can move his hair forward and back, left and right, as if it were a piece. Don't know if it is or not, but if it is it's a great one.
Nathan is on a two-month hiatus from shooting "Castle" and he likes to fill his free time with adventure. He's especially excited for his break because last year he had surgery on his foot that left him immobile for the two months. He had a bone spur in his foot that caused him great pain and he finally decided to get it fixed. How did the injury occur? It dates back over 25 years ago when he was playing hacky-sack with his brother. The sack was kicked over the hedges into the neighbor's yard and his bro went to retrieve it. From the other side his brother called out that he was going to throw it over. The sun was setting and it would be hard to see but Nathan was up to the task. His brother threw the hacky-sack over the hedge and Nathan raced to give it a kick. Which he did . . . . but it wasn't the hacky-sack. His brother threw over a rock instead. It killed. Naturally, Nathan didn't say anything and instead suffered through it for years, as do most boys with brothers.
This hiatus Nathan went to a concert and jumped into a mosh pit. He ended losing a shoe. It was probably a loafer.
"Much Ado About Nothing" - it opens this Friday.

ACT 4:
The Ed Sullivan Theater is a beautiful building with much intricate detail and nooks and crannies that even Dave doesn't know about. Our Building Engineer George Clarke knows the building inside and out and we decided to let him show us some of the building few of us are aware of. It's something we call, "George Clarke's Tour of the Ed Sullivan Theater Office Building."
We find George in the freight elevator. It stops on a floor.
GEORGE: "Fifth Floor"
George opens the door.
GEORGE: "Chicken farm."
We see a thriving chicken farm being run on the 5th floor.
Probably explains why we get our eggs real cheap here.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Make it back here tomorrow for Dave and his guests Johnny Galecki, John Mellencamp and Stephen King, and Queens of the Stone Age. Plus, check out Queens of the Stone Age Live on Letterman! Queens of the Stone Age's exclusive Ed Sullivan Theater concert webcast is live Wednesday at 9 P.M. Eastern, 6 P.M. Pacific. Only at CBS.com/LateShow.
You're gonna like the way you look."

ACT 6:
JOHN OLIVER - He's the summer guest host for "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart." The English chap is witty and quick. He's been state-side for 7 years and finds stand-up comedy back home a bit different from here. In England, a stand-up's routine is seen more as a discussion. The audience will critique and evaluate every joke. It's not easy.
John is not yet an American citizen but his wife is. She was in the Army as a combat medic in Iraq. The audience applauds her service, which John is more than willing to accept as if it is for him.
Jon Stewart is going off for the summer to direct or something and John will be filling in for 8 weeks or so starting this Monday. He hopes simply not to destroy the program. He only wants to keep it running until Jon gets back. He admits to being a bit nervous since most of his training in interviewing celebrities is to make fun of them.
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart with John Oliver" begins this Monday, June 10th, on the Comedy Central at 11:00 PM.

ACT 7:
LOCAL NATIVES
From their album, "Hummingbird," Local Natives performed "Breakers." And you can see them this weekend here in New York at the Governors Ball Music Festival.

And that was our show for Tuesday, June 4, 2013.

Tuesday's New York Post Headline regarding Michael Douglas: "Sex Gave Me Cancer," is just the opposite of the premise of the film, "50/50"

TOP TEN: CALLS RECEIVED AT TACO BELL HEADQUARTERS - I had a minute so I submitted some to the pile. Here were my suggestions:
- Do you have the number for "Jack in the Box"?
- Is this an advertisement for the new "Spew-lupa"?
- How much for a taco without spit?
- Is he single? (DING! - was #6)
- Does spit have a lot of calories? (DING on the calories - 10. "Does a lick add or subtract calories?" )
- Do your employees floss before licking the food?
- How much is the "Spittle on the Griddle" special?
- Isn't that how Michael Douglas got throat cancer? (DING on the Michael Douglas reference - #1 - "Michael Douglas here . . . .")
- Why does my burrito taste like Chihuahua?
- Is saliva one of the layers in your 7-Layer Burrito?
- I'm afraid to ask but what do you do to your refried beans?
My DINGS could have come from another writer, too. I don't know.

How did Gene Szymanski do the card trick? What if he said the right card by accident before he got to the end?
Answer: the entire deck was made up of the ten of clubs.

Heat vs. the Spurs --- who am I rooting for? I usually go with the team with the least amount of tattoos, so I guess I'll be rooting for the San Antonio Spurs.

Looking for something to do this summer? Keep your eye out for the film, "The Kings of Summer," (formerly known as "Toy's House") written by former Late Show staffer Chris Galletta. It was tremendously received at the recent 2013 Sundance Film Festival and made its debut here in New York just last week. Kudos to Chris! Look for it at your local bijou.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
He got his smarts in Steubenville, Ohio, from Baltimore, Maryland, it's Rocco Andrews.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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Sally Field
Timothy Simons
Needtobreathe

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Thursday, April 3
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