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Wednesday, June 5, 2013 Johnny Galecki takes on Abe Lincoln and a guy in a bear suit.
Show #3860
Johnny Galecki, John Mellencamp and Stephen King, and Queens of the Stone Age.
PLUS: Good/Bad Commencement speech; words Anthony Weiner should avoid; Tony's diary; a Top Ten list; Jailhouse Rock explored; and the Late Show

Bicycle Race. " . . . and now, with caffeine added . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-"The marriage between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries is officially over, the divorce has been finalized. The marriage began to fall apart somewhere between ‘I' and ‘do'."
-"Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in Times Square unveiled its new statue of the lovely and curvaceous Sofia Vergara. Imagine what that would do to the Anthony Weiner statue."

Paul's suit made him look like an escapee from the local prison. I pictured him breaking rock in his black and white horizontally striped suit.

Hey, it's college graduation time and nothing is more important to a graduation than the commencement speech. Some are good; some are not. We take a look at this:
ART CARD: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH / BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH"
ANNOUNCE: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see former President Bill Clinton giving a good speech.
ANNOUNCE: "BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see former President George W. Bush giving a bad commencement speech: "Are my testicles black?"
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.'"
Yes, one is good, the other is bad . . . . . but which of those two will you remember for the rest of your life?

Dave teases Paul about his suit. During the back and forth, Paul breaks out into some "Jailhouse Rock."

Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City, which gladdens us here to no end. We all know he's had some trouble in the past, so we put together this segment for his benefit called, "Words Anthony Weiner Should Avoid"
ART CARD: "WORDS ANTHONY WEINER SHOULD AVOID"
Music.
Quick cut to Anthony Weiner: "Package."
ART CARD: "WORDS ANTHONY WEINER SHOULD AVOID"
Music.

Dave is looking for clarification. Jailhouse Rock. "So the warden threw a party in the county jail?"
Paul responds, "Yes. The prison band was there and they began to wail."

Once again, "Words Anthony Weiner Should Avoid."
ART CARD: "WORDS ANTHONY WEINER SHOULD AVOID"
Music.
Quick cut to Anthony Weiner: "Stimulate."
ART CARD: "WORDS ANTHONY WEINER SHOULD AVOID"
Music.

Dave: "Today is June 5th. Another day wasted. It's miserable here. I'm tired of working for that bastard."
Dave is confused. What is it he just said? It didn't make sense to him. Why would he say such? We cut to Cue Card maven Tony Mendez. We see on his cue cards those very words Dave just spoke.
DAVE: "Tony, what is that?"
TONY: (caught in an embarrassing mistake) "It's from my diary! I must have copied it by mistake. It has nothing to do with you. It's some other bastard."
DAVE: "Oh."
I'm not sure if that bit was even worthy of the Tony Mendez Show.

Once again, "Words Anthony Weiner Should Avoid."
ART CARD: "WORDS ANTHONY WEINER SHOULD AVOID"
Music.
Quick cut to Anthony Weiner: "Turn on."
ART CARD: "WORDS ANTHONY WEINER SHOULD AVOID"
Music.

Uh oh, Alex Rodriguez is in trouble again. He, and a score of others baseball players, have been implicated in the use of performance enhancing drugs. The A-Rod is facing a 100-game suspension. This isn't the first time Alex has been involved in questionable behavior. We take a look.
We see a shirtless Biff Henderson rubbing and caressing the bare-chest of Alex. Remember that clip? We've gotten a lot of mileage out of that.

ACT 2:
Back from commercial, Dave has the lyrics to "Jailhouse Rock" in his hands. Writer Bill Scheft came back to the shack backstage and quickly printed out a copy.
Dave reads: "The warden threw a party in the county jail. The prison band was there and they began to wail. The band was jumping and the joint began to swing. You should have heard those knocked-out jailbirds sing. Everybody in the whole cell block was dancing to the Jailhouse Rock."
This jailhouse certainly wasn't Shawshank.

Are you familiar with the City's new bike-share program? The City, and CitiGroup have set up bike lots that anyone can use. Swipe your credit card and you get a bike to use. I'm not sure how they keep track as to who returns the bike and who doesn't but I'm sure there is already those working the system. In honor of the bike-share program, we're presenting the Late Show Bicycle Race. In our very first race, competing will be a guy dressed as Abraham Lincoln and a guy dressed in a bear suit. And they will be playing for a cordless phone!
Biff is standing between the two on the east side of 53rd Street by Broadway. The finish line is 150 feet westward. Biff gets the contestants ready and then fires the starting pistol. The brown bear and Abe are off! And it is our 16th President first across the line. I'm not sure what he will do with a cordless phone.

TOP TEN: ALEX RODRIGUEZ EXCUSES
7. Asked myself, "What would Lance Armstrong do?"
4. Cooperstown is such a schlep.

ACT 3:
Dave with more Jailhouse Rock lyrics.
"The sad sack was sitting on a block of stone,
Way over in the corner weeping all alone.
The warden said, ‘Hey, buddy, don't be no square.
If you can't find a partner use a wooden chair."

Dave wonders, "Is it a bad thing if you can't find a partner in prison?"

JOHNNY GALECKI
We have a guy dressed as a bear, a guy dressed as Abraham Lincoln, and Johnny Galecki dressed as Joaquin Phoenix. "The Big Bang Theory" actor is off from taping and he's just let the beard go. The beard and the hair were Joaquin, but I saw his eyebrows as Martin Scorsese.
"The Big Bang Theory" is the #1 comedy in the country and the ratings continue to climb. Johnny was also on the "Roseanne" show back in the day. There he got to work with Milton Berle. Mr. Berle offered to teach the young 18-year-old Galecki how to pick up a girl. First, you look her in the eye. Then you look her at her mouth. And then you look back to her eyes. Milton didn't offer the last part: And then you show her your huge wallet stuffed with cash you made as an actor. That always helps, too. I "Played the Dave." When Galecki said Milton Berle offered to teach him how to pick up a girl, I said "And if you can't find a girl, use a wooden chair." DING! I won at "Play The Dave." It wasn't an exact hit but the reference was there.
Norm Macdonald also worked on the "Roseanne" show and Norm was always challenging Johnny to some kind of race. Johnny would beat Norm by miles but Norm would never admit defeat. Then Norm would go nap for a few hours to avoid the travail of writing. And Norm would often invite many to lunch, then never show up. Call him on it and he would say he was there and that you weren't.

"The Big Bang Theory" – there is none better. 18 million people can't be wrong. Thursday nights at 8:00 PM right here on CBS.

ACT 4:
Out on 53rd Street we find Abraham Lincoln, the bear, and Johnny Galecki at the starting line for another race. Biff fires his gun, probably startling the matinee audience over at Cinderella, and off they go. Johnny holds off the two and crosses the finish line in victory.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Catch us tomorrow as Dave welcomes Vince Vaughn, comedian Andy Kindler, and Queens of the Stone Age. Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Queens of the Stone Age Live on Letterman! Queens of the Stone Age's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Making you happy is what I do."
ACT 6:
JOHN MELLENCAMP AND STEPHEN KING

John Mellencamp and Stephen King enter. Dave notices that John has a bit of a shiner under his left eye. The story? Stephen jumps in and says "Collaboration isn't always easy." John says he lives in a small town and there isn't a lot to do other than to get into fights. He then admits he and his son had a bit of a disagreement. Dave admonishes John, but John is quickly defended by Stephen, "It's always the father's fault!" John puts the story to rest with, "He got a punch in; I did not." A shiner under John's left eye tells me his son is a righty.
John Mellencamp and Stephen King together? Yup. They've written a play together. It was an idea from John and Stephen wrote. John added the music. Years ago John had purchased an old house that turned out to be haunted. Back in the 30's a grisly murder took place. When he told the story to his agent, who knew John was tinkering with writing a play, the agent suggested that this story could be the play. John replied that he would only do it if Stephen King agreed to write it. Just so happened that the agent also represented Stephen King. Stephen did his part; John did his, but it didn't quite fit. Not until T Bone Burnett entered and embraced the whole picture did it really start to get to where they wanted it to go. The play/musical, "Ghost Brothers of Darkland County", will begin a national tour this fall. The soundtrack is in stores this week. Quite an interesting duo, Mellencamp and King.

ACT 7:
QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE

From the highly anticipated new album, ". . . Like Clockwork," Queens of the Stone Age performed "My God Is The Sun."
And they'll be here tomorrow night, too.

And that was our show for Wednesday, June 5, 2013.

Remember Jay Leno's celebrity car racing bit in his 10:00 PM show? Well, I'm hoping we do something similar with the bike racing on 53rd. Each week we'll have a celebrity or two challenge one of our costumed characters. I think I'll pitch that idea. And we'll do it until someone gets hurt. And we could have our costumed characters race against a costumed character performing on Broadway. For instance, our fat Spiderman could race against King Mufasa of the Lion King. The witch in "Wicked" could race against Rupert. And on and on.

I heard something on the radio yesterday that really made me smile. The person speaking wasn't trying to be clever or offer insight, but he stumbled onto an astute observation which I'll use and pretend to be mine. I don't remember the subject but the guy said, "It was like reality TV, only it was real!"

The Yankees have two guys suspected of using the performance enhancing drugs. Both, Alex Rodriguez and Francisco Cervelli, are currently on the disabled list and face a 50 or 100-game suspension. Here's my idea, and I'm sure the Yankees are onto it as well, just before the suspensions are announced, activate A-Rod and Cervelli. Take them off the disabled list. Have their suspension coincide with their recovery on the disabled list. Ta-da!

When will the Emmy people create a category for Best Writing on a Reality Series?

Don't forget to hang your flag on the 6th. It's the 69th anniversary of D-Day.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Southington, Connecticut, and Marilyn's Farmhouse Daycare, it's Marilyn Sargent
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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