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Thursday, June 6, 2013 Pizza Wars: Pizza Hut strikes a Domino's delivery drone.
Show #3861
Vince Vaughn, Andy Kindler, and Queens of the Stone Age.
PLUS: What Will A-Rod Do During His Suspension; Domino's Drone Delivery; Good/Bad Commencement Speech; a Sales Pitch for a Retirement Home; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . and now, a servant of the people . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
- "An 84-year-old woman from Florida won the $590 million Powerball jackpot. At least now her grandchildren will visit her."
Alex Rodriguez is looking at a 100-game suspension for his alleged use of performance enhancing drugs. We've put together a segment called, "How A-Rod Will Spend His 100-Game Suspension."
Art Card: "How A-Rod Will Spend His 100-Game Suspension."
Announce: "Missing putts. Missing baskets. Missing dartboards. Miss . . ."
Cut to "Joke's Over" graphic.
You see, when Alex was playing with the Yankees last year, he would often miss the ball when pitched. Now he's missing putts and baskets and stuff.

This is crazy. Did you hear about his new Domino's Pizza delivery system? Honest, it's a real thing. Dave saw this commercial last night about it.
ANNOUNCE: "In the near future, Domino's wants to deliver you pizza quickly and efficiently via unmanned drone." We see a Domino's pizza being flown through the air aboard a drone.
Music turns sinister.
The roof of a Pizza Hut opens and a missile is deployed. It blows up the Domino drone.
ANNOUNCE: "Pizza Hut: pizza the old-fashioned way.
Let the pizza wars begin.

Hey, it's college graduation time and nothing is more important to a graduation than the commencement speech. Some are good; some are not. We take a look at this:
ART CARD: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH / BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH"
ANNOUNCE: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see Oprah giving a good commencement speech.
ANNOUNCE: "BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH."
We see Dave giving a bad commencement speech: "Why don't you go 'givl' yourself!"
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.'"
Yes, one is good, the other is bad . . . . . but which of those two will you remember for the rest of your life?
Dave's line is from his Al Maher/Christmas Party story.

ACT 2:
Dave opens the Top Ten and a guy saunters out by the skyline. Dave looks and questions his appearance. The guy is selling something.
GUY: "Getting old? It happens to all of us if we're lucky, but what do you do when it happens to someone you love?" (gestures to Dave) "Look at him. Sure, he's still somewhat healthy and occasionally alert, but when you look in those glassy, vacant eyes, you can tell he's pretty much a dim bulb. At Transitions Senior Solutions, we understand what you're going through. Whether you're looking for in-home care, a retirement community, or just tired of fighting with an oxygen company, our customer service associates are available 24 hours a day to find a solution that fits your needs. So call us today." (to Dave) "Looks like the show's almost over. Can I save you a seat on the shuttle bus?"
DAVE: "Ohhh, no, thanks. But thank you. I think I'll walk."
GUY: "Good. Like to see you staying active."
He exits.
Dave sighs, then calls the gentleman back to take a bow for his performance.
Dave probably doesn't think he's ready for Transitions Senior Solutions . . . but they never do think they're ready, even those who need it most.

TOP TEN: OTHER FILMS 'TOO GAY FOR HOLLYWOOD"
- The director of "Behind the Candelabra, Steve Soderbergh, says his film was "too gay for Hollywood." We take a look at some other films that were too gay for Hollywood.
10. "Antiquin' in the Rain"
9. "Not Very Butch Cassidy"
8. "12 Sweaty Men"
7. "Jazz Hands Luke"
6. "The Wizards of Abs"
5. "The Good, The Bad, and The Fabulous"
4. "There Will Be Blood Orange Sorbet"
3. "Ben-Him"
2. "Guess Who's Coming To Brunch?"
1. "Dial M for Madonna Tickets."

My pitch: "Eight Men Out"

ACT 3:
VINCE VAUGHN
Vince enters via the skyline like the guy pitching the retirement home. Vince's new movie is "The Internship." Dave found a lot to enjoy about the film, specifically Will Ferrell's huge Mandarin tattoo on his neck which translates to: "Make Reasonable Choices." Vince is the dad of a two-year-old and it reminds him of his own childhood. Vince was a reasonable good kid. Barbecue chips would entertain him when he was young. By five, that grew old. Through the years, he went from barbecue chips to matches to fireworks to bottle rockets to darts and on, each more dangerous than the prior. The fun was basically in getting as close to injury without getting injured. It really came to light one day when he and friends were tossing darts at each other and Vince got one right in the eyebrow. Wow! Darts could really cause a lifetime of misery. The danger wasn't enough to make them stop, though, but it did bring about their using ski goggles. Ever get in trouble with the cops? Vince denies such, but does remember the fun it was to be chased by cops after sneaking after-hour swims at the country club. Avoiding the beams from the flashlights and then scampering made one feel like an escaping felon.
"The Internship" takes place at Google where Vince and Owen Wilson go through a forced career change and enlist for an internship. Naturally, they are twice the age of the other interns. There unsavviness in the electronic world put them at a distinct disadvantage. What we find, or hope to find, is that trying hard and common sense doesn't go out of style.
"The Internship" - Opens this Friday.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Sit yourself down again tomorrow for Dave and his guests, Tom Hanks, and a performance by the cast of 'Pippin'! Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Queens of the Stone Age Live on Letterman! Queens of the Stone Age's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. No further questions, your Honor."

ACT 6:
ANDY KINDLER: The man always makes me laugh. He works for me. You can see him performing at the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas June 26th through the 29th.

ACT 7:
QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE
Back again tonight! From their new album, " . . . Like Clockwork," Queens of the Stone Age performed "I Sat By The Ocean."

And that was our show for Thursday June 6, 2013.

Monologue joke:
- "The Tony Awards are this Sunday. I'll be watching with my chauffeur, Scott Thorson."
Barely a laugh from the audience, but got a good one from me. For some reason back in the neighborhood growing up, Scott Thorson was a reference tossed about here and there. Thorson worked for Liberace in some capacity. I think the two were on the cover of The Star in some scandalous story and a few of us read about it. Since the HBO film "Behind the Candelabra," many are now familiar with Scott Thorson. A month ago, extremely few knew of Scott Thorson outside the neighborhood.

Obama names Susan Rice as National Security Adviser, which will likely put Republicans in an uproar. I think the President is trying to overload them so they can't concentrate on any one controversy or scandal. Plus, who has time for politics during the summer? Not a bad plan.

I'm looking forward to seeing "The Internship." I am hoping to see some of myself in it. I was an intern here at the Late Show at the age of 36. Back then, 36 felt old. Now it looks young.

Where were you 69 years ago today? It was D-Day, the invasion of Normandy. It enabled the Allies to gain a foothold in France along the heavily fortified coastline against the German army. 100,000 soldiers began their march across Europe to defeat Hitler.
What do you mean you didn't see anything about this today?

Tomorrow's previously viewed program
From May 14, 2013; Show #3851 - Tom Hanks and Pippin.
Check the Wahoo archives and make your plans accordingly.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Thinking of you, Maybeso320, Laura June Ryan.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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