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Monday, June 10, 2013 Alan Kalter pays the price for breaching Late Show security.
Show #3862
Russell Brand, Michael Shannon, and Haim.
PLUS: the NSA Files; guarding our privacy; Obama on the phone; Small Town News; and recent security breaches.

" . . . . and now, persnickety bank examiner . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

Attention: The following is a Spoiler Alert.

ACT 1:

-"Every loudmouth with a cellphone is suddenly concerned someone is listening to his phone call."
-"Whistleblower Edward Snowden said, 'I don't want to live in a society that monitors people.' Then he fled to China."
-"It's Sasha Obama's 12th birthday. Her dad gave her Justin Bieber's phone records."
The National Security Agency has obtained everyone's telephone records and the federal government is now spying on its citizens. We take a look at what the NSA has learned this week in "The NSA Files."
We see a guy lounging, sitting on his phone in his back pocket.
ANNOUNCE: "July 6, 2012. Benjamin Anderson of Albany, New York makes a call at 2:36 P.M. to a residential number in Malaysia while sitting on his phone."
Cut to a voice on the phone from Malaysia.
VOICE: "Hello? Hello? . . . . . Hello?"

And it turns out the government is monitoring all of our electronic communications, as well. Fortunately, there are some precautions you can take to protect your privacy. We watch.
ART CARD: "Guarding Your Digital Privacy"
ANNOUNCE: "Remove sensitive data from your hard drive by washing your computer after every use."
We cut to a guy at the kitchen sink. He is washing his laptop in the soapy water. Every time he submerges his computer, he receives a terrible shock and yelps in pain. Oh, the laughs!
ANNOUNCE: "Stay safe, America."
ART CARD: "Guarding Your Digital Privacy"

During the ACT 1 tease, Alan includes a quick, actual promo for Ford: "The Late Show with David Letterman, sponsored by Ford. Only Ford gives you eco-boost fuel economy and a whole lot more."

ACT 2:
Hey! What happened to our window? Behind Dave there is no longer the paneled window.

Are you concerned that the government is listening in on our phone conversations? Dave finds it somewhat comforting that there is somebody out there who is actually interested in what he may have to say. Dave then reaches for the desk phone. He picks up the receiver and we hear the President, "Nobody is listening to your telephone calls."

It's Monday, so you know what the means . . . time for "SMALL TOWN NEWS."
- "Lincoln County Journal" - Troy, Missouri - We see a can of Campbell's Pork & Beans on a real estate ad. The ad reads: "Bring in this ad to redeem your free can of Pork & Beans when you purchase a new 3 Bed, 2 Bath home!" - Yeah, usually right after you buy a new home, beans is just about all you can afford.
-"The Carbon County News" - Red Lodge, Montana - a police report about a disturbance: "Apparently two men were fighting over a woman, and a dead raccoon was thrown on a vehicle."
-"Southern Champaign County Today" - Villa Grove, Illinois - an ad for a storage company: "Storage Units and Outside Area Lighted and Secured with 6-inch fence"
-"New York Mills Dispatch" - New York Mills, Minnesota - a police report: "Took a report of a stolen vehicle. The vehicle was located at the owner's home. The owner had left the home on foot and forgot that the vehicle was there."
-"The Free Lance-Star" - Fredericksburg, Virginia - a classified ad: "Missing: Electrolux vacuum"
-"The Lewiston Tribune" - Lewiston, Idaho - a crime report: "A man called police because he believed his ex-wife had come into his home while he was away and ate half a bag of his chips."
-"The Register-Guard" - Eugene, Oregon - this is a bit of a long one - "One of three workers arriving for a house remodeling job built a warming fire in the carport . . . . The fire spread, so another worker used an excavator to knock down the carport and try to pull it away from the house . . . The blaze then spread to a Douglas fir tree, so a worker grabbed a power saw to cut down the 120-foot-tall tree, which fell on the house. Firefighters were unable to save the structure."
-"The Brainerd Dispatch" - Brainerd, Minnesota - Paul Shaffer reminisces of his time taking family vacations to Brainerd. - Police report: "DISTURBANCE -- A report... of a 17-year-old Fort Ripley man who was mad because he had to do his homework."
-"The Herald Times" - Bloomington, Indiana - a classified ad: "Casket standard size - made of pine, ready for burial, can be used for book case, storage, etc. before final calling."
- "The Western Wayne News" - Cambridge City, Indiana - from the police blotter: "Gillman Home Center reported a possible theft of an unknown article from their store."
-"Gold Clipper Magazine" - Tallmadge, Ohio - "DAN & VANESSA'S BEST CARPET CLEANING - in smaller lettering - "Formerly Dan & Denise's Best Carpet Cleaning""

Ooh, I'd like to hear the story behind that.

ACT 3:

Dave was concerned that the well-spoken hipster from England had become too cool to do our show. Russell assures Dave that although his coolness has increased somewhat, it is still very appropriate for this program.
Russell is about to set off on his first worldwide stand-up comedy tour in August. Dave wonders if there is a demand for that. Russell says there is absolutely.

Russell eyeballs the mug of water on the desk and motions in question if he could partake. He then drinks the entire contents, not stopping at a sip like most. (For your records) This may have been the first full drink from the mug on the show.
Was Russell a good student in school? He says he wasn't much interested in what his teachers had to say and was involved with many a skirmish. He was eventually "Invited to come less." He also had a job as a postman, mainly because he was under the impression that there would be a chance for plenty of A.M. dalliance. Unfortunately, that side of the job never came to fruition. After 3 weeks, he quit the postal business. Sex for a mailman, Russell has learned, is purely a myth.

Russell will be at the Chicago Theater this Wednesday night and later this summer he will begin his first worldwide stand-up tour on August 15th in Abu Dhabi. And he will perform on Broadway, pretending that he is doing something important.

ACT 4:
Over the weekend, there were several breaches of security at live events. Luckily, no one was harmed by they were all pretty frightening. We take a look.

ART CARD: "Recent Security Breaches"
ANNOUNCE: "A woman appears onstage during 'Britain's Got Talent,' and pelts Simon Cowell with eggs." (VT)
"A protestor storms the court at the French Open." (clip)
"And an unruly loiterer is removed from the Ed Sullivan Theater." We cut to Alan Kalter at his perch who is tasered by some Late Show henchmen. Alan is then carried away.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Recent Security Breaches.' "
I have a feeling Dave could have prevented that if he really wanted.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We're hittin' it hard again tomorrow with Dana Carvey, from 'The Kings of Summer' Nick Robinson, and a performance by the cast of the Broadway musical 'Matilda.' Stay with us for the closing numbers from Wall Street and the commodities markets."

ACT 6:

He's the evil-doer in the new Superman movie, "Man of Steel."
Michael had a small role in the Bill Murray film, "Groundhog Day." He was on the set quite a bit but was scripted to do the same scene over and over. One day he got the courage to start a conversation with Bill. Bill was dancing to some "Talking Heads" and Michael saw a commonality. Michael asked, "So, you like the Talking Heads?" Bill immediately stopped dancing and said blankly, "Well, I'm listening to them, so, yes." And that was it. Michael felt so stupid. In passing, he shared the experience with the director. Much later on the last day of filming, the director stopped the shoot because Bill Murray had an announcement. Bill stood up and shouted, "Mike, I like you. I really do. Don't worry about what happened between us." Mike admits to feeling absolutely ridiculous.
He also once worked with Sidney Poitier on "To Sir, With Love: Part 2." Michael couldn't quite get the scene, couldn't quite get the part the director wanted. Mike was only a teen at the time. The director took a break and Mike was feeling very uncomfortable. The director, Peter Bogdanovich, wanted Mike to appear smarter. He was from the wrong side of the tracks but was very intelligent. Mike couldn't quite get it. He approached Mr. Poitier in hopes of getting some advice. Sidney Poitier tells him, "I don't know what your technique is, but you're weird."
In "Man of Steel," Michael plays General Zod or Doctor Zod or Professor Zod. As we were leading up to the clip, I asked the person beside me, "Shecky clip or no Shecky clip?" A Shecky clip is an odd movie clip procured from our film coordinator Rick Scheckman. Unbeknownst to the guest, we show that clip instead of the actual. Did we get a Shecky clip? DING! Yes, we did. Then we got the real clip.
"Man of Steel" - the blockbuster opens this Friday.

ACT 7:
: (pronounced Hi-um) From their new EP, "Forever," the band from Los Angeles performed "Forever."

And that was our show for Monday June 10, 2013.

How many of you noticed? The paneled windows behind Dave have been removed. Now it's a clear view of the city and the George Washington Bridge. I knew they would no longer be there but not till I saw it did I realize we had a bit of a quandary: When Dave throws a blue card behind him, should we hear a glass-crash? I'm not going to tell you what we decided because I don't think we decided anything yet.

When the media says that San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker is underrated, whose fault do they think it is?

With all this snooping and spying by the government, if I weren't hooked on the inane, I'd give up Facebook.

Yes! Somebody agrees with me! In an article by Rohin Dhar from March in a priceonomics blog, he says "Diamonds Are A Sham And It's Time We Stop Getting Engaged With Them."
He says that instead of paying big dollars from your skimpy savings for a shiny rock, you and your soon-to-be should invest the money that will compound over time to provide a nest egg. He calls buying a diamond a terrible investment.
I always said a guy should buy his bride a fake diamond and instruct her to always keep her hand in motion when around friends. It's cheaper that way.

And if jewelers weren't embarrassed at what they charge for the shiny rocks, the price tags wouldn't be upside down in the window.
"Every kiss begins with 10K."

Tim Tebow to the New England Patriots. This is delicious. Boy, do I hope this works.

Hey, President Obama, thanks for the hit!

It was her birthday this weekend, Ramapo High School and SUNY Cortland alum, it's Laura Ann Spitz.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
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Saturday, May 16
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Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.