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Tuesday, June 11, 2013 Coming to Broadway: David Letterman Is "Letterace."
Show #3863
Dana Carvey, Nick Robinson, and a Performance by the Cast of the Broadway Musical, Matilda.
PLUS: The NSA Increased Surveillance; Tim Tebow Signs with the New England Patriots; Job Openings for College Graduates; Dave on Broadway; a Top Ten List; and Dave Presses a Button He Shouldn't.

" . . . and now, the dancing cavalier . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
- "Rough audience last night. Half way through, even the White House stopped listening in."

Surveillance is everywhere. The NSA is going crazy keeping their eyes and ears open and in our business. Their spying is becoming pervasive. Look what happened earlier today . . . and if you think hard, you'd remember it happened back in September, too.
We see a staffer in the conference room kitchen area. He opens the refrigerator to get a carton of milk. Inside the fridge is an NSA agent. Maybe he knows who keeps helping themselves to my lunch.

Good news for Tim Tebow. He just signed with the New England Patriots. And that's good news for ESPN, too, since they can't get enough of him even though they think he receives too much attention. We take a look at Tebow entering the New England Patriots training camp.
It's a clip of the Patriots mascot, Pat The Patriot" running down the field. Apparently, that's what the Pats got him for . . . to be their mascot.

It's that time of year when new college graduates are looking for jobs. Dave saw a commercial today that may be of interest.
ANNOUNCE: "Are you interested in building your future while you help your country? The National Security Agency is looking for bright, motivated men and women who can keep their 'givl'ing mouths shut!
The National Security Agency . . . the good hands people."

Act 1 tease and plug: Leinenkugel beer.

ACT 2:
The bashful Dave says he is nothing if not modest. There is Tom Hanks, there is Bette Midler . . . greats in show business who come to Broadway to step aboard the boards to shine. Well, Dave has been approached by some producers, and yes, why not . . . . Dave has been invited to partake in a limited run on Broadway. He admits to being scared silly but feels every man needs to stretch beyond their comfort. We take a look at what's planned for Dave this summer on Broadway.
ANNOUNCE: "Coming to Broadway this summer . . . . . like you've never seen him before. Rodgers and Hammerstein present . . . . 'Letterace.'" We cut to a shot of Dave's grinning head atop a garishly dressed pianist playing the piano.
ANNOUNCE: "Call TeleCharge or visit Letterace.com."

I have a similar videotape of my daughters as if they were on the "Barney" show.

TOP TEN: LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS ABOUT SUPERMAN - the summer Superman blockbusters, "Man of Steel," opens this Friday.
8. Works at the Daily Planet for the health insurance.
7. Can't fly anywhere without connecting in Atlanta.
5. Owes super strength to anti-aging clinic in Miami.
1. Once had to call doctor because "Man of Steel" lasted for four hours.

ACT 3:
DANA CARVEY
The forever young Dana Carvey. How's he keep looking so young? He says he spends a lot of time in the pharmacy. He suggests you not go to the pharmacy at the end of the day. The pharmacist is tired after putting in a full day and he isn't all that interested in being discreet. The pharmacist thinks nothing of barking out the orders: "Who's got the Flomax? Who's here for the Propecia, Adderall, Cialis . . .probably the cue ball who's too distracted he has trouble having sex.

Dave and Dana share the experience of the heart bypass surgery. Dave had the quintuple. Dana had the wrong artery cleaned out. The doctors got in there and had two to choose from . . . . and they picked the wrong one. This happened years ago and there is barely a day that goes by where someone doesn't ask him about it. Recently while treading on the treadmill, a woman asked if he should be exercising like that having a bad heart and all. Dana told her he feels great ever since he got the heart of a baboon put in. He told her he never gets tired anymore. He then broke out into a sprint to underline his point. She quickly told her husband the story. When he arrived, Dana began scratching himself like a monkey and making baboon sounds.
Anything to give the people a story.

Dana is pleased to have been flown in by the "Late Show" in first class. First Class used to be special, but now everyone seems to be special when flying. For boarding, preferential treatment goes to the "mileage plus" passengers, the Olympic Gold Medal alliance, the platinum elite passengers, the Blue Diamond sky sitters . . . and on and on. Dana likes sitting in first class, up near the front at the point of the plane, but is amazed at the hundreds who walk past him to get to their seats. It's like watching a parade of refugees slowly making their way across the desert looking for a new home. He admits to feeling somewhat guilty as he sips on his adult beverage while reading the New York Times as the hundreds journey to their cramped quarters.

Dana's mom and dad are still with us. His dad is 90 years old and it's hard to have any kind of discussion with him. Most conversations end with dad saying, "You don't know 'djoy.'" And for some reason, his mom now sounds like the Queen.

Dana will be performing August 10th at the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines, and at the Minnesota State Fair Grandstand in St. Paul on August 22nd.

ACT 4:
Dave has been here at CBS and the Ed Sullivan Theater since '93 and he's never noticed the red button on his desk. He's not sure what it's for and Paul advises him not to touch it. But how will Dave find out what it's for if he doesn't press it? Against Paul's wishes, Dave decides to press the button. Suddenly, the lights flash and a siren is heard.
Announcement: "Auto-destruct initiated. This desk will explode in thirty seconds."
Dave is confused, bewildered, but does not panic. He reached under his desk for some wire cutters. He walks over to a fuse box. He opens it to find a myriad of wires. Which to cut? The red? The blue? He better decide quickly because the desk will self-destruct in now less than 30 seconds. He decides on cutting the red wire. Every stops and goes back to normal. Safety returns. Dave sighs a sigh of relief. He then scolds with a smile the team of stagehands and carpenters off to the side.
DAVE: "If you guy wanted tomorrow off, you just had to ask. You didn't have to install a self-destruct button."
We see 5 of our best stagehands respond in unison: "Yeah, you're right. Sorry, boss. Sorry about that."

Nice work, guys. You each got a line in. Way to work it.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Celebrate Hump Day with us tomorrow as Dave welcomes Tom Brokaw, and Darlene Love.
Did You Know? The ink they use for printing expiration days goes bad after six weeks.
Keep it here."

ACT 6:
NICK ROBINSON
The young lad is the star of the new film, "The Kings Of Summer." He just graduated high school last night and took the 'red eye' to get here for the show. I remember I took the 'red eye' the night I graduated high school, too, but that was a cab ride home after a long stay at Murphy's Pub.
Nick plans on taking a "gap year" before attending college at NYU to finish work on the ABC Family show, "Melissa and Joey." Dave says he also took a gap year between high school and college to work, coincidentally, at the Gap. And I too took advantage of a gap year before starting college in earnest. Unfortunately, my gap year was also my freshman year.
We at the "Late Show" are excited for "The Kings of Summer" as it was written by former "Late Show" mailroom guy Chris Galletta. The film won raves at the 2013 Sundance Film Festival. You may be familiar with Chris and his directorial and camera work on "The Tony Mendez Show." (Is there still a Tony Mendez Show?) We are all very proud of Chris, pretending really hard not to be envious or jealous. I'm looking forward to my "For Your Consideration" copy of the film come Oscar season.
"The Kings of Summer" - now playing in select cities, and expanding to more cities this Friday.
Chris Galletta! Just think, your Wahoo fan mail was probably handled by him.

ACT 7:
MATILDA THE MUSICAL
The show won 4 Tony Awards Sunday night. The cast put on a rousing performance tonight on our stage. You can see the entire program at the Shubert Theater on 44th Street.

And that was our show for Tuesday June 11, 2013.

This will mean nothing but it struck me the other day for no reason. Many high schoolers are drafted in the baseball draft. Some decline the offer and attend college, but many accept and sign right after high school graduation. But how many 2nd basemen are signed right of high school? My guess is very few in the past 30 years. Why? Because if they were any good they would probably be playing short or third. It's something to toss out there while sipping at the bar with friends.

Will you be in Louisiana June 21-23rd? If so, check out the Des Allemands Catfish Festival on the grounds of St. Gertrude the Great Catholic Church. There's a great story behind the origin of the festival. Reverend William McCallion, Father Mac, founded the festival in 1975 to raise money for the church. It went a long way in stimulating the economy of the entire town and he became a bit of a hero to many in the area. It has grown into one of the area's most popular attractions. In 1975, Gov. Edwin Edwards signed a proclamation declaring Des Allemands the Catfish Capital of the World, and in 1980 the Legislature passed a resolution naming it the Catfish Capital of the Universe. If you like catfish, get on over there. And if that festival is anything like the festivals here, you'll want to check out the fried dough stand.

To paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy: If you are reading this right now, you might be the President.

Wait. I'm supposed to invest my hard earned money in Capital One because of what some Vikings tell me on TV? I guess that's . . . . . OK? Maybe if I took more economic courses in college that would make sense to me.

Ooh, almost forgot!
THE LATE SHOW THE DAY THEY WERE BORN
Nick Robinson was born March 22, 1995
What happened on LATE SHOW the day Nick Robinson was born?

LATE SHOW, March 22, 1995 (#349): Guests Chris Farley (promoting "Tommy Boy"), Stevie Wonder (performed "For Your Love" and "David, Where Is My Fat Ass Ham"), and Buddy, the Cross Country dog with Brian Harrington. Also: Doc Severinsen sits in with the CBS Orchestra, and Dave hands out chocolate Oscars to Tony Mendez, Rupert Jee, Paul, Doc, and Sirajul.

And that's what happened on LATE SHOW the day Nick Robinson was born.
Thank you, Mr. Donz, for the above.

If the above doesn't ring a bell, this was the show where Chris Farley entered doing a cartwheel and then fell over in the guest chair. Yup, and little Nick Robinson was being born.

Surprise me in your will!

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Dundee, New York, it's John Dombrowski
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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