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Monday, June 17, 2013 The Late Show gets a "Frances Ha"-like makeover.
Show #2866
Bill O'Reilly, Greta Gerwig, and Quadron.
PLUS: the new Iranian president; Dick Cheney; Biff tries to end the show early; Affordable alternative to Disney; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . and now, licensed and reputable master pipefitter . . . . . . . . David Letterman."

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-"The G8 meeting is underway in Northern Ireland. 38 years of European leaders getting together and they still can't come up with a standardized electrical outlet."
-"See the "Man of Steel"? You know, Superman . . . he's the superhero who is kryptonite intolerant."
-"Edward Snowden . . . it's the biggest international manhunt since Martha Stewart began online dating."

Iran has a new president: Hassan Rowhani. We're hearing that he's a relative moderate. OK. We take a look at this.
ART CARD: "HASSAN ROWHANI: MODERATE"
ANNOUNCE: "New Iranian president, Hassan Rowhani, rather than calling for 'death to America,' is calling for death to the mid-Atlantic states, Florida, the West Coast, the Great Plains, and the part of Michigan that looks like a mitten."
ART CARD: "HASSAN ROWHANI: MODERATE"

Time now for "Dick Cheney: Telling It Like It Is"
ART CARD: "Dick Cheney: Telling It Like It Is"
We see Dick Cheney on the Fox News Sunday program.
DICK CHENEY: "I have problems."
ART CARD: "Dick Cheney: Telling It Like It Is"

Biff enters following the Martha Stewart joke: "Man, that was a good one, Dave! That's a good one. You know, we've had a lot of laughs here tonight, but we've got to run. See you tomorrow. Goodnight, everybody!"
Paul and the band kick up the closing music. Dave quickly puts a stop to it.
DAVE: "Biff, we're just starting. The show isn't over."
BIFF: "Who cares? I'm going to see ‘Man of Steel.'"
Biff exits.

ACT 2:
The cost of going to Disneyland is up to $92 dollars for adults and $87 dollars for kids. Dave wonders, "Where are kids going to get $87?" When Dave heard the admission price, he called the staff together to uncover some entertainment alternatives that aren't as expensive as Disney. This is what we came up with.
ART CARD: "AFFORDABLE ALTERNATIVES TO DISNEYLAND"
ANNOUNCE: "For $92, you can go to Disneyland and meet Donald Duck. Or for zero dollars you can stay home and do this."
We cut to a guy fishing in a kayak. A duck flies and in and starts to peck at the back of his neck. The guy topples into the lake.
ANNOUNCE: "Thanks for watching 'Affordable Alternatives to Disneyland.' "
ART CARD: "AFFORDABLE ALTERNATIVES TO DISNEYLAND"

TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE ART GARFUNKEL CONCERT – Dave reads from the blue card: "Over the weekend at a small, invitation-only concert on Long Island, Art Garfunkel stormed off the stage when a local official wouldn't stop fiddling with his cellphone."
For my entertainment, I wrote the above simply to hear Dave say the word "fiddling."
Dave followed that with, "Can you actually fiddle on a cellphone?"

THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE ART GARFUNKEL CONCERT
10. "Gotta call you back. Garfunkel looks pissed."
7. "Yeah, my tickets were free, too."
3. "We're at an Art Garfunkel concert and he walks out?"

ACT 3:
BILL O'REILLY

Bill and Dave talk a bit of what it's like to be a father. Bill says he does all he can do to get his son outside. Dave shares that he has the same problem with his son. Bill says his son is a slave to the social media. Bill says he got him outside to walk a nature trail amidst the trees and the frogs. His son was scared to death. Bill's son also plays the Little League but isn't much the player. Bill says the pitcher is covered in safety equipment from head to toe. It's not like how it was when Bill and Dave were kids. Ahh, two old men talking about the old days . . . . . and I wish I could have been right in there with them. Bill says everything today is about self-esteem. Strikeout and the coach and parents laud, "Great swing!" Says Bill, "When I was a kid and I struck out, my father would say, ‘You stink!'" Dave shares the Harry plays baseball and recently got hit by a pitch. He tells dad of his new strategy the next time he gets up: "Next time I'll strike out as quick as I can."
My daughters played the softball when young. Dominique quickly learned that if she didn't swing, there would be a good chance she would get a walk to first base. She didn't swing for three games. I had to bribe her the next time up. She then went out and broke up a no-hitter in the 5th inning. I think it was more of the ball hitting the bat rather than vice versa.

Bill and Dave then talked about stuff I should be more interested in, like Edward Snowden, the NSA, Julian Assange, Syria, Turkey, Obama, the IRS, and Islam fundamentalist. I like conversation about baseball and frogs more.

One thing that amused me about Bill. When Dave asked if Edward Snowden will would be arrested . . . or maybe it was about Julian Assange, Bill assured that he would be facing 10 years, and somebody else would get 20. What percentage of followers of Islam are strident fundamentalist? Bill: "20 to 25%." He may be right, but the way he throws out the numbers . . . "10 years . . . . 20 years . . . . 20 to 25% . . . ." it really seems like he's just throwing out the first number that comes to mind. Who's to know?

Bill O'Reilly: "The O'Reilly Factor" on FOX News – weekdays at 8:00 PM and 11:00 PM.
His new book, ‘Kennedy's Last Days" is a great, informational read suitable for kids . . . when they aren't outside playing baseball or with frogs.
Look for O'Reilly's next book, "Leno's Last Days" coming out next spring. I wouldn't be so quick to write that one.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "You do not want to miss tomorrow's Late Show, with Dave's guests Don Rickles, Nick Cannon, and Tom Keifer. Should you celebrate the birthdays of your tropical fish? We'll hear the pros and cons from our panel of experts when we come back."

ACT 6:
GRETA GERWIG

She stars, and co-wrote, the film "Frances Ha." She's written before but this is her first big piece of work. Much of writing is rewriting, so how does she decide what stays and what goes? Greta credits her collaborator, and director, for making many those decisions. And that's the benefit of having an honest collaborator.
In high school, Greta describes herself as an aggressive theater nerd who was also into competitive fencing. She started out as a ballet dancer but like so many girls, her body grew out of that mold. Ballet dancers should be real skinny and real tall. Teachers don't tell parents that until they've already invested 7 years into lessons and recitals. Greta took her ballet skills to fencing and ended up being quite accomplished. She was ranked nationally and 3rd in California. She took up fencing because she always pictured herself taking off her helmet in slow motion and shaking loose her long flowing blonde hair. She knew that would be so sexy. Unfortunately, fencing is a sweaty business and that scenario never quite presented itself. Another drawback to fencing is that you get one really big leg and one really big arm. One side of the body is exerted much more than the other. She credits a lot of her success in fencing to her aggression and lots of screaming. And she would wear a lot of Hawaiian shirts which would make the opposition think she was kinda weird . . . or a big Buffet fan.
Her film, "Frances Ha," is shot in black and white. It's about her character trying to make it in New York City. The film clip we see is met with a standing ovation from the audience.

ACT 7:
QUADRON

From their album, "Avalanche," Quadron, making their network television debut, performed "Hey Love."

And that was our show for Monday, June 17, 2013.

$87 for kids to get into Disney? Outrageous? Yeah, kinda, until you go to one of those traveling carnivals often put on by the local volunteer fire department. You can go through $40 in no time and the rides are no bigger than your backyard swing set. And I'm no safety worry wart, but I'm not comfortable with the frayed rope that is supposed to keep my 6-year old secured to her roller coaster seat. All day at Disney for $87, or an hour at the fireman's carnival for $40. Makes Disney look like a pretty good deal.

Listening to Dave and Bill talk of the old days of going outside to play reminded me of a story I heard on Rick Wolff's Sunday morning's "Sports Edge" on WFAN sports radio. It's the best thing on radio. He talks about youth sports and the idiocy that surrounds it, usually due to the coaches and/or parents.
So this guy went to watch his son play Little League baseball and was bothered by what he saw. It didn't seem kid-friendly. There was little spontaneity and a lot of waiting around. He decided to take his son and some of his friends to the local school and have them play on their own without any adult supervision. This went on for a few weeks and eventually enough kids were coming to form two teams. The dad suggested they play a game. The kids thought it was a great idea but didn't know how to start.
-What are the teams? The dad told them they would have to choose the teams.
-What would we use for bases? Dad told them to go in the woods and find some cardboard.
-Where will we get an umpire? Dad told them they would have to decide who was safe and who was out.
-Batting order? Positions? What team is up first? The dad was amazed but a bit sad that the kids had no idea how to do anything. He kept telling them that they had to decide.
The game was a big success and this continued every Saturday throughout the summer. The kids decided everything. Parents soon stayed on to watch the kids play on their own. They loved how the kids were in charge of their own fun. The parents all praised the dad for coming up with this great idea.
They went on and on about how good this was for the kids. So elated were the parents that one guy gushed, "You know what we should do?! We should organize this!" To which the original dad cried out, "NOOOOOOOO!"
Organizing it was the last thing that this thing needed.

LATE NIGHT THE DAY THEY WERE BORN
Greta Gerwig: born August 4, 1983
So, what happened on LATE NIGHT the day Greta Gerwig was born?

LATE NIGHT, August 4, 1983: repeat of February 19, 1983
What happened on LATE NIGHT on February 19, 1983?
LATE NIGHT, February 19, 1983 (#183): Grace Jones. Also: Viewer Mail, the 107th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, Know Your Staff with Chris Elliott, and Dave calls Jane Pauley to prove the s how is videotaped seven hours before airtime.

And that's what happened on LATE NIGHT the day Greta Gerwig was born.

The above would almost not be possible without the efforts of Don Giller.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Norwalk, Connecticut and a 1976 Norwalk High School Bears grad, it's birthday boy Bob Shriver.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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