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Thursday, June 20, 2013 Oh, so that's what the "S" really stands for.
Show #2868
Jeff Daniels, Ken Jeong, and Jim James.
PLUS: Cheney's heart; scenes from "Man of Steel." Memorable Speeches in Germany; Fun Things To Do In The Summertime; a Top Ten List; and "Pat Farmer: Gadgetman"

" . . . and now, omnipresent recluse . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:

-"President Obama gave a speech in Berlin today. He said, ‘Ich bin ein Kenyan.'"

The city is always trying to improve. Now you can charge your phone all over the city. Is that really an improvement, or just another nail in the coffin?
And lucky for Dick Cheney, he can charge his artificial heart. We take a look at Dick Cheney showing off his heart. Lots of wires and stuff.
I always figured if Dick Cheney had a heart, it must be artificial.

The new Superman movie, "Man of Steel," is number one at the box office and the special effects are remarkable, but many are complaining about the product placement. It cheapens the art. We take a look at an example.
We see Superman being questioned by Lois Lane in an office.
SUPERMAN: "It wouldn't be much of a surrender if I resisted. And if it makes them feel more secure, then . . . ."
LOIS LANE: "What's the ‘S' stand for?"
Superman holds up a box of Stove Top Stuffing.

Wow! Very subtle.

But not that's not all people are complaining about. Loyalists to the Superman tradition also have a beef. We take a look.
We see footage from the "Man of Steel" film of Superman doing super man stuff. ANNOUNCE: "The new Superman film, ‘Man of Steel,' marks a sad departure from the character's proud history. Where are the external red underpants?"
Cut to the guy from the Geico commercial, whom we are calling Mitch Skelnick. He speaks to the viewers.
MITCH: "I'm Mitch Skelnick, president of The Association of External Red Underpants Manufacturers." (the camera widens for us to see entire body of Mitch Skelnick. He is wearing red underpants outside his trousers) "If you're a real Superman fan, or just a fan of men's fashions, fight for truth, justice and the American way, by boycotting this misguided film."
ANNOUNCE: "The Association of External Red Underpants Manufacturers: Building a Brighter Future."

When the written pieces come across my desk, I read the joke and try to guess which writer authored the piece before looking. I knew immediately the one above was a Steve Young.
Well done, Steve.

Earlier today, President Obama spoke at Germany's Brandenburg Gate, which has been the site of many stirring presidential addresses. We take a look back at the most memorable.
ANNOUNCE: "June 26, 1963." – we see Kennedy give his "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech.
ANNOUNE: "June 12, 1987." – we see Reagan give his "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall" speech.
ANNOUNCE: "July 31, 2006." – we see George W. Bush: "Last night, Jeb and I had some crabs with members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, Dan Marino and his really dynamic wife."

ACT 2:
Now that summer is here, Dave has been looking for fun things to do with the family, and he came across this great book, "Summer: A User's Guide." It has hundreds of ideas for summer-themed activities. Dave opens the book and reads a few:
-Build a gigantic sand castle.
-Run through a sprinkler
-Tie-dye T-shirts. (Dave's not a fan)
-Make a necklace out of dandelions (Dave not much of a fan of this, either)
-Rent a kayak. (nothing about putting it in the river, though.)
-Make a rope swing.
-Squeeze fresh lemonade.
Dave puts the book away, satisfied with his sharing what he learned in the book. For a second there, I thought he was going to read every one of the hundreds of ideas.
Paul is impressed with the book and says he could use a book like that. He's a busy guy and a book like "Summer: A User's Guide" is something that would certainly come in handy. He then goes into this best, over-the-top Ed McMahon bit of claiming how that book probably has EVERY idea under the sun about how to maximize your summer enjoyment.
At the end, Dave replies: "Well, nothing could be farther from the truth, Wayne & Shuster."
Paul does a spit take. I was hoping for, "There's more?!"
We came up with some other ideas on "Fun Things to Do in the Summertime."
-Don't stay inside watching television. Move the TV into the yard.
-Apply masking tape before sunbathing, to give yourself slimming, vertical-striped tan lines.
-Go door-to-door, checking neighbors for ticks. (Dave shares a tick fun fact: "A tick can live five years without water." Paul says what we all are thinking: "That bastard!"
-Swim naked in a shopping mall fountain.
-Catch, field dress and grill a raccoon.
-Continue searching for Jimmy Hoffa.
-Pick up a hitchhiker. Bring him to your clambake.
-Put a bikini on your kitty.
-Fake a slip-and-fall injury at your local pool.
-Attend a professional baseball game, or a Mets game.

By the way, if the Mets play their cards right with the young pitching staff they have, they just may have something in a couple years. The only drawback is . . . . they're the Mets.

ACT 3:
– we see a clip of an air-freight handler at an airport in China throwing boxes onto a conveyor belt ramp going up into the plane. He haphazardly tosses the boxes, not caring if they land on the belt or not. As is true with so many in the world today, he's satisfied with "Close enough."

9. "Do what you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life."
5. "I'll never stop seeking vengeance against the box that killed my father."
1. "I shouldn't have to do this; I'm the pilot!"

From the HBO series, "The Newsroom." If I got the HBO, I'd watch it. I hear it's very good.
Dave asks Jeff about his home of Michigan. Dave is particularly curious about the upper peninsula. YES! I work closely with a Michiganer and I'm always asking her about the non-mitten part of the state. Dwellers of the upper peninsula are called "Yuupees," I think. I was pleased to hear that Dave shares my yuupie curiosity. Dave says that the upper peninsula actually lies on the same land mass as Wisconsin and isn't attached to the mitten at all. Dave asks what is there to do in Michigan. He's noticed a campaign on the TV for vacationers to come to the great Great Lake state. What is some of the things to do in Michigan? Jeff exhales like as if blowing into a trumpet and offers, "Woods, hunting, fishing, and drinking." Damn!! Why doesn't the Michigan tourism board just say that? I'd be there!
What about the Grand Old Hotel? Jeff says the Grand Old Hotel is found on an island in Mackinaw and has the longest porch in the world. And no cars allowed. To get around, you have to walk, ride a bike, or go on horseback.
Dave asks Jeff about his kids. Jeff has 3 kids, all in their 20s. Dave exclaims, "Wow, they're all grown up?!" Jeff hesitates a bit. Yes, there in their 20s . . . but he's not sure if they're all grown up. They sound like they are typical 20-somethings; each a pain in the ass.
The two boys play hockey, which is a must coming from Michigan. The boys are sometimes teased being the son of the guy in "Dumb and Dumber." Jeff taught the boys how to respond to such taunts on the ice rink. An elbow to the earhole while crashing into the boards works wonders. Charging the mound in baseball works equally as well. Dave agrees with this fathering advice, though isn't sure if he should.

"Dumb and Dumber 2" is in the works. Jeff offers with a bit of a sigh, "Get ready, America."

Jeff Daniels – strong guest. I like him and his quick sly humor.

"The Newsroom" – the 2nd season premieres July 14tth on the HBO at 10:00 PM.

Shouldn't HBO offer me free HBO since I'm in the business?

ACT 4:
Time now for a new segment, something we call "PAT FARMER: GADGETMAN." The scrim rises and we find Pat standing by one of those new-fangled 3D printing copiers. Apparently, you can make anything with this.
PAT: "Thanks, Dave, and welcome to the world of 3D printing. One day soon, you'll be able to print virtually any three-dimensional object in the comfort of your own home. For instance, this iPhone cover, this bracelet, even this toy car, these were all printed using three-dimension technology. And now, let's see it in action."
Pat types an order into the lap top that is hooked up to the 3D printer. The printer starts to hum with activity.
PAT: "Before your very eyes, I'm going to print a 3D kitchen spatula that would cost you two to four dollars if you bought it at the store."
I think the machine is a proto-type because it is taking longer than we are accustomed to wait for anything in the impatient world.
PAT: "And almost instantly..."
The machine finally stops doing its work. It has completed its mission. Time to reveal the spatula. Pat opens the hopper to remove the spatula.
PAT: "Whoa! What's this?"
Pat reaches into the 3D copier and removes a live lobster. Not what he had in mind.
Pat: "Sorry, Dave. It's supposed to be a spatula. . . . . . . you mind if I keep it?"
Dave grants Pat his wish.

Somebody's eating good tonight!

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Treat yourself right and come back tomorrow for Dave and his guests John Travolta, comedian Chris Distefano, and Japandroids. Owwww! Owwww!

ACT 6:

You know him from "The Hangover" movies and the NBC series, "Community." He's now the voice of Floyd in "Despicable Me 2." Ken got his start in show business the way many in show business got in . . . by first being a medical doctor. Ken's always had a dream on being in show business but his parents steered him towards medicine. He had his own practice which was very successful. And he was very serious and intense in his work. No Patch Adams. Not at all a cut-up, no pun intended. But after work he would sneak out to the comedy clubs and do some stand-up. As a doctor, he followed the credo, "To heal is ‘seldom,' to save is ‘sometimes,' but to comfort is ‘always.'"
His big break in showbiz probably came in the film, "Knocked Up" where he delivered Katherine Heigl's baby. Dave is curious how a scene like that works out? Ken says it was all very real. There was a lot of preparation and if felt like he was on call 16 hours a day until the scene was finished. But how does . . . how did he . . . what was it like when he got right down in there? Ken says everything was taken care of. The prosthetic vagina made things easier for everyone.
Ahh, a prosthetic vagina. Where can you get one of them?
Ken Jeong – hear him on "Despicable Me 2" – It opens July 3rd at every theater near you.

ACT 7:

The lead singer and songwriter of "My Morning Jacket," from his debut solo album "Regions of Light and Sound of God," Jim James performed "State of the Art (A.E.I.O.U.)"

And that was our show for Wednesday, June 19, 2013.

I missed a lot of the beginning of the show. I was backstage preparing for a piece. I was on the docket as a "possible" if we didn't do the "Fun Things To Do In The Summertime". When we did do it, I was then placed on the "possible" list for later in the show. It would either be me or Pat Farmer. It was decided we would go with Pat the Gadget and I was moved to a "possible" for Thursday.
When I am asked to be in something LIVE, my immediate reaction is "How exciting!" And then the rest of the day I dread it. Saying "No" never really is considered, realizing I'm asked as a need.

Ever notice how evaluators hate to be evaluated; how the critic hates to be critiqued. I like to listen to sports radio. The hosts make a living out of critiquing last night's game or this guy's performance or that guy's decision. But try to call the host and offer some criticism and they go ballistic, often ending with "If you don't like it, don't listen to the show!" This is true in many walks of life. Evaluators hate to be evaluated. Super sensitive.

Here's another reason why I'm getting sick of major league baseball: I'm reading the Phil Mushnick column in Friday's New York Post. A group of fans from Scranton, Pennsylvania planned on attending a Yankee/Oriole game in Baltimore on Sunday, June 30th. They rented a bus for the dads, moms, kids, and friends to make the 200-mile trip. It would be a very memorable adventure, something they would all remember for a long long time. The bus would get them to Baltimore early for the 1:00 PM game so they could enjoy the Inner Harbor. And then . . . ESPN and TV and Major League Baseball got involved where they shouldn't and decided to move this 1:00 Sunday game to 8:00 so scores of people across the country could watch this June, rather unimportant game. The Baltimore/Camden Yards game is now pfffft for the Scranton fans. They would likely have returned home by 8:00, the time the game is now starting. What time would they return now? How about 3:00 AM? Good grief, baseball, can't you just leave good enough alone? Phone calls and cancelations and time and effort were expended to make this less painful to the lone guy in running the Baltimore game. This reminded me of my planning this same trip to Baltimore with my daughter some years ago. And just as I was about to finalize the arrangements, my finger hovering over the "buy ticket" button on the computer, the fear of the above scenario reared its ugly head and I decided against it. It wasn't worth the risk.

Major League Baseball and the Yankees: once Jeter and Mariano are gone, so am I.

Yankee 2nd baseman Robinson Cano broke out into his home run trot yesterday. Unfortunately, it was on a groundball to shortstop.

The reason Yankee fans don't leave the game early like Dodger fans is because when they get in their car they would have to listen to John Sterling.
Happy birthday, Ramapo High School slum Nancy Dooley Spitz
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.