CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Monday, July 8, 2013 Queen Elizabeth lights one up for Andy Murray.
Show #3874
Michael Cera, Martha Stewart, and Ra Ra Riot.
PLUS: Wimbledon; GWB Word of the Day; Get to Know NY Politicians; Heat Stroke Warning Signs; Superman's family; and a Top Ten List with 10 area lifeguards.

" . . . and now, some assembly required . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"It's so hot, the Lone Ranger, instead of wearing a mask, is wearing a cold compress."

Big tennis news this weekend; Andy Murray became the first British man to win Wimbledon in 77 years. And boy, did the country get excited. We take a look. We see Andy win Wimbledon and his celebration, followed by Queen Elizabeth smoking a cig on her balcony. She's not too pleased. Must have bet Djokovich.

Time for the "George W. Bush Word of the Night."
Tonight's word: from ABC's "This Week," we see Bush 43 enunciate, "Awesome."

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has announced he is running for New York City Comptroller. New York politics can be very confusing.
Hopefully, this piece will help clarify.
ART CARD: "GET TO KNOW NEW YORK POLITICIANS"
ANNOUNCE: (photo of Spitzer) "Comptroller candidate Eliot Spitzer is the guy with the prostitutes."
ANNOUNCE: (photo of Anthony Weiner): "Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner is the guy who texted photos of his deal."
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Get to Know NY Politicians.'"
ART CARD: "GET TO KNOW NEW YORK POLITICIANS"

And they'll both probably win. Yes, we from New York City are so sophisticated.

Hot hot hot. It's been brutally hot in many parts of the country, so the government has released this public service announcement about the symptoms of heat stroke.
ART CARD: "Heat Stroke Warning Signs"
ANNOUNCE: "Be on the lookout for odd or disoriented behavior."
Cut to a clip of George W. Bush in Africa dancing the crazy dance.
ANNOUNCE: "Stay Safe, America."

ACT 2:
Dave spent some time watching the TV with young Harry recently. They usually watch the Mystery/Discovery/ Learning Channel which usually offers none. It usually has to do with people hunting alligators. During a commercial break, one of those erectile dysfunction advertisements came up, no pun intended. Harry, looking to dad, asks "Did he just say ‘reptile dysfunction'?"

The "Man of Steel" has made $600 million worldwide. Many people know Superman's real name is Kal-el and his father's name is Jor-el, but he had quite a few other relatives back on Krypton. People tend to Anglacize their name when they move to the States. We take a look at Superman's family tree. ANNOUNCE: "Born on Krypton as Kal-el, Superman has a family that includes his father, Jor-el, his mother Lara-el, and his cousins Mand-el (Howie Mandel), Denz-el Denzel Washington), Ad-el (Adele), Ferr-el (Will Farrell), Heig-el (Katherine Heigl), Lion-el (Lionel Richie), L-el (LL Cool J), Garfunk-el (Art Garfunkel), Samuel-el, (Samuel L. Jackson), Emmanu-el (Emmanuel Lewis), Dies-el (Vin Diesel), Eth-el (Ethel Mertz) Gumb-el (Bryant Gumbel), the other Gumb-el Greg Gumbel), Norman F-el (Norman Fell) and Superman's trouble-making brother, Urk-el. (Urkel)"

ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Overextending a Very Thin Premise.' "

Heh heh heh . . . the "Man of Steel" bit followed Dave's story about erectile dysfunction.

TOP TEN: THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH A LIFEGUARD'S MIND ON A TYPICAL DAY
It's lifeguard season and we invited ten are lifeguards to take a listen at what they are thinking.
To fully enjoy tonight's Top Ten List, go to the Late Show website at www.cbs.com/lateshow, and be sure to check out the Wahoo Gazette while you're there.
Those participating, just so they'll forever pop to the Wahoo when they Google their name, are as follows.
10.Christian Valasquez
9. Kristina Syvarth
8. Ian Moritz
7. Bernie Chester
6. Graham Howe
5. Rinatao Azizbayeva
4. Jonathan Colon
3. Christina Nicholas
2. Sadie Ramos
1. Jeff Kalczynski

ACT 3:
MICHAEL CERA

Dave enjoys watching Michael on the screen but sometimes worries about his off-screen life. Does he have anybody to watch over him? Michael tepidly assures Dave everything is OK at home. Michael had a recent confrontation with someone out on the street when the guy yelled out, "Michael Cera sucks." It took a minute for him to realize, "Oh, gee, that's me." In San Francisco, a guy yelled out, "Michael Cera, I love you . . . . . sometimes." It's just like marriage.
Michael took a trip to Chile to shoot a film. The first thing he noticed in the exotically scary Chile was that there were dogs everywhere. Being in Chile also gave him the chance to practice his Spanish, which he just started taking. He knew enough Spanish to ask a Chilean on a date. On their second date, they went to a sweat lodge. Michael thought this would be an interesting experience and it might be a good way to battle his cold. On the bus ride over, it became very apparent that they could not communicate with each other. He knew very little Spanish, she very little English. In the sweat lodge, she decided to leave, leaving Michael on his own. A bit later, when Michael was having a hard time breathing, he upped and left, too. His date was long gone. Next time for his cold, Michael says he'll take Nyquil.
Michael's new film, "Crystal Fairy," which is why he was on Chile, opens in select cities on Friday. It premiered to critical acclaim at the Sundance Film Festival.

Hey! I made the "Backstage Photo Club": Production Coordinator Michael Z. McIntee with a dummy.
Make your own jokes now.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE:

"It's all happening tomorrow as Dave welcomes Adam Sandler, and Joseph Arthur." We cut to a LIVE shot of Alan. He looks around as if into your TV. ALAN: "Wow, you should see all the wires and stuff inside your TV. Crazy."

ACT 6:
MARTHA STEWART

She's written 80 books. Yikes! I don't think I've read that many. Dave is curious about the news of her looking for a man on the online dating thing. Dave is surprised that she would need a man, and need to use an online machine to find one. She says she knows lots of guys, has dated lots of guys, but is still looking for the right one. But why online? Martha says it's one of the many things she wants to learn about. It keeps her young. She wants to know about pinterest, and instagram, and the Vine, and online dating. She received over 30,000 responses to her online plea, and from that, picked out 12. Dave asks, "What do the lucky 12 get to do?" Martha shoots back, "I'm not going to tell you!" She admits she was looking for a guy with money, figuring that the guy wouldn't then be looking for her money. She admits that she got her dates mixed up, thinking she was with, say "Larry" when she was actually with "Billy." Dave bangs on the desk. He asks, "Any of this?" She laughs and says it could be.
Dave and Martha then turn from "banging on the desk" talk to lyme disease. Dave says he has "the iconic bulls-eye rash." Martha says she has had the lyme and had to yank the ticks but reasons it comes with living in the country. Dave continues about his lyme disease and the iconic bulls-eye rash until Martha blurts, "I don't care." She wasn't all that impressed.
Martha's new book, "Living The Good Long Life: A Practical Guide to Caring for Yourself and Others," is a guide to maximizing your 2nd half of life. I haven't read it yet but I imagine it's similar to the old Steve Martin joke: "First, get yourself a million dollars . . . . . ."

ACT 7:
RA RA RIOT

From the recent album, "Beta Love," Ra Ra Riot performed "Dance With Me."

And that was our show for Monday, July 8, 2013.

Lifeguard fun facts: Jack Nicholson, Clint Eastwood, and Ronald Reagan are former lifeguards. David Hasselhoff was never a lifeguard.

The family and I spent the week at the Jersey Shore, Long Beach Island. The damage from Sandy was not really noticeable. The highlight of the week for me was walking on the beach with my Coleman MTV cooler, circa 1980. And there sitting in his lounge, a stranger to me, was another guy with an MTV cooler. In his direction I raised mine in celebration and offered, "Hey! Nice cooler!" He looked up, then jumped up in absolute delight. He said, "I gotta get a picture of this!" We walked over towards the ocean with out coolers to get the Atlantic in the background. He put his cooler down and told me to do the same. He had no interest in my being in the shot. He just wanted the two coolers together. I then found out he lived just a few miles from me. I bet we both bought the MTV cooler at Pergaments. It's a great, sturdy, easily portable cooler that holds 18 cans. I know it's old because I bought it back when MTV played music. That's right, folks, the "M" in MTV stands for "music."

The last time I saw a guy with an MTV cooler was about 5 years ago at the local pool. Again, I raised mine in celebration. He looked and did the same as the guy at the beach; he jumped up and we shared stories about our MTVs. His wife rolled her eyes in pain. She said, "Great, now I'll never be able to get him to throw it out."

Whoa! I just checked out the MTV cooler on Ebay . . . . . $65, plus $14 shipping. I ain't buying and I ain't selling.

Former state Governor Eliot Spitzer is back and running for New York City Comptroller. My guess for a New York Post headline: "Spitzer throws his black socks into the ring."

Congratulations to Pope John Paul II from making the Catholic Hall of Fame.

Something new! This Date in Cameo Mention History!
On July 8, 1999, Clovis Z. Alegheny.
This concludes the debut edition of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
What is wrong with high school sports? Today . . . today . . . my daughter has cross-country practice, basketball practice, and lacrosse practice. It's supposedly voluntary. It's all too much, which is why she's canned the basketball. A year ago her coach gave her an ultimatum. He should have asked me first. You don't give my Danielle an ultimatum. You won't like the decision. He quickly backtracked but it was too late. She was out. And I'm glad she is. I could never do what today's high school athletes are expected to do, and I was a 3-sport guy.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Smithtown, New York, it's the birthday girl who has her eye on a driver's license, it's Kimberly Quinn.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, July 30
A visit from Dave's pool boy.
Tuesday, July 29
"Guardians of the Galaxy" looks like a sure-fire hit.
Monday, July 28
Things turn ugly when Spider-man meets Elmo during Dave's monologue.
Friday, July 25
From an ad in a newspaper... "Click here"?
Wednesday, July 23
The PonyCycle gets put out to pasture.